“Pet Sematary 2019” or “Sometimes Dead Is Better, When You Are Watching This Movie” my fuckin review

Here is my review for “Pet Sematary“. This is a remake of the original “Pet Sematary” or the book whatever. I was excited about seeing this movie I don’t mind remakes if they are good.

Okay so the Creed family moves into a new house. They are a happy family with 2 kids and a cat named Church. Everything is cool until they see the neighborhood kids wearing advanced paper mache animal masks. I still can’t make a mask this good, but the neighborhood are and crafts are popping off. Eventually the Church gets ran over by a truck and the this old pervert next door helps them bury their cat on this mountain hours away. The mountain is curse or sour but it brings dead shit back to life. The parents say and do stupid shit then, one fo the kids gets hit by a car looking for the cat. Now the dad is sad (sort of) and goes and buries the little girl on the mountain and she comes back to life, but she is talking and having shitty conversations. In the end you realize that everyone in this movie sucks.

Okay listen, yes I do like the original film, but now I think I love it. This film made me realize that the original Pet Sematary movie was great. This new film you will literally hate the entire cast. They are all boring and forgettable and no it’s not scary. If anything it’s dumb and funny. It’s supposed to take place in Maine but that is clearly Canada, with those thick ass woods. No New England accents either. It’s in the original movie and it sells it. You may think who cares. Well it’s a Stephen King movie. His whole schtick is New England shit. So they blew it.

They also flip the script and the little girls is the first dead person to come back, but she is terrible and it feels like everything is she says is forced. Her acting is fake and feels like and acting class. I am not picking a kid either, the original kid that played Gage is only 2 years old and he deserved an Oscar for his part. The new Gage is barely in it and useless. Louis and Rachel are just 2 dummies walking around and you want them to die. Nothing feels natural and I was bored watching it. Even the cat is just a plain old dirty tabby with hair gel. It’s too much and yet not enough. Skip this movie and go watch the original that just got remastered and released on 4K. This new movie forgettable and will be lost in horror movie time.

 

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. I hate Church in this movie. He is just a dirty Tabby.

B. I hate Jason Clarke (Louis) in this movie.

C.I hate Amy Seimetz (Rachel) in this movie.


D. I hate Jeté Laurence (Ellie) in this movie. She needed her ass whipped. The ground and  her attitude were sour.

E. I hate Hugo Lavoie (Gage) in this movie.

F. I hate John Lithgow (Jud) in this movie.

G. I hate Alyssa Brooke Levine (Zelda) in this movie.

H. The music was composed by one fo my favorite composers (Christopher Young) and it was forgettable. I am sad about this. Listen here.

I. It was directed by Kevin Kölsch,(Starry EyesDennis Widmyer (Starry Eyes ). It was forced, boring, and the actors looked lost.

J. The Original Gage (Miko Hughes) should have gotten a lifetime achievement award when he was in this movie at 2 years old!

Denise Crosby played the original Rachel and this speech she gives and this scene are incredible. Both the new Rachel and new Zelda are shit.

Mary Lambert directed the original movie and she really did and amazing job, and it’s more interesting to see a female perspective on Pet Sematary.

J. The Poster is cluttered.

 

 

“Giant Little Ones” or “Life is Fluid” my fucking review

Here is my review for “Giant Little Ones“.

Okay the film starts off with 2 best friends, Franky and Ballas. They have been friends since they were little and are very close. They both have girlfriends and are popular in High School. One night after a party and drinking Ballas gives Franky a Blow Jay and Ballas is weirded out. Franky tries to talk to him and but also tries to understand why he liked it. Eventually Ballas lets the school know, but says Franky gave him the Blow Jay. Now the school hates him and makes fun of him on the daily. Franky eventually starts hanging out with the school “Slut” and they become good friends and start dating, at the same time Franky is dealing with his dad being gay. In the end we learn to just be happy and go with what makes you smile in life.

This movie really is good! It’s emotionally and realistic and not what you think. The relationship between Franky and Ballas is sad, but what happens to them probably happens to some many people growing up. Best friends that love each other their whole lives then try something sexual together. People who love each other and are close end up getting closer. They are not in love but just love for each other. Josh Wiggins does a great job and his confusion and understanding for what is happening is realistic. Taylor Hickson has complex issues that she is dealing with but her understanding of the situation is authentic. You really like all the characters in this movie, and thy are relatable. If you want to see a sort of coming of age story about being honest with your emotions and trying to understand sexuality and how it’s not just black and white, but fluid and how that affects people’s lives then go see this movie. It was great movie with an interesting story. Go see it.

 

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Directed by Keith Behrman (The Stagers) and he did a great job with this film.

B. Josh Wiggins (Max) played Franky and he was real and believable. Also complex.

C. Taylor Hickson (Deadly Class, Deadpool) played Natasha. She was great and her character was honest and sad. She gave it to you.

