“Jupiter Ascending” or “Mila Kunis Bored In Space” – my fuckin review

Here is my review for “Jupiter Ascending“. The Wachowskis (Andy Wachowski and Lana Wachowski) directed this movie. Okay so this movie starts of with Mila Kunis cleaning toilets and is a poor Russian girl. She lives in Chicago and is trying to sell her eggs (eggs inside her) for money. Aliens show up to fuck her up because she is queen of the universe. I think? Then Channing shows up to protect her with Space Boots that allow him to skate up in the air. Later they both head to her kingdom and I think she is getting her taxes done. Finally there is a duel with her shitty family members. One of them is Eddie Redmayne. who talks really low. They all hate her and want her ass dead too, but Channing loves her. In the end Channing grows wings and turns into a gay angel and Mila gets space boots. Does this sound confusing? Well, so was the movie. I see what the Wachowskis were trying to do, but it didn’t work. It was a big space soap opera, but maybe it was too big. Every character was constantly explaining what was going on and who each other were. I honestly was confused half way through it and gave up trying to remember names or dynasties. It should have been a 12 part TV series so you could get it all. Channing is great when he is being funny, but he is so serious in this movie it’s boring. Mila was boring as hell in this movie and her and Channing had no chemistry at all. They looked like they had just met in every scene. Mila’s character had no knowledge of space or what she was when the film begins and then half way in the movie she somehow completely understands everything and is getting her space taxes done. I was like UMMMMM we don’t know what’s going how the hell does she. I did love the costumes and spaceships and shit but that’s all there is to lock onto in this film. The score is amazing also, but it can’t save this confusing/boring film. I wanted to like it but can’t. Wait for Netflix. So if you love the Wachowskis, Channing, space, action, a boring Mila, Eddie Redmayne and space boots then this is the movie for you. It was a let down for sure.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Channing Tatum looks good with elf ears, but he was too quiet and looked bored.

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B. I can’t even do my taxes on Earth and you want me to go through it in space with you. I don’t think so. Yes, I know they weren’t doing their taxes. It’s a joke.

C. Eddie Redmayne is entertaining in this movie. I kept trying to sound like him after the movie. Also wtf is this picture?

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Listen to him here.

D. Michael Giacchino is a brilliant composer. Have a listen.

E. Mila looks bored here too.

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F. The Wachowskis (Andy Wachowski and Lana Wachowski) also directed Cloud AtlasSpeed Racer, and The Matrix movies. I have been entertained by all their movies, but this one was TMI. Too Much Information at once. I loved Cloud Atlas.

G. Ummmm she is the best character in this movie. It should have been about her.

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H. Those space boots were out of fuckin control.

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I. Cute poster.

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