“Insidious: The Last Key” or “Beep Beep, Who Got The Keys To The Jeep? A GHOST BITCH!” – my fucking review

Here is my review for “Insidious: The Last Key“. Elise Rainier is back and she has to deal with more ghosts and her family this time! This is the 4th Insidious movie but it’s another prequel, so that way we can still have Elise as the main character. She died in the first Insidious movie. She has literally been in all 4 movies, but honestly we love her and want her in them. Okay this time she has to deal with shit from her childhood and growing up. Things her and her brother witnessed and now as an adult she is back at their childhood home fucking shit up with her newly found nieces. Specs and Tucker are back and there are a bunch of ghosts and a few twists here and there too. In the end she tells a ghost to fuck off and learns that family is important. We also see everything come full circle and connect to Insidious part 1. I love that.

Okay so this movie is fun and I love Elise aka Lin Shaye she is amazing in these films and we have always loved her in anything. It’s just cool that she is 74 years old and the star of a huge horror movie franchise. I would buy an Elise doll. These movies really are like walking through a haunted house attraction and the ghosts jump out at you. You will be jumping and screaming watching it for sure. Is it super scary? No, but it is fun and spooky and if you love the Insidious movies it’s fun to see all 4 of them connect. Joseph Bishara composed the score to this one and all the Insidious films, so they sound/feel the same. If you watch all 4 films together it’s a fun long ride. Haha That being said I think I like part 1, then 2, then 4, then 3. In that order. So if you love the world of Insidious and ghosts and shit you will probably like this movie. I dug it and it was fun. 

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Lin Shaye is a horror hero. She is 74 and still giving it to you! We love you.

Lin was in A Nightmare on Elm Street  and

New Nightmare

B. Joseph Bishara Composed the score again and it was scary and he is great for these films.

C. Where is the key!

D. Leigh Whannell and Angus Sampson are great and back as Specs and Tucker. 

E. Ummmm Where was she? I never saw her but she is in the trailer.

 

F. Directed by Adam Robitel (The Taking of Deborah Logan). This pic came up when I was looking for a pic of him. They said he is an up and coming LGBT director. 

 

G. That’s a lot of keys.

“Star Wars: The Last Jedi” or “Star Boner: I Am Overwhelmed” my fuckin review

 

SPOILERS! Go see the movie first and be shocked and surprised and overwhelmed like me!

Here is my review for “Star Wars: The Last Jedi“. Everyone on Earth is excited about this movie including my ass. I can’t believe we didn’t know any spoilers watching it! Okay so they pick up where they left off with Rey on that Jedi island infested with Porgs. General Leia, Poe and a passed out Finn are trying to evacuate that resistance base but the First Order is popping off. Kylo is having personal issues about his wardrobe with Supreme Leader Snoke. Shit is already out of control in this film. Luke is all fuck the Jedis and fuck Kylo and Rey too. Poe is not listening to orders and is getting people killed. Kylo is like fuck Snoke. Chewbacca is just trying to eat Porgs and ends up being a Vegetarian! Later Finn splits with a new character named Rose, and Poe is still not listening to orders when Laura Dern takes over. He is hot-headed and is just not wanted to hear women at all in 2017. He also wants to be in charge etc. Finn and Rose head to the rich people planet and raise hell with some giant reindeer and we learn that the assholes are selling weapons to the bad guys and the good! Good and bad are relative! WTF! In a Star Wars movie. I am now interested! Cut to Luke still pissy and we realize that Luke is a person with flaws and has made mistakes. YES! He fucked up. Now Rey is talking to a shirtless Kylo via Jedi mind calls. YES! WTF!  So she is like take me to this fucker Chewbacca. Now back to Finn and Poe’s plan, and blowing some shit up on Snoke’s ship. Laura Dern has another plan but Poe is like fuck you bitch I don’t care. They are all running around trying to figure that mess out while Rey and Kylo are hanging out with Snoke in his gold bath robe. They have a fight and some nutty shit happens and HOLY SHIT! They say who Rey’s parents are. They literally give you the best answer that could have ever been said. Her parents were drunks and whores. I’m dead. I fell in the floor. Call an ambulance. Now cut to Finn and Poe’s big ass plan not working. It’s a bust. WTF! This movie is too real. A giant plan not playing out????? This is real as fuck to me. Your plan is shit! Laura Dern was right. In the end a showdown with Luke and Kylo and some more crazy shit happens. My mind is blown. I’m overwhelmed. What just happened. I got emotional. 

