“The Forest” or “Go Kill Yourself and Me” – my fuckin review

Here is my review for “The Forest“. Okay so this American girl gets a message that her twin sister has gone into a forest that is in Japan that is haunted as fuck called “The Suicide Forest”. It is where all these people go to kill themselves when they are sad in Japan. So there are all kinds of ghosts and demons and shit there. It’s literally based on reality and many people have died there. So this dumb American girl is like “Oh no my fuckin sister, I gotta go find her stupid ass”. So she goes to Japan into the woods to find her. There she meets Lady Gaga’s boyfriend who happens to be the only conveniently white guy in the city and flirts with him and then he takes her into the woods as a tour guide or some shit. Why a white guy? Why not a hot Japanese dude? I mean you are in JAPAN! What the fuck!!! I guess white people find each other. Now it’s getting late and they decide to stay in the SUICIDE WOODS all night. I’m not staying in a haunting ass woods all night to wait for anyone that may or may not be dead. Literally go kill yourself now bitch. You deserve to die. I deserve to die too for staying and continuing to watch this shitty ass movie. So know it’s 3am or some shit in the middle of some giant ass Satanic death forest and this bitch starts seeing asian ghost girls that tell her to follow them deep into the woods. Umm kill yourself bitch. Now the white dude is acting sketchy, more ghosts are showing up and they are still looking for the dumb twin sister. Who cares. Go kill yourselves. Kill me. Kill the theater. Kill the cast. Kill the Director. I’m dead bitch. So this movie is predictable and dumb. You will roll your eyes the first 5 minutes in the movie when the American girl starts saying I know my sister is not dead because we are twins and I can feel she is not dead. HAHAHA Shut up dummy! Then she does stupid shit the rest of the movie. Yes, I love horror movies so maybe I am harder on them. They have to be smart and fun and scary. Two dumb ass honkeys in the woods ain’t enough. Meanwhile I would love to see a documentary on the true life Suicide Forest because that shit sounds scary as fuck. So if you want to scare a ten year old then show them this movie.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Don’t force your twin bullshit on me.

B. I like Natalie Dormer but she sucked in this. I prayed for this to happen to me the whole movie.

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C.  I want to see the real story about the Suicide Forest aka The Aokigahara Forest. Here is a 20 minute documentary about it. Unfortunately it’s by Vice.

D. Lady Gaga’s boyfriend was the sketchy white dude (Eoin Macken).

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E. Runnnn and then go kill yourself.

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F. Jason Zada directed this film and he has only done short films. This picture should have been the whole movie. It was not. It was like 2 seconds. 

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G. The composer was Bear McCreary (Battlestar GalacticaTerminator: The Sarah Connor ChroniclesDamien). Who I usually love but this score was forgettable.

H. The poster. Go kill yourself now.

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