“Once Upon a Time … in Hollywood” or “Your Dirty Feet Stink” – my fuckin review

WARNING! If you are a white guy do not read this! I know that you all love Quentin Tarantino and will defend him like he is your goddamn mother! So, no need to read this review will make you angry etc.

Okay you were warned!

Here is my review for “Once Upon a Time … in Hollywood“. Quentin is back with his 9th film. He says it’s over at 10 because directors lose their edge or touch etc. Like all his films I was excited to see this one, Manson family stuff, Leo, 60’s dancing. What could go wrong?

The films starts off with Leo as an aging actor who is not getting the good roles anywhere. He hangs out with his stunt double Brad Pitt, who is also his driver and maid.  Cut to feet. Then Sharon Tate shows up and walks around. Then cut to her dirty feet. Now Bruce Lee shows up picking fights with Brad Pitt. Cut to feet. Then the Manson Family shows up and acts kind of crazy. Later Leo shoots a few scenes on a cowboy show that looks like a bad show. Now we are back to Sharon Tate playing some records. Then cut to yellow looking feet. Um gross. In the end it’s a happy ending for Sharon Tate, but not the 2 two other girls that got mutilated/destroyed.

Well…. Hmm…. The whole movie I kept fighting to like. I kept thinking, well that scene was cool, then I was bored. Then I was like wait where is this movie going, is it really just about Leo not getting good parts and some salt-n-pepper Manson Family stuff and non-stop shots of feet. Yep! They would show Mama Cass and you would get excited, then it would cut away from that scene. They would show Bruce lee and you would get excited, but he was barely in it. They would show Luke Perry, but he had like 2 lines. Every time I thought “Yesss”, it was a “nooo”. He is re-imagining history so why not have all these characters doing cooler things. Like Bruce Lee beating up Charles Manson or something. Instead most people are left confused, after Brad Pitt and Leo destroy 2 girls and guy that were a part of the Manson Family. Yes, I understand that those 3 people killed Sharon Tate and destroyed her in real life, but in the context of your movie we do not even know who they really are. I mean if you are in the audience and you are like 65 years old, then maybe you were like 15 when it happened. So maybe you know or remember the whole scoop. Your audience doesn’t know who these people are. They only know who Charles Manson is and his ass wasn’t there. If you don’t believe me ask someone around you. Who is Charles Manson and what did he do? The answer will be half ass I am sure.  So, Brad Pitt, who kills his wife for being a nag, also obliterated 2 more women. Then we are supposed to cheer for him. It felt weird, and I love horror movies and violence. WTF! Let’s face it, most people do not know history sooooo. Also in Inglourious Basterds they kill Hitler, which is great because the entire audience knows who Hitler is and what he has done, so it works. Let him die horribly, etc. I was with someone and they asked if Tex and Lulu were real. I said yes.

Listen I love Leo and it wasn’t that he was bad in this movie, it’s that he was kind of boring. I love Margot Robbie but she is wasted in this film. I am not a fan of Brad Pitt but he is okay in this movie too. The side characters are wasted though for sure. The movie is just boring, and the dialogue is not strong like his other films. Notice I didn’t say it was “long”. A movie can be 15 minutes long and still be boring as hell. Length is irrelevant to me.

It’s like you are teacher, and then your “A” student just turned in a “C” paper. Honestly I have enjoyed all his movies even “The Hateful Eight” (when people didn’t like it), and I really wanted to like this new film, but I couldn’t and I really feel disappointed about it. Once my favorite Director John Carpenter directed “Ghosts of Mars“, I kept telling people it was good, and it took me months to realize it wasn’t. Why? Because I didn’t want my favorite director to do something bad, but he did. Like I said I like Quentin’s movies but this one felt weak, flat and forgettable to me. Unless you love feet, then you will love it, they are all in this movie. I could ramble for days but in the end, it felt like Quentin Tarantino was told to make a Quentin Tarantino film. Like if you were told to make it, it would look this way.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Quentin Tarantino directed this it’s his 9th film. One more to go etc. Listen I have enjoyed all his movies that he has made and I felt this one was boring and like a bunch of puzzle pieces that didn’t fit together. The more I thought about it the more disappointed I became, because I do love all his movies, but not this one. It just wasn’t for me I guess. I know people are loyalists to their favorite directors and do not see the flaws or whatever.

I have learned never to argue with white guys who love Tarantino. They will stab you if you say you don’t love him.

B. Leonardo DiCaprio I love you and alway have. You were good in this movie, but I felt empty in the end. This picture even looks like this would be a fun scene. It wasn’t.

