“The Gallows” or “Don’t Stay After School With 4 Annoying White Kids”- my fuckin review.

Here is my review for “The Gallows“. Okay I was exciting to see this movie even though it’s another found footage horror film. Honestly found footage films these days aren’t as shaky or poor quality as they used to be because everyone has nice ass cameras. Now they just look like normal films, except that the actors will talk to the camera aka your dumb ass. Anyway the story starts off in 1993 with this High School kid named Charlie. He is acting in the school play and gets hung on stage by accident on these fake ass gallows. Now his dick haunts the school. Cut to the future (today) and there is an annoying dick head jock named Ryan filming everything. Everything he says is useless. Ryan’s jock buddy named Reese is now acting in the same play that Charlie was in, because he has the hots for some dumb girl named Pfeifer Brown. The problem is Reese can’t act (on stage and real life) because he sucks at it, so he and Ryan the douche bag cameraman and his girlfriend Cassie decide to break into the school at night to fuck the set up, so that he won’t have to act in the play the next day. The ding-dong of his dreams won’t know he sucks at acting and will still like him the next day. WOMP WOMP they run into Pfeifer in the school and now all 4 start bitching and fighting until they realize Charlie the ghost/demon has locked all the doors and they seem to can’t find a window to break. All 4 literally do everything wrong to survive or to get out of the school. Okay so was it scary? Yes, you will be scared watching it. It’s like walking through a Halloween haunted house with shit jumping out at you, but like a haunted house there is no story most the time and the acting is bootleg. So yes you will jump, and then when the white kids start talking again you will want Charlie to hang your ass too. Once again the monster is only half of your horror film. The other half is the human/teen cast. If they suck then the movie will derail because you hate them all and you will side with the killer. Then once you side with killer you are not scared anymore. The script is weak, the dialogue is cheesy and the teens do the dumbest shit ever. Audiences are smart, teens are smart  and I am smart. We want people in horror movies to do smart things. They exist and I own them and love Horror movies. Kathie Lee Gifford’s daughter Cassie is in this and if I was Kathie Lee I would beat Cassie’s ass, then if I was the daughter Cassie I would beat Kathie’s ass cuz she sucks too. Meanwhile if you want to see something scary on a Netflix spooky night you will jump at this, but in the end you will hate the cast.  Wait till it’s free on Netflix and watch with Middle Schoolers so that they will be scared to go to High School and hang with shit bombs like in this movie.

The Trailer:

The Fuckin Facts:

A. If you are trapped in a High School at night, just bust out a window. I will literally tear through a wooden door or wall to get out.

B. Cassidy Gifford was dumb and useless. When I looked her up I realized she is fuckin Kathie Lee Gifford‘s daughter. I just threw up.

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I clapped and laughed when this happened to her. tumblr_inline_nrhfefluyd1tt37oi_540

C. Yes you will jump and it’s scary, but scary ain’t enough. You need fun people to hang out with. Think about the teens in “A Nightmare on Elm Street” or “Halloween” they are amazing. Yes, even new films like “It Follows” has cool teens. So it can be done.

D. Pfeifer Brown and  Ryan Shoos were annoying also. 

She is forced and everything she does is dumb.

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Literally all his dialogue was horrible and annoying. He is the guy behind the camera. Die Bitch!THE GALLOWS

E. Never climb a ladder and yell at demon to come get you while you are at the top of it. He will knock you off it. The when you fall and break your legs I will laugh at your ass. You deserved it. Don’t piss off the spirit world. You are a dumb human and are weak compared to them.

F. Reese Mishler was okay but not enough. Hang yourself. At one point he gets out and goes back in for the girl. Get real! 

1. That girl should have kept up. Tough shit hunty!

2. I would not have looked back to know she was not there until I got to the police station. Oh shit girl where are you? Oh Well.

3. If a demon is on your ass, get the fuck out. You can’t save anyone bitch.

4. Don’t go to High School at night for many reasons.

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G. There is a twisty ending. Why? Haha who cares the ghost was enough. Now you give me bat shit logic ending.

H. My good friend Matt GALLO. He should have been it.

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I. Cute but I wouldn’t “hang” it on my wall.

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