“Alien: Covenant” or “Michael Fassbenders: In Space” my fuckin review

SPOILERS STUPID!

Here is my review for “Alien: Covenant“. This is the sequel to “Prometheus“. Here is my review for that film https://eddieraysmoviereviews.wordpress.com/2012/06/08/prometheus-or-all-dressed-up-and-nowhere-to-go-my-fuckin-review/ .

Okay so this film starts off with a big spaceship traveling through the universe with a crew that is woken up to go investigate a weird planet. Then some of the crew gets infected by something but Ripley will not let them bring it onboard, but the the alien gets on anyway and they have to fight it. Oh shit wait that’s another movie, that’s “Alien“. Oops it starts of the same way though. Then after that it turns into Prometheus 2, when they pick up with that David (Fassender) character from part 1, but there is already a Fassbender on board called Walter. So if you hate Michael Fassebender walk out now. In the theater no one cane hear you walk out! Now the crew that is stranded on the weird planet (Still not LV-426) is being attacked by aliens that look like like uncooked white chickens to me. So they follow David to the giant white people who created the Aliens. They are all dead now. David has killed them all for some reason. Maybe he hates “white” aliens. I don’t blame him. Now our gang is being killed by the uncooked chicken aliens. While David and Walter make out barefooted. That’s not a joke. I am serious. Not that I mind two dudes making out, but barefooted with dirty alien feet and with your twin. I don’t know.  Later we find out that somehow David was the one who created the Alien egg and the Xenomorh as we have come to know it. Not an alien queen or the giant white people. A robot? Then a baby Xenomorph is born and almost comes out doing some sort of bow or performance. I have no idea what is happening or care. In the end Danny McBride risks 2,000 crew members to drive the big spaceship to the planet to save like 2 people. Then our female hero who looks like a Kroger Cashier tries to save the day by running around falling everywhere tied to rope shooting at an alien. Honestly I would be embarrassed if I was her. She could have just stayed inside the ship and they could have shaken the alien off? Then in a weird twist (for a Ridley Scott film) there is a Friday the 13th horror movie style shower scene. Where a couple is having sex and an alien kills them. Let me say that again. A nude couple is having sex in a shower and an alien kills them! Did you hear me? Then more Michael Fassbender.  The end.

So is it better than Prometheus? Yes, because that movie is trash. I even watched it again before we went to see Alien: Covenant and honestly I was kind to that fuckin movie. It’s way worse than I remember. Yes, it’s a pretty movie, but Prometheus is terrible and insulting. Also if it was so good why doesn’t anyone care that the Elizabeth Shaw character was just killed off in an online video that is not even included in the fucking movie. Now we are sitting here watching what starts off to be literally a reboot of the movie “Alien”. The titles for “Alien: Covenant” come up just like “Alien” and they even use Jerry Goldsmith’s theme. Then it’s the same shit until the David character shows up then it turns into Prometheus 2 and you are like “okay what now” the rest of the way. Yes, once again everything looks pretty. It’s literally Michael Fassbender vs. Michael Fassbender the whole movie. He is all over the goddamn place. Playing 2 parts. Then telling me he creating the eggs and the alien Xenomorph? The ones that show up to fight Ripley later in the movie “Alien”? HUH? Your shit is confusing and a mess. Sorry just because you have an alien running around and you shoot at it in a film doesn’t make it good. The original “Alien” and “Aliens” are films that have transcending time bitch. They are films that people have ripped off and live still and shit. You hand this half ass report in to your teacher and you expect her not to fail your ass. Get real. YOU FAIL! You have bootleg and forgettable characters that you could give a shit less about. Another forced Ripley ripoff like in “Prometheus”. I think trying to force a new Ripley is a train wreck. Sigourney Weaver was like accidentally magic. Then having Danny play a country character called Tennessee with a cowboy hat is cheesy. It’s 2017 and James Cameron did something similar back in 1989 with the movie “The Abyss” he had a character called “One Night” who was country and had a cowboy hat and listened to country music, but what was interesting was that the character was female and African-American. Now in 2017 we got this hokey shit. Later that Friday the 13th inspired shower death scene is too much. Don’t get me wrong I love Friday the 13th movies. I own and watch them every Friday the 13th. BUT ALIEN FILMS AREN’T FRIDAY THE 13TH MOVIES! A sex scene with boobs in a shower???? Seriously? Hahaha wow. Did the studio make Ridley Scott shoot that? I mean fuck it whatever. Scenes where David was talking to Walter I was just staring off, I honestly have no idea what was even said at this point. When that little baby Xenomorh was born the whole audience laughed. I wish I had a gif of it to show you. It’s a joke. I was offended hahahaha Anyway did I hate this movie? No. Do I care? No. I will never watch it again. The movie “Aliens” is one of the best films ever made for so many reasons. Even “Alien” is Science Fiction legacy. To like this new film is a slap to those movies faces. Honestly I would rather watch “AVP: Alien vs. Predator” at least it knows it’s trash and doesn’t try to blow smoke up your ass. 

