“Kong: Skull Island” or “King Kong Goes to Vietnam or Apocalypse Kong” my fuckin review

Here is my review for “Kong: Skull Island“.  It’s 1973 and Vietnam is over and John Goodman is organizing a team to head to Skull Island to look for giant monsters. He needs a military team headed by Samuel L. Jackson to go with him. Samuel loves war and death and hates monkeys. They also need a pretty girl to go take photos for them so Brie Larson goes and a bunch of other people who do other stuff. So they head to the island and when they get to the island they load up the helicopters and tie big speakers to them so they can play their favorite 70’s songs, so that King Kong can hear them coming. When they see Kong they fly all their helicopter right into his face for some reason. Nobody turns or stops. Helicopters are not planes, they can stop and hover and shit. So all 10 or 20 copters are destroyed. Seriously all of them fly right into his goddamn face and hands. Anyway now everyone is trapped on Skull Island with other giant monsters and bad neighborhoods.  Samuel is pissed and just stands there a lot looking at a monkey that is the size of a fucking mountain. He is such a “bad ass” that he is not getting out-of-the-way of something that is the size of a building coming at him? I don’t understand. He is stupid. Is that the point? Step on him I hate him. Meanwhile everyone is running away. Then everyone gets separated and some country captain keeps writing his son letters for some reason, but that never pans out. Then they run into John C. Reilly who has been trapped on the island for years. He helps with some comic relief and sounds like he is improving his dialogue thank Kong (God). Later they all team up and hate Samuel as much as me. Then watch Kong fight a Skull demon Mortal Kombat style. I swear he throws a chain like Scorpion. We finally learn that Vietnam was a bad war and that not to fuck with the Ecosystem of the Earth etc. Stay until after the credits for a surprise about the future of Kong and Godzilla. 

Okay so I love the concept of King Kong. I love Monster movies. Ya know Godzilla, Rodan, Mothra, etc. but the monsters are only half your film. Shit, I thought by watching the trailer I would hate the John C. Reilly character because it would be too silly for this film, but he was the only one with half way distant lines. The rest of the characters were just forgettable. I was like step on them, who cares. It’s like honestly give me something to work with or remember here. The Director obviously liked “Apocalypse Now” and “Jurassic Park“, but you can quote those movies. You can’t quote this movie. Well unless you want to make fun of it. “Kong is king around here” Hahaha get real. Meanwhile we see 20 helicopters smashing into Kong because the script says we need all the people trapped on the island. So get those bitches on the ground no matter if it makes sense or not. Characters sacrificing themselves because it’s time for them to die because the others are more important? To be fair it happens in a lot movies. Who knows why. I guess in the end I think with King Kong you are supposed to feel emotion for that character out of all the monster movies. Like when he gets hurt or falls over, you are supposed to go, no not Kong. But really you don’t feel anything for anyone in this movie. I mean I guess if you love King Kong then you love seeing him on the big screen and seeing him fight monsters, there are a few cool shots and other monsters in the movie and that’s about it. It sounds like I hated it but I didn’t. It’s a big Hollywood movie and I was just disappointed in the characters, dialogue and the score. I wish I could felt something for King Kong. I would not buy it on Blu Ray though. It is better than that Peter Jackson shit, but I did love the weirdness of the 1976 version.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Tom HiddlestonBrie LarsonCorey HawkinsTian JingToby KebbellShea WhighamThomas Mann and Jason Mitchell were pretty much forgettable and just empty action figures and or bodies to be stepped on. If they are all replaced in the sequel that’s cool. I don’t know their character names etc. 

B.John Goodman plays John GoodmanSamuel L. Jackson play a guy who loves war and hates apes. 

C. Directed by Jordan Vogt-Roberts. Who directed “The Kings of Summer” which I loved. It doesn’t feel like the same director. 

D. The Dialogue was a mess and cheesy to me. Ya know eye rolly. Here is who wrote the screenplay Dan Gilroy (NightcrawlerMax Borenstein (Minority Report TV Show, Godzilla: King of MonstersGodzilla vs. Kong) and Derek Connolly (Jurassic WorldMonster TrucksUntitled Jurassic World SequelStar Wars: Episode IX).  These are the 3 dudes who wrote it and what they will be writing next. So get ready for more forgettable lines in the future.

E. A weird ass scene from the 1976 King Kong. At least it’s memorable.

F. Henry Jackman composed the score and like most of his scores it’s generic and forgettable. (X-Men: First ClassAbraham Lincoln: Vampire HunterG.I. Joe: RetaliationThe 5th WaveCaptain America: The Winter SoldierJack Reacher: Never Go Back)

G. I am excited about Godzilla vs. Kong coming in 2020 and Godzilla: King of Monsters in 2019. 

I hope in this movie there are cooler characters. Maybe an all female pop group caught in the middle of them fighting called “WHEN TEMPERS FLARE”.

H.  Look out! He right there! Turn!

 

2 thoughts on ““Kong: Skull Island” or “King Kong Goes to Vietnam or Apocalypse Kong” my fuckin review

  1. Hi Eddie! Do you plan to see/review Get Out?! I’d be curious to hear your perspective. Hope all is well.

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