“Poltergeist” or “Quiet Ghosts That Nobody Is Afraid Of, Not Even The Cast”- my fuckin review

Here is my review for “Poltergeist“. Okay so the original “Poltergeist” is an amazing film with an amazing score, and I’m also not against remakes, re-dos, remixes or reboots. The movie starts off and a moody family is moving into what they say is poor town, but what looks like a normal suburban neighborhood. Everyone is on their cellphone, iPod or iPhone. As they unpack they start hearing spooky shit, and find and old ass clown doll that looks silly more than scary. Then they are attacked by a crazy squirrel that is flying around the room. Later the parents go out to dinner with some shitty rich friends who make fun them for living in the ghetto. While they are out the ghost shit hits the fan and their little boy is attacked by the clown doll and is sucked out the window by a tree, the teen daughter is sucked into muddy floor, and “Not Carol Ann” is sucked into the closet which is really purgatory. The parents finally come home and don’t call the police and believe everything pretty fast. I’m all for believing your family about crazy shit, but your daughter was just sucked into the closest/purgatory and is talking through the TV and that is a hard fucking thing to process fast. Meanwhile they go get help from a goofy ass parapsychologist who then calls in this TV ghost hunter that is somehow a household name. Tell me one ghost hunter on TV right now that is a household name? I know a few, but I love ghost hunting shows. Meanwhile he comes in with cheesy ass lines and tries to help them get “NOT Carol Ann” back. Now they decide they should send a drone into purgatory to check it out first. Ummmm now do what? In purgatory they run into spirits that look like CGI zombies, not spirits. Then the little boy decides he is going to run into to save his little sister. He must love his sister a lot. I’m an adult and would debate living that little bitch in there. I mean this is a lot to deal with. This aint running into a burning building. This is some heavy goddamn shit. I get a mother running in to get her daughter, cuz mothers you know, but a little boy who is scared shitless. Get real. Anyway in the end blah blah blah. Okay this movie seems like it was so rushed. Shit doesn’t make sense because either it was cut out or not shot at all. It’s like a crunched up version of the original. The real problem though is that nobody is really acting like they give a shit about what is happening to them in the film at all. Nobody is scared or emotional about anything. You would be fuckin shitting your pants. You would be crying and hysterical, because this shit is fucked up! It’s seems empty and fast. It really just makes you miss the original one. I’m not against remakes and some have been great ones. This one is not. Honestly why even remake it when you can pay homage to it like “Insidious” did or “The Conjuring”. Both those movies did and they were amazing, and they also had a new take on it without remaking “Poltergeist”. Meanwhile in this film drones are being sent into purgatory, Irish ghost hunters replace Tangina, and teen girls are literally almost dying but still have time to say “I’m sorry for being a bitch dad”. Did I hate this movie? No, because it just doesn’t matter. Just watch the original or the updated versions “Insidious” or “The Conjuring”. So if you love bad remakes then this movie is for you. It was not for me and in a matter of months nobody will remember this film at all.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. The original Freelings seem like a real family to me. They were even smoking pot for fucks sake. I mean that’s as real as it gets. These new Bowens seem like emotionless assholes. Shit maybe that’s the new real.

B. The ghost looked like CGI zombies. Like a video game. Video games aren’t scary to me.

C. Sam Rockwell is the best thing in this movie but that is not enough. I think he robbed a store a one point. We are not sure still.

D. In this new Poltergeist nobody acts like they even give a shit or that they are even scared at all. In the old Poltergeist. Everyone is screaming and hysterical. If the film’s cast doesn’t look scared then the audience watching it will not be scared it either.

Look at JoBeth Williams in the original. I’m scared as fuck for her. Honestly she should have gotten an Oscar just for this screen cap.

Screen Shot 2015-06-01 at 5.37.26 PM

Rosemarie DeWitt scared shitless in the new Poltergeist playing the same character. Get fuckin real. I feel asleep looking at her.Screen-Shot-2015-05-07-at-9.23.13-AM-620x400

Take a look at these clips to see the emotion of the original movie. The new one lacked all of this.

E. A drone will not work in purgatory, the netherworld, or another dimension bitch. The signal will not fuckin transmit mother fucker I’m sorry get fuckin real. I don’t buy what you are selling. Your drone can suck Deez NUTZ!

F. The score for the new movie is forgettable by Marc Streitenfeld (PrometheusRobin HoodAmerican Gangster), it obviously could not compare to the original score by Jerry Goldsmith. That score is considered one of the better scores ever written. Here you judge.

Jerry’s Score…

New score by Streitenfeld….

G. This mother fucker ain’t no Zelda RubinsteinTangina was a great character. Why? She was a southern little lady and it’s not what you expect. To this day you except a played out male Irish priest. In 1982 you were coming out of the 0f the 70’s with films like The Omen and Exorcist. Everyone expects to see a Catholic priest to come and shut ghost/demons down. When Tangina walks in its shocking and memorable. It’s brilliant really. It’s still brilliant after all these years. A strong little Souther woman coming in shutting shit down. Now they bring in this clown with a giant safety-pin on his collar. SHUT THE FUCK UP! He was the real scary clown in this movie. Meanwhile Tangina just rolled over in her grave. We love you Tangina, you were a real hero. 

Screen Shot 2015-05-20 at 3.15.03 PM copy

Tangina we love you.

Top10_Paranormal_Poltergeist

PS The people who brought you “Insidious” knew this as well. That is why they cast Lin Shaye as the psychic Tangina type character. They were smart. 

insidious-movie-2

H. Carol Ann and “Not Carol Ann”. The new one was okay, but forgettable. You will always remember Carol Ann.

screen-shot-2015-02-10-at-7-32-44-pm-8-ways-poltergeist-2015-stays-loyal-to-the-original-png-256557

I. The new Poltergeist was already remade it was called, Insidious and The Conjuring. These are both great and done right with memorable characters.

J. The scariest part in your movies was this.

Squirrel_posing

K. Ummmmm this is the poster for a movie called “Poltergeist”? The movie is about ghosts? This poster looks like it would be about a clown dolls. This is stupid as fuck. Also PS the clown doll is barely in the movie in case you were wondering.

_1427841531

Old clown new clown. You decide.

Comparison

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s