“Once Upon a Time … in Hollywood” or “Your Dirty Feet Stink” – my fuckin review

WARNING! If you are a white guy do not read this! I know that you all love Quentin Tarantino and will defend him like he is your goddamn mother! So, no need to read this review will make you angry etc.

Okay you were warned!

Here is my review for “Once Upon a Time … in Hollywood“. Quentin is back with his 9th film. He says it’s over at 10 because directors lose their edge or touch etc. Like all his films I was excited to see this one, Manson family stuff, Leo, 60’s dancing. What could go wrong?

The films starts off with Leo as an aging actor who is not getting the good roles anywhere. He hangs out with his stunt double Brad Pitt, who is also his driver and maid.  Cut to feet. Then Sharon Tate shows up and walks around. Then cut to her dirty feet. Now Bruce Lee shows up picking fights with Brad Pitt. Cut to feet. Then the Manson Family shows up and acts kind of crazy. Later Leo shoots a few scenes on a cowboy show that looks like a bad show. Now we are back to Sharon Tate playing some records. Then cut to yellow looking feet. Um gross. In the end it’s a happy ending for Sharon Tate, but not the 2 two other girls that got mutilated/destroyed.

Well…. Hmm…. The whole movie I kept fighting to like. I kept thinking, well that scene was cool, then I was bored. Then I was like wait where is this movie going, is it really just about Leo not getting good parts and some salt-n-pepper Manson Family stuff and non-stop shots of feet. Yep! They would show Mama Cass and you would get excited, then it would cut away from that scene. They would show Bruce lee and you would get excited, but he was barely in it. They would show Luke Perry, but he had like 2 lines. Every time I thought “Yesss”, it was a “nooo”. He is re-imagining history so why not have all these characters doing cooler things. Like Bruce Lee beating up Charles Manson or something. Instead most people are left confused, after Brad Pitt and Leo destroy 2 girls and guy that were a part of the Manson Family. Yes, I understand that those 3 people killed Sharon Tate and destroyed her in real life, but in the context of your movie we do not even know who they really are. I mean if you are in the audience and you are like 65 years old, then maybe you were like 15 when it happened. So maybe you know or remember the whole scoop. Your audience doesn’t know who these people are. They only know who Charles Manson is and his ass wasn’t there. If you don’t believe me ask someone around you. Who is Charles Manson and what did he do? The answer will be half ass I am sure.  So, Brad Pitt, who kills his wife for being a nag, also obliterated 2 more women. Then we are supposed to cheer for him. It felt weird, and I love horror movies and violence. WTF! Let’s face it, most people do not know history sooooo. Also in Inglourious Basterds they kill Hitler, which is great because the entire audience knows who Hitler is and what he has done, so it works. Let him die horribly, etc. I was with someone and they asked if Tex and Lulu were real. I said yes.

Listen I love Leo and it wasn’t that he was bad in this movie, it’s that he was kind of boring. I love Margot Robbie but she is wasted in this film. I am not a fan of Brad Pitt but he is okay in this movie too. The side characters are wasted though for sure. The movie is just boring, and the dialogue is not strong like his other films. Notice I didn’t say it was “long”. A movie can be 15 minutes long and still be boring as hell. Length is irrelevant to me.

It’s like you are teacher, and then your “A” student just turned in a “C” paper. Honestly I have enjoyed all his movies even “The Hateful Eight” (when people didn’t like it), and I really wanted to like this new film, but I couldn’t and I really feel disappointed about it. Once my favorite Director John Carpenter directed “Ghosts of Mars“, I kept telling people it was good, and it took me months to realize it wasn’t. Why? Because I didn’t want my favorite director to do something bad, but he did. Like I said I like Quentin’s movies but this one felt weak, flat and forgettable to me. Unless you love feet, then you will love it, they are all in this movie. I could ramble for days but in the end, it felt like Quentin Tarantino was told to make a Quentin Tarantino film. Like if you were told to make it, it would look this way.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Quentin Tarantino directed this it’s his 9th film. One more to go etc. Listen I have enjoyed all his movies that he has made and I felt this one was boring and like a bunch of puzzle pieces that didn’t fit together. The more I thought about it the more disappointed I became, because I do love all his movies, but not this one. It just wasn’t for me I guess. I know people are loyalists to their favorite directors and do not see the flaws or whatever.

