“Spider-Man: Homecoming” or “Spider-Teen: Tony Just Doesn’t Understand” my fuckin review

Here is my review for “Spider-Man: Homecoming“. Spider-Man is back, for the… lets see Spider-Man 2002, Spider-Man 2 2004, Spider-Man 3 2007, The Amazing Spider-Man 2012,  The Amazing Spider-Man 2 2014 and Captain America: Civil War 2016! OMFG! So much Spider-Man! Okay so this Spider-Man was introduced in the Captain America movie and there is no shitty origin story. So we don’t have to sit through all the bullshit of where Spider-Man comes from again. YAY! FUCK THAT! 

Okay so this time Spider-Man is 15 year old and Tobey Maguire was like 27 or some shit. He is in High School living with his hot Aunt May and dealing with being Spider-Man. He got a new suit from Tony Stark, aka Iron Man, that does a lot of stuff and Tony is like his know it all bitchy dad. Ya know, shut up Spider-Kid you don’t know shit and clean your room etc. Spider-Man is just trying to help people and get laid and build stuff out of Legos with his chunky friend. Later Michael Keaton shows up trying to steal stuff as The Vulture and Spider-Man ain’t having it. Keaton tries to teach him some lessons but Spidey doesn’t need another daddy talking down to him. So he is like fuck you Bird Man. Then they decide to go to the Homecoming dance and listen to classical music (80’s music). There Spider-Man is nervous about The Vulture, people finding out about his secret, girls, and getting a boner in that skin-tight suit. Being a teen superhero is fucked up! In the end who the fuck is Mary Jane and where is Mysterio!

Okay this movie is funnnnn! Spider-Man makes sense as a teenager in High School and it’s great to see him interact with other Marvel characters. Don’t get me wrong I liked the Tobey Maguire Spider-Man movies too and they were cool (the Andrew Garfield ones were terrible), but this Spider-Man makes more sense to me. He is young and goofy and trying to figure shit out and not good at being a hero and we don’t have to sit through a boring origin story. So we are in it to win it, quick. You love all the High School stuff in the background too. All the other kids and weird side teen characters shit. It was like Degrassi up in there bitch! More of that please. Yeah the action is fun and you will love that too, but it’s Tom as Peter Parker and Micheal Keaton as The Vulture that make this movie real, interesting and cool. You will be excited to see “Spider-Man 2: Winter Formal” in 2 years. His best friend did get on my nerves though. Sorry he wouldn’t shut up. Please shut the fuck up. I really would love to see Mysterio’s ass in one of these. So if you love Spider-Man you will love this movie. It was a lot of fun and I can’t wait to see him in Avengers 3 or whatever it’s called. Shake that ass bitch!

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Tom Holland was great as Peter Parker and Spider-Man. He has fun with it and you feel his excitement for it. You would for sure be his friend.

Here is what you really want. Don’t worry he is actually 21 pervs.

B. It was directed by Jon Watts (Cop CarThe Onion News Network). 

C. Michael Keaton has given us so much! Mr. Mom Beetlejuice Batman Jackie Brown Jack Frost Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance). He was great as the Vulture. 

D. Michael Giacchino is amazing as always and this is probably the best Marvel score. Marvel scores are known for being generic trash. This one is one of the best I have heard. It sticks out but he is a great composer so ya know.

E. Marisa Tomei was great as Aunt May and I want more of her. I want to see her out at clubs dancing to Tag Team’s Whoomp! (There it is).

Here is the old Aunt May. Still hot.

Here is the new Aunt May. But honestly when you are 15 years old your Aunt was not 80 years old. She was like 30 or 40.

F. Zendaya was cool and mean in this movie as Peter’s friend or whatever. She was giving people the finger, so I was into her. 

G. They should have played this song at the end cuz Tony and Aunt May just don’t understand what Spidey is going through.

They played this jam though. I wonder if 15 year olds know who The Ramones are?

Technically they should have played Katy Perry’s “Swish Swish” or Kendrick Lamar’s “Humble” or some shit at that Homecoming dance.

H. My good friend Max Fisher worked on this movie for like a fuckin year! So proud of him! Here we are going to see it!


Here is his name in the credits!

