“Magic Mike XXL” or “Ladies and Gay Men, There Are No The Dicks In This Movie!” – my fuckin review

Here is my review for “Magic Mike XXL“. I really enjoyed the first “Magic Mike” film. It was a lot better than I thought it would be and I really dug it. Okay so this film starts off years after the first film. Channing owns a furniture making business in Tampa. It’s ghetto and just him and one employee work there. His girlfriend from the first film has dumped his ass. He reunites for a pool party with the men from the first film and they all decide that they need to go out with a bang and drive to South Carolina to a Stripper Convention. Matthew McConaughey is dead or something. Now they all pile into a Fro-Yo Food Truck and it becomes a road trip film. On the way there they have terrible dialogue about their friendship, lives, and emotions. It’s basically men saying teen girl dialogue. Think “The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants” but men are talking instead of teen girls. Maybe they thought the audience is all female so we need teen girl dialogue? If so, that is shit. They end up at a Drag Queen bar with gay dancers on stage, but somehow the audience is all female watching it. I guess girls are turned by gay men now. Then they decide to all get up on stage and do some quick voguing. I’m serious. Honestly that was one of the better parts in the movie though. Later they drive through Savannah to visit Jada Pinkett Smith, who owns a huge mansion that is a strip club also. I honestly thought vampires were going to come out to kill the boys. Jada is terrible as some sort of pimp M.C. that moves like a malfunctioning robot, but the boys need her to M.C. their last strip show. On the road again they stop off at another mansion owned by Andie MacDowell, and has other older horny women in it. PS at this point the boys have had their pants on the whole time and have not stripped or even shown the audience thong. The girls in my theater were getting pissed and restless and started yelling at the screen “Take out your Dick”. I live in Atlanta so people women don’t play here. Andy sleeps with Joe Manganiello and earlier they say his dick is so huge nobody can take it. I guess she could. All the while Channing is hitting on Amber Heard Depp. It’s sickens me to see that she is married to Johnny Depp. I believed in you Amber. Now back on the road to the Stripper Convention, where the boys strip but still have their pants on. In the end they finally take their pants off and literally it’s the last 10 seconds of the film. The camera is flying around so if you want to see something  (aka dudes in thongs) you are not going to. Well this movie is weird and the dialogue is a mess. I love Channing in it, because he has personality in shit he does, but honestly he is it. When he does dance in this movie he is great. Literally everything else is cheesy mess. If you are looking for a strip show you are not going to get it ladies. The audience was pissed when it was over and they were all yelling where is the dicks. Haha True. Don’t make a movie about strippers and don’t strip. Jada is literally the worst in this movie. It’s like WTF is happening is broken. Anyway it’s a fun watch for free at home because it is so cheesy. Wait for Netflix and go to a real strip club it will have better dialogue I bet. So if you love Channing and that’s it. Then this is the movie for you. If you are looking for DICK then go to a strip club. HAHA

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Channing Tatum is great and funny in this. He seems like a genuine bitch so I dig him in things. He can also dance for real.

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B. Gregory Jacobs directed this movie. He has only directed 2 other movies. Wind Chill and Criminal. The first Magic Mike was directed by Steven Soderbergh

C. Matt Bomer bored me in this movie and his character was a annoying. He wore this outfit the whole time and his hippie routine got old the second he talked. He also sings twice in this movie. I’m serious. It’s not that he is good or bad at it, but why? 

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D. Jeans in a stripper movie. HAHA

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E. Joe Manganiello seemed like a dummy at times. They show his ass jumping into a pool. Not in a sexual way. Just a Bro at a pool party. Think every video on Vine. Also he faked jizzed out of a water bottle- WITH PANTS ON.

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F. Jada Pinkett Smith was literally like a broken robot. Here movement was terrifying. Here character was stupid and forced. She was a waste.

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G. Honestly WTF is this? If this movie was about female strippers there would not be a stripper cast at age 55. Hollywood double standards. DO women want this?

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H. Here is the Poster. Notice he is pointing at the pants he will be wearing the entire film.

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