“The Witch” or “Satanic Goats And Witch Titties Run!” – my fuckin review

Here is my review for “The Witch“. I have been waiting and waiting to see this movie for a while so I was excited. There has been a lot of horror buzz on this witch bitch. So here we go!!!!! The film takes place in New England, 1630 and there ain’t shit out there but a house that looks like a barn, busted candles, bootleg corn and creepy ass woods. So you will die from an all wheat diet. The movie is about this family that is kicked out of Fort Jesus and they have to go out and make it on their own. So they build a barn house and try to grow some corn. Little do they know but the woods are full of ugly ass naked witches with titties hanging out that love eating babies. Shit hits the fan when the children start looking at each other with that incest eye, because there is no internet or neighbors and the devil is lurking about. Their pet goat, Black Phillip, is dancing around with the twin kids and fucking shit up. Witches are running around on the roof of their crib. The corn is trashed. Rabbits are throwing them demonic shade! Their 12-year-old son is getting felt up by the neighborhood hags and walking around nude as fuck. The mom is just a bitch and just ugly. It’s a Satanic witchy playground and only 4 bales of hay are invited. Okay so I loved this movie. Yes, it’s creepy and fucked up etc. If you are looking for jump scares there aren’t any. It’s all build up. So at times it’s quiet and dialogue driven (Old English- Not everything is 2016 American English on Earth). Which is great. Then witchy satanic shit happens and you are like OH HELL NO BITCH get away from that goat. I can see why Satanists like this movie Haha. They give you that old witch tale shit. You know, the real evil witch stories. Not the Wizard of Oz bullshit. The ones that are naked hags and eating babies and shit, then they deal with Satan and such. Yes, Wiccans we all know this is not real, it’s a movie, chill out. The witches in this movie are generally scary and the ending is amazing. The kids are amazing and creepy in the their own way and have an incesty vibe thing going on which creeps you out too. Even one of the kids gets turnt out by a witch and possessed and has some kind of orgasmic bed scene. You are like WHAT THE FUCK, but it really adds to all the amazing scariness to the film. Because you are like UMMMMMM WHAT THE FUCK! It really is a great horror movie and you should see it. Just don’t be expecting chase scenes or shit jumping out at you. It’s scary on another level. Scary means a lot of things to a lot of people. Just go see it with an open mind. Just remember it’s a low budget period horror film. That’s pretty amazing. It’s not a “Saw” movie. The demon goat Black Phillip is amazing also. You will love him and see him in your room later that night! I did! RUN! I will see this movie again and buy it.

The Trailer:

The Witchy Facts:

A. Written and Directed by Robert Eggers he has mainly done short films, but he is someone to watch out for.

B. BLACK PHILLP is the star of this movie. He is my hero and deserves best actor at the Oscars next year.

C. What’s interesting about this movie is that this story was probably told thousands of times to kids in the 1600’s by Christians to scare the shit out of them so they wouldn’t be bad etc. Now when people watch this movie they will say the Director or the film is evil or some weird ass shit. Saying it’s Satanic when Christians created these evil tales as a way of controlling people.

D. There were many witches in this movie and they were nasty and naked as fuck. They were the real deal and baby haters. YES! People are scared of horror movies where babies and kids are being hurt.

E. Here is what you could do for entertainment in 1630. Dinner by candlelight, corn, and getting possessed.

F. The Music was composed by Mark Korven (Cube) and it was great and scary. Think “The Omen” and “2001: A Space Odyssey” Monolith score. Without this creepy amazing score this movie wouldn’t have had the scary punch it delivered. You can listen to the score here and there is an interview with the composer also on this link.

http://www.factmag.com/2016/02/16/stream-the-witch-score-mark-koven-interview/

This rabbit was not playing either.

G. The Satanic Temple supports this film haha read article below. Haha

http://bloody-disgusting.com/news/3378675/the-satanic-temple-to-support-and-tour-the-witch/

H. A list of the top witches ever.

https://eddieraysmoviereviews.wordpress.com/2013/10/09/my-top-20-witches-2013-is-year-of-the-witch-you-bitch/

I. I dressed up as witch for Halloween in 2013.

J. The horror community is split on this film because they are saying it’s not scary. Which I assume means there aren’t jump scares and chase scenes. Maybe there is not enough witch screen time. It’s not really in your face and there is a lot of build up and character development. Not there is anything wrong with those types of horror movies either those are great and fun also. This one is just different. It takes place in 1630. The dialogue and language is different. It is supposed to be like the “The Crucible” and Salem Witch trials. Ya know like real witch shit in the time they were supposedly popping off, not the hokey kind of today. Maybe people just aren’t into period horror movies. I get where the director was coming from for sure. I hope that horror fans check this movie out and re-check it out. Horror films need critical wins. We all know horror movies make money but they can win Oscars too.

K. I want this poster.

“Unfriended” or “Don’t Film Your Friends Passed Out And Shitting Themselves Or You Will Die” -my fuckin review

Here is my review for “Unfriended“. Okay so I was like the title to this movie is too real and I finally got to see it and now I wished I saw it sooner. So this film is literally a computer screen the whole movie. Now I know what your bitch ass is thinking “Oh no fuck this shit” and “how can I watch a computer screen for that long?” Ummmmm bitch, you are watching one all day and then you get up and look down at your phone while you are walking to the movie theater and then while the movie is playing you are still looking at your goddamn phone. So honestly this is the fuckin movie you have been waiting for. I honestly was into it the first 5 minutes. Basically it’s about this group of friends talking about shit through Skype in a chatroom and they are being haunted by a girl who killed herself a year ago. She killed herself due to a video that was posted of her drunk and shitting herself. It was a nasty business. Now she is back for revenge on these assholes. She won’t let them hang up on Skype and scary shit is afoot when you can’t unfriend that bitch on Facebook. It basically takes online bullying to a nightmarish new level. I loved watching this movie and it was entertaining and fun. I was right there with it the whole time. I loved that they were all assholes and you were trying to find out who posted the video. I loved that it was a ghost back for revenge on the internet. I loved when you do fucked up shit it will come back to haunt you. It was a step beyond found footage in a way. You felt like it was your screen and that bitch was after you. You can’t fuck with someone from hell that is taking over your screen. When a demon uploads a photo you can’t untag that shit. GOD HELP ME! I would literally jump out the window if my phone and computer didn’t work. That is true terror. So if you want to see a cool and weird ass horror movie about an internet revenge horror from hell then this is the movie for you. I loved it and I bought the bitch on Blu Ray.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. You can’t unfriend the dead.

B. If you film your friend doing fucked up shit and she kills herself. That bitch is coming back to get you.

C. Literally my life story. Even when the dead are after you. You will still check that Facebook.

D. It was a lot of fun figuring out stuff with the characters on who did what and watching the ghost upload private videos haha. I also loved that literally everyone in the movie was an asshole. Even the ghost.

E. There was even a sex scene via Skype! haha Made sense too.

F. Someone was saying why don’t they just turn of their computers or get off Skype but the ghost was like “turn that shit off and you will die”. So they didn’t, but I assume the ghost doesn’t work with an On or off switch anyway. So they was fucked period.

G. I love this poster.