I. Mysterio drop those pants!

J. This poster is incredible! I hope part 2 is called “Winter Formal”.

“Baby Driver” or “Baby Ran Me Over In Atlanta” my fuckin review

Here is my review for “Baby Driver“. So this is Edgar Wright’s new film and everyone loves Edgar. Okay the film starts off with a Bank Robbery in the city of Atlanta. Baby (Ansel Elgort) is the driver and he is the best driver in Atlanta. At one point in the movie I was looking to see if I got ran over by him because I live in Atlanta. Meanwhile Baby is really a good guy and is stuck in a life of crime working for Kevin Spacey,  Jon Hamm and Jamie FoxxEventually he meets a Southern girl (Lily Jamesat diner and they fall in love over an iPod and a coke. Later Baby has to drive for his life one last time and survive the night in Atlanta, fight bank robbers and dinner at Bacchanalia.

Okay so I loved this movie and it’s a lot of fun. It’s really an action musical. Which means everything is moving along to the music. The car chases, the guns shots, and the story. Even your fat ass! The music and the car chases are amazing and you wish you were in those cars screaming. The setting of Atlanta is fun and Wright made it feel like it was one of the characters of the film. You wanted to be best friends with Atlanta too. Ansel has been in a few films (CarrieDivergentThe Fault in Our StarsPaper TownsMen, Women & Children) before this one and you always buy what he is selling. He is somebody you want to hang out with and he is charming as fuck. Yes, I said it. Charming bitch. His relationship with his step-dad is great and real as fuck. You could just watch a movie about their shit. I thought Jamie Foxx was going to be silly or something in this film because of the trailers, but he is great in it and serious and mean as hell. You really do love all the characters and want to be in those cars with them dying or whatever. Press play on that iPod bitch. It really is a fun musical action romp that you will love watching. It has over-the-top characters (which I love) and cool songs for the summer. So go see it loud in the theater. I saw it twice and will buy it on Blu Ray. It’s a fun RIDE literally.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Ansel Elgort is charming as fuck and likable. You love him in movies and in this one. Something about him seems real and honest. The first time I noticed him was in the remake of “Carrie“. That movie was terrible, but I was like this dude is charming in it as Tommy Ross. 

Here he is in Carrie as Tommy Ross in 2013.

B. Edgar Wright (The World’s EndScott Pilgrim vs. the World, Hot Fuzz, Shaun of the Dead ) has become a director people love and people look forward to his films. His shit is fun. He also directed this music video for Mint Royale that is basically the opening for Baby Driver. Take a look. 

C. Best line “Fuck your baby”. So good. Jamie was great in this movie and was cold and cool as fuck.

D. We took a picture at the theater before the movie and tagged Ansel in it, then he liked it! We almost passed out!

Here is Ansel liking the picture above on Instagram! YES!!!!! Follow him here https://www.instagram.com/ansel/

E.  Bob’s diner is not real. It’s an old Denny’s. Here is Bob’s diner address. 5116 GA-85, Forest Park, GA 30297 in Atlanta.

We found the old Denny’s they filmed this shit at! It’s a new place called Chucky’s.



F. Shut the fuck up! Paul Williams showed up in this movie! He has been around forever writing and singing songs. I LOVE HIM!

Here he is on the Muppets too.

G. I love this song by Young MC “Know How”. It’s in the movie during one of my favorite scenes with the Atl Twins.

H. My favorite character in the movie was Atlanta. They really show Atlanta and make you feel like it’s a character in the movie and make you want to go there, but I live here and I am like wait it’s not that great. Haha

I. I love all the pink.

“Wonder Woman” or “Wonder Woman Just Beat My ASS!”- my fuckin review

Here is my review for “Wonder Woman“. I have been waiting on this one, but was worried about it but because D.C. has been crapping out messes with their films.

Okay so the film starts off with Wonder Woman/Diana growing up on Mascara Island. No men allowed! Just big strong bad ass Amazon woman who know how to fight and will beat the shit out of you. They are cool as fuck! They are all raising and training Diana to fight and be smart etc. Eventually Chris Pine crashes a Nazi plane on the island and Diana saves him, but Nazi’s are on his ass and there is a big battle. Diana’s Mother Hippolyte pops off and shuts Nazi’s down like they are paper dolls!  Then Chris convinces Diana to go and help fight in the War and help people and shit, so they leave the island. Before they leave she sees his penis. Insert dick joke. She is not impressed. Later in England they go on a shopping spree and meet up with some friends to help them fight Nazi’s. Shit hits the fan when Diana watches men, women, and children suffer because of the war and she beats the living fuck out of a shit load of Nazi’s in a town. I was screaming. In the end some knowledge is dropped and a big bad guy shows up and your typical super hero movie explosions start happening and then shit gets too real for her. She learns that just because you find a pair of great knee-high boots it doesn’t mean you will live happily ever after.