I have learned never to argue with white guys who love Tarantino. They will stab you if you say you don’t love him.

B. Leonardo DiCaprio I love you and alway have. You were good in this movie, but I felt empty in the end. This picture even looks like this would be a fun scene. It wasn’t.

C. Brad Pitt I have always been indifferent about Brad over the years, he is fine in this movie I guess.

D. Mike Moh (Empire) did a good job playing Bruce Lee, but by the end of his scene you felt weird about it. They made him out to be this super hot headed jerk. Maybe he was a jerk, I didn’t know him. It just felt weird. Like if I am fan of someone I would not have put him in this light.

An article with Bruce Lee’s daughter talking about the films portray of Bruce.

https://news.avclub.com/shannon-lee-says-once-upon-a-time-in-hollywood-made-1836830395

 

E. Here is what Margot Robbie did the whole movie. Just stood places looking pretty etc. Literally her whole part in this film. It’s not even about being sexist. It’s about being boring. When you bore your audience you have failed as a filmmaker or anything really.

F. The soundtrack was full of 60’s songs. A lot of his movies do a great job connecting songs with scenes, that you will think of when you hear the song later. This movie didn’t real feel like that. Ya know, like you know the songs from Kill Bill and what scene they are in. No music in this film felt married to the scene.

G. This is the movie I wanted to see. 2 pics from a party scene in the movie. It was not the film I got.

H. There were non-stop commercials playing on the radio throughout the film. I hated that.

I. I wonder how the future will view/like his movies. Like in 50 years, when he is dead. I still think Kill Bill and Death Proof can be liked in the future.

J. Cute.

 

“Godzilla: King of the Monsters” or “Humans Suck in Monster Movies” – my fuckin review

Here is my review for “Godzilla: King of the Monsters“. I was super excited to see this movie. I love Godzilla and I love the Director Michael Dougherty.

Okay so the film begins with Millie Bobby Brown and her family. The world is shit and there are monsters asleep everywhere. Millie’s mom, Vera Farmiga, wakes all the monsters up with some new Monster Alarm Clock. Now Rodan and Mothra and King Gidorah are up and horny. So, Godzilla is back to stop them. Meanwhile all these humans are flying around in some kind of future plane. All the monsters fight, and you realize okay maybe you do need interesting characters even in a monster movie.

Okay so let me first say that the monsters look amazing, their fight scenes are incredible. Your mouth will be hanging fuckin open and Rodan is my hero and I love him. The score is pretty great too. Everything is loud and powerful, and you will be like holy shit. Now for the humans. They are honestly dumb and boring. I love the actors that were chosen too, but they were lifeless in their parts. The humans in the film are basically following the monsters around while also looking for Millie. Listen who gives a shit about this little girl in the movie. Who fuckin cares. I thought I could get over the dumb characters because the monsters are big and cool, but you can’t. You feel let down by the time the movie ends. It’s like you love half the movie and hate the other half. I don’t care about some dumb family when the world is ending. Fuck them.  Maybe I just hated the writing for these characters. It’s crazy how they really got half this movie so right and the other half so weird and forced. If you love Godzilla movies you will love seeing these giant critters banging, but you will not be able to relate to one person in this movie. See it on the big screen for the monsters, because on a small TV it will suck all the way.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Michael Dougherty  (Trick ‘r Treat, Krampus) I love you but I wish the characters were cooler or more real.

B. Kyle Chandler (Super 8, Catch-22 ) got on my nerves the whole movie. Sadly he will be back as this character in Godzilla vs. Kong

C. Vera Farmiga is really great in anything but here character is weird in this film.

D. Millie Bobby Brown  is boring and forgettable in this movie. Standing around staring is not acting or likable at all.

E. Honestly this is image pretty amazing.

F. Bear McCreary  (The Walking Dead, Happy Death Day , 10 Cloverfield Lane ) is a fun composer and I liked this score. Check it out.

G. I guess these are the Mothra twins but they don’t sing in this movie. It was huge missed opportunity.

G. These poster are amazing!

“Ma” or “The Party of the year” – my fuckin review

Here is my review for “Ma“. Listen maybe you are on the fence about this? or maybe you want to have a good time and see MA!

