“The Maze Runner” or “Lost (TV Show) in a Maze”- my fuckin review

Here is my review for “The Maze Runner“. Okay I kinda wanted to see this movie and kinda didn’t. So I finally watched it and honestly I enjoyed it. The film starts off and you don’t know what the fuck is going on. This guy named Thomas (Dylan O’Brien) is being sent up in an elevator to the middle of this field that is also in the middle of a gigantic maze. There are a shit load of other boys living/trapped there and trying to survive. It’s basically the who’s who of young new Hollywood (Aml AmeenKi Hong LeeThomas Brodie-SangsterWill Poulter, etc). There Thomas finds out that they all are trapped and some of them are trying to map the maze so they can find a way out. They are Maze Runners. None of the boys can remember who they really are or how they got there. It really is a mystery and feels a lot like the TV Show “Lost” at times. Eventually scary shit pops off and there are spider like creatures in the maze and girl is sent up the elevator named Teresa (Kaya Scodelario). She is the only girl there. Shit hits the fan and some of the boys don’t want to leave because they are scared shitless. It gets a little Lord of the Flies. In the end all this crazy shit happens in the maze that I don’t want to spoil. It answers a few things, but really just makes you go WHAT THE FUCK! Honestly I can’t wait for the sequel now “Maze Runner: The Scorch Trials“. So yeah I really enjoyed watching this movie more than I thought I would. It was interesting, entertaining and they didn’t feed you the answers. Honestly you still don’t know what’s going on at the end of the movie, which I loved. I’m not a huge fan of the newer dystopian/future films that have been coming out lately. They all seem so similar, which is why I didn’t rush out to see this one. Plus there are so many lately (InsurgentDivergentThe Hunger Games movies, The GiverOblivion, Elysium). This film is more fun to me and keeps you guessing about shit and even in the end you are still trying to figure out the answers. I do love films where the characters are trapped and have no way out. Also the end is great.  So if you love dystopian teens, mazes, spiders demons, Lost the TV Show, twists and turns, and not everything summed up in the end then this is the movie for you. I dug it and it was fun to watch. My favorite out of this new batch of Dystopian films. Check it out, it’s a fun film. 

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Dylan O’Brien is likable and is believable. You may remember him from Teen Wolf (TV Series).

the-maze-runner-featured

B. Directed by Wes Ball, this is pretty much all he has done. He is also directing the sequel. 

C. I liked all these characters.

The-Maze-Runner

D. Here are ways to get out of a maze.

http://www.wikihow.com/Find-Your-Way-Though-a-Maze

E. OMG Demon spider things in the maze. Run bitch! Also Kaya Scodelario is Effy Stonem from the TV show Skins!

wired_design-fx-the-maze-runner-exclusive-building-the-mechanical-grievers-complex-maze-set the-maze-runner-teresa-thomas

F. The music was composed by John Paesano (Superman/Batman: ApocalypseDaredevil TV Series). Here is a sample. It was interesting and someone to look out for. 

G. I hope they make the 3rd one too. The Maze Runner: The Death Cure!

maze-runner-trilogy

 

Part 2.

Scorch_Trials_Concept_Art

Trailer for Part 2. Don’t watch if you have not seen part 1!

H. Thomas Brodie-Sangster is also Ferb from Phineas and Ferb!

tumblr_ndsrrqgZlf1twn844o2_1280 profile_picture_by_ask_ferb_fletcher-d5qwjiz

I. Cute.

maze-runner-poster

“Jurassic World” or “Go Dumb or Go Home” my fuckin review

Here is my review for “Jurassic World“. Okay so I love watching the Jurassic films, even though part 2 and 3 have plot holes etc. At all these films basic levels it’s dinosaurs chasing people and that is fun to watch. So that being said this new movie is similar. This movie is obviously not going to be as good as “Jurassic Park“. Meanwhile people have asked what I think about this new one and I say “It’s a fun ride, just don’t think about it too much or it will derail on you and then you will die”. So If you want a fun ride and don’t care about characters, plot, score, etc. then just stop reading this review or other bitches movie reviews. Just go to the movies and watch them and go home and hug your kids and love America or whatever it is you do. So go in dumb and come out dumb and you will be happy as Universal studio. Okay that was your way out! Also don’t get made at me, I didn’t make the goddamn movie!

