“Jurassic World” or “Go Dumb or Go Home” my fuckin review

Here is my review for “Jurassic World“. Okay so I love watching the Jurassic films, even though part 2 and 3 have plot holes etc. At all these films basic levels it’s dinosaurs chasing people and that is fun to watch. So that being said this new movie is similar. This movie is obviously not going to be as good as “Jurassic Park“. Meanwhile people have asked what I think about this new one and I say “It’s a fun ride, just don’t think about it too much or it will derail on you and then you will die”. So If you want a fun ride and don’t care about characters, plot, score, etc. then just stop reading this review or other bitches movie reviews. Just go to the movies and watch them and go home and hug your kids and love America or whatever it is you do. So go in dumb and come out dumb and you will be happy as Universal studio. Okay that was your way out! Also don’t get made at me, I didn’t make the goddamn movie!

Okay the film starts off like 20 years later or so. Now Jurassic Park is open for business and it’s called Jurassic World. It’s big and pretty and I want to go there. There are rides and attractions and bars and shit. Judy Greer plays an emotional mother who sends her two sons to Jurassic World and literally cries the rest of the movie and shits on Claire for not having kids. There the 2 boys are supposed to hang out with their Aunt Claire (Bryce Dallas Howard) but she doesn’t have time for them because she runs the entire park, wears a white suit with high heels, is too controlling, doesn’t like kids, doesn’t like animals, and is just an asshole. So she sends the kids to go hang out with her female assistant. The boys ditch the assistant fast. Meanwhile Chris Pratt is training female raptors to…… perform, kill, not kill, love him? Who knows, but they love him for some reason. The same reason the audience does probably. Now enter the villain, he is some shitty military guy who wants to use raptors as weapons. Yes, I am serious. He wants to drop them off in some Non-American country and then I guess the raptors would eat everyone and then run the country. You know like they do with lions and bears now. Oh they don’t do that? Oh well. He is the worst villain ever. Meanwhile back to Claire who is dealing with a new breed of dinosaur they creating called Indominus Rex or iRex for short. Yes, she is still wearing the white suit and high heels in the jungle. She goes to get Chris Pratt to help her understand the iRex? I think. Oh no, its super smart and gets free. Now the park is in danger girl. People are getting eaten and now the boys are out staring at girls cuz the older one wants down their pants and also they are driving around in a hamster ball made of glass or plastic powered by the magic of Jimmy Fallon. Earlier it’s set up that the older teen boy doesn’t want to date or believes in love because he has a girlfriend that he doesn’t love and is now cheating on her ass. He just wants dat ASS! Now Claire enlists the help of Chris Pratt the Alpha Male (his words not mine) to go rescue the boys from the evil dinosaur, who kills out of hate or spite or some shit. Not because she is hungry! She is a fuckin serial killer!!!!! YES, well maybe. Who knows? Now Claire (still wearing high heels in the mud) and Chris Pratt are on the run and the boys really don’t need their help. Shit hits the fan when the pterodactyls get free and start attacking the park and eating people. Wait I don’t think they were eating people they were just grabbing them and playing. Then the most gruesome death in the film occurs when Claire’s assistant gets picked up and tossed around in the air by a few pterodactyls then taken to the water and drowned, then thrown back into the air then eaten by the Whale-A-Saurus. She had a villains death. What did she do to deserve such a horrible death? She wasn’t watching the kids close enough I guess. Evil! Meanwhile the military wants the raptors to find the iRex, they are real serious about using raptors as weapons. This plot seems so 80’s to me. So Chris Pratt punches the military guy then agrees to do it right after that and talks to his raptor girlfriend about it. They all ride motorcycles to search for the iRex. Meanwhile more running from dinosaurs and Claire still has the white suit on with high heels. In the end all the dinosaurs team up against the evil iRex dinosaur in a big wrestling match and Claire runs away from a T-Rex in high heels. We all learn that if dinosaurs can be best friends then can’t humans be also. 

