“Alien: Covenant” or “Michael Fassbenders: In Space” my fuckin review

SPOILERS STUPID!

Here is my review for “Alien: Covenant“. This is the sequel to “Prometheus“. Here is my review for that film https://eddieraysmoviereviews.wordpress.com/2012/06/08/prometheus-or-all-dressed-up-and-nowhere-to-go-my-fuckin-review/ .

Okay so this film starts off with a big spaceship traveling through the universe with a crew that is woken up to go investigate a weird planet. Then some of the crew gets infected by something but Ripley will not let them bring it onboard, but the the alien gets on anyway and they have to fight it. Oh shit wait that’s another movie, that’s “Alien“. Oops it starts of the same way though. Then after that it turns into Prometheus 2, when they pick up with that David (Fassender) character from part 1, but there is already a Fassbender on board called Walter. So if you hate Michael Fassebender walk out now. In the theater no one cane hear you walk out! Now the crew that is stranded on the weird planet (Still not LV-426) is being attacked by aliens that look like like uncooked white chickens to me. So they follow David to the giant white people who created the Aliens. They are all dead now. David has killed them all for some reason. Maybe he hates “white” aliens. I don’t blame him. Now our gang is being killed by the uncooked chicken aliens. While David and Walter make out barefooted. That’s not a joke. I am serious. Not that I mind two dudes making out, but barefooted with dirty alien feet and with your twin. I don’t know.  Later we find out that somehow David was the one who created the Alien egg and the Xenomorh as we have come to know it. Not an alien queen or the giant white people. A robot? Then a baby Xenomorph is born and almost comes out doing some sort of bow or performance. I have no idea what is happening or care. In the end Danny McBride risks 2,000 crew members to drive the big spaceship to the planet to save like 2 people. Then our female hero who looks like a Kroger Cashier tries to save the day by running around falling everywhere tied to rope shooting at an alien. Honestly I would be embarrassed if I was her. She could have just stayed inside the ship and they could have shaken the alien off? Then in a weird twist (for a Ridley Scott film) there is a Friday the 13th horror movie style shower scene. Where a couple is having sex and an alien kills them. Let me say that again. A nude couple is having sex in a shower and an alien kills them! Did you hear me? Then more Michael Fassbender.  The end.

So is it better than Prometheus? Yes, because that movie is trash. I even watched it again before we went to see Alien: Covenant and honestly I was kind to that fuckin movie. It’s way worse than I remember. Yes, it’s a pretty movie, but Prometheus is terrible and insulting. Also if it was so good why doesn’t anyone care that the Elizabeth Shaw character was just killed off in an online video that is not even included in the fucking movie. Now we are sitting here watching what starts off to be literally a reboot of the movie “Alien”. The titles for “Alien: Covenant” come up just like “Alien” and they even use Jerry Goldsmith’s theme. Then it’s the same shit until the David character shows up then it turns into Prometheus 2 and you are like “okay what now” the rest of the way. Yes, once again everything looks pretty. It’s literally Michael Fassbender vs. Michael Fassbender the whole movie. He is all over the goddamn place. Playing 2 parts. Then telling me he creating the eggs and the alien Xenomorph? The ones that show up to fight Ripley later in the movie “Alien”? HUH? Your shit is confusing and a mess. Sorry just because you have an alien running around and you shoot at it in a film doesn’t make it good. The original “Alien” and “Aliens” are films that have transcending time bitch. They are films that people have ripped off and live still and shit. You hand this half ass report in to your teacher and you expect her not to fail your ass. Get real. YOU FAIL! You have bootleg and forgettable characters that you could give a shit less about. Another forced Ripley ripoff like in “Prometheus”. I think trying to force a new Ripley is a train wreck. Sigourney Weaver was like accidentally magic. Then having Danny play a country character called Tennessee with a cowboy hat is cheesy. It’s 2017 and James Cameron did something similar back in 1989 with the movie “The Abyss” he had a character called “One Night” who was country and had a cowboy hat and listened to country music, but what was interesting was that the character was female and African-American. Now in 2017 we got this hokey shit. Later that Friday the 13th inspired shower death scene is too much. Don’t get me wrong I love Friday the 13th movies. I own and watch them every Friday the 13th. BUT ALIEN FILMS AREN’T FRIDAY THE 13TH MOVIES! A sex scene with boobs in a shower???? Seriously? Hahaha wow. Did the studio make Ridley Scott shoot that? I mean fuck it whatever. Scenes where David was talking to Walter I was just staring off, I honestly have no idea what was even said at this point. When that little baby Xenomorh was born the whole audience laughed. I wish I had a gif of it to show you. It’s a joke. I was offended hahahaha Anyway did I hate this movie? No. Do I care? No. I will never watch it again. The movie “Aliens” is one of the best films ever made for so many reasons. Even “Alien” is Science Fiction legacy. To like this new film is a slap to those movies faces. Honestly I would rather watch “AVP: Alien vs. Predator” at least it knows it’s trash and doesn’t try to blow smoke up your ass. 

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. How many Michael Fassbender‘s do you need for a film? I also don’t want to see androids walking around with no shoes on and its gross and dumb. Put some shoes on David your feet stink! I guess he is the star in all of these new movies. Whatever. 

P.S. Michael has a huge dong. Want to see? Click on my review for “Shame” a movie he is nude in https://eddieraysmoviereviews.wordpress.com/2011/12/12/shame-or-michael-fassbenders-dick-is-huge-my-fuckin-review/

B. Does this make you hungry for chicken?

C. Katherine Waterston would be great as a Kroger Cashier in a Kroger grocery store. 

kroger-6-copy-e1495661475184.jpg

D. The score was composed by Jed Kurzel (The Babadook,Assassin’s Creed). It’s pretty good but maybe because it used Jerry Goldsmith‘s themes the whole time. He was a brilliant composer before he died.

E. I love Danny McBride in shit but calling him Tennessee and making him a country like character in 2017 is silly. Although I wish he was just Danny in it being a smart ass. 

Tennessee (Alien: Covenant- 2017)

One Night (The Abyss- 1989) P.S. The Abyss is amazing. 

F. Billy Crudup is like a rip off of Henry Thomas. Every time I see him I think it’s Henry for a second and hope it’s him. It’s not. This is not shade against the film even though I find him boring in the film. Haha 

Henry Thomas was in E.T. so he wins. 

G. James Franco is in this? Haha but barely. I wish he was in the whole thing. You can see him in this scene that is not in the movie along with 2 gay characters that you can’t tell are gay in the film, but can in this scene. So people just thought they were broke straight boys or something I guess. 

H. Whites only I guess.

I. A prologue that is not in the movie, that you need to see before you see the movie. That’s a problem. Hahaha Also Elizabeth Shaw from “Prometheus” is dead and nobody cares. Why? Because she sucked and nobody gave a shit. By the end of this film you will feel the same way about these new characters. I assume if they make a 3rd there will be all new characters too.

J. The poster looks great. Too bad the movie wasn’t.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s