Okay I had to see this movie twice just to write this fuckin review. I am floored. It was like 2 movies in one. They said fuck your check list of movies and a trilogy. Fuck rules and the bullshit we know. I was genuinely shocked by so much. Honestly I am impressed with any filmmaker who can shock me and keep me guessing about things. We have seen so much and know so much now. He really did give it to me. Honestly the characters really do seem like real people now. I like Kylo in this movie now, before he was just a brat. What he said was great about fuck everything from the past and burn it down. Fuck the Jedi and Siths etc. It was what the film was doing. Let go on and move forward. We have seen 6 movies about these Skywalker bitches. There is a whole universe out there of cool space shit. What was also cool about it was all the subtext going on. Multiple women in charge, and men not wanting to listen and fucking shit up. I have heard arguments about if Laura Dern would have just told Poe (one of many pilots) her plans then he wouldn’t have run off, but WTF he had just not listened to Leia and got demoted. He also made a plan of his own and didn’t tell Laura Dern about it either. Plus its military shit and Laura Dern doesn’t have to tell everyone her plans. She is in charge. My boss doesn’t tell everyone his plans. You just find out as you go along. Also the thing about the weapons being sold to the bad and the good. The city of Canto Bight full of rich assholes mistreating kids and animals and shit. Instead of like a Jabba the Hutt look. The real creeps are rich dicks etc. Rey’s parents being drunks, it’s great for kids in the audience with shitty lives. They don’t have to let their pasts control their lives. They can grow up to be “Jedis” or whatever too. How Luke Skywalker has been a hero in these films but also one in reality all this time and now we are told he is also just a man who made mistakes. Benicio Del Toro‘s character being neither good nor bad, but just trying to save his own ass and splitting. People really think he is going to help Finn and he doesn’t. He is like fuck you. Amazing. Even the little homeless boy at the end with a Jedi broom. There are so many of those real moments and cool surprises to think about and pay attention to. More than the other films ever had. I never got emotional in a Star Wars movie before, I was in this one.

The acting in this movie was a lot better than the last film for sure. Luke and Leia were great and they gave it to you. Kylo was the best in this film. You even sided with what he was saying. Rey felt more natural this time for sure. Finn and Rose made sense together and were fun. Laura Dern is legend. It really is amazing that this movie is even made. The score by John Williams is pretty standard at this point for Williams, but it’s Star Wars and it fits. There is one track that stood out and that one was great. I put it below. Also I really enjoyed the smart ass jokes in it. It reminded me of “Empire Strikes Back”. Yoda was funny in that movie and this movie. I thought shit, if I was in a Star Wars movie I would be making all kinds of jokes. This movie really gave you a lot of crazy shit and I’m glad. I’m glad they surprised me. I’m glad I don’t know what is coming in part 3. I’m glad the director pissed old Star Wars fans off. That means he did something right. He shook shit up. He made shit interesting again. Fuck everyone!

The trailer:

The Facts:

A. Rian Johnson directed this movie. He also did Brick , Looper , and the next Untitled Star Wars Trilogy: Episode I . I think he is good director I am excited to see what that new trilogy will look like. He really gave you shit to think about and threw the movie action check list in the trash.

B. Many Bothans died to bring us this photo from the theater of Kylo shirtless. Adam Driver gave it to you in this movie. He became a likable villain in this movie. When he says “The Empire, your parents, the Resistance, the Sith, the Jedi… let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. That’s the only way to become what you are meant to be.” I swear Oprah said the same shit but about racist and homophobes and sexists. 