Okay the movie starts off with a mother and daughter moving to a new town. There the daughter meets the local teens and they all start hanging. One day they want to get lit as fuck but aren’t old enough to buy booze, so they see MA (Octavia Spencer) and ask her if she will buy the booze for them. She does but gets them to come over to her basement to party. It’s a good time and they all become friends until MA gets possessive and controlling and doesn’t want to drink alone. The shit gets crazy and people die! In the end you realize you have never partied until you partied with MA.

WOW! Okay I loved this movie and it really was crazy as fuck. Octavia Spencer is giving it to you in this. She is living her best goddamn life. Dancing, partying and killing. It is one of the most fun movies of the year. You will want to hang out with MA. I love that there are flashbacks to her in High School. Showing what made her angry. Like “Prom Night” etc. It feels like an 80’s horror movie at times for sure. I love when horror reflects what is going in society at that time. The lesson is shit you say and do in the past will come back and haunt you. Like on Facebook/Instagram in the real world today. The teens are fun and memorable, and you will like hanging with them for the length of the film. There are some crazy things they show in this movie and we are there for it. MA come through! You really will be entertained by this movie and want to see a sequel the second you leave the theater. Go so MA for a good time! I am buying this movie when it drops!

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Octavia Spencer was great in this film. She had fun with it and lived it! I hope they make MA 2: Spring Break

B. Ma’s theme song is amazing.

D. Juliette Lewis was great in this. I feel like I understand her more now that she is older.

E. Corey Fogelmanis (Mostly Ghostly: One Night in Doom House, PrankMe) was the teen twink in this and he got to make out with MA. Yes to all this fucked up shit!

F. Gregory Tripi composed the score (The Fix) sort of a new composer but I was into it. Take a listen

G. I want this poster. What I really want is a standee of MA to take pics with!

“Avengers: Endgame” or “The End Etc.” my fuckin review

Here is my review for “Avengers: Endgame“.

GO SEE THE FUCKIN MOVIE FIRST! SPOILER ALERT! Listen, whether you will love it or hate it, just go see it. You have never seen a movie like this in theater before. A 20 movie build up to one film. So many stars in one fuckin movie. A movie you literally know nothing about, no footage or anything. It was a complete surprise. Okay mostly.

This time the Avengers, that are alive, are back. It’s been 5 years and they are sad as fuck. Ant-man shows back up and has an idea about time travel, so they get everybody back together and go back in time to get the glove stones. Craziness ensues and eventually Thanos finds out and comes to the future to fight everyone again. It’s literally everyone and their moms fighting. In the end we learn that time travel really can solve all your problems and that Captain America’s ass is “America’s Ass”.

Okay so this movie is big and feels big. Everyone is in it and it’s a lot. It’s a fun ride for sure and you will enjoy it, even if you have seen all the films. If you have not seen them, then you will be lost as fuck. It really is nuts and something to see. There are some great fight scenes at the end of the movie that will have you cheering. That being said the movie is really in the 3 parts. In the first part of the film everyone is dead and they are sad as fuck and missing them. The second part is, okay let’s find everyone and get them back together. The third part is everyone is back together fighting. Listen this movie is longgggg. So, the first 2 parts feel long as hell. You also really do miss Spiderman and Black Panther in this movie. You notice they are not in the scenes this time. Everyone knows by now what these movies are about and who is in them. Marvel has set these movies up to feel all connected and they are. It really is it’s on genre now. Once again, more people live, and more people die. Will you be sad? I don’t know, I feel like people die and come back all the time in these films so much who cares anymore. Just see it and I am sure you will be into it. It’s the biggest movie of all time or some shit so you should watch it. Will I buy it? Probably not. I would not repeat watch it probably.

 

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. There is an action scene with all the women of Marvel popping off and it was fun to see. You are glad movies and the world are changing for the better, even if it’s slow as hell. I want to see an all female hero movie.

B. Chris Evans really plays this role well and you are interested. They made a joke about his ass and the audience agreed.

C. Pepper Potts is a lot. Hahaaha

D. Thor’s Big Lebowski character was cute for a minute, but they didn’t let it go. Maybe I am just not a fan of the Big Lebowski

E. Ant-Man is funny. We love Paul Rudd.

F. Alan Silvestri composed the score. Listen Alan is a legacy composer. We love him forever. A lot of the Marvel movies score are forgettable and generic. Alan Brought some fun stuff to this one though.