C. Brad Pitt I have always been indifferent about Brad over the years, he is fine in this movie I guess.

D. Mike Moh (Empire) did a good job playing Bruce Lee, but by the end of his scene you felt weird about it. They made him out to be this super hot headed jerk. Maybe he was a jerk, I didn’t know him. It just felt weird. Like if I am fan of someone I would not have put him in this light.

An article with Bruce Lee’s daughter talking about the films portray of Bruce.

https://news.avclub.com/shannon-lee-says-once-upon-a-time-in-hollywood-made-1836830395

 

E. Here is what Margot Robbie did the whole movie. Just stood places looking pretty etc. Literally her whole part in this film. It’s not even about being sexist. It’s about being boring. When you bore your audience you have failed as a filmmaker or anything really.

F. The soundtrack was full of 60’s songs. A lot of his movies do a great job connecting songs with scenes, that you will think of when you hear the song later. This movie didn’t real feel like that. Ya know, like you know the songs from Kill Bill and what scene they are in. No music in this film felt married to the scene.

G. This is the movie I wanted to see. 2 pics from a party scene in the movie. It was not the film I got.

H. There were non-stop commercials playing on the radio throughout the film. I hated that.

I. I wonder how the future will view/like his movies. Like in 50 years, when he is dead. I still think Kill Bill and Death Proof can be liked in the future.

J. Cute.

 

“Spider-Man: Far from Home” or “That Peter Tingle”- my fuck review

Here is my review for “Spider-Man: Far from Home“. Spider-man is back, and he is alive from Avengers. Now he is trying to have a normal life after fighting aliens and shit. He just wants to go on school trip and make out with MJ. The trip goes shits up when Mysterio shows up with bad news in the multiverse. So, he and his friends with Nick Fury have to spot the big bad guy, all the while Spider-man is trying to a date with MJ. In the end we learn that we still love Tom Holland as Spider-man and that he has a great ass in that costume.

Okay we love Tom Holland, we love Tom Holland as Spider-Man. He seems fun and genuine in that costume. He is likable and you want to be friends with him. He really does make you like these movies his in. They do a great job making you feel he is in High school and it’s fun and funny too. Jake Gyllenhaal is great as Mysterio and all the surprises that come with him. I love that he is just some guy is acting. I hope he comes back in the next film. Zendaya  is cool, maybe even to cool for this movie. I love her in anything she pops up in now. I wished it wouldn’t have harped on Iron Man’s death so much. I mean we get it, it’s sad, he is dead. I am ready to move on. It’s a fun movie that you will enjoy watching and should check it out. I mean it connects to all those other Marvel movies, so I guess you have too.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Tom Holland really is charismatic and likable. He sells the role and you buy it! We love watching him and his ass in this role.

B. Zendaya is great. You wish you knew her daily.

D. The score was composed by Michael Giacchino (Coco, Star Trek Beyond,Super 8, Lost (TV Series)). He is an amazing composer and this score was pretty good.

E. Directed by Jon Watts (Spider-Man: Homecoming, The Onion News Network) and he is done a fun job with the movies.

F. Jake Gyllenhaal we have loved you since Donnie Darko. He is a lot of fun in this movie.

G. I want them to make this movie. Multiverse Spider-Man with all three Spider Men.

H. Cute but cluttered. That’s Marvels goal though I think.

“Midsommar” or “Relationships Are Scary!”- my fuckin review

Here is my review for “Midsommar“. Ari is back! He made my favorite movie of 2018 “Hereditary“. Here is my review of that movie https://eddieraysmoviereviews.wordpress.com/2018/06/12/hereditary-or-true-horror-is-family-my-fuckin-review/

Okay so just like Hereditary this movie starts off with more grief and sadness. Dani is a lady who is sad about her family shit, and her boyfriend Christian is over it. Will Poulter shows up and wants Christian to dump her before they go on a trip to Sweden with friends. Then Dani gets invited and they all head over to Sweden for this midsummar festival. Shit gets crazier and crazier when they all end of up in this fucked Pagan nightmare.

