“The Void” or “I’ve Seen These 6 Horror Movies Before” my fuckin review

Here is my review for “The Void“. Okay so this movie was getting a lot of horror buzzzzzzzz so were were excited to see it opening night. Scare me bitch, or at least others around me whatever. Okay so this movie starts off and these 2 dudes are chasing this couple, the one guy gets away but the girl gets set on fire. Oddly enough she seems okay with it, because if my ass gets set on fuckin fire I would be rolling around screaming and shit because being burned hurts like a bitch. How do I know? I was just burned on the stove and that was small. So assume this is that times a million. Meanwhile a cop finds the guy that got away and takes him to a local small town hospital that is in the process of closing, but now it’s being surrounded by cult people in white robes/cloaks. Think “Assault on Precinct 13“. In the hospital there are some doctors and a girl who is pregnant (Hahaha you can guess where that is headed). ANYWAYYYYYYYYY….. Someone turns into a demon/squid/Cthulhu/The Thing and attacks. Think “The Thing” and “In the Mouth of Madness“. It’s cute looking I think, because it’s in a strobe light with quick editing. So maybe it looks like shit with the lights on and steady shot. Meanwhile the Cult is outside trying to keep them inside and some people die. Later a doctor wants to open a Triangle gateway to hell to get his daughter back. Which is weird. Like honestly fuck your stupid daughter. If you can open up “THE VOID” and you are some sort of “Lord of Illusions” Centobite or some shit then you want POWER. To hell with your stupid daughter. Or to the void with her whatever. I feel like the doctor even tried to sound like a cross between Nix from Lord of Illusions and Dr. Channard from Hellbound: Hellraiser II, but with cheesy forgettable dialogue. There is even a part where a demon chases a guy down a hallway that is closing like in Hellraiser 2 and it closed when the guy jumps through, trapping the demon in the void (hell) just like with Kirsty Cotton. In the end the hero even grabs the demon and jumps into the void with him and seals it up, just like in John Carpenter’s “Prince of Darkness“, in that movie the girl jumps with the demon into the mirror, trapping herself and Satan in hell. If you are trying to be 6 other movies then you will never be your own film.

Okay so we can’t like your film, because we love all these other movies so much. Everyone gets an homage to your favorite horror movies, but when it’s a constant rip off or throw back or copy of them we can’t get over that shit. We are sitting there playing “What horror movie is this from”. It’s obvious and a let down. The dialogue is generic and flat, and the characters are “so what- who cares”. The score is limp and forgettable too. The only thing this movie had going for it were the special effects. When you could see them. I really went in excited and came out confused and let down. Shit check it out on Netflix one day for sure just so you can see it I guess and make your own judgement. I promise it will be similar to what I said. Unless you don’t know anything about horror movies and have not seen the movies I have listed above. Then shit maybe this will seem fresh as fuck to you. Good luck. I know it’s sounds like I am beating up on this movie but I don’t mean to be. I just had high hopes and my check got VOIDED!

 

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. I felt trapped in their with them and couldn’t get out either.

B. Written and Directed by newbies  Jeremy Gillespie (Father’s Day) and Steven Kostanski (ABCs of Death 2-segment “W is for Wish”). They are new and hopefully will grow and learn. 

C. Pick a horror movie and this movie will seem like it.

D. Triangles are hot right now. See “The Neon Demon

Triangles were on the eye holes on the white robes and it was the gateway the Void also.

The Void Triangle

Here is a pic from Neon Demon’s Trianle.

E. Blitz//Berlin did the score it was weak

F. If you are pregnant and there are demons around. Kill your baby. It ain’t the next Jesus.

G. Mik Byskov played the character with no name aka the son. He was the best character because he had no lines. 

H. The poster is great.

 

“Ghost in the Shell” or “White Ghost in that White Ass”

Here is my review for “Ghost in the Shell“.  It’s the future and robots are white. Scarlett Johansson‘s brain is put into a white bot with no nipples in a Blade Runner like world. Now she is a government spy/assassin/cop or something like that. It’s the future so everyone is jacked in and hacked and upgraded and uploaded and shit. So somebody was murdered and Scarlett and her friends have to find out who killed the guy and also find out who she used to be. Meanwhile a white mega hacker is running around fucking white asses up. Later Scarlett is naked again. Maybe? I am not sure. She eventually jacks in and finds the Mega Hacker and he is not her enemy! They are robot friends or ex-lovers or something and used to be Japanese, then the Government or a company whitewashed them into white people. Now the teacher from Battle Royale says “Don’t send a rabbit to kill a fox” YESSSS BITCH! In the end you can’t download an MP3 without breaking some white eggs. 