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. How many Michael Fassbender‘s do you need for a film? I also don’t want to see androids walking around with no shoes on and its gross and dumb. Put some shoes on David your feet stink! I guess he is the star in all of these new movies. Whatever. 

P.S. Michael has a huge dong. Want to see? Click on my review for “Shame” a movie he is nude in https://eddieraysmoviereviews.wordpress.com/2011/12/12/shame-or-michael-fassbenders-dick-is-huge-my-fuckin-review/

B. Does this make you hungry for chicken?

C. Katherine Waterston would be great as a Kroger Cashier in a Kroger grocery store. 

kroger-6-copy-e1495661475184.jpg

D. The score was composed by Jed Kurzel (The Babadook,Assassin’s Creed). It’s pretty good but maybe because it used Jerry Goldsmith‘s themes the whole time. He was a brilliant composer before he died.

E. I love Danny McBride in shit but calling him Tennessee and making him a country like character in 2017 is silly. Although I wish he was just Danny in it being a smart ass. 

Tennessee (Alien: Covenant- 2017)

One Night (The Abyss- 1989) P.S. The Abyss is amazing. 

F. Billy Crudup is like a rip off of Henry Thomas. Every time I see him I think it’s Henry for a second and hope it’s him. It’s not. This is not shade against the film even though I find him boring in the film. Haha 

Henry Thomas was in E.T. so he wins. 

G. James Franco is in this? Haha but barely. I wish he was in the whole thing. You can see him in this scene that is not in the movie along with 2 gay characters that you can’t tell are gay in the film, but can in this scene. So people just thought they were broke straight boys or something I guess. 

H. Whites only I guess.

I. A prologue that is not in the movie, that you need to see before you see the movie. That’s a problem. Hahaha Also Elizabeth Shaw from “Prometheus” is dead and nobody cares. Why? Because she sucked and nobody gave a shit. By the end of this film you will feel the same way about these new characters. I assume if they make a 3rd there will be all new characters too.

J. The poster looks great. Too bad the movie wasn’t.

“Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2” or “James Gunn Has A Kurt Russell Dad Fetish”- my fuckin review

Here is my review for “Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2“. This is the sequel to Guardians of the Galaxy and here was my review for that https://eddieraysmoviereviews.wordpress.com/2014/08/07/guardians-of-the-galaxy-or-firefly-star-wars-a-fun-ride-my-fuckin-review/.

Okay Star Lord is back with all the gang and this time they are bitching. Just kidding they bitched the last time too.  Now the gang is being hired to do good things for galaxy but they are still thieves and getting into trouble and shit. Along the way Star Lord finally runs into his long-lost dad Kurt Russell, who has been looking for him since he was like 10 years old. Kurt is also a god. Meanwhile Yondu and Rocket are assholes together with Baby Groot, but they learn why they are assholes this time. Star Lord and Gamora get closer over the TV show Cheers. Drax is hanging with a bug lady named Mantis, and Nebula hates her sister Gamora. In the end Star Lord learns what a father really is and the real villain is dealing with honest emotions. P.S. Sylvester StalloneVing RhamesMichelle YeohMiley Cyrus and Michael Rosenbaum show up! WHAT THE FUCK! 

Okay so the Guardian movies are fun, over-the-top and follow no pattern. They are funny and you will laugh at that shit. You will love all the characters and will be entertained by all of them and you would hangout with their asses. They are all fleshed out more this time except for Star Lord. He really takes a backseat to everyone. He seemed to be the focus last time and now the rest of the cast gets their time to shine or what the fuck ever. Kurt Russell is Kurt and you love him for it. I mean you love him in anything he does. He plays a god in this and you buy it. I think that James Gunn had some weird fantasy for Kurt to be his father in real life or some shit. Then I looked around the audience and all these dudes looked emotional and I realized they wanted Kurt to be their father too. Weird. Everyone wanted Daddy Kurt.