Okay so let me first start off by saying again that it’s a fun ride and if you stop at that then their you go. If you are looking for more in your films, ya know like characters, plot, score, etc. then there is a problem. If you think all movies are like a ride at SIX FLAGS then you will love that shit. Just ride the fuckin Scream Machine but don’t analyze the wood or don’t ask the 16-year-old working the controls any questions because you may not like what he has to say to you about his daddy issues. I guess when I start to think about the movie I think about the dumb ass characters first. To me characters are the most important part of any film. You should be able to take them out of the film and place them in another setting and you should still think they are cool or memorable or whatever. These characters are not.

Chris Pratt is the most memorable, but it’s because he is Chris Pratt. We love him as Chris Pratt. Not the character. He is a lovable dude. Even though in this film he talks about being an Alpha Male and wanting to control raptors, and bang Claire when she shows up at his door. It’s like we get it, you are a man. I guess we all flirt, but not with co-workers. Gross. Then there is Claire, who is honestly the worst character in this film, and deserves the award for worst female in a film for 2015. It’s like, what is your character bio “Controlling, emotionless, asshole, who hates kids, hates animals, who wears high heels to run away from monsters”. She does change her tune but only when Chris Pratt says it’s okay to love animals and kids and his dick. Then they kiss. Thank god he taught her emotion. WTF! It’s 2015 and I bring up the high heels a lot because it’s such a huge joke in horror movies (any movie really) and it’s makes the females in old horror movies come across as dumb. In real life they would take that shit off. In the movies, because a man wrote it, they keep them on while they are running and fall and die because it looks sexy. It’s fuckin stupid 80’s shit. Everybody knows the joke and it’s dumb and fuckin stupid. It’s insulting to everyone in the audience. The heels are a symbol of all the other shit. It’s not just one thing, it’s a buildup and multiple layers of dumb shit. The white outfit, the controlling stereotypical attitude, comments that she doesn’t like sex, or kids, or being a mother, etc. then the heels in mud. Get real. This year we have seen the amazing female character Furiosa in “Mad Max: Fury Road” and you give us this stupid shit. Hell we have seen Sarah Connors, and Ripleys, etc. Even the other women in the film like Claire’s sister who just cries and cries every time they show her. Ya know cuz women just cry a lot cuz they are so emotional or shit on other women because they don’t have kids or are not married. You don’t have to be married or have fuckin kids to be happy in this world or even to be a woman. Right? I am not a woman though. Then the female assistant who was literally destroyed like a villain character. I mean her death was fucking nuts. I’m all for fucked up death shit in movies, but why her? I didn’t know if I was supposed to clap or cry. 

Like I said earlier the older teen boy was like all about that ass. I get it we all like ass, but it’s the way it’s presented and the film it’s presented in. He was staring at girls creepily and rapey. That scene at the hamster ball he looks like he is going to fuckin jump that girl. I was like ummmm weird. It’s odd they show his girlfriend at the beginning of the film and she say she loves and he doesn’t say it back. So technically he is cheating on her and looking for ass. You know just a typical cheating horny male but at 16 years old in a PG film. The pay off for his character would have been him getting laid I guess?  I guess the 2 boys together as brothers were okay once you get passed the older one rape staring all the time, I mean one was bored and one wasn’t. That’s real I guess. I’m glad they were actually doing shit on their own, even if it was dumb shit sometimes. I hated when the adults showed up and treated them like they were dumb ass kids when they literally just fixed a 2o year old car by themselves. Yeah I know that can’t happen. Tires will not last 2o years just sitting somewhere and neither will gasoline or wires and shit. On to the military dude, I mean this character is annoying and just cheesy as fuck. He even stands fuckin cheesy. Raptors as weapons? Hahaha SYFY Channel logic. I wish someone really high up in the military would write a real review and say “NO we love machine guns we don’t want bears, or lions, or raptors to kill for us”. I guess I wish the characters would have been cooler and more memorable. Then you will say but Eddie this movie is about the dinosaurs. Is it? Is the movie Halloween just about Michael Myers? No! It’s about Laurie Strode and her friends and they are cool as fuck. I want to hang out with all of them. Fuck Michael. Even in Jurassic Park Dr. Ian MalcolmDr. Ellie Sattler and Dr. Alan Grant are memorable. Laura Dern is smart, fun, tough, sexy, emotional, real, outfit appropriate, and not fuckin stupid. That was in 1993! Now this new Claire character takes us back to 1980. Thanks.