Okay the film starts off like 20 years later or so. Now Jurassic Park is open for business and it’s called Jurassic World. It’s big and pretty and I want to go there. There are rides and attractions and bars and shit. Judy Greer plays an emotional mother who sends her two sons to Jurassic World and literally cries the rest of the movie and shits on Claire for not having kids. There the 2 boys are supposed to hang out with their Aunt Claire (Bryce Dallas Howard) but she doesn’t have time for them because she runs the entire park, wears a white suit with high heels, is too controlling, doesn’t like kids, doesn’t like animals, and is just an asshole. So she sends the kids to go hang out with her female assistant. The boys ditch the assistant fast. Meanwhile Chris Pratt is training female raptors to…… perform, kill, not kill, love him? Who knows, but they love him for some reason. The same reason the audience does probably. Now enter the villain, he is some shitty military guy who wants to use raptors as weapons. Yes, I am serious. He wants to drop them off in some Non-American country and then I guess the raptors would eat everyone and then run the country. You know like they do with lions and bears now. Oh they don’t do that? Oh well. He is the worst villain ever. Meanwhile back to Claire who is dealing with a new breed of dinosaur they creating called Indominus Rex or iRex for short. Yes, she is still wearing the white suit and high heels in the jungle. She goes to get Chris Pratt to help her understand the iRex? I think. Oh no, its super smart and gets free. Now the park is in danger girl. People are getting eaten and now the boys are out staring at girls cuz the older one wants down their pants and also they are driving around in a hamster ball made of glass or plastic powered by the magic of Jimmy Fallon. Earlier it’s set up that the older teen boy doesn’t want to date or believes in love because he has a girlfriend that he doesn’t love and is now cheating on her ass. He just wants dat ASS! Now Claire enlists the help of Chris Pratt the Alpha Male (his words not mine) to go rescue the boys from the evil dinosaur, who kills out of hate or spite or some shit. Not because she is hungry! She is a fuckin serial killer!!!!! YES, well maybe. Who knows? Now Claire (still wearing high heels in the mud) and Chris Pratt are on the run and the boys really don’t need their help. Shit hits the fan when the pterodactyls get free and start attacking the park and eating people. Wait I don’t think they were eating people they were just grabbing them and playing. Then the most gruesome death in the film occurs when Claire’s assistant gets picked up and tossed around in the air by a few pterodactyls then taken to the water and drowned, then thrown back into the air then eaten by the Whale-A-Saurus. She had a villains death. What did she do to deserve such a horrible death? She wasn’t watching the kids close enough I guess. Evil! Meanwhile the military wants the raptors to find the iRex, they are real serious about using raptors as weapons. This plot seems so 80’s to me. So Chris Pratt punches the military guy then agrees to do it right after that and talks to his raptor girlfriend about it. They all ride motorcycles to search for the iRex. Meanwhile more running from dinosaurs and Claire still has the white suit on with high heels. In the end all the dinosaurs team up against the evil iRex dinosaur in a big wrestling match and Claire runs away from a T-Rex in high heels. We all learn that if dinosaurs can be best friends then can’t humans be also. 

Okay so let me first start off by saying again that it’s a fun ride and if you stop at that then their you go. If you are looking for more in your films, ya know like characters, plot, score, etc. then there is a problem. If you think all movies are like a ride at SIX FLAGS then you will love that shit. Just ride the fuckin Scream Machine but don’t analyze the wood or don’t ask the 16-year-old working the controls any questions because you may not like what he has to say to you about his daddy issues. I guess when I start to think about the movie I think about the dumb ass characters first. To me characters are the most important part of any film. You should be able to take them out of the film and place them in another setting and you should still think they are cool or memorable or whatever. These characters are not.

Chris Pratt is the most memorable, but it’s because he is Chris Pratt. We love him as Chris Pratt. Not the character. He is a lovable dude. Even though in this film he talks about being an Alpha Male and wanting to control raptors, and bang Claire when she shows up at his door. It’s like we get it, you are a man. I guess we all flirt, but not with co-workers. Gross. Then there is Claire, who is honestly the worst character in this film, and deserves the award for worst female in a film for 2015. It’s like, what is your character bio “Controlling, emotionless, asshole, who hates kids, hates animals, who wears high heels to run away from monsters”. She does change her tune but only when Chris Pratt says it’s okay to love animals and kids and his dick. Then they kiss. Thank god he taught her emotion. WTF! It’s 2015 and I bring up the high heels a lot because it’s such a huge joke in horror movies (any movie really) and it’s makes the females in old horror movies come across as dumb. In real life they would take that shit off. In the movies, because a man wrote it, they keep them on while they are running and fall and die because it looks sexy. It’s fuckin stupid 80’s shit. Everybody knows the joke and it’s dumb and fuckin stupid. It’s insulting to everyone in the audience. The heels are a symbol of all the other shit. It’s not just one thing, it’s a buildup and multiple layers of dumb shit. The white outfit, the controlling stereotypical attitude, comments that she doesn’t like sex, or kids, or being a mother, etc. then the heels in mud. Get real. This year we have seen the amazing female character Furiosa in “Mad Max: Fury Road” and you give us this stupid shit. Hell we have seen Sarah Connors, and Ripleys, etc. Even the other women in the film like Claire’s sister who just cries and cries every time they show her. Ya know cuz women just cry a lot cuz they are so emotional or shit on other women because they don’t have kids or are not married. You don’t have to be married or have fuckin kids to be happy in this world or even to be a woman. Right? I am not a woman though. Then the female assistant who was literally destroyed like a villain character. I mean her death was fucking nuts. I’m all for fucked up death shit in movies, but why her? I didn’t know if I was supposed to clap or cry. 

Like I said earlier the older teen boy was like all about that ass. I get it we all like ass, but it’s the way it’s presented and the film it’s presented in. He was staring at girls creepily and rapey. That scene at the hamster ball he looks like he is going to fuckin jump that girl. I was like ummmm weird. It’s odd they show his girlfriend at the beginning of the film and she say she loves and he doesn’t say it back. So technically he is cheating on her and looking for ass. You know just a typical cheating horny male but at 16 years old in a PG film. The pay off for his character would have been him getting laid I guess?  I guess the 2 boys together as brothers were okay once you get passed the older one rape staring all the time, I mean one was bored and one wasn’t. That’s real I guess. I’m glad they were actually doing shit on their own, even if it was dumb shit sometimes. I hated when the adults showed up and treated them like they were dumb ass kids when they literally just fixed a 2o year old car by themselves. Yeah I know that can’t happen. Tires will not last 2o years just sitting somewhere and neither will gasoline or wires and shit. On to the military dude, I mean this character is annoying and just cheesy as fuck. He even stands fuckin cheesy. Raptors as weapons? Hahaha SYFY Channel logic. I wish someone really high up in the military would write a real review and say “NO we love machine guns we don’t want bears, or lions, or raptors to kill for us”. I guess I wish the characters would have been cooler and more memorable. Then you will say but Eddie this movie is about the dinosaurs. Is it? Is the movie Halloween just about Michael Myers? No! It’s about Laurie Strode and her friends and they are cool as fuck. I want to hang out with all of them. Fuck Michael. Even in Jurassic Park Dr. Ian MalcolmDr. Ellie Sattler and Dr. Alan Grant are memorable. Laura Dern is smart, fun, tough, sexy, emotional, real, outfit appropriate, and not fuckin stupid. That was in 1993! Now this new Claire character takes us back to 1980. Thanks.