Meanwhile I loved how Yondu and Rocket had their moments about being assholes and why they were really assholes. They weren’t just mean the worlds mad them mean. This film was really about relationships and honest emotions. Sisters, Fathers and sons, and friendships. That’s the thing, the bad guy is almost not that important. What’s import is the good guys and what they are dealing with on the inside. Too real. James Gunn is giving it to you. For a minute this throws you because you are used to a check list in these super hero movies and this one derails from that for a while. It’s still kinda of there so chill the fuck out. Meanwhile it’s happy and sad and action pack and the songs they chose are hot. The score is weak as fuck though, just like most of the ones for Marvel movies. They all sound so generic and tired. Just so interchangeable. It’s so disappointing. The composer’s aren’t bad either so I feel like Producers are coming in and telling them to sound this way. What the fuck is going on. Fix your scores. They are fucking terrible. I blame Marvel now, not the composers. Anyway the movie is a lot of fun and James Gunn you have fun with your films. The jokes are a little one note sometimes. Meaning they are very similar to the first films jokes, and we heard that shit before. Its like okay, we get it, come up with some new ones, etc. So if you loved the first one, then you will love the second one. Watch them back to back and you will be happy. I will buy this bitch.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Chris Pratt is cool, but was probably my least favorite character this time in the movie. Everyone else was so much more entertaining this time. 

B. James Gunn directed this film. He also directed  Slither and Super. He wrote Tromeo and JulietScooby-Doo– the movie,  Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed– the movie, and Dawn of the Dead– 2004. He is a fun director and really has fun with his movies and the dialogue. Here he is talking about suicide. REAL as FUCK!

http://www.thewrap.com/james-gunn-magical-world-helped-escape-childhood-thoughts-suicide/

His brother Sean Gunn is in the movie too as Karolin.

C. Sylvester Stallone showed up and I hope he is in the next movie too! 

D. Kurt Russell is a national treasure. He is amazing in movies and we all love him. I do think the director maybe wanted him to be his dad growing up then I realized maybe a lot of dudes in the audience felt the same way. Weird. Daddy issues. 

E. Tyler Bates composed score (Dawn of the Dead 2004, The Devil’s RejectsSlither, Rob Zombie’s HalloweenDoomsdayHalloween IIGuardians of the GalaxyAtomic BlondeSamurai Jack). He is stuff is usually moody, dark, generic, and atmospheric. Which is not really a good thing. This is more light-hearted and actiony but still generic. His best stuff is Samurai Jack honestly. Maybe he gets to do what he wants on that. I think Marvel is stepping in and controlling these scores and ruining them. They are generic and interchangeable. Such a let down. Marvel are you scores are trash. 

Here is a sample from the Guardians 2. 

F. I love this song from the soundtrack.

G. Favorite lines. “I don’t know Cheers “and “I meant trash Panda”.

H. Omg this weird fan fiction shit is already for the movie. Here is Yondu and Star Lord as boy. Adopted father and son. Haha

I. Michelle Yeoh is at the end of this movie as Aleta Ogord and I pray she is in the next movie. She is amazing!

I. This poster is great. It’s colorful and you would hang this shit on your wall.

The Best Witch Movies to Watch On Witches Night!

Here are some witch flicks, in no particular order, that you can watch on Witches Night on April 30th! Here is an article about Witches Night. http://www.dirgemag.com/walpurgisnacht/

Listen to this while you read the list.

1. The Blair Witch Project -1999

2. The Witch– 2015

3. The Craft– 1996

4. The Witches of Eastwick– 1987

5. The Lords of Salem– 2012

6. Season of the Witch aka Hungry Wives– 1972

7. Häxan– 1922

8. Black Sunday– 1960

9. The Witches– 1990

10. Blair Witch– 2016

11. Halloween III: Season of the Witch– 1982

12. Hocus Pocus– 1993

13. Suspiria– 1977

14. Paranormal Activity 3– 2011 – it’s about a coven of witches.

15. The Covenant– 2006

Me as witch on Halloween.

