The Best Witch Movies to Watch On Witches Night!

Here are some witch flicks, in no particular order, that you can watch on Witches Night on April 30th! Here is an article about Witches Night. http://www.dirgemag.com/walpurgisnacht/

Listen to this while you read the list.

1. The Blair Witch Project -1999

2. The Witch– 2015

3. The Craft– 1996

4. The Witches of Eastwick– 1987

5. The Lords of Salem– 2012

6. Season of the Witch aka Hungry Wives– 1972

7. Häxan– 1922

8. Black Sunday– 1960

9. The Witches– 1990

10. Blair Witch– 2016

11. Halloween III: Season of the Witch– 1982

12. Hocus Pocus– 1993

13. Suspiria– 1977

14. Paranormal Activity 3– 2011 – it’s about a coven of witches.

15. The Covenant– 2006

Me as witch on Halloween.

“The Void” or “I’ve Seen These 6 Horror Movies Before” my fuckin review

Here is my review for “The Void“. Okay so this movie was getting a lot of horror buzzzzzzzz so were were excited to see it opening night. Scare me bitch, or at least others around me whatever. Okay so this movie starts off and these 2 dudes are chasing this couple, the one guy gets away but the girl gets set on fire. Oddly enough she seems okay with it, because if my ass gets set on fuckin fire I would be rolling around screaming and shit because being burned hurts like a bitch. How do I know? I was just burned on the stove and that was small. So assume this is that times a million. Meanwhile a cop finds the guy that got away and takes him to a local small town hospital that is in the process of closing, but now it’s being surrounded by cult people in white robes/cloaks. Think “Assault on Precinct 13“. In the hospital there are some doctors and a girl who is pregnant (Hahaha you can guess where that is headed). ANYWAYYYYYYYYY….. Someone turns into a demon/squid/Cthulhu/The Thing and attacks. Think “The Thing” and “In the Mouth of Madness“. It’s cute looking I think, because it’s in a strobe light with quick editing. So maybe it looks like shit with the lights on and steady shot. Meanwhile the Cult is outside trying to keep them inside and some people die. Later a doctor wants to open a Triangle gateway to hell to get his daughter back. Which is weird. Like honestly fuck your stupid daughter. If you can open up “THE VOID” and you are some sort of “Lord of Illusions” Centobite or some shit then you want POWER. To hell with your stupid daughter. Or to the void with her whatever. I feel like the doctor even tried to sound like a cross between Nix from Lord of Illusions and Dr. Channard from Hellbound: Hellraiser II, but with cheesy forgettable dialogue. There is even a part where a demon chases a guy down a hallway that is closing like in Hellraiser 2 and it closed when the guy jumps through, trapping the demon in the void (hell) just like with Kirsty Cotton. In the end the hero even grabs the demon and jumps into the void with him and seals it up, just like in John Carpenter’s “Prince of Darkness“, in that movie the girl jumps with the demon into the mirror, trapping herself and Satan in hell. If you are trying to be 6 other movies then you will never be your own film.

Okay so we can’t like your film, because we love all these other movies so much. Everyone gets an homage to your favorite horror movies, but when it’s a constant rip off or throw back or copy of them we can’t get over that shit. We are sitting there playing “What horror movie is this from”. It’s obvious and a let down. The dialogue is generic and flat, and the characters are “so what- who cares”. The score is limp and forgettable too. The only thing this movie had going for it were the special effects. When you could see them. I really went in excited and came out confused and let down. Shit check it out on Netflix one day for sure just so you can see it I guess and make your own judgement. I promise it will be similar to what I said. Unless you don’t know anything about horror movies and have not seen the movies I have listed above. Then shit maybe this will seem fresh as fuck to you. Good luck. I know it’s sounds like I am beating up on this movie but I don’t mean to be. I just had high hopes and my check got VOIDED!

 

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. I felt trapped in their with them and couldn’t get out either.