I guess the story really is the same as the first film. There is park, dinos get out, kids are lost, they are found, and a big showdown. It is missing those thought out/memorable Steven Spielberg action sequences for sure though. There is action, but there is also a lot of standing around and talking about bullshit like a terrible military plot, divorce, and how to control raptors. Chris Pratt being able to control dinosaurs is weird to me, but I guess whatever. At one point the main raptor and Chris look like they have a moment and are in love. I’m serious. If I had kids I would have covered their eyes. Then I was confused on how all the dinos knew the iRex was evil. Then I was like wait, why is that one evil? It’s a fuckin animal. They all hungry and shit and will eat you. What makes one more evil than the other ones. They all got teeth. Fuzzy logic! I guess the first Jurassic Park film was coming at you with real science and was trying to teach your ass about dinosaurs and how they might have been and looked for real. Bitch you were learning. This one was like fuck it. You dumb! Here is an iRex. I mean the dinosaurs did look cool running around and shit. They did in all of the films. It looked all CGI this time though. Like I said when you think about it, it hurts. I could probably just keep writing and writing but will just stop.

So if you love dinosaurs, the first 3 films, can cut off logic and reasoning, don’t care that women look dumb in films, and just want to ride a ride then this is the movie for you. I did have fun watching the dinosaurs, but the nano second I thought about anything it derailed and killed me. Go see it, just literally go dumb and pretend it’s 1980. Maybe your mothers, girlfriends, sisters, daughters will not notice they are being shit on in it. Also for gods sakes do not see it twice you will notice all this shit!

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Bryce Dallas Howard as Claire is the worst. Her character is the worst. Her outfit is the worst. Her high heels are the worst. I read Bryce wanted to keep her high heels on to stay true to her character so that makes Bryce the worst. Look at her next to Laura Dern. Dern is giving you Jurassic realness. Then Claire is forgettable trash. She did know how to use a road flare though. 

Don’t believe me? Then read this other article about how Claire sets women back 30 years.

http://www.vulture.com/2015/06/jurassic-world-feminism.html?om_rid=AACJDG&om_mid=_BVezpGB9Cf7qaY

Still don’t believe me. Ask Joss Whedon (Avengers: Age of UltronBuffy the Vampire Slayer), who says “… and I’m too busy wishing this clip wasn’t ’70s-era sexist. She’s a stiff, he’s a life-force — really? Still?”

http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/heat-vision/joss-whedon-slams-jurassic-world-787998

Bryce Dallas Howard and Chris Pratt in a scene from the trailer for the motion picture

This shot is literally in the movie. A woman running from a T-Rex (monster) in high heels. The most made fun of horror cliché ever. I have seen films where they are making a statement/commentary about women wearing high heels in horror as cliché. That makes sense. This is not one of those times. This is stupid and not real.

11402643_10153430466934614_2670971859217514900_o

B. This film is directed by Colin Trevorrow (Safety Not Guaranteed). I’m not impressed. Even though I hate Michael Bay and I hope he dies at least he knows he is a sexiest douche bag. This guys doesn’t realize he is I think. Here he is talking about Claire’s character, Trevorrow said, “There’s no need for a female character that does things like a male character, that’s not what makes interesting female characters in my view.” Haha I guess keep them dumb dumbs and pretty with high heels on. That’s interesting to him. Get real. I hope that in part 2 he puts the focus on fun characters, a logical plot and smart/real women. 

Also more proof I am not the only one thinking this WOMP WOMP.

http://io9.com/jurassic-world-the-spoiler-faq-1712042566

C. Chris Pratt is entertaining in anything. He could play Hitler and he would probably be likable somehow. So remember that’s what you liked. Not the character but the person. He is like your best friend who is in a movie so we like whatever part he plays. 

Chris Pratt in a scene from the trailer for the motion picture

D. I love scenes where groups of people are running and screaming. Basically this movie is a big budget version of “Jaws 3-D“.

margaritaville

E. Nick Robinson (The Kings of Summer) and Ty Simpkins (Insidious) were okay in this movie and are even great in other movies. I just wish they seemed more real in this one and not one note teens/kids. 

1. Older pissed off/creepy horny teen. 

2. Cry baby annoying younger brother. 

JURASSIC-WORLD-8

F. I loved the Shamu Dinosaur. But due to the movie “Blackfish” I wanted to see him free.

hgxfysec5xcn2odalxro

G. My favorite dinosaur was little Sally Peanut the baby Triceratops.

11165329_10153380366179819_749178921369080354_n

H. Vincent D’Onofrio is shit in this movie. His character is lame. His plot is lame. His stance is lame. DIE!

kJE2oET

I. The score was composed by Michael Giacchino (Super 8LostLet Me InAliasDawn of the Planet of the Apes). I was hoping for something more memorable. He used score from the original Jurassic Park and that was great, but honestly that’s all I was feeling. Here is the best track.