“The Void” or “I’ve Seen These 6 Horror Movies Before” my fuckin review

Here is my review for “The Void“. Okay so this movie was getting a lot of horror buzzzzzzzz so were were excited to see it opening night. Scare me bitch, or at least others around me whatever. Okay so this movie starts off and these 2 dudes are chasing this couple, the one guy gets away but the girl gets set on fire. Oddly enough she seems okay with it, because if my ass gets set on fuckin fire I would be rolling around screaming and shit because being burned hurts like a bitch. How do I know? I was just burned on the stove and that was small. So assume this is that times a million. Meanwhile a cop finds the guy that got away and takes him to a local small town hospital that is in the process of closing, but now it’s being surrounded by cult people in white robes/cloaks. Think “Assault on Precinct 13“. In the hospital there are some doctors and a girl who is pregnant (Hahaha you can guess where that is headed). ANYWAYYYYYYYYY….. Someone turns into a demon/squid/Cthulhu/The Thing and attacks. Think “The Thing” and “In the Mouth of Madness“. It’s cute looking I think, because it’s in a strobe light with quick editing. So maybe it looks like shit with the lights on and steady shot. Meanwhile the Cult is outside trying to keep them inside and some people die. Later a doctor wants to open a Triangle gateway to hell to get his daughter back. Which is weird. Like honestly fuck your stupid daughter. If you can open up “THE VOID” and you are some sort of “Lord of Illusions” Centobite or some shit then you want POWER. To hell with your stupid daughter. Or to the void with her whatever. I feel like the doctor even tried to sound like a cross between Nix from Lord of Illusions and Dr. Channard from Hellbound: Hellraiser II, but with cheesy forgettable dialogue. There is even a part where a demon chases a guy down a hallway that is closing like in Hellraiser 2 and it closed when the guy jumps through, trapping the demon in the void (hell) just like with Kirsty Cotton. In the end the hero even grabs the demon and jumps into the void with him and seals it up, just like in John Carpenter’s “Prince of Darkness“, in that movie the girl jumps with the demon into the mirror, trapping herself and Satan in hell. If you are trying to be 6 other movies then you will never be your own film.

Okay so we can’t like your film, because we love all these other movies so much. Everyone gets an homage to your favorite horror movies, but when it’s a constant rip off or throw back or copy of them we can’t get over that shit. We are sitting there playing “What horror movie is this from”. It’s obvious and a let down. The dialogue is generic and flat, and the characters are “so what- who cares”. The score is limp and forgettable too. The only thing this movie had going for it were the special effects. When you could see them. I really went in excited and came out confused and let down. Shit check it out on Netflix one day for sure just so you can see it I guess and make your own judgement. I promise it will be similar to what I said. Unless you don’t know anything about horror movies and have not seen the movies I have listed above. Then shit maybe this will seem fresh as fuck to you. Good luck. I know it’s sounds like I am beating up on this movie but I don’t mean to be. I just had high hopes and my check got VOIDED!

 

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. I felt trapped in their with them and couldn’t get out either.

B. Written and Directed by newbies  Jeremy Gillespie (Father’s Day) and Steven Kostanski (ABCs of Death 2-segment “W is for Wish”). They are new and hopefully will grow and learn. 

C. Pick a horror movie and this movie will seem like it.

D. Triangles are hot right now. See “The Neon Demon

Triangles were on the eye holes on the white robes and it was the gateway the Void also.

The Void Triangle

Here is a pic from Neon Demon’s Trianle.

E. Blitz//Berlin did the score it was weak

F. If you are pregnant and there are demons around. Kill your baby. It ain’t the next Jesus.

G. Mik Byskov played the character with no name aka the son. He was the best character because he had no lines. 

H. The poster is great.

 

“Ghost in the Shell” or “White Ghost in that White Ass”

Here is my review for “Ghost in the Shell“.  It’s the future and robots are white. Scarlett Johansson‘s brain is put into a white bot with no nipples in a Blade Runner like world. Now she is a government spy/assassin/cop or something like that. It’s the future so everyone is jacked in and hacked and upgraded and uploaded and shit. So somebody was murdered and Scarlett and her friends have to find out who killed the guy and also find out who she used to be. Meanwhile a white mega hacker is running around fucking white asses up. Later Scarlett is naked again. Maybe? I am not sure. She eventually jacks in and finds the Mega Hacker and he is not her enemy! They are robot friends or ex-lovers or something and used to be Japanese, then the Government or a company whitewashed them into white people. Now the teacher from Battle Royale says “Don’t send a rabbit to kill a fox” YESSSS BITCH! In the end you can’t download an MP3 without breaking some white eggs. 

Okay so the anime cartoon is better. The movie isn’t bad, it’s just kinda of there. The dialogue is flat and you just kinda of stare at it. Yes, it’s cool looking and the score is nice. But the more you think about it. The more you realize you have seen Blade Runner and you are over it. The story does feel dated, because shit it is. The original anime came out here in 1995. So it was probably fresh as fuck that year. In 2017 it’s played out bitch. Scarlett is kind of flat too. I guess she is supposed to be because she is a robot, but shit Michael Pitts wasn’t flat. Anyway there were some okay action scenes in it. Nothing that you would want to go back and see twice. Ya know how some Science Fiction movies you want to see 3 times because the scenes were so amazing. Like The Matrix. This movie doesn’t have them. It’s more like “Judge Dredd” you will forget about it in a year. I mean honestly the whitewashing is the least of this movies problems. It’s boring and flat. I mean why not cast an Japanese actress as the lead then rest of the cast could be mega honkey stars? Anyway it’s pretty to look at for a bit but you get over it fast. The score is nice but you get over that fast too. What’s left is as flat as her nipples. Ya know because she had none. I will not watch it again.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Scarlett Johansson was just kinda of flat in this and whatever. I was bored with her. I guess they look similar. 