Listen this is not Hereditary, but did you want it to be? I didn’t. Give me something different and Ari did. He is definitely doing what he wants to in his movies. I do love that he uses grief or death themes to begin his stories. It’s interesting and this film gives it to you. You feel like it’s happening to you. It looks, sounds and feels real. I also love that in the end it’s a happy ending for the “Bad Guys” (just like in Hereditary), I say Bad Guys, but they really aren’t. From their perspective they are just living their lives and are happy, now granted they do and like fucked up shit. The truth of it is still there. This movie is really about American Interlopers/tress-passers. American ignorance and privilege etc. They come into a place thinking they are at the center of everything and that a people beliefs and ideals are silly. They realize they fucked up soon enough. Think The Texas Chain Saw Massacre at Coachella. Trespassers come into (home invasion) Leartherface’s crib and he is like WTF and the Trespassers don’t understand they eat people or whatever. This movie is a similar design and I love that.

Florence Pugh does a great job as Dani, because you dislike her at first then understand her later. She sells it hard. Jack Reynor is giving you dongs out for the summertime. There is a sex scene that is amazing and fucked up. You will laugh and be horrified. I have really grown to like Will Poulter in films, he is an interesting actor for sure. You really will have fun watching this movie. Yes, it’s funny at times too. Then shit gets gory and fucked up. It’s a bright horror movie. The sun is in your face and is like it’s own character in this movie! Is it super scary? No. Is it crazy and fucked up? Yes. I can’t wait to see his 3rd film. Go check it out it for sure.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Directed by Ari Aster (Hereditary) he is has done 2 films that I have loved and I am excited to see the next one.

Here is a short he made in 2011.

 

B. How I feel on Mondays.

C. Composed by The Haxan Cloak (The Enemy Within) and it’s interesting for sure. It’s a nice score, it feels hopeful but at the same time dreadful. I liked it.

D. Florence Pugh (Little Women) played Dani, and you loved, hated and then loved her again. She feels like a real character and somebody you know.

E. Will Poulter (Black Mirror: Bandersnatch The Maze Runner) was great in this. I have grown to love him in movies and he sells it.

F. Jack Reynor was great as the jerk friend/ boyfriend. His dong is out too. It’s the year of the dong. Here is an article with him talking about it. https://www.cinemablend.com/news/2476070/jack-reynor-advocated-for-midsommars-full-frontal-nude-scene

G. I love that in both his films they end with an uplifting happy song. It’s a happy ending for the “bad guys”.

H. This poster is great

 

 

“Godzilla: King of the Monsters” or “Humans Suck in Monster Movies” – my fuckin review

Here is my review for “Godzilla: King of the Monsters“. I was super excited to see this movie. I love Godzilla and I love the Director Michael Dougherty.

Okay so the film begins with Millie Bobby Brown and her family. The world is shit and there are monsters asleep everywhere. Millie’s mom, Vera Farmiga, wakes all the monsters up with some new Monster Alarm Clock. Now Rodan and Mothra and King Gidorah are up and horny. So, Godzilla is back to stop them. Meanwhile all these humans are flying around in some kind of future plane. All the monsters fight, and you realize okay maybe you do need interesting characters even in a monster movie.

Okay so let me first say that the monsters look amazing, their fight scenes are incredible. Your mouth will be hanging fuckin open and Rodan is my hero and I love him. The score is pretty great too. Everything is loud and powerful, and you will be like holy shit. Now for the humans. They are honestly dumb and boring. I love the actors that were chosen too, but they were lifeless in their parts. The humans in the film are basically following the monsters around while also looking for Millie. Listen who gives a shit about this little girl in the movie. Who fuckin cares. I thought I could get over the dumb characters because the monsters are big and cool, but you can’t. You feel let down by the time the movie ends. It’s like you love half the movie and hate the other half. I don’t care about some dumb family when the world is ending. Fuck them.  Maybe I just hated the writing for these characters. It’s crazy how they really got half this movie so right and the other half so weird and forced. If you love Godzilla movies you will love seeing these giant critters banging, but you will not be able to relate to one person in this movie. See it on the big screen for the monsters, because on a small TV it will suck all the way.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Michael Dougherty  (Trick ‘r Treat, Krampus) I love you but I wish the characters were cooler or more real.

B. Kyle Chandler (Super 8, Catch-22 ) got on my nerves the whole movie. Sadly he will be back as this character in Godzilla vs. Kong

C. Vera Farmiga is really great in anything but here character is weird in this film.

D. Millie Bobby Brown  is boring and forgettable in this movie. Standing around staring is not acting or likable at all.

E. Honestly this is image pretty amazing.

F. Bear McCreary  (The Walking Dead, Happy Death Day , 10 Cloverfield Lane ) is a fun composer and I liked this score. Check it out.

G. I guess these are the Mothra twins but they don’t sing in this movie. It was huge missed opportunity.

G. These poster are amazing!

“Ma” or “The Party of the year” – my fuckin review

Here is my review for “Ma“. Listen maybe you are on the fence about this? or maybe you want to have a good time and see MA!