Okay so the anime cartoon is better. The movie isn’t bad, it’s just kinda of there. The dialogue is flat and you just kinda of stare at it. Yes, it’s cool looking and the score is nice. But the more you think about it. The more you realize you have seen Blade Runner and you are over it. The story does feel dated, because shit it is. The original anime came out here in 1995. So it was probably fresh as fuck that year. In 2017 it’s played out bitch. Scarlett is kind of flat too. I guess she is supposed to be because she is a robot, but shit Michael Pitts wasn’t flat. Anyway there were some okay action scenes in it. Nothing that you would want to go back and see twice. Ya know how some Science Fiction movies you want to see 3 times because the scenes were so amazing. Like The Matrix. This movie doesn’t have them. It’s more like “Judge Dredd” you will forget about it in a year. I mean honestly the whitewashing is the least of this movies problems. It’s boring and flat. I mean why not cast an Japanese actress as the lead then rest of the cast could be mega honkey stars? Anyway it’s pretty to look at for a bit but you get over it fast. The score is nice but you get over that fast too. What’s left is as flat as her nipples. Ya know because she had none. I will not watch it again.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Scarlett Johansson was just kinda of flat in this and whatever. I was bored with her. I guess they look similar. 

B. Michael Pitt was Kuze and I love him because he was in “Funny Games“. 

Here he is from the animation.

C. Where the fuck are her nipples? The movie should have been about finding those.

D. Directed by Rupert Sanders (Snow White and the Huntsman) and it was PG 13. So ya know. 

This scene was in the movie too. This animation is pretty amazing and way more memorable than the live action version. Plus she is nude in the anime version.

E. Takeshi Kitano is the best, he was in Battle Royale as the Teacher. He is the best thing about this movie!

F. Clint Mansell (Black Mirror– San JuniperoBlack Swan) and Lorne Balfe (Terminator GenisysThe LEGO Batman Movie). I tried to find a selection to hear but it’s not out yet. 

G. She cute.

H. Here is my ode to Anime that I made.

I. They should have played this shit song in the end credits.

J. Bad transmission.

 

 

“Beauty and the Beast” or “Beauty and The Demon of Hell House” my fuckin review

Here is my review of “Beauty and the Beast“. So this is the live action version of the cartoon version. There will be many more like this to come. Okay we start are adventure with Madonna performing “Vogue” at the 1990 MTV Music Awards.

Then a witch comes and puts a curse on her and it turns her into a demon.

Now she is trapped as a demon for life. Cut to years later with this girl named Belle, who has read 6 books her whole life and she thinks she has it all figured out. She is bored and I feel like lazy. Walking around all day singing and stealing food from the village while her dad works his ass off. Meanwhile this gay guy named Gaston wants to marry her for tax purposes, but his boyfriend Left Foot is jealous as fuck. Bottoms am I right? Anyway her dad gets drunk one night and ends up at Demon Madonna’s haunted castle and tries to steal a rose. Like Daughter like father. Thieves. So Demon Madonna keeps him there as a prisoner with all this nightmarish and freakish shit. Talking furniture, a Chav Tea pot that I think is singer Adele. It was scary as fuck I would be screaming and smashing all that shit with a fuckin bat. Anyway Belle comes to find her dad and they swap places. Belle stays and lives in this nightmare world with Demon Madonna. Who kind of sounds like a demonic Kermit the Frog. Then one night Demon Madonna gets drunk and starts flirting with Belle and sings this shit. Remember it’s a musical.

It’s gets weird and they bang after the song, then Belle starts falling in love with Demon Madonna and this house of horrors but one day while watching “Orange is the New Black” on a TV Mirror. She sees her dad getting arrested so she has to leave to go help him. Demon Madonna is sad because she thinks Belle will never return to her and she feels FROZEN and sings this.

Later Gaston and his boyfriend Left Foot hear of Belle’s Hell House tale and comes with angry mob to kill Demon Madonna. Gaston is not having his marriage of convenience taken away from him. He and Demon Madonna have a showdown. And Demon Madonna tells him you don’t know who you are fucking with and starts singing this song. All the villagers down below roll their eyes.