J. The assistant had a name. It was ZARA (Katie McGrath). She was destroyed in this movie. We will never know the reason she died so horribly in this movie. Maybe she was the real villain. Maybe cuz she was on the phone. Maybe the director hated her. RIP ZARA.

“It’s the first female death by dinosaur in the Jurassicfranchise… And that one was a brutal death, wasn’t it? She was tortured.” said Bryce Dallas Howard. You are Ron Howard’s daughter. WTF!

tumblr_nkjaxiMvBj1qazlk1o1_500

K. Here are some other opinions from people I know. Too funny.

Melissa Payne It’s like “Jurassic Park”, but with smart phones.

James Yates It was fun! Like one of those Megadon vs. Troglasour Syfy movies! I considered giving it a 6 but then remembered it is supposed to be JURASSIC FUCKING PARK.—my original words.

Max Fisher “In these post-Furiosa times, the humans of Jurassic World belong in the stone age”.

Zahir Merchant This quote about Jurassic World is brought to you by Samsung.

Allison Maier A mermaid at Weeki Wachee told me it was “really good” and she “loved it”

Silas Fiction Jurassic shart.

Cody Ziglar The most unrealistic part of having a dinosaur park in Central America is that it’s staffed almost exclusively by gringos.

John-Paul Ward Life is too short and we’ve been denied a good sequel for too long to let one dumb redhead ruin the movie.

Blake Hutchins That movie set dinosaurs back 65 million years. Every scene had me shaking my head, trying to hide my shame from sitting in the theater. Afterwards, I had to go home and wash the bullshit off before it infected my memory of the other Jurassic movies.

Dave W. Campbell Why were the raptors changing sides like that shit was Mission Impossible? That movie should have committed to being about dinosaurs eating people, I didn’t need all that sitcom character development.

Alicia May Two quotes I remember laughing at where: scientist “cats are monsters to a canary, we are just used to being cats” and two: when Chris Pratt said “what happened to the sibling” and the dumb Claire chick said “she ate him”.

Jason DeMarco Didn’t watch it because Chris Pratt motorcycle races with Velociraptors. So: video.

Madeline Brumby I want a pet raptor!

Ryan Cabe I can safely say that Chris Pratt’s package was the true star of this film.

L. I mean it’s the biggest movie ever now, so I guess who cares. Part 2 coming soon. Next time I hope humans are not even in it. The first film really was a magical mother fucker though. Watch and remember. The music, the action, the animatronics, the characters, the story, etc.

M. I could be wrong about everything. I am not a women and maybe I’m an asshole. Maybe I expect to much from movies. I should just take a muscle relaxer and just watch them on drugs or some shit.

N. Hamster Ball failed logic.

11707609_10204428432331398_4064086657824434038_n

O. Cute. Raptors can be heroes too.

jurassic-world-own-raptors-poster

“Tomorrowland” or “George Clooney Goes to Magic Land” my fuckin review

Here is my review for “Tomorrowland“. Okay so Tomorrowland starts off in the 6o’s and George Clooney is young and hopeful at the World’s Fair. There he gets a fancy pin that invites him to the magical future/alt reality of Tomorrowland. A place where scientists, inventors, robots, and elitists live. It’s like a Utopia set up by a white people who think they can better the world. Think Portland. Now cut to today. The world is a mess, I guess? Now people know more about Pollution, there is an African-American President, Women’s rights, Gay rights, Transgender rights, a Woman is running for President, equal rights in general, etc. Wow what a mess. Wait a minute. It seems a lot better to me now than in the 60s? I’m confused? YES, the world is better now, well unless you’re a straight white racist male. Then it’s hell on Earth. Am I a right kids?

Anyway this young girl named Casey Newton gets a another fancy pin to Tomorrowland and goes on an adventure to try to find out how to get there, she runs into crazy ass robots, and a helpful young robot girl named Athena. I liked her and she was fun. Then she teams up with a now grown up George Clooney who helps her get to Tomorrowland. Now Tomorrowland is not what she thought it would be and there she learns a weird sort of Coca-Cola commercial message about the world ending. It’s about if we (the audience) would have kept dreaming the way we did in the 60’s the world would have been better today in 2015. HUH? What now? Wait a minute? I’m literally confused. Honestly I was having Disney PG fun on this adventure the entire movie. I was having a good time watching it and I was on board this Disney fuckin ride. Then we took a weird confusing left turn. So wait, run that by me again. We ruined the world because we don’t dream like we did in the 60’s, so that’s why we fucked up the Earth. Now it’s an apocalypse? Ummmmmmmm I know this. Tomorrowland don’t want me in it. Because I curse a lot, and can be vulgar, and I like trashy things. That’s just the start. I feel like people did keep dreaming or hoping or trying or whatever because the world is better today. So I’m glad we ruined the world? I’m confused. The writer of the TV shows “Lost” wrote this movie so this all makes sense to me now. You made a cool ride then that shit derails at the end. You will have fun watching it, then at the end you will be lost and will get mixed messages. I’m not a fan of the 60’s because I was not born then I guess. Yes it was a simpler time, but I’m not simple bitch. I really do like Britt Robertson (Casey) in this movie. She is fun and seems real to me. I want to see her in other shit. George Clooney is always entertaining in anything. I guess this kind of safe, clean, weird, white, happy future just doesn’t make sense anymore. I kept calling it “Magic Land” not “Tomorrowand” because it’s not the future. It’s magic, because it’s not real. So if you believe in magic, Disney, are white, PG, think America is a nightmare in 2015, are racist, wish for a brighter/whiter tomorrow, love George Clooney then this movie is for you. Wait for Netflix.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Directed by Brad Bird (The Iron GiantThe IncrediblesRatatouille). All great animated movies. 