Okay WONDER WOMAN WAS AMAZING!!!!!!!!! You will love this movie. I loved this movie! Somehow you be emotionally involved 15 minutes into the fucking movie. When people die or get hurt. You are like NOOOOO! What?????  Why did I care so fast? I have no idea. Hippolyte (Connie Nielsen) I love you! Antoine (Robin Wright) I love you! Those Amazons aren’t playing! I was like holy shit yesssss! They are beating ass in it. Gal Gadot you got me! You are Wonder Woman. Not just the costume and the fighting etc., It was when she smiled. That shit was Wonder Woman. I believed her compassion and her strength, the balance was there. Also even though she was a fish out of water, she was never a dummy. She was always smart and intelligent. She was just innocent. There is a huge difference. They could have easily made her pretty and dumb. NO! She is strong and smart. Now I want to see “Justice League” (even though it looks terrible) more. I even bought what Chris Pine was selling. He was giving you emotion and it wasn’t cheesy or forced. He seemed like a real guy and not a fuckin mansplaining jerk. He never ordered Diana around but tried to help her and let her figure things out on her own. I mean he is okay in the Star Trek movies but here he was honest and it felt like he was having real conversation with someone. He even had to seduce a female bad guy, and that is usually reserved for the female characters of a movie. At one point the lasso of truth is around him and he is describing the war and he sounds so terrified talking about it. It’s a great scene because it’s a man forced to say what’s inside him about what he really thinks about war. He is horrified about it. Not a tough guy. 

This film really is well-rounded, well structured, and fun to watch. It all makes sense and the score was great too. The scene where they were at No Mans Land is amazing. It’s the first time she really gets to be Wonder Woman and you really feel that scenes power. You wanted to scream! Steve Trevor is telling her no man can cross it and she is like bitch I am NO MAN and she kicks every man’s ass for 15 minutes. It’s amazing. You are like this is WONDER WOMAN! She is the super hero you have been waiting for. A strong and compassionate one for 2017. One that will smile and laugh with you and beat the shit out of everyone who did you dirty. Then hug you and tell you shit will be okay afterwards. The 2 villains (Dr. Maru and Ludendorff) were even fun and over-the-top and had a great scene where they throw a gas bomb in a room a giggle about it. I was like yes bad guys can have fun too. The only problem I really had was that the big bad guy gets a little too CGI at the end and it turns into typical bad guy/explosions popping off hero/villain duel off ending. I mean you need that boss fight scene though I guess. What is cool too is that this movie is getting a lot of praise and positive reviews, and years ago they thought a movie with a female super hero as a lead would be shit and not do well. Well this is one of the best super hero movies ever made and it’s directed by a woman. So fuck everyone I guess. I want to see it again, and I will buy it on Blu Ray. Go see it in the theater in 3D! It’s worth it. 

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Gal Gadot you are Wonder Woman. You strong, smart, and kind! Save me!

B. Wonder Woman Barbie, Yes, I want a barbie doll now fuck it!


C. Directed by Patty Jenkins (Monster). You gave it to us. I loved Monster too. Yes take note a woman just saved D.C.’s ASS!

D. Queen Hippolyta was amazing and will stab you. All the Amazons were cool. Make a spin off!

E. Her lasso game is on point!

F. Chris Pine as Steve Trevor was probably his most believable role I ever seen him in. His emotion felt real. On a side note there was no female hinted at nudity in this movie. Just hinted at male nudity. Chris stood up nude holding his junk. That’s a switch. “The Gaze” this time was a woman looking a upon his male nudity and not the other way around like every other movie. No Amazons were running around naked. Just Chris Pine. Crazy.

G. I do miss the wonder twirl.

H. The score was composed by Rupert Greyson-Williams (The Crown tv, Winter’s TaleThe Legend of Tarzan). It was great and when the new Wonder Woman theme popped off and it was the shit!!!!!! This is the hot track!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love it!

This track is amazing!!!!!!!!!!!!

I. Here is a link to an article about how important the Chief character is to the film and that he was played by Native American Actor Eugene Brave Rock. The director let him pick his own wardrobe so that it would be completely accurate. Amazing. 



