“It” or “Would You Bang Pennywise?”- my fuckin review

Here is my review for “It“. Okay yes we all love the 1990 TV version of “It” and Tim Curry and Jonathan Brandis too. That movie is gold, but it’s not perfect let’s be real shit. So this movie is a part one and just involves the kids. It’s 1989 and the kids are riding around listening to New Kids on the Block and going to see Batman and shit. Until Pennywise shows up and fucks Georgie up. Now the kids are dealing with this antique clown, bullies and puberty. Life is fucked up in Derry! In the end there is no running from this pervy ass clown and they have to go fuck him up, but they make a promise that if he ever shows up they will come back and face his ass again. Which will be part 2. 

Okay this movie is a lot of fun. The kids are fucking great and lovable and likable. They are honest and curse constantly. That’s real life. Their dialogue is too real. The bullies are scary as fuck. If they were real you would think they were going to kill your ass! That’s amazing. Bill Skarsgard is way different from Tim Curry which is fine and he plays him creepier and even more perverted. He did a good job. I even liked his voice. He goddamn google eyes were nuts. People thought it was long but I honestly thought the length was fine. I was ready to see more. The only thing I was not keen on was the score. It was boring and generic. It just wasn’t memorable at all. It could have been really fun and it just wasn’t. I am excited for the sequel now. Oh was it scary? Yes, I mean for normal people. You will jump a few a times. I mean I thought the clown was hot.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Bill Skarsgård (Castle RockAtomic BlondeHemlock Grove) did a good job in the movie. Those eyes and smile were fucked. 

You can see Bill’s dick and him getting a BJ in the movie Behind Blue Skies. Here is the link.

http://www.fleshbot.com/5837881/a-rather-graphic-blowjob-for-a-mainstream-movie

The real IT.  Haha 
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B. New Pennywise

Old Pennywise

C. It was directed by Andy Muschietti (Mama). He did a good job and I am excited about seeing part 2 with the adults version come into play. 

D. The bullies were mean as hell and didn’t give a fuck! If you are going to be a bully be a mean one.

E. My favorite shot in the whole movie. Pert Plus it. 

There is even a POP figure of it.

F. The score was composed by Benjamin Wallfisch (Annabelle: CreationA Cure for Wellness) , and it was boring and generic. Here is a sample.

G. Here is a fun instagram we made to promote the movie the day it came out.

H. The kids were great!

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Even the old “IT” kids were great. Shit Seth Green and Jonathan Brandis were in that group!

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I. Poster real cute.

“Atomic Blonde” or “Charlize Just Beat My Ass” my fuckin review

Here is my review for “Atomic Blonde“.  Charlize Theron is a spy in 1989 and in Germany! Ummmmmmmmmmm I am fucking sold! That’s right She is spy in the late 80’s when the wall is coming down and she is trying to figure out this or that. I honestly have no idea but I love James Bond/Spy films, but half the time I have no idea what is going on. There is a lot of double agent shit going on and Charlize is literally beating the shit out of everyone. She is also getting her ass beat too. The fight scenes are long and realistic. Charlize comes out bruised and fucked up. She eventually meets another hot spy played by Sofia Boutella and they have sex. Ya know Lesbian Gay sex! This movie is giving it to you! Then they meet another hot spy played by Bill Skarsgård and join forces with him. There are so many hot spies in this movie I don’t know what to do but cry. Then everyone gets their asses beat again. I’m dizzy. Then they play a german version of the 80’s song “Major Tom” and I die. 

Okay this movie is cool, fun, hot sex, and action pack. It’s something to see. It’s a great spy movie that you will love to watch. It’s style on style. The music is loud and proud. That’s great! Charlize is amazing in all that she does. She is the spy we wanted and needed. Sofia is too cool for any goddamn school. Bill Skarsgard is too hot for film. Honestly make a sequel with all of them. It really is fun spy movie to watch. You will dig it too. Check it out ASAP!

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Charlize Theron is the best! At what? Everything. She can fight and act and looks good doing it. She is the real deal on all levels.

B. David Leitch  directed this movie and these movies Dead pool 2John Wick (uncredited). What’s interesting is his list on IMDB for “stunts” (Buffy the Vampire SlayerBladeV for Vendetta300The Midnight Meat TrainTRON: LegacyJupiter Ascending)

C. Bill Skarsgård is in this and he is cool in shit and looks cool in shit. He also plays Pennywise in the new “It” movie. 

You can see Bill’s dick and him getting a BJ in the movie Behind Blue Skies.

http://www.fleshbot.com/5837881/a-rather-graphic-blowjob-for-a-mainstream-movie

D. She will beat the fuck out of you.

E. The german version of “Major Tom”.

F. Sofia Boutella is one cool lady. She is star.

G. Tyler Bates composed the score (Dawn of the Dead 2004, The Devil’s RejectsSlither, Rob Zombie’s HalloweenDoomsdayHalloween IIGuardians of the GalaxySamurai Jack). He is stuff is usually moody, dark, generic, and atmospheric. Which is not really a good thing. This is more electronic which pretty good. Sometimes his work sounds like it’s coming from 2 different composers. This is the good composer. 