B.  I like Britt Robertson a lot. She seems real and believable. Maybe because she was in Scream 4. She is cool in this movie.

maxresdefault

Dead in Scream 4

scream4deletedbluray8

C. This movie was written by Damon Lindelof who also wrote the Lost TV series, PrometheusStar Trek Into DarknessWorld War Z, and The Leftovers. Do you see a theme here. Cool ideas but in the end Womp Womp. 

D. Tomorrowland looked a little to clean and PG for me. I assume they would kick me out for being to vulgar or whatever. The ride Tomorrowland was made in the 50’s and it was a 50’s perception of the future. So that was a little too white, clean, straight, etc. for me. Haha. That’s why I call that shit Magic Land. Because it is not the future, it’s not real. But a bitch can dream I guess. Haha

E. George Clooney is entertaining in anything. His best role was in The Facts of Life.

Facts-Of-Life--George-Clooney-jpg

F. Michael Giacchino (Jurassic WorldSuper 8LostLet Me InAliasDawn of the Planet of the Apescomposed the score. It really is amazing. I love it.

Listen this track I love it.

G. The toys for this movie look like shit dogs. I mean for fucks sakes try a little harder.

Tomorrowland_Toy_Fair_10

H. Haha his poster is terrible. Is this for kids to put on their fuckin walls? I would be terrified.

tomorrowland_ver6_xlg

“Insidious: Chapter 3″ or “You Got That Swamp Foot Demon In Your Crib”- My fuckin review

Here is my review for “Insidious: Chapter 3“. I love these “Insidious” movies because they are fun and scary, so I was excited to watch this shit. Okay so this time it’s a prequel and all three of these movies tie in together pretty well. I’m not sure why they went this route but they did for whatever reason. Maybe because Lin Shaye’s character died at the end of part 1 and she is the real star of these movies so it was a way to bring her ass back. Meanwhile there is a new family played by Dermot Mulroney and Stefanie Scott. They live in an apartment building and shit starts hitting the fan when the teen girl starts trying to contact her dead mommy. She goes to see Lin Shaye but this is pre Insidious, so Lin ain’t into demon fighting just yet. Now the teen girl is on her on and both her legs are broke as fuck. You ain’t running that’s for sure. A demon show up wearing an oxygen mask and scaring the she shit out of me and everyone in the audience. Yes, I jumped twice. Yes, I never jump!!!! I know, they got my ass. Something happens on a street early on and it really scared the shit out of me. Haha Anyway crazy shit happens and the demon who can’t breathe has swamp foot and keeps leaving dirty footprints everywhere. They decide to call in some ghost hunters that you will remember as Tucker and Specs from the first 2 Insidious films! Now Lin Shaye is popping off because the demon comes to see her and she is pissed. So she puts on a sensible outfit and her demon fighting power scarf and goes to help shut these fuckers down. She is literally tossing demon bitches. In the end you find out how it all began. Okay so this movie really is creepy and scary and you will have fun watching it. Is it as good as the first 2? No. Does it work as a trilogy? Yes. I love Lin Shaye’s character and I’m glad she is back. She and her scarf are the real stars. I was bored with the new family, Dermot and Stefanie just ain’t enough. They are okay, but just not memorable at all. You will be bored with them too. Honestly though you will jump watching this movie and be scared at home thinking about those swamp foot demons in the corners of your bed. Go see it and get scared. There are a few surprise demon cameos too! So if you love the first 2 Insidious films, being scared, Lin Shaye, Swamp foot demons, and Broke legs then this is the movie for you. I enjoyed it and would watch it again with a crowd even though the new family is a drag.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Dermot Mulroney and Stefanie Scott bored me, even though this pic is amazing. Stefanie Scott will also be playing Kimber in the Jem and the Holograms movie. 

insidious_chapter_three_ver5_xlg-620x400

B. Never stand in the middle of the street or you will get hit by a car.

C. Leigh Whannell plays Specs and is also the Writer and Director of this film. He also wrote InsidiousInsidious: Chapter 2SawJames Wan directed the first 2 Insidious films. They best friends I guess.

D. If you try to talk to the dead, then the dead will talk back. Lin Shaye says if you call out to one of the dead then all of them can hear your ass! SHIT TRUE. SHUT THE FUCK UP BITCH!

E. Lin Shaye is back as Elise Rainier. She plays the sensibly dressed psychic in all 3 films. She is great in all of these movies and is the real fuckin star. In this movie she is tossing demons and calls one a bitch! She doesn’t pop off until she puts her trade mark sensible scarf on. Then she is unbreakable. 

InsidiousP8

 

Where can I get this super scarf????

lin-shaye

F. Tucker and Specs are back. You may have noticed Tucker aka Angus Sampson as The Organic Mechanic in Mad Max: Fury Road and in Fargo the TV series as Bear Gerhardt. 

22383_826839027369952_6354436543594664437_n

G. Michael Reid MacKay is the demon “The Man Who Can’t Breathe”. He also played The Mummy in The Monster Squad

Here he is in Insidious 3 as “The Man Who Can’t Breathe”.

wondercon-2015-insidious-chapter-3-the-man-who-cant-breathe

Here he is as The Mummy too.

