“Beauty and the Beast” or “Beauty and The Demon of Hell House” my fuckin review

Here is my review of “Beauty and the Beast“. So this is the live action version of the cartoon version. There will be many more like this to come. Okay we start are adventure with Madonna performing “Vogue” at the 1990 MTV Music Awards.

Then a witch comes and puts a curse on her and it turns her into a demon.

Now she is trapped as a demon for life. Cut to years later with this girl named Belle, who has read 6 books her whole life and she thinks she has it all figured out. She is bored and I feel like lazy. Walking around all day singing and stealing food from the village while her dad works his ass off. Meanwhile this gay guy named Gaston wants to marry her for tax purposes, but his boyfriend Left Foot is jealous as fuck. Bottoms am I right? Anyway her dad gets drunk one night and ends up at Demon Madonna’s haunted castle and tries to steal a rose. Like Daughter like father. Thieves. So Demon Madonna keeps him there as a prisoner with all this nightmarish and freakish shit. Talking furniture, a Chav Tea pot that I think is singer Adele. It was scary as fuck I would be screaming and smashing all that shit with a fuckin bat. Anyway Belle comes to find her dad and they swap places. Belle stays and lives in this nightmare world with Demon Madonna. Who kind of sounds like a demonic Kermit the Frog. Then one night Demon Madonna gets drunk and starts flirting with Belle and sings this shit. Remember it’s a musical.

It’s gets weird and they bang after the song, then Belle starts falling in love with Demon Madonna and this house of horrors but one day while watching “Orange is the New Black” on a TV Mirror. She sees her dad getting arrested so she has to leave to go help him. Demon Madonna is sad because she thinks Belle will never return to her and she feels FROZEN and sings this.

Later Gaston and his boyfriend Left Foot hear of Belle’s Hell House tale and comes with angry mob to kill Demon Madonna. Gaston is not having his marriage of convenience taken away from him. He and Demon Madonna have a showdown. And Demon Madonna tells him you don’t know who you are fucking with and starts singing this song. All the villagers down below roll their eyes.

In the end Demon Madonna kills Gaston and gets Belle and then turns into the guy from the movie “The Guest” and “Downton Abbey” and they all dance to……

 

Okay so maybe some of this is true. Haha. Was this entertaining? Sure. Did you feel like you have seen this before? YES. It’s the same movie as the cartoon. It’s just got Emma Watson in it. The Beast still looks like a cartoon and sounds like a demonic Kermit. The Tea Pot really was a Chav but not Adele. It was Emma Thompson. I mean Emma Watson is fine in it and the songs you love because you know them already, so it feels like a Disney greatest hits mix. The character of LeFou (Josh Gad) is gay and he flirts with Gaston (Luke Evans who is gay in real life) a lot but ends up with a drag queen at the end and that’s pretty interesting and new. Ewan McGregor sounded weird with a French accent as Captain Candlestick, I mean it didn’t sound good. I feel like what else can you say about something you have seen and heard a million times before, it’s just the live action version. If you love Beauty and the Beast you will love this movie too. It was made for you. It felt long and slow. I would never sit through it again.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Dan Stevens you are better than a CGI Demon. 

B. They sing this.

C. Emma Watson I mean I guess she did fine. She looked a little stiff though. See. 

D. People boycotted this movie because this character was gay. They should have boycotted because a girl was fucking a demon. Haha

E. Ian McKellen was a clock in this. Here is a picture of Captain Candlestick and Clock. 

F. Directed by Bill Condon (The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2Candyman: Farewell to the Flesh). Well.

G. Cute.

 

 

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