H. This poster is amazing!

 

“Dunkirk” or “Get Off That Beach or Bust” my fuckin review

Here is my review for “Dunkirk“. Okay this is a Chris Nolan movie so except this shit to be real as fuck! It is real as fuck. So the film starts off with some soldiers walking down the street quietly for a second then they starting getting shot at. That’s about the only time you are not stressed out during the whole fucking movie. It’s World War II and British soldiers and French Soldiers are surrounded by the German army in Dunkirk. They are trying to be evacuated but Germany has them pinned down on the beach. It’s a stressful nightmare. The main character Tommy tries every way he knows to get off that fucking beach but can’t seem to get out of there. Boats are blown up, planes are being shot out of the sky and even Harry Styles from One Direction can’t even help his ass. It really is fucked up. In the end you realize war is hell etc.

Okay this movie is great and feels real as fuckkkkk! Everything looks real and sounds real. You believe it all. Nothing looks like an over-the-top action movie like “Avengers” or whatever. You feel like you are there and trapped and are going to die. Even the dialogue is simple, short and to the point. There aren’t a lot of dramatic diatribes about love or war or getting home or whatever. In real life people are scared and aren’t chatting up a storm about boos they left behind. They are quiet and trying to survive and just get the fuck out. At one point Tommy is just trying to go to the bathroom! That’s as real as it’s every going to get. Honestly I’m not into war movies but this just feels like a slice of reality from a war. What a group of people went through to stay alive. So much. I bitched about washing a load of clothes last night. At least I didn’t have to fight my way to the washing machine. Meanwhile this film really does a great job letting you feel what the characters felt, by the end you are exhausted. It never felt forced or cheesy. The score by Hans Zimmer is great and really is half the films power. It’s something to see so go see it. You will dig it and might cry or throw up or want to go to a beach for a tan. Who knows?

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Christopher Nolan you give us some real shit. Batman Begins, The Prestige, The Dark Knight, Inception, The Dark Knight Rises, Memento, Interstellar, 

B. Fionn Whitehead was great and I hope his shit takes off. Can’t wait to see him in more.

C. War is terrible. I feel bad because I was bitching about being too tired to wash clothes that day.

D. Harry Styles you are great singer and you are good on-screen too. We love you bitch!

E. Hans Zimmer composed this score and it was amazing. Listen to this track and shit your pants.

F. Tom Hardy we love you. You give it to us!

G. You will be stressed out watching this movie.

H. Yes.

 

“War for the Planet of the Apes” or “These Monkeys Will Make You Cry” my fuckin review

Here is my review for “War for the Planet of the Apes“. Okay so this is part 3 of this set of monkey tales. Rise of the Planet of the Apes and Dawn of the Planet of the Apes were first.  The movie starts off a few years after the last film and Caesar is in the middle of a war with the humans. The human Woody Harrelson is in charge of the military and he hates all the monkeys and is out to kill Caesar. Caesar and his friends are trying to live in the woods in peace and have babies. Shit hits the fan and Caesar, Maurice, Rocket and a Gorilla all go on a road trip to find Woody to kill his ass. Along the way they meet some news friends and learn there is a monkey prison. Shit is nuts. In the end they are in a fight for their lives to survive and find happiness from the humans on a monkey hill.

Okay so this film is amazing, epic, sad, dark, depressing, and real as fuck. I loved it. It’s a war movie, a Western, a journey film, a Prison Break, a Drama, and an Sci-Fi Action film all rolled up into one. Andy Serkis as Caesar is insane. He is so good in that CGI ape suit it will make you fuckin dizzy. Honestly give him all the awards. Those CGI apes give you more emotion than Sandra Bullock’s entire career. You are crying all through this fucking movie. It doesn’t “Look” real. It is real now! It really is all about the apes this time and their struggle to find happiness. You really want it for them too. Humans are assholes. Even the sympathetic ones suck. Which I loved. They really try to show you that humanity is ugly as hell and that they deserved what they got in the end. Great Science Fiction always does. There were even cool moments were Woody didn’t even explain shit to Caesar because in real life he wouldn’t because he views him as just an animal. Why would he. Maurice had my ass crying! They got me bitch! The score by Giacchino is the best in this new series of ape films. He really is a great composer. These 3 films combined are amazing and I have loved all these characters in them and this last movie was amazing and depressing as fuck. It really felt like “Watership Down” at the end. Which is one of my favorite movies ever made. You will love this movie and you will cry watching that fucker. Go see this movie now. I want to see it again.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Andy Serkis plays Caesar and is incredible and need an Oscar now!