In the end Demon Madonna kills Gaston and gets Belle and then turns into the guy from the movie “The Guest” and “Downton Abbey” and they all dance to……

 

Okay so maybe some of this is true. Haha. Was this entertaining? Sure. Did you feel like you have seen this before? YES. It’s the same movie as the cartoon. It’s just got Emma Watson in it. The Beast still looks like a cartoon and sounds like a demonic Kermit. The Tea Pot really was a Chav but not Adele. It was Emma Thompson. I mean Emma Watson is fine in it and the songs you love because you know them already, so it feels like a Disney greatest hits mix. The character of LeFou (Josh Gad) is gay and he flirts with Gaston (Luke Evans who is gay in real life) a lot but ends up with a drag queen at the end and that’s pretty interesting and new. Ewan McGregor sounded weird with a French accent as Captain Candlestick, I mean it didn’t sound good. I feel like what else can you say about something you have seen and heard a million times before, it’s just the live action version. If you love Beauty and the Beast you will love this movie too. It was made for you. It felt long and slow. I would never sit through it again.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Dan Stevens you are better than a CGI Demon. 

B. They sing this.

C. Emma Watson I mean I guess she did fine. She looked a little stiff though. See. 

D. People boycotted this movie because this character was gay. They should have boycotted because a girl was fucking a demon. Haha

E. Ian McKellen was a clock in this. Here is a picture of Captain Candlestick and Clock. 

F. Directed by Bill Condon (The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2Candyman: Farewell to the Flesh). Well.

G. Cute.

 

 

“Power Rangers” or “The Breakfast Club Rangers” my fuckin review

Here is my review for “Power Rangers“. Okay the Power Ranges are back and this time they got a budget! They have been beating the shit out of monsters since 1993 and are literally still on the air in 2017! WHAT THE FUCK! So now here we are with these new rangers and they are in detention and troublemakers and not the goodie goodie role models of the TV Show. The Red Ranger is stealing shit, wrecking cars, and slapping the shit out of people. The Blue Ranger has autism and is blowing shit up. The Pink Ranger is a mean bitch who is sending out nudes of her friends. So yes I am into all of this! They are real as fuck. They eventually hook up with the Yellow and Black Ranger and find a cave with an alien space craft and a fucked up looked robot in it and get their powers. Then join this talking wall named Zordon (Bryan Cranston) and learn how to fight. Yes in a training montage. I LOVE TRAINING MONTAGES! Now this evil alien lady named Rita Repulsa is on the way to fuck their shit up, but they are having a hard time morphing (putting their costumes on). They learn it’s because they don’t know each other well. So in this cool scene around a campfire they talk about their fucked up lives. That shit was real and great! In the end it’s morhpin time and they whip ass and get in their dino rides and fight Rita and form a Mega Zord. It all makes loose sense if you see it.

Okay so I had a lot of fun watching this movie, more fun than I thought I would. I love all the teen Power Rangers. They were all interesting, fun, and felt like real people. They really were like a sort of new Breakfast Club that happened to get powers. All the characters were full of personal problems and issues but they were ready to fuck shit up. They didn’t say let’s go stop Rita. They said let’s go KILL Rita. I was like yessssss go kill that bitch! They were serious as fuck with that killing shit. Meanwhile they did take some time to get to know each character. I mean as much as movie like this can, but I felt like I got it. Elizabeth Banks was cool as Rita, I mean she knew she was in this movie and had fun with it. She was killing people. So that’s good. Nobody beats the old Rita though. That lady deserves a lifetime achievement award. The costumes look weird and confining to me. Like how do you fight in that mess, but whatever. When they jump into those dino cars they looked cool. It’s weird seeing all this ranger shit with a budget. They even played the theme song “Go Go Power Rangers” and the whole audience screamed. It was a fun ride and worth the watch whether you like Power Rangers or not. I was not a big fan of the old Power Rangers and I still loved it. I even went home after and watched a bunch of old episodes on Netflix. I will be buying this on blu ray!

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Becky G. was Trini (Yellow Ranger) and she was cool and a lesbian. This is a big deal to have a main character like this to be a lesbian. Go Go Lesbian Ranger! 

power-rangers-movie-trailer-trini.png

 

The first time we heard of Beck G was in 2013 with her version of this song.

B. RJ Cyler was Billy (Blue Ranger) and he was the best one and he also had autism. This is also a cool step forward to have a character that has autism and also be a huge hero. Rj was also amazing in the movie Me and Earl and the Dying Girl check that out. I said this about him in that review. (D. RJ Cyler (Power Rangers NEW) was funny and real and will be a big star one day.)

C. The costumes are a little stiff and I don’t see how you can fight in them but whatever. In the movie they work and are fun. I wouldn’t wear it though.

D. Directed by Dean Israelite (Project Almanac). He did a good job with this movie and it was a fun ride. Now I want to see his other film. 

E. The new toys look like complete shit! Just fuckin trash! Throw this shit away.

power-rangers-movie-interactive-megazord-toys-r-us-canada-004.jpg

F. Bill Hader was Alpha 5  and he looked weird as fuck. 

G. Elizabeth Banks was cool as Rita Repulsa,

but nobody beats the original Rita though! She is queen!