I guess the story really is the same as the first film. There is park, dinos get out, kids are lost, they are found, and a big showdown. It is missing those thought out/memorable Steven Spielberg action sequences for sure though. There is action, but there is also a lot of standing around and talking about bullshit like a terrible military plot, divorce, and how to control raptors. Chris Pratt being able to control dinosaurs is weird to me, but I guess whatever. At one point the main raptor and Chris look like they have a moment and are in love. I’m serious. If I had kids I would have covered their eyes. Then I was confused on how all the dinos knew the iRex was evil. Then I was like wait, why is that one evil? It’s a fuckin animal. They all hungry and shit and will eat you. What makes one more evil than the other ones. They all got teeth. Fuzzy logic! I guess the first Jurassic Park film was coming at you with real science and was trying to teach your ass about dinosaurs and how they might have been and looked for real. Bitch you were learning. This one was like fuck it. You dumb! Here is an iRex. I mean the dinosaurs did look cool running around and shit. They did in all of the films. It looked all CGI this time though. Like I said when you think about it, it hurts. I could probably just keep writing and writing but will just stop.

So if you love dinosaurs, the first 3 films, can cut off logic and reasoning, don’t care that women look dumb in films, and just want to ride a ride then this is the movie for you. I did have fun watching the dinosaurs, but the nano second I thought about anything it derailed and killed me. Go see it, just literally go dumb and pretend it’s 1980. Maybe your mothers, girlfriends, sisters, daughters will not notice they are being shit on in it. Also for gods sakes do not see it twice you will notice all this shit!

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Bryce Dallas Howard as Claire is the worst. Her character is the worst. Her outfit is the worst. Her high heels are the worst. I read Bryce wanted to keep her high heels on to stay true to her character so that makes Bryce the worst. Look at her next to Laura Dern. Dern is giving you Jurassic realness. Then Claire is forgettable trash. She did know how to use a road flare though. 

Don’t believe me? Then read this other article about how Claire sets women back 30 years.

http://www.vulture.com/2015/06/jurassic-world-feminism.html?om_rid=AACJDG&om_mid=_BVezpGB9Cf7qaY

Still don’t believe me. Ask Joss Whedon (Avengers: Age of UltronBuffy the Vampire Slayer), who says “… and I’m too busy wishing this clip wasn’t ’70s-era sexist. She’s a stiff, he’s a life-force — really? Still?”

http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/heat-vision/joss-whedon-slams-jurassic-world-787998

Bryce Dallas Howard and Chris Pratt in a scene from the trailer for the motion picture

This shot is literally in the movie. A woman running from a T-Rex (monster) in high heels. The most made fun of horror cliché ever. I have seen films where they are making a statement/commentary about women wearing high heels in horror as cliché. That makes sense. This is not one of those times. This is stupid and not real.

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B. This film is directed by Colin Trevorrow (Safety Not Guaranteed). I’m not impressed. Even though I hate Michael Bay and I hope he dies at least he knows he is a sexiest douche bag. This guys doesn’t realize he is I think. Here he is talking about Claire’s character, Trevorrow said, “There’s no need for a female character that does things like a male character, that’s not what makes interesting female characters in my view.” Haha I guess keep them dumb dumbs and pretty with high heels on. That’s interesting to him. Get real. I hope that in part 2 he puts the focus on fun characters, a logical plot and smart/real women. 