C. Carrie Fisher is a legend and will live on forever as such. She is great in this movie and I love that she is in charge and basically all the women are. I love how Poe doesn’t listen to her or Laura Dern at first then he realizes they were right and to chill and Finn doesn’t listen and Poe tells him to chill in the end. Real as fuck. Woman are making all the right decisions in this film and men are fuckin up shit. Much like in reality lately. Maybe when fans say “This is not my Star Wars” this is what they are really saying. Because they are pissed and they are dudes. Love it or hate it. I am glad they are making these movies again. 

D. Mark Hamill is great as always, and gave you real shit this time. He is a flawed hero. A broken Hero. That’s a real Hero. I heard that he is acting weird now that fans are on the fence about this movie talking about he didn’t like all things they did with his character. Well I can tell you one thing he took that paycheck and cashed that shit and didn’t bitch. Also years ago before these films he said he he told George Lucas he wanted to go evil. Which is a good idea. So they kind of listened to him. Plus they said it was really George’s idea to go that island and be isolated and not train Jedis anymore. So honestly he full of shit really. He needs to support and back the film he is in and support the great work he just did. If I was his cast members etc I would be pissed at him. 

Here is Mark talking about wanting to Luke to go bad to JJ way back before JJ got the Star Wars movie. Now he is saying different shit cuz fans are starting shit. Womp Womp.

Here is now saying I don’t like the way Luke is in the movie etc.

http://www.darkhorizons.com/hamill-says-hes-not-my-luke-skywalker/

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E. Here is the best song on the score by John Williams

F. Get me a Porg! I’m hungry.

G. Laura Dern you are the real deal! The scene between her and Carrie Fisher is amazing. Go save the Jurassic Park movies. Strong women in these kinds of movies are needed because literally everyone on Earth will see this movie. It matters. 

H. OMG I love this new character. UBBLA MOLLBRO! She is in the Canto Bight scene I want a figure.

I. Frank Oz WE LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!! Yoda is supposed to be old and funny and crazy. 

J. Joseph Gordon-Levitt was in this movie too as Slowen Lo. YES!

K. People are pissed about who Snoke is in the film? But who the fuck is the Emperor in Star Wars, Empire Strikes Back and Return of The Jedi? Just using the knowledge of those 3 films. He is just some old ass bad dude who trained Darth Vader. I feel like the focus was Darth and Luke, and the new focus is Kylo and Rey.

L. I am not sure why dudes are so angry at this movie. I really enjoyed it a lot and people are saying shit like not my Star Wars etc. Maybe I am not a true fan, or maybe I am real fan because I really do love Star Wars and the fun that world has to offer. I buy the toys, and the movies, and the soundtracks. I want new fun characters in the films I watch. I don’t want the same plots over and over again. People say they hated “Force Awakens” because it was just like a “New Hope”, well they gave you something different and you hated that more. So that means they will just keep making the same crap over and over again. You are the problem with Hollywood. You are why there are remakes and reboots. You are why they keep making the same shit over and over again. That’s what you want to happen. When shit comes out of left field you are pissed and angry and start petitions and shit. Are you kidding me? I am floored. I know this is a weird example but when they made “Halloween 3” they made something different and cool and people were pissed. They just wanted Michael Myers running around again. The same movie over and over again. When I hear someone say Hollywood makes the same movies over and over again and has no good ideas. I will ask do you like the Last Jedi? When they say no. I will say “Fuck off and die”. Haha

M. You want to know something dumb that nobody bitched about. E.T. is in “Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace“. So that is CANON! So that means the movie “E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial” is a part of Star Wars. E.T. even recognizes Yoda in his movie. E.T. has Jedi powers too. He can heal shit, float bikes, fly, read minds, etc. So that means Gertie (Drew Barrymore) is one step away from YODA and is apart of the Star Wars Universe.

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M. I love all the red!