G. The posters represents the movie. Cluttered with people.

“Pet Sematary 2019” or “Sometimes Dead Is Better, When You Are Watching This Movie” my fuckin review

Here is my review for “Pet Sematary“. This is a remake of the original “Pet Sematary” or the book whatever. I was excited about seeing this movie I don’t mind remakes if they are good.

Okay so the Creed family moves into a new house. They are a happy family with 2 kids and a cat named Church. Everything is cool until they see the neighborhood kids wearing advanced paper mache animal masks. I still can’t make a mask this good, but the neighborhood are and crafts are popping off. Eventually the Church gets ran over by a truck and the this old pervert next door helps them bury their cat on this mountain hours away. The mountain is curse or sour but it brings dead shit back to life. The parents say and do stupid shit then, one fo the kids gets hit by a car looking for the cat. Now the dad is sad (sort of) and goes and buries the little girl on the mountain and she comes back to life, but she is talking and having shitty conversations. In the end you realize that everyone in this movie sucks.

Okay listen, yes I do like the original film, but now I think I love it. This film made me realize that the original Pet Sematary movie was great. This new film you will literally hate the entire cast. They are all boring and forgettable and no it’s not scary. If anything it’s dumb and funny. It’s supposed to take place in Maine but that is clearly Canada, with those thick ass woods. No New England accents either. It’s in the original movie and it sells it. You may think who cares. Well it’s a Stephen King movie. His whole schtick is New England shit. So they blew it.

They also flip the script and the little girls is the first dead person to come back, but she is terrible and it feels like everything is she says is forced. Her acting is fake and feels like and acting class. I am not picking a kid either, the original kid that played Gage is only 2 years old and he deserved an Oscar for his part. The new Gage is barely in it and useless. Louis and Rachel are just 2 dummies walking around and you want them to die. Nothing feels natural and I was bored watching it. Even the cat is just a plain old dirty tabby with hair gel. It’s too much and yet not enough. Skip this movie and go watch the original that just got remastered and released on 4K. This new movie forgettable and will be lost in horror movie time.

 

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. I hate Church in this movie. He is just a dirty Tabby.

B. I hate Jason Clarke (Louis) in this movie.

C.I hate Amy Seimetz (Rachel) in this movie.


D. I hate Jeté Laurence (Ellie) in this movie. She needed her ass whipped. The ground and  her attitude were sour.

E. I hate Hugo Lavoie (Gage) in this movie.

F. I hate John Lithgow (Jud) in this movie.

G. I hate Alyssa Brooke Levine (Zelda) in this movie.

H. The music was composed by one fo my favorite composers (Christopher Young) and it was forgettable. I am sad about this. Listen here.

I. It was directed by Kevin Kölsch,(Starry EyesDennis Widmyer (Starry Eyes ). It was forced, boring, and the actors looked lost.

J. The Original Gage (Miko Hughes) should have gotten a lifetime achievement award when he was in this movie at 2 years old!

Denise Crosby played the original Rachel and this speech she gives and this scene are incredible. Both the new Rachel and new Zelda are shit.

Mary Lambert directed the original movie and she really did and amazing job, and it’s more interesting to see a female perspective on Pet Sematary.

J. The Poster is cluttered.

 

 

“Giant Little Ones” or “Life is Fluid” my fucking review

Here is my review for “Giant Little Ones“.

Okay the film starts off with 2 best friends, Franky and Ballas. They have been friends since they were little and are very close. They both have girlfriends and are popular in High School. One night after a party and drinking Ballas gives Franky a Blow Jay and Ballas is weirded out. Franky tries to talk to him and but also tries to understand why he liked it. Eventually Ballas lets the school know, but says Franky gave him the Blow Jay. Now the school hates him and makes fun of him on the daily. Franky eventually starts hanging out with the school “Slut” and they become good friends and start dating, at the same time Franky is dealing with his dad being gay. In the end we learn to just be happy and go with what makes you smile in life.

