Just in time for Christmas bitch!!!!!! I just watched “Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale” and here is the movie review. Ok let me first start off by saying this is a Finnish film and it is subtitled, but don’t let that scare you. Learn to read bitch! The film starts off with this big company digging in the side of a mountain in the Korvatunturi mountains, somewhere in between Finland And Russia. In real life this is where they say “Father Christmas” comes from, in case you didn’t know Father Christmas later becomes Santa Claus in the United States. That’s right kiddies Jesus didn’t create Santa Claus. The fat red bastard you keep seeing on TV and Movies was re-designed by the Coca-Cola Company. Santa was created to scare the shit out of kids so that they would be good, like Satan (Santa/ Satan think about it, Be good or you he will kill you). Meanwhile back to the movie, now they are digging up the mean ass evil Santa Claus deep within this mountain. The local towns people are like what the fuck is going on, all this blasting is scaring all the reindeer away. Which they eat for dinner by the way. Now they have let loose some fucked up shit, elves and big ass evil Santa Claus. A little Finnish boy has to stop Santa Claus and literally a bunch of naked elves with little dicks hanging out for Christmas. This movie is a Christmas delight. It’s shot well and the snowy countryside of Korvatunturi mountains is a great setting for a pissed off Santa Claus to come back to kill. The movie sort of reminded me of a Christmas version of “The Thing“, ya know something trapped in the ice that is thawed out and comes back for the kill. I love that Finnish people eat reindeer, and that a little boy is the hero and carries a fuckin shot-gun. Now it’s not very fast paced, but it is interesting and entertaining. THIS IS NOT A HORROR movie, there really aren’t any scares, it’s fairy tale creepy. Just so you know. Don’t go in watching it and think you will be screaming, it ain’t going to happen. I did like this movie a lot and it was a fun watch a Christmas time. I’m interested in violent themed Christmas stories. Haha So if you love Santa Claus, old naked limp dicked elves, Finnish people, dead reindeer, and wanna learn how to be good on Christmas then this movie is for you. This should be on Netflix, On Demand and Blu Ray. Go Check it out. It’s worth it.
A. I wish someone would have said “Fuck you Santa”.
B. Here are the old naked men elves. CREEPY AND GROSS. Cold little dicks everywhere.
C. This film was based on a short film the Director made in 2003 called “Rare Exports Inc.“. Here is the short film.
There was also a follow-up short made called “The Official Rare Exports Inc. Safety Instructions 2005“.
D. Here are the rules to survive Santa Claus.
E. I wonder if Santa wears red, because it’s the color of blood.
F. I wish they would have played Madonna’s version of “Santa Baby” during the chase scene.
G. The cast was all good.
H. Christmas is a Pagan holiday. Do some research bitch!
I. Here is an old ass pic of Father Christmas, people in the background are coming to kill him.
J. I just filmed this. I told you I was into violent themed Christmas stories.
K. I love this poster. I really would have called this movie “Santa Claus is Coming to Kill You Bitch”.