Okay the movie starts off with a mother and daughter moving to a new town. There the daughter meets the local teens and they all start hanging. One day they want to get lit as fuck but aren’t old enough to buy booze, so they see MA (Octavia Spencer) and ask her if she will buy the booze for them. She does but gets them to come over to her basement to party. It’s a good time and they all become friends until MA gets possessive and controlling and doesn’t want to drink alone. The shit gets crazy and people die! In the end you realize you have never partied until you partied with MA.

WOW! Okay I loved this movie and it really was crazy as fuck. Octavia Spencer is giving it to you in this. She is living her best goddamn life. Dancing, partying and killing. It is one of the most fun movies of the year. You will want to hang out with MA. I love that there are flashbacks to her in High School. Showing what made her angry. Like “Prom Night” etc. It feels like an 80’s horror movie at times for sure. I love when horror reflects what is going in society at that time. The lesson is shit you say and do in the past will come back and haunt you. Like on Facebook/Instagram in the real world today. The teens are fun and memorable, and you will like hanging with them for the length of the film. There are some crazy things they show in this movie and we are there for it. MA come through! You really will be entertained by this movie and want to see a sequel the second you leave the theater. Go so MA for a good time! I am buying this movie when it drops!

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Octavia Spencer was great in this film. She had fun with it and lived it! I hope they make MA 2: Spring Break

B. Ma’s theme song is amazing.

D. Juliette Lewis was great in this. I feel like I understand her more now that she is older.

E. Corey Fogelmanis (Mostly Ghostly: One Night in Doom House, PrankMe) was the teen twink in this and he got to make out with MA. Yes to all this fucked up shit!

F. Gregory Tripi composed the score (The Fix) sort of a new composer but I was into it. Take a listen

G. I want this poster. What I really want is a standee of MA to take pics with!

“Avengers: Endgame” or “The End Etc.” my fuckin review

Here is my review for “Avengers: Endgame“.

GO SEE THE FUCKIN MOVIE FIRST! SPOILER ALERT! Listen, whether you will love it or hate it, just go see it. You have never seen a movie like this in theater before. A 20 movie build up to one film. So many stars in one fuckin movie. A movie you literally know nothing about, no footage or anything. It was a complete surprise. Okay mostly.

This time the Avengers, that are alive, are back. It’s been 5 years and they are sad as fuck. Ant-man shows back up and has an idea about time travel, so they get everybody back together and go back in time to get the glove stones. Craziness ensues and eventually Thanos finds out and comes to the future to fight everyone again. It’s literally everyone and their moms fighting. In the end we learn that time travel really can solve all your problems and that Captain America’s ass is “America’s Ass”.

Okay so this movie is big and feels big. Everyone is in it and it’s a lot. It’s a fun ride for sure and you will enjoy it, even if you have seen all the films. If you have not seen them, then you will be lost as fuck. It really is nuts and something to see. There are some great fight scenes at the end of the movie that will have you cheering. That being said the movie is really in the 3 parts. In the first part of the film everyone is dead and they are sad as fuck and missing them. The second part is, okay let’s find everyone and get them back together. The third part is everyone is back together fighting. Listen this movie is longgggg. So, the first 2 parts feel long as hell. You also really do miss Spiderman and Black Panther in this movie. You notice they are not in the scenes this time. Everyone knows by now what these movies are about and who is in them. Marvel has set these movies up to feel all connected and they are. It really is it’s on genre now. Once again, more people live, and more people die. Will you be sad? I don’t know, I feel like people die and come back all the time in these films so much who cares anymore. Just see it and I am sure you will be into it. It’s the biggest movie of all time or some shit so you should watch it. Will I buy it? Probably not. I would not repeat watch it probably.

 

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. There is an action scene with all the women of Marvel popping off and it was fun to see. You are glad movies and the world are changing for the better, even if it’s slow as hell. I want to see an all female hero movie.

B. Chris Evans really plays this role well and you are interested. They made a joke about his ass and the audience agreed.

C. Pepper Potts is a lot. Hahaaha

D. Thor’s Big Lebowski character was cute for a minute, but they didn’t let it go. Maybe I am just not a fan of the Big Lebowski

E. Ant-Man is funny. We love Paul Rudd.

F. Alan Silvestri composed the score. Listen Alan is a legacy composer. We love him forever. A lot of the Marvel movies score are forgettable and generic. Alan Brought some fun stuff to this one though.

G. The posters represents the movie. Cluttered with people.