B. Michael Pitt was Kuze and I love him because he was in “Funny Games“. 

Here he is from the animation.

C. Where the fuck are her nipples? The movie should have been about finding those.

D. Directed by Rupert Sanders (Snow White and the Huntsman) and it was PG 13. So ya know. 

This scene was in the movie too. This animation is pretty amazing and way more memorable than the live action version. Plus she is nude in the anime version.

E. Takeshi Kitano is the best, he was in Battle Royale as the Teacher. He is the best thing about this movie!

F. Clint Mansell (Black Mirror– San JuniperoBlack Swan) and Lorne Balfe (Terminator GenisysThe LEGO Batman Movie). I tried to find a selection to hear but it’s not out yet. 

G. She cute.

H. Here is my ode to Anime that I made.

I. They should have played this shit song in the end credits.

J. Bad transmission.

 

 

“Beauty and the Beast” or “Beauty and The Demon of Hell House” my fuckin review

Here is my review of “Beauty and the Beast“. So this is the live action version of the cartoon version. There will be many more like this to come. Okay we start are adventure with Madonna performing “Vogue” at the 1990 MTV Music Awards.

Then a witch comes and puts a curse on her and it turns her into a demon.

Now she is trapped as a demon for life. Cut to years later with this girl named Belle, who has read 6 books her whole life and she thinks she has it all figured out. She is bored and I feel like lazy. Walking around all day singing and stealing food from the village while her dad works his ass off. Meanwhile this gay guy named Gaston wants to marry her for tax purposes, but his boyfriend Left Foot is jealous as fuck. Bottoms am I right? Anyway her dad gets drunk one night and ends up at Demon Madonna’s haunted castle and tries to steal a rose. Like Daughter like father. Thieves. So Demon Madonna keeps him there as a prisoner with all this nightmarish and freakish shit. Talking furniture, a Chav Tea pot that I think is singer Adele. It was scary as fuck I would be screaming and smashing all that shit with a fuckin bat. Anyway Belle comes to find her dad and they swap places. Belle stays and lives in this nightmare world with Demon Madonna. Who kind of sounds like a demonic Kermit the Frog. Then one night Demon Madonna gets drunk and starts flirting with Belle and sings this shit. Remember it’s a musical.

It’s gets weird and they bang after the song, then Belle starts falling in love with Demon Madonna and this house of horrors but one day while watching “Orange is the New Black” on a TV Mirror. She sees her dad getting arrested so she has to leave to go help him. Demon Madonna is sad because she thinks Belle will never return to her and she feels FROZEN and sings this.

Later Gaston and his boyfriend Left Foot hear of Belle’s Hell House tale and comes with angry mob to kill Demon Madonna. Gaston is not having his marriage of convenience taken away from him. He and Demon Madonna have a showdown. And Demon Madonna tells him you don’t know who you are fucking with and starts singing this song. All the villagers down below roll their eyes.

In the end Demon Madonna kills Gaston and gets Belle and then turns into the guy from the movie “The Guest” and “Downton Abbey” and they all dance to……

 

Okay so maybe some of this is true. Haha. Was this entertaining? Sure. Did you feel like you have seen this before? YES. It’s the same movie as the cartoon. It’s just got Emma Watson in it. The Beast still looks like a cartoon and sounds like a demonic Kermit. The Tea Pot really was a Chav but not Adele. It was Emma Thompson. I mean Emma Watson is fine in it and the songs you love because you know them already, so it feels like a Disney greatest hits mix. The character of LeFou (Josh Gad) is gay and he flirts with Gaston (Luke Evans who is gay in real life) a lot but ends up with a drag queen at the end and that’s pretty interesting and new. Ewan McGregor sounded weird with a French accent as Captain Candlestick, I mean it didn’t sound good. I feel like what else can you say about something you have seen and heard a million times before, it’s just the live action version. If you love Beauty and the Beast you will love this movie too. It was made for you. It felt long and slow. I would never sit through it again.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Dan Stevens you are better than a CGI Demon. 

B. They sing this.

C. Emma Watson I mean I guess she did fine. She looked a little stiff though. See. 

D. People boycotted this movie because this character was gay. They should have boycotted because a girl was fucking a demon. Haha

E. Ian McKellen was a clock in this. Here is a picture of Captain Candlestick and Clock. 

F. Directed by Bill Condon (The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2Candyman: Farewell to the Flesh). Well.

G. Cute.