B. Written and Directed by newbies  Jeremy Gillespie (Father’s Day) and Steven Kostanski (ABCs of Death 2-segment “W is for Wish”). They are new and hopefully will grow and learn. 

C. Pick a horror movie and this movie will seem like it.

D. Triangles are hot right now. See “The Neon Demon

Triangles were on the eye holes on the white robes and it was the gateway the Void also.

The Void Triangle

Here is a pic from Neon Demon’s Trianle.

E. Blitz//Berlin did the score it was weak

F. If you are pregnant and there are demons around. Kill your baby. It ain’t the next Jesus.

G. Mik Byskov played the character with no name aka the son. He was the best character because he had no lines. 

H. The poster is great.

 

“Get Out” or “White People Are Scary As Fuck!” my fuck review

Here is my review for “Get Out“. OH MY FUCKIN GOD! Yessss! Okay so this film starts with a couple named Chris (Daniel Kaluuya) and his girlfriend Rose (Allison Williams) and they are getting ready to go visit her white ass parents. She also has not told her parents that Chris is black. He is worried about this, but Rose does not care. His TSA friend says don’t go with her ass, but he loves her and shit. Anyway they go and her white ass parents are acting open-minded but something is off and they have a groundskeeper and housekeeper that act like robots and stare a lot. Shit keeps getting stranger and more clues that something is not right are keep popping up. The mother starts to plays mind games with Chris and fucks him up and then the shit hits the fan. Georgina the housekeeper is scooting around at top speed and crying. The groundskeeper is running at Chris like a bull. Then the racist shit pop off and it’s time to GET THE FUCK OUT!

Okay this movie is amazing! It’s intense, real, honest, scary, fucked up, and even funny at times. It’s like “The Stepford Wives” and “Rosemary’s Baby” and even a little “Invasion of the Body Snatchers” mixed together but in a current and relevant way. It may a touch a nerve with some, but I feel like good movies (art) always does. You will talk about it afterwards and maybe even for weeks to come. I mean you should be. The cast is great and there is a lot to guess at in this movie and even understand up until the very end. Writer/Director Jordan Peele gave it to you and you will want to see this film twice to get all things you missed the first go round. Daniel Kaluuya was great as Chris and Lakeith Stanfield (Atlanta, and he is about to play L in Death Note) is great also and he will be huge soon. The rest of the cast is great and you really feel dread for the Chris character and what he is going through. It’s for sure a horror film but you will learn a lot from it and what African-Americans go through on a daily basis. What they hear and see and are treated like. Just like a fuckin horror film. The cool thing about this movie and great movies in general is that you really will talk about this one for weeks after you have you watched it. Maybe somebody watching it will learn something too. It really is the first great film of 2017. It’s suspenseful and important. Go see it ASAP. You will be buying this one on blu ray.  

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A.Daniel Kaluuya (SkinsBlack MirrorKick-Ass 2, a new Watershed DownBlack Pantherwas great in this movie and is a new horror hero. You really want him to get out and escape and leave these white bitches behind. 

B. Jordan Peele is the writer and Director and I can’t wait to see more from him as a Director because already know he is funny. I hope they make a sequel too called “Get the Fuck Out!”

C. Georgina gave it to you! She was laughing and crying at the same goddamn time! YESSS! She was played by Betty Gabriel (The Purge: Election Year). She really summed up everything. 

D.Lakeith Stanfield is an interesting actor in this and in “Atlanta” and I can’t wait see him in Death Note also. 

A pic of him as L in Death Note.

E. Erika Alexander has a small part in this!  Who you say? Maxine from Living Single!!!!!!!! I love her!

F. The score was composed by Michael Abels and this is all he has done! I am impressed though. This track is great! It has a sort of The Twilight Zone feel to it.

G. Here is a list of interesting hidden secret things you may have missed in the movie. So many amazing things.

https://www.buzzfeed.com/erinchack/things-you-may-have-missed-in-get-out?utm_term=.le44m5aRq#.ot9jla8B4

Also a lot of memes have popped up and they are great.