J. Here is a video of some of the different versions of the cartoon Wonder Women over the year set to Beyoncé’s “Run The World”. The cartoon Wonder Woman is so good too!

K. The bad guys had a scene where they threw a bomb in a room and giggled about it together it was cute and funny.

L. Lines that were great or some shit like it. “Everybody is fighting their own battles Diana, just like you”. “You have to stay Charlie, or who will sing for us?”. These lines were great and felt real.

Also mystery photo solved!

M. Philippus the Amazon is in this movie! YES!


N. There was an alley scene that reminded me of a scene from “Superman” 1978. Where Clark Kent stopped a bullet just like Diana did. It was like the reverse. Surely it was a nod to the Superman movie. Diana and Clark even look the same, hat and glasses etc. It’s like look how far we have come. In 1978 a “Super” man is saving a woman, and now in 2017 a  “Wonder” woman is saving a man in the same way.


O. YESSSSS to all these posters!

“Alien: Covenant” or “Michael Fassbenders: In Space” my fuckin review


Here is my review for “Alien: Covenant“. This is the sequel to “Prometheus“. Here is my review for that film https://eddieraysmoviereviews.wordpress.com/2012/06/08/prometheus-or-all-dressed-up-and-nowhere-to-go-my-fuckin-review/ .

Okay so this film starts off with a big spaceship traveling through the universe with a crew that is woken up to go investigate a weird planet. Then some of the crew gets infected by something but Ripley will not let them bring it onboard, but the the alien gets on anyway and they have to fight it. Oh shit wait that’s another movie, that’s “Alien“. Oops it starts of the same way though. Then after that it turns into Prometheus 2, when they pick up with that David (Fassender) character from part 1, but there is already a Fassbender on board called Walter. So if you hate Michael Fassebender walk out now. In the theater no one cane hear you walk out! Now the crew that is stranded on the weird planet (Still not LV-426) is being attacked by aliens that look like like uncooked white chickens to me. So they follow David to the giant white people who created the Aliens. They are all dead now. David has killed them all for some reason. Maybe he hates “white” aliens. I don’t blame him. Now our gang is being killed by the uncooked chicken aliens. While David and Walter make out barefooted. That’s not a joke. I am serious. Not that I mind two dudes making out, but barefooted with dirty alien feet and with your twin. I don’t know.  Later we find out that somehow David was the one who created the Alien egg and the Xenomorh as we have come to know it. Not an alien queen or the giant white people. A robot? Then a baby Xenomorph is born and almost comes out doing some sort of bow or performance. I have no idea what is happening or care. In the end Danny McBride risks 2,000 crew members to drive the big spaceship to the planet to save like 2 people. Then our female hero who looks like a Kroger Cashier tries to save the day by running around falling everywhere tied to rope shooting at an alien. Honestly I would be embarrassed if I was her. She could have just stayed inside the ship and they could have shaken the alien off? Then in a weird twist (for a Ridley Scott film) there is a Friday the 13th horror movie style shower scene. Where a couple is having sex and an alien kills them. Let me say that again. A nude couple is having sex in a shower and an alien kills them! Did you hear me? Then more Michael Fassbender.  The end.

