“Pete’s Dragon” or “Bastard Child Has Shitty Hair And Hangs Out With CGI Green DOG” my fuckin review

Here is my review for “Pete’s Dragon“. The film starts off with this family driving and they get into a wreck because they aren’t paying attention to the road in front of them. Now the parents are dead and the little boy Pete is lost in the woods and meets a dragon, that for some reason looks like a big ass green dog. He immediately forgets his parents ever existed and lives with this fuckin Dog Dragon for 6 YEARS! WHAT! What’s he eating magic? Dragon Shit? Anyway I guess the dragon bought him food at Whole Foods. Meanwhile now he is a bastard homeless child running around with shitty hair and old clothes hanging off his ass. Dirt is all over his face and he looks like his has not taken a bath in 6 years. The Dog Dragon doesn’t know how to show him how to take bath but can make him and elaborate treehouse. Later Bryce Dallas Howard shows up and tells him to get out of the woods that he needs to live with a human family. That Dog Dragons are stupid as fuck and not real!!!!! Also there are log dudes that want to kill the Dog Dragon. They hate him cuz he is green and shit. Also the kid still has NOT gotten a hair cut. I mean it looks horrible. Now Robert Redford is sitting around talking about magic and shit. Later everyone is after the Dog Dragon and he tries to burn Bryce Dallas Howard screaming to death in her car. Honestly good riddance. They eventually get the Dog Dragon back to the woods and the boy forsakes him for this new family HE HAS ONLY KNOWN FOR A FUCKIN DAY! Wait til they tell you to clean your room and to take a bath you little shit, then you will pray for the Dog Dragon to love you again you mop haired little fucker. So if you love shitty hair, Dog Dragons, the Renaissance Festival, logging, dirty looking kids, and terrible ass dragon folk music then this is for you. It was not for me. Get a hair cut you ain’t one of THE BEATLES BITCH!

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Take a bath and go to SUPER CUTS BITCH!

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Here he is trying to comb that rat’s nest.
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B. Dog Dragon! WTF!

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C. This is from the old one. This shit looks more real. Hahane79gsza5x6jad_1_b

 

D. Here is a song from the new one. It sounds like when you are walking into the Renaissance Festival.

Here is a song from the old one. Holy shit. I might be happy all day after hearing this shit.

E. Haha wtf am I looking at? GAG ME WITH A DOG DRAGON!

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F. I love magic and movies about magic, but I felt limp after watching this. The score was composed by Daniel Hart and bored me also. He also did the score for The Exorcist (TV Series) that score was bad also.

G. Hahaha fuzzy ass dog tail.

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