Mummy_Monster_Squad

H. I think we made these lanterns in 1st grade.

1284075665517297957

I. Joseph Bishara is the composer for all 3 films and his scores are scary and tense as fuck. His shit is great. He also plays the Lipstick-Face Demon in Insidious, Bathsheba in The Conjuring, Demonic Figure in Annabelle, and Lipstick-Face Demon Insidious: Chapter 3.

J. Don’t ever hang out a window when there are demons after you or even look out a fuckin window.

stefanie_scott_insidious_3_cap_uI1hEoiY.sized

K. I love this films series posters. They are interesting.

Insidious-3-Poster1-700x1037

 

 

“Poltergeist” or “Quiet Ghosts That Nobody Is Afraid Of, Not Even The Cast”- my fuckin review

Here is my review for “Poltergeist“. Okay so the original “Poltergeist” is an amazing film with an amazing score, and I’m also not against remakes, re-dos, remixes or reboots. The movie starts off and a moody family is moving into what they say is poor town, but what looks like a normal suburban neighborhood. Everyone is on their cellphone, iPod or iPhone. As they unpack they start hearing spooky shit, and find and old ass clown doll that looks silly more than scary. Then they are attacked by a crazy squirrel that is flying around the room. Later the parents go out to dinner with some shitty rich friends who make fun them for living in the ghetto. While they are out the ghost shit hits the fan and their little boy is attacked by the clown doll and is sucked out the window by a tree, the teen daughter is sucked into muddy floor, and “Not Carol Ann” is sucked into the closet which is really purgatory. The parents finally come home and don’t call the police and believe everything pretty fast. I’m all for believing your family about crazy shit, but your daughter was just sucked into the closest/purgatory and is talking through the TV and that is a hard fucking thing to process fast. Meanwhile they go get help from a goofy ass parapsychologist who then calls in this TV ghost hunter that is somehow a household name. Tell me one ghost hunter on TV right now that is a household name? I know a few, but I love ghost hunting shows. Meanwhile he comes in with cheesy ass lines and tries to help them get “NOT Carol Ann” back. Now they decide they should send a drone into purgatory to check it out first. Ummmm now do what? In purgatory they run into spirits that look like CGI zombies, not spirits. Then the little boy decides he is going to run into to save his little sister. He must love his sister a lot. I’m an adult and would debate living that little bitch in there. I mean this is a lot to deal with. This aint running into a burning building. This is some heavy goddamn shit. I get a mother running in to get her daughter, cuz mothers you know, but a little boy who is scared shitless. Get real. Anyway in the end blah blah blah. Okay this movie seems like it was so rushed. Shit doesn’t make sense because either it was cut out or not shot at all. It’s like a crunched up version of the original. The real problem though is that nobody is really acting like they give a shit about what is happening to them in the film at all. Nobody is scared or emotional about anything. You would be fuckin shitting your pants. You would be crying and hysterical, because this shit is fucked up! It’s seems empty and fast. It really just makes you miss the original one. I’m not against remakes and some have been great ones. This one is not. Honestly why even remake it when you can pay homage to it like “Insidious” did or “The Conjuring”. Both those movies did and they were amazing, and they also had a new take on it without remaking “Poltergeist”. Meanwhile in this film drones are being sent into purgatory, Irish ghost hunters replace Tangina, and teen girls are literally almost dying but still have time to say “I’m sorry for being a bitch dad”. Did I hate this movie? No, because it just doesn’t matter. Just watch the original or the updated versions “Insidious” or “The Conjuring”. So if you love bad remakes then this movie is for you. It was not for me and in a matter of months nobody will remember this film at all.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. The original Freelings seem like a real family to me. They were even smoking pot for fucks sake. I mean that’s as real as it gets. These new Bowens seem like emotionless assholes. Shit maybe that’s the new real.

B. The ghost looked like CGI zombies. Like a video game. Video games aren’t scary to me.

C. Sam Rockwell is the best thing in this movie but that is not enough. I think he robbed a store a one point. We are not sure still.

D. In this new Poltergeist nobody acts like they even give a shit or that they are even scared at all. In the old Poltergeist. Everyone is screaming and hysterical. If the film’s cast doesn’t look scared then the audience watching it will not be scared it either.

Look at JoBeth Williams in the original. I’m scared as fuck for her. Honestly she should have gotten an Oscar just for this screen cap.

Screen Shot 2015-06-01 at 5.37.26 PM

Rosemarie DeWitt scared shitless in the new Poltergeist playing the same character. Get fuckin real. I feel asleep looking at her.Screen-Shot-2015-05-07-at-9.23.13-AM-620x400

Take a look at these clips to see the emotion of the original movie. The new one lacked all of this.

E. A drone will not work in purgatory, the netherworld, or another dimension bitch. The signal will not fuckin transmit mother fucker I’m sorry get fuckin real. I don’t buy what you are selling. Your drone can suck Deez NUTZ!

F. The score for the new movie is forgettable by Marc Streitenfeld (PrometheusRobin HoodAmerican Gangster), it obviously could not compare to the original score by Jerry Goldsmith. That score is considered one of the better scores ever written. Here you judge.

Jerry’s Score…

New score by Streitenfeld….

G. This mother fucker ain’t no Zelda RubinsteinTangina was a great character. Why? She was a southern little lady and it’s not what you expect. To this day you except a played out male Irish priest. In 1982 you were coming out of the 0f the 70’s with films like The Omen and Exorcist. Everyone expects to see a Catholic priest to come and shut ghost/demons down. When Tangina walks in its shocking and memorable. It’s brilliant really. It’s still brilliant after all these years. A strong little Souther woman coming in shutting shit down. Now they bring in this clown with a giant safety-pin on his collar. SHUT THE FUCK UP! He was the real scary clown in this movie. Meanwhile Tangina just rolled over in her grave. We love you Tangina, you were a real hero. 

