“X-Men: Apocalypse” or “Just Make A Teen X-Men Movie Bitch” -my fuckin review

Here is my review for “X-Men: Apocalypse“. Okay so this is the 3rd movie with this new camp of mutants bitches. I have enjoyed the last 2 films for what they were. Okay so there is this new bad guy name Apocalypse from the old school Egypt days and he is pissed about something and wants the world to suffer or some shit. He wakes up in 1983 and the X-Men are sitting around chilling and ready to bitch at him. Magneto has a wife and kid no, Charles is still rolling around the school, Jennifer Lawrence (Oh does she play a mutant? I didn’t notice.) is running a mutant underground, and there are some new teen mutants. Shit hits the X-Fan and Apocalypse gets Magneto, Storm, Megan Fox, and a Gay stripper named Angel to join him. They set out to fuck shit up in the 80’s. Meanwhile the movie is cutting back and forth to like 5o characters. When it cuts to the teen mutants I’m interested though. They are doing cool shit like going to the mall and going to see “Return of the Jedi” and shit. Ummm stay on them this shit is funny and interesting. Nightcrawler is wearing a Michael Jackson “Thriller” jacket, yes. Then some people die, but honestly it didn’t really matter because I didn’t even see them die, or we really didn’t know them, so who cares. Now back to the over-the-top stereotypical villain speeches. Yay, back to Quicksilver saving everyone in slow motion to a song by the Eurythmics! Gross here comes an unnecessary/forced scene with Wolverine. Ugh. Now here comes a fight scene that we have already seen in the last 5 superhero movies. In the end Jennifer Lawrence says “forget what you know” and we honestly try to, because we are tired of seeing Charles, Magneto, and Jennifer and we just want to see this fun batch of Teen Mutants buying records at the fucking mall in 1983.

Okay so this movie is choppy as fuck. You feel like you are just watching a million scenes from other superhero movies stuck together. There is no flow or emotion to them at all. They just jump around back-n-forth to so many characters you can never really lock on to anyone. Who am I following? Who do I like and care about?  It’s like when they cut to Magneto crying I feel like I don’t really know him in this movie. So fuck it. So you give up and just say I like this scene and that scene. The scenes you like end up being all the teen mutant and Quicksilver stuff. That’s it. Which is not a lot. Like a 25% of the film or less. Apocalypse is cheesy and over-the-top and you are just sick of seeing him half way through the movie cuz of that blue makeup. You just want to rewind or fast-forward the movie to the Teen Mutant adventures at the mall or Quicksilver. This 3rd film tries to be the big showdown of the trilogy aka “Return of the Jedi”,  but we don’t care. We wanted it to be close and personal. What’s it like for these young mutants dealing with getting picked on a shit and buying records and shit. I don’t care that Charles loses his fuckin hair. Buy a wig bitch. Anyway I have been entertained by the X-Men movies over the years. I liked X-Men 2 the most I think. This one was a chopped up emotionless mess. If you LOVED the other films you will probably be entertained by this one, but still let down in the end.  If you didn’t really care for the other ones you will hate this one. Stay after the end credits there is some shit. It was dumb, but yet there it is. 

The Trailer: I changed the trailers music so it would sound better.

The Facts:

A. I wish this was the theme song still.

B. I feel like Jennifer Lawrence is going through the motions and is just there. She forgot what she knew about the last X-Men movies. Her mutant power was being Jennifer Lawrence. Literally she is playing the same character in all these films now. 

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C. Bryan Singer I’m not sure what to say. I like 25% of your movie. The Teen Mutant part. The other bullshit is played and the cast looks lost and bored as fuck. Stick to having sex parties in your mansion I guess.  Yes, that was shade.

D. Evan Peters/Quicksilver is the most entertaining and interesting character in the whole fucking movie. He is the star. I could watch his ass save people in slow motion all day to songs from 1983.

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His scenes were the best. They played this jam when he saved a bunch of kids. It was the best scene in the movie.

E. Oscar Isaac you are great in movies, but not this one. I have seen better makeup at Dragon Con. The character was boring and he said the same tired villain bullshit. The world is mine etc. who cares? Kill me? Drink Bleach. 

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HAHA this guys cosplay at a fuckin convention is better.

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F. Sansa Stark as Teen Jean Grey was great. I want to see her getting an ICEE and Pretzel with cheese at the mall with Teen Cyclops ASAP and then buy new jeans.

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G. Tye Sheridan as Teen Cyclops was good. I want those glasses. He better not go down on Jean Grey or he will melt that ASS!

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H. Kodi Smit-McPhee plays Teen Nightcrawler and I have seen better wigs on a suburban mom, but I wish they would have focused on his ass in the mall break dancing or shopping for new wigs. He was the real story. Trying to form the first blue man group in 1983.

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I. John Ottman composed the score again. It was generic and forgettable. If you hear it a month from now. You will think it was from Batman Vs Superman etc.

J. UMMMMMMMMMMMM Everyone wanted to hang/see Jubilee. You basically gave her no lines. WHAT THE FUCK! I want to see teen her, teen Cyclops, teen Nightcrawler, teen Jean Grey, teen Jubilee, teen Quicksilver hanging out at Spencer’s at the fuckin mall using their powers to get dates and stop bad guys from ruining the Mutant High prom. This other story bored the shit out of me.

Its’s 83 where the fuck is Jubilee!

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Here are things we didn’t see in the movie but we wanted to! THE MALL STUFF! WTF! This was all made for the movie but we see none of it!!!! This is the movie I wanted to see!  Teen Mutants at the mall in 1983! Good going Bryan you deleted the only good shit in the movie.

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K. People died and it really didn’t matter or we didn’t even know they died. Haha Ummmm Show us the body I didn’t feel a thing or know one fucker was even dead.

L. Is this the same Gay Stripper that was in X-Men: The Last Stand 2006?

Last Stand: 2006

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New movie: 1983ben_hardy_angel_x-men_apocalypse

M. Apocalypse comes in and technically ruins Storms hair by turning it white. I know we all think it’s cool, but he makes it turn white like an old lady. If that happened to us we would hate this fucker, but for some reason she joins him? Think about it someone comes in tomorrow turns your shit white for life like a fuckin Golden Girl. You would be livid! Not join a bitch!

Also my good friend DAX EXCLAMATION POINT dresses up as Storm and it’s amazing. LOOK! Better than movie!

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N. This poster is cluttered and choppy like the movie.

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2 thoughts on ““X-Men: Apocalypse” or “Just Make A Teen X-Men Movie Bitch” -my fuckin review

  1. Bitch, you just learned this word today? Bitch, it was hard to read all of this bitchy bich stuff, even if you had a good bitch point. Bitch please. Stahp. We know you’re bitch pissed of but good bitch get the bitch grip.

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