H. Allison Williams is great in this because you hate her in this and everything she is in like GirlsPeter Pan Live! etc. She is “that” white girl. If you see her and you are like “OMG she is just like me” in any film or TV show that she is in then kill yourself. 

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I. This poster is nice.

What I did for Halloween 2016!

Here is what I did during Halloween 2016. I keep a log of what I did so that I can look back and see years later. Also to make sure that I did enough to make Samhain happy. Thanks to all who celebrated Halloween with me.

  1. Went to Vanessa’s cabin to collect sticks for Blair Witch Stick figure making party.14289828_10154514713949819_903433730517029274_o
  2. Made Blair Witch Sticks.

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Blair Witch liked my photos.

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4.Met Black Phillp

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5. Went to Nightmares Gate Haunted house.

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6. Made a short film

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7. Went to Phantasm

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8. Got witchy.

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8. Went to Fear the Woods.

img_5930-19. Hosted an Adult Swim party as Vampire Ships Captain.

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10. Went on Assembly Line Yeah.

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A link to watch the show.

http://www.adultswim.com/videos/streams/assembly-line-yeah/tuesday-october-11th-2016

Also they recreated one of my favorite Halloween costumes!

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Watch episode here!

http://www.adultswim.com/videos/streams/assembly-line-yeah/tuesday-october-18th-2016

Bedazzled Jason masks also.

http://www.adultswim.com/videos/streams/assembly-line-yeah/tuesday-october-25th-2016

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11. Went to 13 Stories Haunted House.

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12. Bought 1,000 dollars worth of Halloween candy for Little 5 Points Parade.

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13. Was in the Little 5 Points Halloween Parade with Adult Swim.

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Here is a video of the event.

14. Went to Fright Fest at Six Flags

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15. Went to see THE THING with this crew!

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16. Went to Sam and Mattie Spring Break Zombie Massacre premiere.

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17. Went to the Midnight Showing of Rocky Horror Picture Show.

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18. Keith’s Halloween Party. Dressed up as The Fisherman from I Know What You Did Last Summer.

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Here is a video from that night!

19. Carved Halloween pumpkins

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Dressed up as Black Phillip from the movie THE WITCH while I carved. 14714858_10154645978594819_976181884637385984_o

20. DJ’d Halloween songs on Clocks on Adult Swim and painted this.

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21. Went Mary’s Halloweenie party!

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Here is a video from that night!

22. Went to New Orleans.

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23. Stayed in a haunted hotel in New Orleans on Halloween.

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24. Went to House of Shock haunted house.

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Here is a look at the opening of HOUSE OF SHOCK for 2016. It was political and it was disappointing. Halloween and politics don’t mix. Halloween is eternal. Politics is fleeting and forgettable. The house itself was great though as always.

25. Decorated the front door like Ghostbusters.

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26. Silas made me this Halloween painting!

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27. My good friend Skinner made this for me for a Halloween surprise. It’s a message he left on my phone that he turned into a short film.

28. Explained Halloween and the Satanic Temple on Stupid Morning Bullshit.

Halloween

https://www.facebook.com/plugins/video.php?href=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.facebook.com%2Fstupidmorningbullshit%2Fvideos%2F1685442738436090%2F&show_text=0&width=560

Satanic Temple

https://www.facebook.com/plugins/video.php?href=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.facebook.com%2Fstupidmorningbullshit%2Fvideos%2F1682231828757181%2F&show_text=0&width=560

29. My Halloween costume for 2016. Xanadoug from the planet Zatarain!

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Rob Zombie’s “31” or “Battle Royale And Hunger Games On Halloween But A Let Down” my fuckin review

Here is my review for “31“. Okay so I have liked all of Rob Zombie‘s movies “House of 1000 Corpses“, “The Devil’s Rejects” even “Halloween” 2007, “Halloween II” 2009,  and “The Lords of Salem” so I was excited to see this movie.