Screen Shot 2015-05-20 at 3.15.03 PM copy

Tangina we love you.

Top10_Paranormal_Poltergeist

PS The people who brought you “Insidious” knew this as well. That is why they cast Lin Shaye as the psychic Tangina type character. They were smart. 

insidious-movie-2

H. Carol Ann and “Not Carol Ann”. The new one was okay, but forgettable. You will always remember Carol Ann.

screen-shot-2015-02-10-at-7-32-44-pm-8-ways-poltergeist-2015-stays-loyal-to-the-original-png-256557

I. The new Poltergeist was already remade it was called, Insidious and The Conjuring. These are both great and done right with memorable characters.

J. The scariest part in your movies was this.

Squirrel_posing

K. Ummmmm this is the poster for a movie called “Poltergeist”? The movie is about ghosts? This poster looks like it would be about a clown dolls. This is stupid as fuck. Also PS the clown doll is barely in the movie in case you were wondering.

_1427841531

Old clown new clown. You decide.

Comparison

“Mad Max: Fury Road” or “Mad Max: What The Fuck Just Happened! YES” -my fuckin review

My review for “Mad Max: Fury Road“. First of all I love “Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome“, but I’m not a huge fan of “Mad Max” or “Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior” but they are fun movies. They are all good, but I’m just not a huge fan of them bitch! George Miller Directed this movie and all the other Mad Max films. Okay so a new Mad Max is back and he is still crazy after all these years. Maybe more crazy. He has visions of his dead daughter non-stop. He also got that crazy eye. The film begins with Max getting captured by these bald pale ass dudes called “War Boys” who are led by this creepy bitch named Immortan Joe. Joe is a white haired womanizer who sends his favorite truck driver Furiosa (Charlize Theron) to go get gas for their city, but she has her own plans for herself and other women that he treats as his property. Max gets caught up in the mix when a War Boy named NUX uses him as a hood ornament and blood bag. Yes, this movie is nuts and it’s amazing. Now the chase is on and Joe wants his property back. In end Max and Furiosa learn that women rule and men ruin everything literally.

 Okay this movie is fuckin incredible. What the fuck just happened? What the fuck did I just watch? I was literally on the edge of my seat! This is not just another action movie. It’s not a bunch of jumbled up CGI bullshit mixed up on the screen. It’s big, real, and epic. There’s shit load of cars and trucks driving through the fuckin desert, shit is blowing up for real, and people are flying around on poles for real. Seriously you are just fuckin staring at the screen with your mouth hanging open. It is a non-stop apocalyptic thrill ride literally.

Now the women! The women in this movie are the real stars. They are the real heroes. Charlize Theron as Furiosa is incredible because she is tough as fuck and emotional. She is an action hero for 2015. REAL! We have seen male driven action movies since the beginning of film and that shit is played out. James Cameron gave us Ellen Ripley in Aliens and Sarah Connor in Terminator 2: Judgment Day. Now George Miller gave your ass Furiosa. She only has one fuckin arm!!!!!! Which they never talk about. Not once in the movie does anyone ever says she is handicapped or disabled. It shouldn’t be talked about it. It’s not an issue until it’s talked about or called out. It’s just life and in this world ain’t nobody got time for that. She is strong and will fuck you up. That’s amazing and brilliant. Even Mad Max’s lone wolf attitude to things is shattered because only when he teams up with others does his life get better. One man might can make a difference, but a village can raise hell, throw a party and have an orgy. All the characters in this movie really were amazing, interesting, fun, over-the-top, real, emotional, honest, and you want to be them for Halloween. George Miller directed this epic movie and he is 70 years old and he deserves and oscar for making this feminist action thrill ride. This is a must see in the theater. Do not wait for DVD or Netflix! See it big and loud! So if you love Mad Max, action, strong women, amazing characters, cool costumes, epic movies, shit that looks and feels real, and edge of your seat fun then go see this movie right now! I saw it 3 times already and want to see it again and again.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Tom Hardy is amazing. I love him as Mad Max. I want to see more of him as MAD MAX! If you are wondering in the movie “Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior” the Mad Max character only had 16 lines of dialogue in the entire film, and two of them were: “I only came for the gasoline.” He is a character of few words which I like. The world is fucked up and you aren’t going to be running your mouth a lot. Plus there is not a lot of water and dust so keep your mouth shut bitch.

tom-hardy-as-max-rockatansky

B. Charlize Theron is the real hero in this movie. It’s 2015 and the real action hero is not a big dumb muscle-bound dude. She’s a smart tough as nails woman, that is missing an arm. We have seen a million movies where the emotionless man is the hero and that shit is lame and played the fuck out. This feels like real life to me. Furiosa feels like real life to me. She is tough but gets hurt and looks it. Somebody give her an Oscar right now. I love that her name her tough name is Furiosa and her other name is Katie ConCannon of the Swaddle Dogs.

Mad-Max-Fury-Road

C. Here is my apocalyptic short. It is so fun to dress up this way. Most the time I dress this way and go to work bitch.

D. This is my favorite shot in the whole movie. Immortan Joe driving with his hair blowing in the wind.

IMG_9341

He was played by Hugh Keays-Byrne, who also played Toecutter in the original “Mad Max” in 1979.

mad-max-mad-max-13-01-1982-12-04-1979-8-g

E. George Miller also directed Twilight Zone: The Movie (segment “4”) the one with the gremlin on the wing of the plane, The Witches of EastwickBabe: Pig in the CityHappy FeetHappy Feet Two and he wrote and produced Babe. So his shit is weird and amazing. 