This movie really is good! It’s emotionally and realistic and not what you think. The relationship between Franky and Ballas is sad, but what happens to them probably happens to some many people growing up. Best friends that love each other their whole lives then try something sexual together. People who love each other and are close end up getting closer. They are not in love but just love for each other. Josh Wiggins does a great job and his confusion and understanding for what is happening is realistic. Taylor Hickson has complex issues that she is dealing with but her understanding of the situation is authentic. You really like all the characters in this movie, and thy are relatable. If you want to see a sort of coming of age story about being honest with your emotions and trying to understand sexuality and how it’s not just black and white, but fluid and how that affects people’s lives then go see this movie. It was great movie with an interesting story. Go see it.

 

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Directed by Keith Behrman (The Stagers) and he did a great job with this film.

B. Josh Wiggins (Max) played Franky and he was real and believable. Also complex.

C. Taylor Hickson (Deadly Class, Deadpool) played Natasha. She was great and her character was honest and sad. She gave it to you.

D. Darren Mann (Chilling Adventures of Sabrina) played Ballas and he was the saddest character in the movie and so many people in real life are probably living his character’s life.

E. The score was composed by Michael Brook (The Fosters, Good Trouble) and I liked it. Check it out.

F. Listen just love who you want to love and be with who you want to be with. Try and be happy in this world.

G. This says it all.

 

“Shazam!” or “Foster Heroes Rule” – my fuckin review

Here is my review for “Shazam!“. Listen I think the character’s of Shazam and Bill Batson are fun, so I was excited to see this movie.

Okay the film starts off with Billy Batson and he is a runaway foster kid. He gets caught by the police and sent to a new foster home to live. There he meets his new foster brothers and sisters, but he is like fuck everyone. He ends up running away from some bullies and then bumps into a Wizard that gives him super powers. He turns into a 30-year-old when he says the word “Shazam”. Now Billy and his foster-brother Freddie try to figure out his powers and learn what it means to be a hero. Eventually a white guy shows up who is the villain and Billy has to enlist all his foster brothers and sisters to help. Will they stop this white bitch?

Okay I really had fun watching this movie. Yes, everyone is burned out on super hero movies, but there are some fun things about this one. Asher Angel and Jack Dylan Grazer and the other foster kids make this movie. They are funny and are smart asses. When the kids aren’t on-screen you keep thinking cut back to those kids. They really make this movie interesting and likable. I was not into the villain though. He was just a boring ass white man (Mark Strong), but I guess that’s real though. Those are the villains of today. Zachary Levi was believable and had fun with it. Playing an adult as a kid is always weird and hard to do. Kids aren’t that kid like in reality. They are smart as fuck and will tell you to fuck off. The score was pretty generic and boring. If you are looking for a theme song you will not remember any from this movie.

In the end when all the foster kids become heroes you are excited as fuck about this and I hope they make a sequel with all them in it. That movie seems even more fun. So if you are into a kids romp or you  are missing being a kid then this is the movie for you. There are some witty things in this film and the foster kids steal the show. No there is no dong jokes. If I was a kid then turned into a 30-year-old man, then I am looking at my new dong first.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. David F. Sandberg (Annabelle: Creation , Lights Out) directed this movie. Although I am not a fan of his 2 horrors, you can watch those films and see this director has some interesting things about his work. He did a good job with this film.

B. Zachary Levi (The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel , Chuck) did a good job as Shazam. You like him as the character and he fits the part.

D. The score was composed by Benjamin Wallfisch (It, Hellboy, A Cure for Wellness ) and it’s very generic to me. Take a listen.

E. Jack Dylan Grazer (It) has only really done 2 films and he is amazing in both. He is like a 50-year-old actor wrapped up in a kids body. He sold this movie the most and is the star of it. Give him a lifetime achievement award already.

Adam Brody (The O.C.) plays the adult version of Freddie. This great.

F. Ian Chen (Fresh Off the Boat) is funny as hell in everything. Literally he is my hero.

Ross Butler (13 Reasons Why, Riverdale) plays the adult him. This is great.

G. Foster kids before and after! They were fun and you really wanted to see more of them.

H. Asher Angel (Andi Mack) did a good job and his back story is sad. His ass will surely be a star one day.

I. Here is a collection of clips from Justice League and Young Justice showing off Shazam’s powers etc.

I. Cute. If I had super powers I would be a villain for sure. Just cuz I was bored.