H. Brian Tyler (The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo DriftAliens vs. Predator: RequiemFinal Destination 5Transformers PrimeThor: The Dark WorldAvengers: Age of Ultron) composed this score and his past work is generic and interchangeable at best. The new Power Rangers score had some fun stuff in it. Nothing too amazing though. Take a listen. Some of it sounded like TRON/Stranger Things rip off.

I. They talked about killing so much. It was amazing.

J. That stepped on Bumblebee from the Transformers or at least made a joke about it. I loved that. I would have said the same shit!

K. Here is every opening theme to every Power Rangers show ever. There are so many and so amazing.

L. This poster is neato.

“Get Out” or “White People Are Scary As Fuck!” my fuck review

Here is my review for “Get Out“. OH MY FUCKIN GOD! Yessss! Okay so this film starts with a couple named Chris (Daniel Kaluuya) and his girlfriend Rose (Allison Williams) and they are getting ready to go visit her white ass parents. She also has not told her parents that Chris is black. He is worried about this, but Rose does not care. His TSA friend says don’t go with her ass, but he loves her and shit. Anyway they go and her white ass parents are acting open-minded but something is off and they have a groundskeeper and housekeeper that act like robots and stare a lot. Shit keeps getting stranger and more clues that something is not right are keep popping up. The mother starts to plays mind games with Chris and fucks him up and then the shit hits the fan. Georgina the housekeeper is scooting around at top speed and crying. The groundskeeper is running at Chris like a bull. Then the racist shit pop off and it’s time to GET THE FUCK OUT!

Okay this movie is amazing! It’s intense, real, honest, scary, fucked up, and even funny at times. It’s like “The Stepford Wives” and “Rosemary’s Baby” and even a little “Invasion of the Body Snatchers” mixed together but in a current and relevant way. It may a touch a nerve with some, but I feel like good movies (art) always does. You will talk about it afterwards and maybe even for weeks to come. I mean you should be. The cast is great and there is a lot to guess at in this movie and even understand up until the very end. Writer/Director Jordan Peele gave it to you and you will want to see this film twice to get all things you missed the first go round. Daniel Kaluuya was great as Chris and Lakeith Stanfield (Atlanta, and he is about to play L in Death Note) is great also and he will be huge soon. The rest of the cast is great and you really feel dread for the Chris character and what he is going through. It’s for sure a horror film but you will learn a lot from it and what African-Americans go through on a daily basis. What they hear and see and are treated like. Just like a fuckin horror film. The cool thing about this movie and great movies in general is that you really will talk about this one for weeks after you have you watched it. Maybe somebody watching it will learn something too. It really is the first great film of 2017. It’s suspenseful and important. Go see it ASAP. You will be buying this one on blu ray.  

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A.Daniel Kaluuya (SkinsBlack MirrorKick-Ass 2, a new Watershed DownBlack Pantherwas great in this movie and is a new horror hero. You really want him to get out and escape and leave these white bitches behind. 

B. Jordan Peele is the writer and Director and I can’t wait to see more from him as a Director because already know he is funny. I hope they make a sequel too called “Get the Fuck Out!”

C. Georgina gave it to you! She was laughing and crying at the same goddamn time! YESSS! She was played by Betty Gabriel (The Purge: Election Year). She really summed up everything. 

D.Lakeith Stanfield is an interesting actor in this and in “Atlanta” and I can’t wait see him in Death Note also. 

A pic of him as L in Death Note.

E. Erika Alexander has a small part in this!  Who you say? Maxine from Living Single!!!!!!!! I love her!

F. The score was composed by Michael Abels and this is all he has done! I am impressed though. This track is great! It has a sort of The Twilight Zone feel to it.

G. Here is a list of interesting hidden secret things you may have missed in the movie. So many amazing things.

https://www.buzzfeed.com/erinchack/things-you-may-have-missed-in-get-out?utm_term=.le44m5aRq#.ot9jla8B4

Also a lot of memes have popped up and they are great.

