“Spider-Man: Homecoming” or “Spider-Teen: Tony Just Doesn’t Understand” my fuckin review

Here is my review for “Spider-Man: Homecoming“. Spider-Man is back, for the… lets see Spider-Man 2002, Spider-Man 2 2004, Spider-Man 3 2007, The Amazing Spider-Man 2012,  The Amazing Spider-Man 2 2014 and Captain America: Civil War 2016! OMFG! So much Spider-Man! Okay so this Spider-Man was introduced in the Captain America movie and there is no shitty origin story. So we don’t have to sit through all the bullshit of where Spider-Man comes from again. YAY! FUCK THAT! 

Okay so this time Spider-Man is 15 year old and Tobey Maguire was like 27 or some shit. He is in High School living with his hot Aunt May and dealing with being Spider-Man. He got a new suit from Tony Stark, aka Iron Man, that does a lot of stuff and Tony is like his know it all bitchy dad. Ya know, shut up Spider-Kid you don’t know shit and clean your room etc. Spider-Man is just trying to help people and get laid and build stuff out of Legos with his chunky friend. Later Michael Keaton shows up trying to steal stuff as The Vulture and Spider-Man ain’t having it. Keaton tries to teach him some lessons but Spidey doesn’t need another daddy talking down to him. So he is like fuck you Bird Man. Then they decide to go to the Homecoming dance and listen to classical music (80’s music). There Spider-Man is nervous about The Vulture, people finding out about his secret, girls, and getting a boner in that skin-tight suit. Being a teen superhero is fucked up! In the end who the fuck is Mary Jane and where is Mysterio!

Okay this movie is funnnnn! Spider-Man makes sense as a teenager in High School and it’s great to see him interact with other Marvel characters. Don’t get me wrong I liked the Tobey Maguire Spider-Man movies too and they were cool (the Andrew Garfield ones were terrible), but this Spider-Man makes more sense to me. He is young and goofy and trying to figure shit out and not good at being a hero and we don’t have to sit through a boring origin story. So we are in it to win it, quick. You love all the High School stuff in the background too. All the other kids and weird side teen characters shit. It was like Degrassi up in there bitch! More of that please. Yeah the action is fun and you will love that too, but it’s Tom as Peter Parker and Micheal Keaton as The Vulture that make this movie real, interesting and cool. You will be excited to see “Spider-Man 2: Winter Formal” in 2 years. His best friend did get on my nerves though. Sorry he wouldn’t shut up. Please shut the fuck up. I really would love to see Mysterio’s ass in one of these. So if you love Spider-Man you will love this movie. It was a lot of fun and I can’t wait to see him in Avengers 3 or whatever it’s called. Shake that ass bitch!

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Tom Holland was great as Peter Parker and Spider-Man. He has fun with it and you feel his excitement for it. You would for sure be his friend.

Here is what you really want. Don’t worry he is actually 21 pervs.

B. It was directed by Jon Watts (Cop CarThe Onion News Network). 

C. Michael Keaton has given us so much! Mr. Mom Beetlejuice Batman Jackie Brown Jack Frost Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance). He was great as the Vulture. 

D. Michael Giacchino is amazing as always and this is probably the best Marvel score. Marvel scores are known for being generic trash. This one is one of the best I have heard. It sticks out but he is a great composer so ya know.

E. Marisa Tomei was great as Aunt May and I want more of her. I want to see her out at clubs dancing to Tag Team’s Whoomp! (There it is).

Here is the old Aunt May. Still hot.

Here is the new Aunt May. But honestly when you are 15 years old your Aunt was not 80 years old. She was like 30 or 40.

F. Zendaya was cool and mean in this movie as Peter’s friend or whatever. She was giving people the finger, so I was into her. 

G. They should have played this song at the end cuz Tony and Aunt May just don’t understand what Spidey is going through.

They played this jam though. I wonder if 15 year olds know who The Ramones are?

Technically they should have played Katy Perry’s “Swish Swish” or Kendrick Lamar’s “Humble” or some shit at that Homecoming dance.

H. My good friend Max Fisher worked on this movie for like a fuckin year! So proud of him! Here we are going to see it!

19693708_10155487520249819_5537451184885767513_o-1-copy.jpg

Here is his name in the credits!

I. Mysterio drop those pants!

J. This poster is incredible! I hope part 2 is called “Winter Formal”.

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