B. Directed by Matt Reeves (FelicityMiraclesCloverfieldLet Me InDawn of the Planet of the ApesWar for the Planet of the ApesThe Batman (pre-production)) His shit is great. 

C. Woody Harrelson did a good job in this film even though I am not a big fan.

D. Maurice was played by Karin Konoval and he is my favorite character. The movement and the animation is incredible. My mind is blown.

E. Bad Ape was great and funny and you will love him.

F. Nova is in this movie!!!!!!! She grows up to be NOVA!

G. Michael Giacchino you are brilliant! Here is a selection. Listen!

H. Me and Max at the movie crying.

I. The poster is amazing.

 

 

“Spider-Man: Homecoming” or “Spider-Teen: Tony Just Doesn’t Understand” my fuckin review

Here is my review for “Spider-Man: Homecoming“. Spider-Man is back, for the… lets see Spider-Man 2002, Spider-Man 2 2004, Spider-Man 3 2007, The Amazing Spider-Man 2012,  The Amazing Spider-Man 2 2014 and Captain America: Civil War 2016! OMFG! So much Spider-Man! Okay so this Spider-Man was introduced in the Captain America movie and there is no shitty origin story. So we don’t have to sit through all the bullshit of where Spider-Man comes from again. YAY! FUCK THAT! 

Okay so this time Spider-Man is 15 year old and Tobey Maguire was like 27 or some shit. He is in High School living with his hot Aunt May and dealing with being Spider-Man. He got a new suit from Tony Stark, aka Iron Man, that does a lot of stuff and Tony is like his know it all bitchy dad. Ya know, shut up Spider-Kid you don’t know shit and clean your room etc. Spider-Man is just trying to help people and get laid and build stuff out of Legos with his chunky friend. Later Michael Keaton shows up trying to steal stuff as The Vulture and Spider-Man ain’t having it. Keaton tries to teach him some lessons but Spidey doesn’t need another daddy talking down to him. So he is like fuck you Bird Man. Then they decide to go to the Homecoming dance and listen to classical music (80’s music). There Spider-Man is nervous about The Vulture, people finding out about his secret, girls, and getting a boner in that skin-tight suit. Being a teen superhero is fucked up! In the end who the fuck is Mary Jane and where is Mysterio!

Okay this movie is funnnnn! Spider-Man makes sense as a teenager in High School and it’s great to see him interact with other Marvel characters. Don’t get me wrong I liked the Tobey Maguire Spider-Man movies too and they were cool (the Andrew Garfield ones were terrible), but this Spider-Man makes more sense to me. He is young and goofy and trying to figure shit out and not good at being a hero and we don’t have to sit through a boring origin story. So we are in it to win it, quick. You love all the High School stuff in the background too. All the other kids and weird side teen characters shit. It was like Degrassi up in there bitch! More of that please. Yeah the action is fun and you will love that too, but it’s Tom as Peter Parker and Micheal Keaton as The Vulture that make this movie real, interesting and cool. You will be excited to see “Spider-Man 2: Winter Formal” in 2 years. His best friend did get on my nerves though. Sorry he wouldn’t shut up. Please shut the fuck up. I really would love to see Mysterio’s ass in one of these. So if you love Spider-Man you will love this movie. It was a lot of fun and I can’t wait to see him in Avengers 3 or whatever it’s called. Shake that ass bitch!

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Tom Holland was great as Peter Parker and Spider-Man. He has fun with it and you feel his excitement for it. You would for sure be his friend.

Here is what you really want. Don’t worry he is actually 21 pervs.

B. It was directed by Jon Watts (Cop CarThe Onion News Network). 

C. Michael Keaton has given us so much! Mr. Mom Beetlejuice Batman Jackie Brown Jack Frost Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance). He was great as the Vulture. 

D. Michael Giacchino is amazing as always and this is probably the best Marvel score. Marvel scores are known for being generic trash. This one is one of the best I have heard. It sticks out but he is a great composer so ya know.

E. Marisa Tomei was great as Aunt May and I want more of her. I want to see her out at clubs dancing to Tag Team’s Whoomp! (There it is).

Here is the old Aunt May. Still hot.

Here is the new Aunt May. But honestly when you are 15 years old your Aunt was not 80 years old. She was like 30 or 40.

F. Zendaya was cool and mean in this movie as Peter’s friend or whatever. She was giving people the finger, so I was into her. 

G. They should have played this song at the end cuz Tony and Aunt May just don’t understand what Spidey is going through.

They played this jam though. I wonder if 15 year olds know who The Ramones are?

Technically they should have played Katy Perry’s “Swish Swish” or Kendrick Lamar’s “Humble” or some shit at that Homecoming dance.

H. My good friend Max Fisher worked on this movie for like a fuckin year! So proud of him! Here we are going to see it!

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Here is his name in the credits!

I. Mysterio drop those pants!

J. This poster is incredible! I hope part 2 is called “Winter Formal”.