So is it better than Prometheus? Yes, because that movie is trash. I even watched it again before we went to see Alien: Covenant and honestly I was kind to that fuckin movie. It’s way worse than I remember. Yes, it’s a pretty movie, but Prometheus is terrible and insulting. Also if it was so good why doesn’t anyone care that the Elizabeth Shaw character was just killed off in an online video that is not even included in the fucking movie. Now we are sitting here watching what starts off to be literally a reboot of the movie “Alien”. The titles for “Alien: Covenant” come up just like “Alien” and they even use Jerry Goldsmith’s theme. Then it’s the same shit until the David character shows up then it turns into Prometheus 2 and you are like “okay what now” the rest of the way. Yes, once again everything looks pretty. It’s literally Michael Fassbender vs. Michael Fassbender the whole movie. He is all over the goddamn place. Playing 2 parts. Then telling me he creating the eggs and the alien Xenomorph? The ones that show up to fight Ripley later in the movie “Alien”? HUH? Your shit is confusing and a mess. Sorry just because you have an alien running around and you shoot at it in a film doesn’t make it good. The original “Alien” and “Aliens” are films that have transcending time bitch. They are films that people have ripped off and live still and shit. You hand this half ass report in to your teacher and you expect her not to fail your ass. Get real. YOU FAIL! You have bootleg and forgettable characters that you could give a shit less about. Another forced Ripley ripoff like in “Prometheus”. I think trying to force a new Ripley is a train wreck. Sigourney Weaver was like accidentally magic. Then having Danny play a country character called Tennessee with a cowboy hat is cheesy. It’s 2017 and James Cameron did something similar back in 1989 with the movie “The Abyss” he had a character called “One Night” who was country and had a cowboy hat and listened to country music, but what was interesting was that the character was female and African-American. Now in 2017 we got this hokey shit. Later that Friday the 13th inspired shower death scene is too much. Don’t get me wrong I love Friday the 13th movies. I own and watch them every Friday the 13th. BUT ALIEN FILMS AREN’T FRIDAY THE 13TH MOVIES! A sex scene with boobs in a shower???? Seriously? Hahaha wow. Did the studio make Ridley Scott shoot that? I mean fuck it whatever. Scenes where David was talking to Walter I was just staring off, I honestly have no idea what was even said at this point. When that little baby Xenomorh was born the whole audience laughed. I wish I had a gif of it to show you. It’s a joke. I was offended hahahaha Anyway did I hate this movie? No. Do I care? No. I will never watch it again. The movie “Aliens” is one of the best films ever made for so many reasons. Even “Alien” is Science Fiction legacy. To like this new film is a slap to those movies faces. Honestly I would rather watch “AVP: Alien vs. Predator” at least it knows it’s trash and doesn’t try to blow smoke up your ass. 

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. How many Michael Fassbender‘s do you need for a film? I also don’t want to see androids walking around with no shoes on and its gross and dumb. Put some shoes on David your feet stink! I guess he is the star in all of these new movies. Whatever. 

P.S. Michael has a huge dong. Want to see? Click on my review for “Shame” a movie he is nude in https://eddieraysmoviereviews.wordpress.com/2011/12/12/shame-or-michael-fassbenders-dick-is-huge-my-fuckin-review/

B. Does this make you hungry for chicken?

C. Katherine Waterston would be great as a Kroger Cashier in a Kroger grocery store. 


D. The score was composed by Jed Kurzel (The Babadook,Assassin’s Creed). It’s pretty good but maybe because it used Jerry Goldsmith‘s themes the whole time. He was a brilliant composer before he died.

E. I love Danny McBride in shit but calling him Tennessee and making him a country like character in 2017 is silly. Although I wish he was just Danny in it being a smart ass. 

Tennessee (Alien: Covenant- 2017)

One Night (The Abyss- 1989) P.S. The Abyss is amazing. 

F. Billy Crudup is like a rip off of Henry Thomas. Every time I see him I think it’s Henry for a second and hope it’s him. It’s not. This is not shade against the film even though I find him boring in the film. Haha 

Henry Thomas was in E.T. so he wins. 

G. James Franco is in this? Haha but barely. I wish he was in the whole thing. You can see him in this scene that is not in the movie along with 2 gay characters that you can’t tell are gay in the film, but can in this scene. So people just thought they were broke straight boys or something I guess. 

H. Whites only I guess.

I. A prologue that is not in the movie, that you need to see before you see the movie. That’s a problem. Hahaha Also Elizabeth Shaw from “Prometheus” is dead and nobody cares. Why? Because she sucked and nobody gave a shit. By the end of this film you will feel the same way about these new characters. I assume if they make a 3rd there will be all new characters too.

J. The poster looks great. Too bad the movie wasn’t.

“Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2” or “James Gunn Has A Kurt Russell Dad Fetish”- my fuckin review

Here is my review for “Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2“. This is the sequel to Guardians of the Galaxy and here was my review for that https://eddieraysmoviereviews.wordpress.com/2014/08/07/guardians-of-the-galaxy-or-firefly-star-wars-a-fun-ride-my-fuckin-review/.