H. Allison Williams is great in this because you hate her in this and everything she is in like GirlsPeter Pan Live! etc. She is “that” white girl. If you see her and you are like “OMG she is just like me” in any film or TV show that she is in then kill yourself. 

maxresdefault.jpg

I. This poster is nice.

“Kong: Skull Island” or “King Kong Goes to Vietnam or Apocalypse Kong” my fuckin review

Here is my review for “Kong: Skull Island“.  It’s 1973 and Vietnam is over and John Goodman is organizing a team to head to Skull Island to look for giant monsters. He needs a military team headed by Samuel L. Jackson to go with him. Samuel loves war and death and hates monkeys. They also need a pretty girl to go take photos for them so Brie Larson goes and a bunch of other people who do other stuff. So they head to the island and when they get to the island they load up the helicopters and tie big speakers to them so they can play their favorite 70’s songs, so that King Kong can hear them coming. When they see Kong they fly all their helicopter right into his face for some reason. Nobody turns or stops. Helicopters are not planes, they can stop and hover and shit. So all 10 or 20 copters are destroyed. Seriously all of them fly right into his goddamn face and hands. Anyway now everyone is trapped on Skull Island with other giant monsters and bad neighborhoods.  Samuel is pissed and just stands there a lot looking at a monkey that is the size of a fucking mountain. He is such a “bad ass” that he is not getting out-of-the-way of something that is the size of a building coming at him? I don’t understand. He is stupid. Is that the point? Step on him I hate him. Meanwhile everyone is running away. Then everyone gets separated and some country captain keeps writing his son letters for some reason, but that never pans out. Then they run into John C. Reilly who has been trapped on the island for years. He helps with some comic relief and sounds like he is improving his dialogue thank Kong (God). Later they all team up and hate Samuel as much as me. Then watch Kong fight a Skull demon Mortal Kombat style. I swear he throws a chain like Scorpion. We finally learn that Vietnam was a bad war and that not to fuck with the Ecosystem of the Earth etc. Stay until after the credits for a surprise about the future of Kong and Godzilla. 

Okay so I love the concept of King Kong. I love Monster movies. Ya know Godzilla, Rodan, Mothra, etc. but the monsters are only half your film. Shit, I thought by watching the trailer I would hate the John C. Reilly character because it would be too silly for this film, but he was the only one with half way distant lines. The rest of the characters were just forgettable. I was like step on them, who cares. It’s like honestly give me something to work with or remember here. The Director obviously liked “Apocalypse Now” and “Jurassic Park“, but you can quote those movies. You can’t quote this movie. Well unless you want to make fun of it. “Kong is king around here” Hahaha get real. Meanwhile we see 20 helicopters smashing into Kong because the script says we need all the people trapped on the island. So get those bitches on the ground no matter if it makes sense or not. Characters sacrificing themselves because it’s time for them to die because the others are more important? To be fair it happens in a lot movies. Who knows why. I guess in the end I think with King Kong you are supposed to feel emotion for that character out of all the monster movies. Like when he gets hurt or falls over, you are supposed to go, no not Kong. But really you don’t feel anything for anyone in this movie. I mean I guess if you love King Kong then you love seeing him on the big screen and seeing him fight monsters, there are a few cool shots and other monsters in the movie and that’s about it. It sounds like I hated it but I didn’t. It’s a big Hollywood movie and I was just disappointed in the characters, dialogue and the score. I wish I could felt something for King Kong. I would not buy it on Blu Ray though. It is better than that Peter Jackson shit, but I did love the weirdness of the 1976 version.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Tom HiddlestonBrie LarsonCorey HawkinsTian JingToby KebbellShea WhighamThomas Mann and Jason Mitchell were pretty much forgettable and just empty action figures and or bodies to be stepped on. If they are all replaced in the sequel that’s cool. I don’t know their character names etc. 

B.John Goodman plays John GoodmanSamuel L. Jackson play a guy who loves war and hates apes. 

C. Directed by Jordan Vogt-Roberts. Who directed “The Kings of Summer” which I loved. It doesn’t feel like the same director. 

D. The Dialogue was a mess and cheesy to me. Ya know eye rolly. Here is who wrote the screenplay Dan Gilroy (NightcrawlerMax Borenstein (Minority Report TV Show, Godzilla: King of MonstersGodzilla vs. Kong) and Derek Connolly (Jurassic WorldMonster TrucksUntitled Jurassic World SequelStar Wars: Episode IX).  These are the 3 dudes who wrote it and what they will be writing next. So get ready for more forgettable lines in the future.

E. A weird ass scene from the 1976 King Kong. At least it’s memorable.

F. Henry Jackman composed the score and like most of his scores it’s generic and forgettable. (X-Men: First ClassAbraham Lincoln: Vampire HunterG.I. Joe: RetaliationThe 5th WaveCaptain America: The Winter SoldierJack Reacher: Never Go Back)

G. I am excited about Godzilla vs. Kong coming in 2020 and Godzilla: King of Monsters in 2019. 

I hope in this movie there are cooler characters. Maybe an all female pop group caught in the middle of them fighting called “WHEN TEMPERS FLARE”.

H.  Look out! He right there! Turn!