Also more proof I am not the only one thinking this WOMP WOMP.

http://io9.com/jurassic-world-the-spoiler-faq-1712042566

C. Chris Pratt is entertaining in anything. He could play Hitler and he would probably be likable somehow. So remember that’s what you liked. Not the character but the person. He is like your best friend who is in a movie so we like whatever part he plays. 

Chris Pratt in a scene from the trailer for the motion picture

D. I love scenes where groups of people are running and screaming. Basically this movie is a big budget version of “Jaws 3-D“.

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E. Nick Robinson (The Kings of Summer) and Ty Simpkins (Insidious) were okay in this movie and are even great in other movies. I just wish they seemed more real in this one and not one note teens/kids. 

1. Older pissed off/creepy horny teen. 

2. Cry baby annoying younger brother. 

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F. I loved the Shamu Dinosaur. But due to the movie “Blackfish” I wanted to see him free.

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G. My favorite dinosaur was little Sally Peanut the baby Triceratops.

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H. Vincent D’Onofrio is shit in this movie. His character is lame. His plot is lame. His stance is lame. DIE!

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I. The score was composed by Michael Giacchino (Super 8LostLet Me InAliasDawn of the Planet of the Apes). I was hoping for something more memorable. He used score from the original Jurassic Park and that was great, but honestly that’s all I was feeling. Here is the best track.

J. The assistant had a name. It was ZARA (Katie McGrath). She was destroyed in this movie. We will never know the reason she died so horribly in this movie. Maybe she was the real villain. Maybe cuz she was on the phone. Maybe the director hated her. RIP ZARA.

“It’s the first female death by dinosaur in the Jurassicfranchise… And that one was a brutal death, wasn’t it? She was tortured.” said Bryce Dallas Howard. You are Ron Howard’s daughter. WTF!

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K. Here are some other opinions from people I know. Too funny.

Melissa Payne It’s like “Jurassic Park”, but with smart phones.

James Yates It was fun! Like one of those Megadon vs. Troglasour Syfy movies! I considered giving it a 6 but then remembered it is supposed to be JURASSIC FUCKING PARK.—my original words.

Max Fisher “In these post-Furiosa times, the humans of Jurassic World belong in the stone age”.

Zahir Merchant This quote about Jurassic World is brought to you by Samsung.

Allison Maier A mermaid at Weeki Wachee told me it was “really good” and she “loved it”

Silas Fiction Jurassic shart.

Cody Ziglar The most unrealistic part of having a dinosaur park in Central America is that it’s staffed almost exclusively by gringos.

John-Paul Ward Life is too short and we’ve been denied a good sequel for too long to let one dumb redhead ruin the movie.

Blake Hutchins That movie set dinosaurs back 65 million years. Every scene had me shaking my head, trying to hide my shame from sitting in the theater. Afterwards, I had to go home and wash the bullshit off before it infected my memory of the other Jurassic movies.

Dave W. Campbell Why were the raptors changing sides like that shit was Mission Impossible? That movie should have committed to being about dinosaurs eating people, I didn’t need all that sitcom character development.

Alicia May Two quotes I remember laughing at where: scientist “cats are monsters to a canary, we are just used to being cats” and two: when Chris Pratt said “what happened to the sibling” and the dumb Claire chick said “she ate him”.

Jason DeMarco Didn’t watch it because Chris Pratt motorcycle races with Velociraptors. So: video.

Madeline Brumby I want a pet raptor!

Ryan Cabe I can safely say that Chris Pratt’s package was the true star of this film.

L. I mean it’s the biggest movie ever now, so I guess who cares. Part 2 coming soon. Next time I hope humans are not even in it. The first film really was a magical mother fucker though. Watch and remember. The music, the action, the animatronics, the characters, the story, etc.

M. I could be wrong about everything. I am not a women and maybe I’m an asshole. Maybe I expect to much from movies. I should just take a muscle relaxer and just watch them on drugs or some shit.

N. Hamster Ball failed logic.

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O. Cute. Raptors can be heroes too.

jurassic-world-own-raptors-poster

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