Here is my review for “Justice League“. Okay so I was excited to see this movie because I love the DC characters and the cartoons are amazing. The movies have been a bust except for Wonder Woman, but even then I still own them all because I am stupid. Zack Snyder is the worst too. UGHHHH! Okay so the movie starts off and they are still bitching about Superman’s death. Some shitty sad song plays to try and get us emotional even though we know he ain’t dead etc. So we feel nothing. Meanwhile Batman is fighting some dude on a roof and Wonder Woman is stopping some bomb from blowing up. Now they are like “Oh yeah we are still trying to call Cyborg, The Flash and Aquaman from the last movie. Wtf. So they go find their asses. Now the big CGI bad guy shows up, Steppenwolf, who is really a bigger bad guys PA. He shows up on Themyscira and tosses around the Amazons. This entire scene looked like a shitty video game. They were riding around on CGI horses and their asses were hanging out more this time and were wearing mid drifts (Male director). I also am going to say CGI a lot because you really notice it in this film. It looks really bad, like the whole movie didn’t finish rendering. Like fuck it, it’s at 80% close enough go ahead and send it to theaters.
Anyway they finally get everybody together for a battle in a tunnel and Batman shows up in the Bat Crab or whatever it’s called. Let’s stop here. This thing he is in is just dumb. It’s got little legs and flips over and is just useless. Why make it? Why design this bat crab thing. Would you want a toy of it? NO! Yes, a bat car and plane and even a bat hovercraft or some shit. This thing is dumb as fuck. Anyway they get tossed around and some bad jokes are thrown. Now somebody starts talking about Mother Boxes and they can bring back Superman from the grave. So they do that. This is the only exciting, like Oh Shit yes moment. When Superman goes ape shit nuts and tries to whip all their asses. It ends fast though, and they start cutting to some Russian family. Ummmm huh? Who the fuck are these people? Who cares, but they keep cutting to them non-stop. Even during a giant battle, when Superman finally comes to help after hanging out with Mumble Mouse Lane (Amy Adams) in a cornfield forever, he stops fighting Steppenwolf (who is destroying THE PLANET) to help some dumb family. Get your goddamn priorities in check Superman. Don’t tell me some shit about that’s what Superman would do either. It’s poor forced writing for emotional bullshit nobody cares about. In the end there is a montage of superhero scenes while Mumble Mouse Lane narrates something she has written that sounds like a 14-year-old goth girl wrote it drunk. She is supposed to be a Pulitzer Prize Winning journalist. She is really mumbling trash. Now for a surprise, Lex Luthor shows up on boat party with Deathstroke and his gray hair looked sprayed on with hairspray from CVS. I am serious. I have seen better Deathstrokes at DragonCon.
Well, I mean I sound like a bitch, but it’s a mess. How can a movie cost so much and look this cheap. It’s like someone took a movie and shattered it on the floor and glued pieces back together. Just a mess. Okay yes, It’s cool these characters are all on the screen together. Yay! Then that’s where it stops. You keep wishing for something more and something more fun or with better action scenes or not 1990’s CGI. Did they run out of money? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? The Flash and Aquaman were the best parts I guess, but their shit was still weak. They could have had so much fun with them. Give them something to say and do. Wonder Woman was there but looked lost. Batman is like I don’t want to be here and I have a bad sore throat. Cyborg is suicidal basically. Steppenwolf is CGI faded trash. Everything is dark and dank and blah. Fire Zack Snyder. His Generation-X everything is dark and depressing shit is played out. It’s too serious and the world we live is too serious. We go to the theater to escape sometimes. This shit felt like prison. Don’t tell me 2017 sucks in the movie too. What the fuck bitch! Your heroes are together so let’s be happy! Your cast seems lost, your story is a mess, your villain is a screen saver crashing on Y2K, and your soundtrack is busted covers. Also your cliffhanger doesn’t even get us excited to come back for a sequel. I pray to Darkseid that James Wan can make the Aquaman movie fun and interesting, like they did with Wonder Woman. My advice though is to go see it. Yes, see it in the theater cuz that busted CGI will look even worse on your TV at home when it’s small and compressed etc. I sound like I hated it but I didn’t. I love these characters, and it make me sad they couldn’t have us cheering in the theater for them. We were just confused and rolling our eyes. Don’t get me started on that fucking Russian family they kept cutting too and the Kevin Costner photo. KILL ME!
The trailer: this trailer is terrible and the music in it is terrible whoever put it together should be fired.
A. That song at the beginning of the movie is trash. It was mixed with imagines of the world sucking without Superman. Well we ain’t got a Superman now, so I guess we should kill ourselves. My point is I can’t relate to your forced emotionally bullshit. Don’t show me David Bowie, Prince and Superman on a Newspaper cover about aliens and expect me to cry 2 minutes in. Haha
B. Wonder Woman (Gal Gadot) felt flat in this movie. She had you about to cry in the “Wonder Woman“, but it’s like the director didn’t know what to do with her.
C. The Flash aka Ezra Miller tried to be funny. He had a line about “Pet Sematary” that was funny, then one scene with Superman when he ran around the back of him when he was bad for a second and that was cool. That was it. Here is an article about the Ezra talking about how he will become the first openly queer actor to lead a superhero film. I hope The Flash movie will be more fun with a different director. https://www.popsugar.com/celebrity/Ezra-Miller-First-Queer-Actor-Lead-Superhero-Movie-44271686
D. If they cut to that Russian family one more time I was going to burn my eyes out. Who the fuck were they? Who the fuck cares! This is trash I don’t care if they all die. Fuck this little girl!
E. Danny Elfman composed the score. I assume they wanted an old school superhero feel. It was the best Danny has done in years for sure. He also used the 1989 Batman theme in some of the scenes. You couldn’t hear it due to the sound effects but it’s there. This was the best song the score and to offer, but I don’t think it’s in the movie.
F. That Kevin Costner photo floating in goo was the corniest thing I have seen all year. Fuck that forced ass photo! We don’t care! We know that fucker was in “Man of Steel” 2 movies ago and died.
G. This Superfriends intro looked more realistic than the movie.
H. At one point Superman was in a human suit then jumps up and is in jogging pants and shirtless. I get it, but it doesn’t make sense in the film.
I. This cartoon Steppenwolf looks better than the movies version.
The movie version looks like a shitty 90’s screen saver. Whoever approved this should be beaten.
J. Cyborg is boring and could have been fun. What a let down. He is also looked busted. You are telling me that they can’t make “The Terminator” look real in 2017. That’s basically what he is.
K. The best part in the movie was Mera when she did the clap back.
L.There was some scene where they cut to Aquaman walking in slow motion to some shit song drinking booze, then he just busts the bottle. That was it. Is he cool now? Hahaha Shut the fuck up. Where the fuck was this Joss Whedon saving the picture editing?
M. The new look of the Amazons in Justice League.
N. Don’t get me wrong I have hopes that the individual movies will be better, like Wonder Woman. The rest have been a mess though.
O. Here is a pic of Party City DeahthStroke witch CVS Halloween Gray Hairspray. Twist, it turns out this is Joe Manganiello. WHAT THE FUCK! Hahahahahaahaha
P. This poster is dumb and clumsy. It looks like a Parademon made this in 1988. The Year Photoshop was released.