It starts off in the 70’s with some carnival workers driving across country on Halloween. They pull over to move some shit off the road and get kidnapped by some crazy people and taken to a warehouse in the middle of nowhere. There they are forced to play a game call “31” that is ran by Malcolm McDowell. Basically Battle Royale/Hunger Games/Running Man but on Halloween. The Halloween part is kinda of left behind at this point though. Sheri Moon is fighting for her life with a few others try to stay alive from a bunch of bad guys who seemed really forced and trying hard to be evil. I love over-the-top characters too and these characters were really just silly to me and their lines had me rolling my eyes. Rob Zombie’s other movies did not make me roll my eyes either in case you are wondering. In the end who will survive 31 and who cares if anyone does including me. Kill me too.

Okay I was really disappointed in this movie because like I said I like Rob’s other movies that he has made. So it sucks to say that shit. We have seen this film in 10 other movies that have been made since the 90’s. The difference is, is that it is on Halloween. Well “Halloween” is barely in it. So fuck that. Everything just seemed 1o years to late and so forced and cheesy. The dialogue was just sad and not witty and smart like his other films or any film for that matter. When characters in his other films said some cold and evil shit, you felt empty hearing it. This you felt nothing but “Seriously”. I just feel sad writing this review really. Even stylistically it’s a mess, the slow motion and freeze frames seem so out-of-place in this movie. I was honestly bored through most of it. I mean “The Devil’s Rejects” is an amazing film. Everything about it blows my mind. This film just looks like a rushed mess. I would wait for Netflix and watch it and then go watch one of his other films right after it so you will still like him as a Director. Sorry Rob I still love you, but this jam was weak.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Malcolm McDowell is back, but I didn’t like him in this movie. 

Now.

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Back then.

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B. Cute but not cute enough.

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C.  I love Sheri Moon Zombie but in this movie she looked like she was not having fun. 

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D. I wish there was more Halloween in a movie called 31 about Halloween.

E. He got on my nerves.

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F. Meg Foster and Jeff Daniel Phillips could have been cooler, but just look bored. 

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G. It makes me sad that I was disappointed in this. I have loved all his movies but this one was just a mess and a let down. Rob I still love you and art is hard to make.

H. This poster looks fun at least.

31poster_0

 

“Blair Witch” or “The Witch Is Back And She Is Pissed, Naked, And Horny” – my fuckin review

Here is my review for the “Blair Witch” or what was called “The Woods” cuz they tried to trick us! YES!!!!!!! This is the sequel to “The Blair Witch Project” (1999) which I loved. It was simple and effective and scary. Now we are watching the sequel directed by Adam Wingard (The GuestYou’re NextV/H/S -segment “Tape 56”, V/H/S/2 -segment “Phase I Clinical Trials”, Death Noteand written by Simon Barrett (Same stuff as Adam). 

Okay so it’s been 17 years since the last Blair Witch tapes were found and a new tape was found with a short clip on it. It shows the reflection of someone running through that old creepy ass witch house from part 1. It looks like Heather from the first film also. Heather’s brother James sees that shit online and gets his crew together to go back to those woods to go look for his sister Heather. Maybe she been hiding for 17 years or taking a nap or some shit. So now with 2016 tech like cell phones, GPS, Drones, and attitude they all go back to the Blair Witch woods to look for his long-lost sister. On the way there they pick up the couple who found the new tapes so they can show them where they found the tapes. Now they are out in the thick of the woods and they start hearing shit that sounds like a T-Rex stomping around. Maybe it’s a giant ass witch! More shit starts popping off and tents start flying. In the end the Blair Witch shows up and everyone is running and screaming and they end up in a witch hole.

