“Blair Witch” or “The Witch Is Back And She Is Pissed, Naked, And Horny” – my fuckin review

Here is my review for the “Blair Witch” or what was called “The Woods” cuz they tried to trick us! YES!!!!!!! This is the sequel to “The Blair Witch Project” (1999) which I loved. It was simple and effective and scary. Now we are watching the sequel directed by Adam Wingard (The GuestYou’re NextV/H/S -segment “Tape 56”, V/H/S/2 -segment “Phase I Clinical Trials”, Death Noteand written by Simon Barrett (Same stuff as Adam). 

Okay so it’s been 17 years since the last Blair Witch tapes were found and a new tape was found with a short clip on it. It shows the reflection of someone running through that old creepy ass witch house from part 1. It looks like Heather from the first film also. Heather’s brother James sees that shit online and gets his crew together to go back to those woods to go look for his sister Heather. Maybe she been hiding for 17 years or taking a nap or some shit. So now with 2016 tech like cell phones, GPS, Drones, and attitude they all go back to the Blair Witch woods to look for his long-lost sister. On the way there they pick up the couple who found the new tapes so they can show them where they found the tapes. Now they are out in the thick of the woods and they start hearing shit that sounds like a T-Rex stomping around. Maybe it’s a giant ass witch! More shit starts popping off and tents start flying. In the end the Blair Witch shows up and everyone is running and screaming and they end up in a witch hole.

Okay so this movie was a lot of fun, scary, and the last 15 minutes were pretty tense when she was in that witch hole. I’m claustrophobic as fuck. If you loved the first Blair Witch movie you will enjoy watching the continuation of the story. The characters are memorable and likable, even though you miss Heather from the first movie. In some ways it feels like a remake, but it’s still cool enough to be a sequel. There are some interesting new scary things in the film and a few small twists here and there. You will want to go to the woods and get fucked by a witch. I mean they didn’t reinvent the fuckin first movie but they had fun with it. I love the concept of the Blair Witch so it was cool to see them in those woods again and her fuck with them. The first movie is obviously better and scarier because you didn’t know anything that was going on in that one. This one is strictly for fun and scares. There is some weird ass time travel stuff in this one but honestly I am okay with that and it not being explained well. I like they hint at shit with it and not tell you everything. The witch definitely popped off more in this one. She was stronger and more pissed off for sure, but I’m cool with that. Let’s party.

My only real problem was how it was filmed. Found footage has changed. People don’t film like it’s 1999 anymore. People know how to hold a camera steady. Literally everyone on Earth has camera on them now and they know how to use that shit. So unless you are running and screaming while you are filming shit or you are doing a cart-wheel bitch then hold the camera steady. We know it’s found footage bitch! Stop selling it. I also loved that kept that it was a Blair Witch movie a secret for so long. We all thought it was a movie called “The Woods” forever. That was fun.

If you want to see some nostalgic horror fun in the woods this is the cut for you. I had a good time watching it and reliving the Blair Witch scares! Is it the best horror movie of the year? No, but it’s a spooky good time and it will make you want to go camping and die. If you were 16 when the first Blair Witch movie came out and it scared you because you were younger and now it’s 17 years later and you are bitter and jaded and hate horror movies now because nothing is scary anymore because you old and busted then this is not for you. Look in the mirror and the real horror movie will begin bitch.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. She looked scared as fuck at the end of the movie. She looked totally fucked up.

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B. Adam and Simon do a good job with make things scary and cohesive. They didn’t make anything original but looked like they had fun making it. My biggest complaint is that it was filmed like it was 1999 or 1989. Meaning people don’t film like they used to.  Found footage is different now. People literally film shit every day in 2000’s. It’s 2016 people have a camera on them daily now. They know how to keep shit steady. I get it when they are running around and shit but when they are just standing there, the camera is all over the place like they just picked up a fuckin camera for the first time and can’t work it. NO. It’s 2016 we can all film shit now. We know how to get that shot bitch! Look at everyone’s fuckin shitty ass instagrams. Everyone is literally a filmmaker now. Your mom probably has film at this point. So don’t give me this shaky camera shit like it’s 1989 or some shit. The “Paranormal Activity” films are found footage and their characters know how to film shit cuz it’s the 2000’s. So cut the shit. Also in between scenes there are these loud scratchy ass glitches so that we would know that we were watching found footage. We get it bitch we know! Cut that shit out. If someone found this footage and edited it for us to see they would have edited that shit out right? You are just irritating your audience honestly. Stop bitch!

C. The music was by Adam Wingardit was just background noises and shit but that’s what it needs to be. So good job bitch. Here is a sample. Honestly get it for your yard to play during Halloween or for when you have sex or whatever. 

D. She gave it to you here. Hahahaha Look At her fuckin face!

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E. Heather’s brother James should have stayed home and said fuck her.

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F. I miss Heather and her shitty 90’s hat from part 1.

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G. We made Blair Witch sticks to get in the spirit of things.

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Then the Blair Witch liked that shit!

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H. There were some giant Blair sticks in this one.

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I. At one point they gave you that “Raiders of the Lost Ark” shit. Don’t look at the shit or it will kill you. Aka Medusa. Keep your eyes closed to horror. Shitttttt!

J. UPDATE the director and writer says that you DO NOT SEE THE BLAIR WITCH IN THIS MOVIE.

K. I LOVE THE POSTERS! Here is the The Woods poster, then when they released it as The Blair Witch.

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