“Fantastic Four” or “Fantastic Bore/Snore” my fuckin review

Here is my review for “Fantastic Four“. OMG Everybody hated this movie! What the fuck! Okay so the movie starts off and Reed and Ben are kids. Reed is smart and Ben is dumb. They become best friends when he makes a teleporter or some shit. Cut to the High School Science fair and they have entered the teleporter but still getting no respect. The teachers hate them for some reason. Sue Storm shows up with her African-American father and they hire him to come work on a bigger version of the teleporter that they have already made. Ben can’t come cuz he is dumb. Later Johnny Storm shows up and he is a trouble maker but can build shit. Then Doctor Doom shows up and he is emo as fuck. Now the movie drags on and on and on. FUCK, they finally get the machine to work so they all decide to go to another planet/dimension, but instead of inviting Sue they call Ben, who is still dumb. He even has to drive an hour to get there. Sue is left behind and Reed, Doom, Johnny and Ben all go to some another world and step in green space shit and bring it back to Earth. Sue gets ass blasted by it and Dr. Doom is left behind in it to die. Now we have to deal with these 4 bitches depressed about it for the next hour. Literally having their powers looks fuckin horrifying. I would not want them after watching them suffer so badly, and neither would the kids in the audience. So much for going home and buying those toys bitch. Meanwhile we are all bored. Later they build the machine again to go back to the other planet. This whole goddamn movie is about building and rebuilding a fuckin machine. How about using these powers in cool ass ways mother fuckers. Anyway they get back to the planet and Dr. Doom is not dead and they bring his ass back to Earth and he starts killing everyone, then he is like “I want to go back to the other planet”. Bitch go! They try to stop him for some reason. Haha ummmmm okay. So they follow him back and they finally use their powers in a big ass fight scene that is super fast and makes no sense. The end. Is this movie shit? No. Everyone acts like it is the worst movie ever made, and it’s not. It’s just fuckin boring as hell. I even like the actors they chose. They just aren’t given anything to do but work on a fuckin machine the whole movie. It’s sad really. You will just wish for something fun or exciting to happen, but it doesn’t. There is no magic or wonder at all. Just boredom and sadness. It’s like they said don’t make it as dumb and cheesy as the last 2 movies about the Fantastic Four. So they stayed away from the comedy and the laughter all together and made it sad as fuck. People act like this is the worst movie of the fuckin year. I mean it’s not good but it ain’t complete shit either. Wait for Netflix and don’t watch if you are dealing with a friend’s death, or a break up, or your dog just died. So if you love the Fantastic Four, Nude rock dudes, depressed people, sadness, boredom, building machines, and other planets then this movie is for you. It’s just sad and boring.

The Trailer:

The Facts Bitch:

A. The Thing’s dick was literally hanging out the entire time. I was horrified.

Fantastic-Four-Miles-Teller-Kate-Mara-Jamie-Bell copy

More nudes!

Screen Shot 2015-06-30 at 9.13.26 PM

B. I guess nobody wants to see a depressing superhero movie.

C. Honestly maybe there is no way to not make this shit not look cheesy. This Fantastic Four in (2005) was terrible and way worse.

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D. Miles TellerKate MaraMichael B. Jordan, and Jamie Bell are all fun actors, but their characters had no witty lines and nowhere to go. 

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E. I wish they wore these outfits holy shit.

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F. The director is Josh Trank. He directed Chronicle, which is amazing. I think there were too many cooks in the kitchen and somebody was bitching about the salt and pepper. They are all talking shit now. Who knows. He was fired from doing a new Star Wars movie though. I feel sad for him really. Here is a pic of him being pushed down by a Producer.

josh_trank

G. I feel like everyone jumped on some weird hate band wagon. There were worse movie this year. Haha

H. The poster. I mean Whatever.

aiPi7UD

 

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