Okay so this movie was a lot of fun, scary, and the last 15 minutes were pretty tense when she was in that witch hole. I’m claustrophobic as fuck. If you loved the first Blair Witch movie you will enjoy watching the continuation of the story. The characters are memorable and likable, even though you miss Heather from the first movie. In some ways it feels like a remake, but it’s still cool enough to be a sequel. There are some interesting new scary things in the film and a few small twists here and there. You will want to go to the woods and get fucked by a witch. I mean they didn’t reinvent the fuckin first movie but they had fun with it. I love the concept of the Blair Witch so it was cool to see them in those woods again and her fuck with them. The first movie is obviously better and scarier because you didn’t know anything that was going on in that one. This one is strictly for fun and scares. There is some weird ass time travel stuff in this one but honestly I am okay with that and it not being explained well. I like they hint at shit with it and not tell you everything. The witch definitely popped off more in this one. She was stronger and more pissed off for sure, but I’m cool with that. Let’s party.

My only real problem was how it was filmed. Found footage has changed. People don’t film like it’s 1999 anymore. People know how to hold a camera steady. Literally everyone on Earth has camera on them now and they know how to use that shit. So unless you are running and screaming while you are filming shit or you are doing a cart-wheel bitch then hold the camera steady. We know it’s found footage bitch! Stop selling it. I also loved that kept that it was a Blair Witch movie a secret for so long. We all thought it was a movie called “The Woods” forever. That was fun.

If you want to see some nostalgic horror fun in the woods this is the cut for you. I had a good time watching it and reliving the Blair Witch scares! Is it the best horror movie of the year? No, but it’s a spooky good time and it will make you want to go camping and die. If you were 16 when the first Blair Witch movie came out and it scared you because you were younger and now it’s 17 years later and you are bitter and jaded and hate horror movies now because nothing is scary anymore because you old and busted then this is not for you. Look in the mirror and the real horror movie will begin bitch.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. She looked scared as fuck at the end of the movie. She looked totally fucked up.

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B. Adam and Simon do a good job with make things scary and cohesive. They didn’t make anything original but looked like they had fun making it. My biggest complaint is that it was filmed like it was 1999 or 1989. Meaning people don’t film like they used to.  Found footage is different now. People literally film shit every day in 2000’s. It’s 2016 people have a camera on them daily now. They know how to keep shit steady. I get it when they are running around and shit but when they are just standing there, the camera is all over the place like they just picked up a fuckin camera for the first time and can’t work it. NO. It’s 2016 we can all film shit now. We know how to get that shot bitch! Look at everyone’s fuckin shitty ass instagrams. Everyone is literally a filmmaker now. Your mom probably has film at this point. So don’t give me this shaky camera shit like it’s 1989 or some shit. The “Paranormal Activity” films are found footage and their characters know how to film shit cuz it’s the 2000’s. So cut the shit. Also in between scenes there are these loud scratchy ass glitches so that we would know that we were watching found footage. We get it bitch we know! Cut that shit out. If someone found this footage and edited it for us to see they would have edited that shit out right? You are just irritating your audience honestly. Stop bitch!

C. The music was by Adam Wingardit was just background noises and shit but that’s what it needs to be. So good job bitch. Here is a sample. Honestly get it for your yard to play during Halloween or for when you have sex or whatever. 

D. She gave it to you here. Hahahaha Look At her fuckin face!

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E. Heather’s brother James should have stayed home and said fuck her.

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F. I miss Heather and her shitty 90’s hat from part 1.

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G. We made Blair Witch sticks to get in the spirit of things.

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Then the Blair Witch liked that shit!

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H. There were some giant Blair sticks in this one.

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I. At one point they gave you that “Raiders of the Lost Ark” shit. Don’t look at the shit or it will kill you. Aka Medusa. Keep your eyes closed to horror. Shitttttt!

J. UPDATE the director and writer says that you DO NOT SEE THE BLAIR WITCH IN THIS MOVIE.

K. I LOVE THE POSTERS! Here is the The Woods poster, then when they released it as The Blair Witch.

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