D. Darren Mann (Chilling Adventures of Sabrina) played Ballas and he was the saddest character in the movie and so many people in real life are probably living his character’s life.

E. The score was composed by Michael Brook (The Fosters, Good Trouble) and I liked it. Check it out.

F. Listen just love who you want to love and be with who you want to be with. Try and be happy in this world.

G. This says it all.

 

“Shazam!” or “Foster Heroes Rule” – my fuckin review

Here is my review for “Shazam!“. Listen I think the character’s of Shazam and Bill Batson are fun, so I was excited to see this movie.

Okay the film starts off with Billy Batson and he is a runaway foster kid. He gets caught by the police and sent to a new foster home to live. There he meets his new foster brothers and sisters, but he is like fuck everyone. He ends up running away from some bullies and then bumps into a Wizard that gives him super powers. He turns into a 30-year-old when he says the word “Shazam”. Now Billy and his foster-brother Freddie try to figure out his powers and learn what it means to be a hero. Eventually a white guy shows up who is the villain and Billy has to enlist all his foster brothers and sisters to help. Will they stop this white bitch?

Okay I really had fun watching this movie. Yes, everyone is burned out on super hero movies, but there are some fun things about this one. Asher Angel and Jack Dylan Grazer and the other foster kids make this movie. They are funny and are smart asses. When the kids aren’t on-screen you keep thinking cut back to those kids. They really make this movie interesting and likable. I was not into the villain though. He was just a boring ass white man (Mark Strong), but I guess that’s real though. Those are the villains of today. Zachary Levi was believable and had fun with it. Playing an adult as a kid is always weird and hard to do. Kids aren’t that kid like in reality. They are smart as fuck and will tell you to fuck off. The score was pretty generic and boring. If you are looking for a theme song you will not remember any from this movie.

In the end when all the foster kids become heroes you are excited as fuck about this and I hope they make a sequel with all them in it. That movie seems even more fun. So if you are into a kids romp or you  are missing being a kid then this is the movie for you. There are some witty things in this film and the foster kids steal the show. No there is no dong jokes. If I was a kid then turned into a 30-year-old man, then I am looking at my new dong first.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. David F. Sandberg (Annabelle: Creation , Lights Out) directed this movie. Although I am not a fan of his 2 horrors, you can watch those films and see this director has some interesting things about his work. He did a good job with this film.

B. Zachary Levi (The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel , Chuck) did a good job as Shazam. You like him as the character and he fits the part.

D. The score was composed by Benjamin Wallfisch (It, Hellboy, A Cure for Wellness ) and it’s very generic to me. Take a listen.

E. Jack Dylan Grazer (It) has only really done 2 films and he is amazing in both. He is like a 50-year-old actor wrapped up in a kids body. He sold this movie the most and is the star of it. Give him a lifetime achievement award already.

Adam Brody (The O.C.) plays the adult version of Freddie. This great.

F. Ian Chen (Fresh Off the Boat) is funny as hell in everything. Literally he is my hero.

Ross Butler (13 Reasons Why, Riverdale) plays the adult him. This is great.

G. Foster kids before and after! They were fun and you really wanted to see more of them.

H. Asher Angel (Andi Mack) did a good job and his back story is sad. His ass will surely be a star one day.

I. Here is a collection of clips from Justice League and Young Justice showing off Shazam’s powers etc.

I. Cute. If I had super powers I would be a villain for sure. Just cuz I was bored.

 

“US” or “Tether My Ass Scared” – my fuckin review

Here is my review for “Us“. This is Jordan Peele‘s second film! Will it be as good as GET OUT? Is he a one hit wonder or whatever?

Okay so this movie starts off with a little girl who gets lost at the LOST BOYS amusement park on the beach. She ends up in a fun house and runs into Doppelganger down there. She gets back with her parents and she is scared for years. Later the little girl grows up to be Lupita Nyong’o and she is married now and has kids. Now they are all headed back to the beach for fun, Lupita hates the beach because she saw that creepy twin of hers there. It’s night-time and now there is a sketchy family attacked them who also looks just like them. Their doppelgänger/twins hate them and want to see them dead. The chase is on and these Tethered evil twins want blood. In the end you must fight your real enemy who happens to be yourself.

Okay Jordan Peele is giving it to us. You can see he loves horror films from the past, but he is giving his new life. Lupita Nyong’o is amazing in this film as both good and evil characters. So much so you don’t even know who to root for. She really is great in this movie. The whole family is amazing, both versions of them. One family you love because they are fun-loving and real. The other family you love because they are scary and mean as hell. Listen its 2019 and audiences want their horror movies to be smart and witty. This one is both. There is a line that Adelaide Wilson says to her daughter when the shit is about to hit the fan, “Go put your shoes on”. That one line really sums up how smart this movie is. We are so used to seeing dummies in horror movies run around and not think or be prepared (not all horror movies but a lot of them). I really love that line. In the movie “The StrangersLiv Tyler character is bare foot and when shit is going down you see her literally push shoes out-of-the-way. She should be putting shoes on and getting ready to fight. She doesn’t. The Wilson family in “Us” is smart and ready for action.