Okay Star Lord is back with all the gang and this time they are bitching. Just kidding they bitched the last time too.  Now the gang is being hired to do good things for galaxy but they are still thieves and getting into trouble and shit. Along the way Star Lord finally runs into his long-lost dad Kurt Russell, who has been looking for him since he was like 10 years old. Kurt is also a god. Meanwhile Yondu and Rocket are assholes together with Baby Groot, but they learn why they are assholes this time. Star Lord and Gamora get closer over the TV show Cheers. Drax is hanging with a bug lady named Mantis, and Nebula hates her sister Gamora. In the end Star Lord learns what a father really is and the real villain is dealing with honest emotions. P.S. Sylvester StalloneVing RhamesMichelle YeohMiley Cyrus and Michael Rosenbaum show up! WHAT THE FUCK! 

Okay so the Guardian movies are fun, over-the-top and follow no pattern. They are funny and you will laugh at that shit. You will love all the characters and will be entertained by all of them and you would hangout with their asses. They are all fleshed out more this time except for Star Lord. He really takes a backseat to everyone. He seemed to be the focus last time and now the rest of the cast gets their time to shine or what the fuck ever. Kurt Russell is Kurt and you love him for it. I mean you love him in anything he does. He plays a god in this and you buy it. I think that James Gunn had some weird fantasy for Kurt to be his father in real life or some shit. Then I looked around the audience and all these dudes looked emotional and I realized they wanted Kurt to be their father too. Weird. Everyone wanted Daddy Kurt.

Meanwhile I loved how Yondu and Rocket had their moments about being assholes and why they were really assholes. They weren’t just mean the worlds mad them mean. This film was really about relationships and honest emotions. Sisters, Fathers and sons, and friendships. That’s the thing, the bad guy is almost not that important. What’s import is the good guys and what they are dealing with on the inside. Too real. James Gunn is giving it to you. For a minute this throws you because you are used to a check list in these super hero movies and this one derails from that for a while. It’s still kinda of there so chill the fuck out. Meanwhile it’s happy and sad and action pack and the songs they chose are hot. The score is weak as fuck though, just like most of the ones for Marvel movies. They all sound so generic and tired. Just so interchangeable. It’s so disappointing. The composer’s aren’t bad either so I feel like Producers are coming in and telling them to sound this way. What the fuck is going on. Fix your scores. They are fucking terrible. I blame Marvel now, not the composers. Anyway the movie is a lot of fun and James Gunn you have fun with your films. The jokes are a little one note sometimes. Meaning they are very similar to the first films jokes, and we heard that shit before. Its like okay, we get it, come up with some new ones, etc. So if you loved the first one, then you will love the second one. Watch them back to back and you will be happy. I will buy this bitch.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Chris Pratt is cool, but was probably my least favorite character this time in the movie. Everyone else was so much more entertaining this time. 

B. James Gunn directed this film. He also directed  Slither and Super. He wrote Tromeo and JulietScooby-Doo– the movie,  Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed– the movie, and Dawn of the Dead– 2004. He is a fun director and really has fun with his movies and the dialogue. Here he is talking about suicide. REAL as FUCK!


His brother Sean Gunn is in the movie too as Karolin.

C. Sylvester Stallone showed up and I hope he is in the next movie too! 

D. Kurt Russell is a national treasure. He is amazing in movies and we all love him. I do think the director maybe wanted him to be his dad growing up then I realized maybe a lot of dudes in the audience felt the same way. Weird. Daddy issues. 

E. Tyler Bates composed score (Dawn of the Dead 2004, The Devil’s RejectsSlither, Rob Zombie’s HalloweenDoomsdayHalloween IIGuardians of the GalaxyAtomic BlondeSamurai Jack). He is stuff is usually moody, dark, generic, and atmospheric. Which is not really a good thing. This is more light-hearted and actiony but still generic. His best stuff is Samurai Jack honestly. Maybe he gets to do what he wants on that. I think Marvel is stepping in and controlling these scores and ruining them. They are generic and interchangeable. Such a let down. Marvel are you scores are trash. 

Here is a sample from the Guardians 2. 

F. I love this song from the soundtrack.

G. Favorite lines. “I don’t know Cheers “and “I meant trash Panda”.

H. Omg this weird fan fiction shit is already for the movie. Here is Yondu and Star Lord as boy. Adopted father and son. Haha

I. Michelle Yeoh is at the end of this movie as Aleta Ogord and I pray she is in the next movie. She is amazing!

I. This poster is great. It’s colorful and you would hang this shit on your wall.

The Best Witch Movies to Watch On Witches Night!

Here are some witch flicks, in no particular order, that you can watch on Witches Night on April 30th! Here is an article about Witches Night. http://www.dirgemag.com/walpurgisnacht/

Listen to this while you read the list.