F. Nicholas Hoult is amazing as NUX the war boy, by the end you love him.

T1ppUpmVZX

G. This score is amazing! It was done by Junkie XL. He was a big techno artist in the 90’s but has been hoping up here and there on scores. I have been listening to it non-stop! Listen to the best track.

You may remember he did this jam in the movie “Blade”.

H. Honestly this movie is pretty amazing and fun. Don’t miss it on the big screen. Y0u will have fun watching it. There are some mens rights groups hating is because women are strong in it. Yes, I’m serious. Men can be such fuckin babies about every fuckin thing. Here is an article so that you believe me.

Men you are fuckin stupid. Furiosa is the real deal in this movie. Take your daughters, mothers, wives, sisters, etc to see this movie.

http://www.cnn.com/2015/05/15/entertainment/mad-max-fury-road-boycott-mens-rights-thr-feat/

I. This is the Doof Warrior. This guy literally plays the guitar as they chase Mad Max. So yes this is also amazing.

EasygoingBraveFurseal

J. A video looking at the stunts in real time. Amazing.

K. The poster. YES!

10353400_661462377292620_5650103949489993553_o

“Avengers: Age of Ultron” or “Avengers: Ultra Spader”- my fuckin review

Here is my review for “Avengers: Age of Ultron“. Okay so I love Joss Whedon‘s shit. I’m not a huge Marvel fan but I enjoyed the first “The Avengers” movie, the “Captain America: The Winter Soldier” and the “Guardians of the Galaxy” so far the most. I also enjoy that at least Marvel is making all this shit connect. Okay so this time the Avengers are all back. Iron Man, Thor, Captain America, Black Widow, The Hulk, and Hawk Eye get back that Loki staff and try to make artificial intelligence out of it somehow. It ends up making a robot named Ultron that is James Spader. Ultra Spader is now born and pissed. He gets twins named Quicksilver and Scarlett Witch to help him (he can run fast and she can control people with her mind and rip things apart). Now the Avengers must save the world from Ultra Spader while dealing with personal problems like Hulk love, Hawk Eye having kids, and a purple robot showing up. In the end more shit pops off, more superheroes sign up and some learn that the real adventure is raising kids and having a family. Okay so Joss Whedon is a good director and he knows how to get a cast of people together and make them beleivable and make them look they are having fun. He also makes his villains seem real and funny. You know like real people.  Whedon makes lovable bad guys! This movie is even bigger than the first movie and they packed it full of cameos and crazy ass shit. You will be overwhelmed. Which is a good thing I guess, because I was never bored. They do take some time to find some emotion with each character so you give shit about what they are doing and where they are going. They tried with the two new twin characters but to me they were boring and forgettable. Meanwhile the rest of the cast knows how to sell their shit and you love seeing them again hanging out and blowing shit up. It’s a movie that should be seen on the big screen for sure. Go see their big asses. So if you love Marvel, the Avengers, Joss Whedon, a shit load of superheroes running around and everyone and their mom in this movie then go see it. You will have fun watching it if you are not tired of superhero movies yet.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Ultron was a good bad guy because he was written and played real. One of James Spader‘s best roles.

-no-strings-on-me-Age-of-Ultron-Trailer-the-avengers-37736405-245-160

 

B. 2015 is the year of “family is the real adventure” in storylines. A character will quit the team to go be with their wife/husband and kids. Learning the lesson that family is the real adventure, not all the fun you are having with all these superheroes and shit. Shut the fuck up! Is this some sort of weird Millennial plot? Ummmmmm How bout I keep my job saving the world and take care of this shitty family too. So the kids have a planet to take a shit on and I keep paying the bills!

C. Captain America makes sense in a weird way to me. He is disillusioned by America. They were smart to write him this way. Chris Evans really seems believable as this character.

0-the-odds-of-another-avenger-lifting-thor-s-hammer-in-age-of-ultron-92f60b77-dace-47e5-8d66-b96bf2c11281-jpeg-253468

D. I always forget Blackwidow’s name. I wish her name was Susie Cart-wheel. Her and the Hulk can’t have kids. Womp Womp. Some consider this a blessing. Just give Scarlett Johansson her own movie as this character. 

tumblr_m7ko4bVFak1rsy50k

E. This movies QuickSilver was a let down. His outfit was terrible. He looked like a manager who had just gotten off work at the Sports Authority. After the amazing Quicksilver in “X-Men: Days of Future Past“, this one was a forgettable bust.

Avengers-Age-of-Ultron-QuickSilver-jacket

 

Evan Peters Ouicksilver from “X-Men: Days of Future Past” was funny, entertaining, memorable, and great. I want to see more of him.

Xmen014
F. At least Joss tries to put emotion in these big budget movies. The struggle is real.

G. Scarlett Witch was mopey and boring. I wonder what time she gets off at Hot Topic and if she can get me a discount off of Sailor Moon T-Shirts.

scarlet_witch_avengers__age_of_ultron_by_slifer2012d8jrnbb

H. Joss Whedon said he is tired of making these movies. They do look hard to make.

I. The score bored me. It was composed by 2 people? Brian Tyler and Danny Elfman. Looks like Elfman was brought in to help. It didn’t help.

J. Cluttered. Too Much. It looks like a 15-year-old girls scrap-book nightmare.

avengers-2-poster-hi-res