“Pet Sematary 2019” or “Sometimes Dead Is Better, When You Are Watching This Movie” my fuckin review

Here is my review for “Pet Sematary“. This is a remake of the original “Pet Sematary” or the book whatever. I was excited about seeing this movie I don’t mind remakes if they are good.

Okay so the Creed family moves into a new house. They are a happy family with 2 kids and a cat named Church. Everything is cool until they see the neighborhood kids wearing advanced paper mache animal masks. I still can’t make a mask this good, but the neighborhood are and crafts are popping off. Eventually the Church gets ran over by a truck and the this old pervert next door helps them bury their cat on this mountain hours away. The mountain is curse or sour but it brings dead shit back to life. The parents say and do stupid shit then, one fo the kids gets hit by a car looking for the cat. Now the dad is sad (sort of) and goes and buries the little girl on the mountain and she comes back to life, but she is talking and having shitty conversations. In the end you realize that everyone in this movie sucks.

Okay listen, yes I do like the original film, but now I think I love it. This film made me realize that the original Pet Sematary movie was great. This new film you will literally hate the entire cast. They are all boring and forgettable and no it’s not scary. If anything it’s dumb and funny. It’s supposed to take place in Maine but that is clearly Canada, with those thick ass woods. No New England accents either. It’s in the original movie and it sells it. You may think who cares. Well it’s a Stephen King movie. His whole schtick is New England shit. So they blew it.

They also flip the script and the little girls is the first dead person to come back, but she is terrible and it feels like everything is she says is forced. Her acting is fake and feels like and acting class. I am not picking a kid either, the original kid that played Gage is only 2 years old and he deserved an Oscar for his part. The new Gage is barely in it and useless. Louis and Rachel are just 2 dummies walking around and you want them to die. Nothing feels natural and I was bored watching it. Even the cat is just a plain old dirty tabby with hair gel. It’s too much and yet not enough. Skip this movie and go watch the original that just got remastered and released on 4K. This new movie forgettable and will be lost in horror movie time.

 

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. I hate Church in this movie. He is just a dirty Tabby.

B. I hate Jason Clarke (Louis) in this movie.

C.I hate Amy Seimetz (Rachel) in this movie.


D. I hate Jeté Laurence (Ellie) in this movie. She needed her ass whipped. The ground and  her attitude were sour.

E. I hate Hugo Lavoie (Gage) in this movie.

F. I hate John Lithgow (Jud) in this movie.

G. I hate Alyssa Brooke Levine (Zelda) in this movie.

H. The music was composed by one fo my favorite composers (Christopher Young) and it was forgettable. I am sad about this. Listen here.

I. It was directed by Kevin Kölsch,(Starry EyesDennis Widmyer (Starry Eyes ). It was forced, boring, and the actors looked lost.

J. The Original Gage (Miko Hughes) should have gotten a lifetime achievement award when he was in this movie at 2 years old!

Denise Crosby played the original Rachel and this speech she gives and this scene are incredible. Both the new Rachel and new Zelda are shit.

Mary Lambert directed the original movie and she really did and amazing job, and it’s more interesting to see a female perspective on Pet Sematary.

J. The Poster is cluttered.

 

 

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