1. The Blair Witch Project -1999

2. The Witch– 2015

3. The Craft– 1996

4. The Witches of Eastwick– 1987

5. The Lords of Salem– 2012

6. Season of the Witch aka Hungry Wives– 1972

7. Häxan– 1922

8. Black Sunday– 1960

9. The Witches– 1990

10. Blair Witch– 2016

11. Halloween III: Season of the Witch– 1982

12. Hocus Pocus– 1993

13. Suspiria– 1977

14. Paranormal Activity 3– 2011 – it’s about a coven of witches.

15. The Covenant– 2006

Me as witch on Halloween.

“The Void” or “I’ve Seen These 6 Horror Movies Before” my fuckin review

Here is my review for “The Void“. Okay so this movie was getting a lot of horror buzzzzzzzz so were were excited to see it opening night. Scare me bitch, or at least others around me whatever. Okay so this movie starts off and these 2 dudes are chasing this couple, the one guy gets away but the girl gets set on fire. Oddly enough she seems okay with it, because if my ass gets set on fuckin fire I would be rolling around screaming and shit because being burned hurts like a bitch. How do I know? I was just burned on the stove and that was small. So assume this is that times a million. Meanwhile a cop finds the guy that got away and takes him to a local small town hospital that is in the process of closing, but now it’s being surrounded by cult people in white robes/cloaks. Think “Assault on Precinct 13“. In the hospital there are some doctors and a girl who is pregnant (Hahaha you can guess where that is headed). ANYWAYYYYYYYYY….. Someone turns into a demon/squid/Cthulhu/The Thing and attacks. Think “The Thing” and “In the Mouth of Madness“. It’s cute looking I think, because it’s in a strobe light with quick editing. So maybe it looks like shit with the lights on and steady shot. Meanwhile the Cult is outside trying to keep them inside and some people die. Later a doctor wants to open a Triangle gateway to hell to get his daughter back. Which is weird. Like honestly fuck your stupid daughter. If you can open up “THE VOID” and you are some sort of “Lord of Illusions” Centobite or some shit then you want POWER. To hell with your stupid daughter. Or to the void with her whatever. I feel like the doctor even tried to sound like a cross between Nix from Lord of Illusions and Dr. Channard from Hellbound: Hellraiser II, but with cheesy forgettable dialogue. There is even a part where a demon chases a guy down a hallway that is closing like in Hellraiser 2 and it closed when the guy jumps through, trapping the demon in the void (hell) just like with Kirsty Cotton. In the end the hero even grabs the demon and jumps into the void with him and seals it up, just like in John Carpenter’s “Prince of Darkness“, in that movie the girl jumps with the demon into the mirror, trapping herself and Satan in hell. If you are trying to be 6 other movies then you will never be your own film.

Okay so we can’t like your film, because we love all these other movies so much. Everyone gets an homage to your favorite horror movies, but when it’s a constant rip off or throw back or copy of them we can’t get over that shit. We are sitting there playing “What horror movie is this from”. It’s obvious and a let down. The dialogue is generic and flat, and the characters are “so what- who cares”. The score is limp and forgettable too. The only thing this movie had going for it were the special effects. When you could see them. I really went in excited and came out confused and let down. Shit check it out on Netflix one day for sure just so you can see it I guess and make your own judgement. I promise it will be similar to what I said. Unless you don’t know anything about horror movies and have not seen the movies I have listed above. Then shit maybe this will seem fresh as fuck to you. Good luck. I know it’s sounds like I am beating up on this movie but I don’t mean to be. I just had high hopes and my check got VOIDED!


The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. I felt trapped in their with them and couldn’t get out either.

B. Written and Directed by newbies  Jeremy Gillespie (Father’s Day) and Steven Kostanski (ABCs of Death 2-segment “W is for Wish”). They are new and hopefully will grow and learn. 

C. Pick a horror movie and this movie will seem like it.

D. Triangles are hot right now. See “The Neon Demon

Triangles were on the eye holes on the white robes and it was the gateway the Void also.

The Void Triangle

Here is a pic from Neon Demon’s Trianle.

E. Blitz//Berlin did the score it was weak

F. If you are pregnant and there are demons around. Kill your baby. It ain’t the next Jesus.

G. Mik Byskov played the character with no name aka the son. He was the best character because he had no lines. 

H. The poster is great.