There are some parts that you will figure out early on, but even then you will think, did I really figure it out. It really keeps you guessing about everyone and even after it is over you will be thinking back about the film and realizing new shit. I bet if you watch this movie 5 more times you will still be learning and seeing secrets. I love the whole idea about being tethered to a bad you, that you want to get rid of. I love that your worst enemy is you. I love that maybe you yourself are the bad person. I love that the government is involved. I love their costumes. It really gives it to you. We can write pages about this movie but stopping reading spoilers and go see the movie and see what your perception of the movie will be. You will be scared and entertained the whole way through.

 

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Jordan Peele is popping off! We are excited for more films by him. He really is making scary and smart horror films.

B. Lupita Nyong’o listen she is giving it to you in this movie on all levels. 

C. A detailed article about the film. In case you are lost or something.

https://shadowandact.com/the-ending-of-us-explained-review

D. If you are still feeling lost after the movie here is another link that explains some things. It’s interesting. A lot I missed.

https://www.slashfilm.com/us-movie-ending/

E. A new theory that Michael Myers is tethered.

https://movieweb.com/us-halloween-thethered-fan-theory-michael-myers/?fbclid=IwAR1VINTFveYwjnUAtec4TdkPXbanomXOgr0g5az2xwVsiT9FUqGy7ctB0DA

F. This costume is scary and will look good this Halloween.

G. Mixing this song into score is brilliant and also mocks other horror films for always slowing down rock songs to a creepy version. The score was composed by Michael Abels (Get Out ) and so far 2 great scores.

H. Tim Heidecker (Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!) and Elisabeth Moss (The Handmaid’s Tale) were great in this and fun to watch.

I. What a great poster.

 

“Captain Marvel” or “CGI Space Cat in the 90’s” – my fuckin review

Here is my review for “Captain Marvel“. The Marvel one.

Okay so Captain Marvel is here and she is flying around and strong and shit. The film starts off with CM dealing with space shit and fighting aliens and such. Then she crashes on Earth and it’s the 90’s. Enter Blockbuster video and internet jokes etc. She runs into Nick Fury and he is a lot younger. Now they are an unlikely pair or buddy cops. They are trying to find Annette Bening and some bad elf aliens and learn that not everything is what it seems. They eventually run into a CGI cat named Garfield that looks weird and silly. In the end you realize that you will not be joining the Air Force and that playing “I’m just a girl” by No Doubt in a fight scene doesn’t really work.

Okay I guess I wanted to like this movie more but it came off hokey to me. Maybe that’s what Marvel wants to do now, get silly. I guess the 90’s were a crazier time. Brie Larson is good in it, until she goes full CGI and then it looks like a video game. Samuel J. is always a hoot, but sometimes looks weird in CGI young EFX. The other characters were basically just flat bad guys and some generic aliens. She had a best friend (Lashana Lynch) that I thought would be more interesting. If they were a couple it would have been. The score had some cool moments in it and some of the 90’s songs worked well and some didn’t. I think it’s becoming hard to review super hero movies now, because there are so many of them and they are the same plots on loop. So you look for anything that’s cool or stands out with them. You do like Brie as a superhero but you really just want to see her in the Avengers with the other cast members. Maybe origin stories are just over. We really just want to see where they are going.

If you love Marvel you will probably love this movie. If you don’t you will roll your eyes at some things. There were some scattered messages about female empowerment that I liked. The ones that worked were great and the ones that didn’t stood out badly. I am glad they are finally letting women be the main superheroes in films. I loved Wonder Woman, but this one is just okay. It’s making money so that means they will make more so that’s great. I bet little kids will love it more when that CGI cat splats against a wall. I said “this is too much”.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Brie Larson (United States of Tara, Kong: Skull Island) was fun as super hero. She sells it.

B. Directed by Anna Boden and Ryan Fleck (The both directed It’s Kind of a Funny Story too).

C. Samuel L. Jackson is fun in everything even when he is CGI.

D. We can’t wait to see her in the Avenger’s movie, cuz this movie was just okay. Here is an article about how Bri said this movie isn’t made for white men. That’s great though.

https://www.cbr.com/captain-marvel-brie-larson-not-made-for-white-men/

E. Music composed by Pinar Toprak (Krypton TV, Fortnite Video Game). Here is a great track

F. CGI cat I hated. Somebody thought this was funny, but Garfield does it better hanging from you back window.

G. They did play Garbage “Only happy when it rains”. I did love that.

H. This poster is cute.

 

“Alita: Battle Angel” or “Everything Looks Real But Feels Dead” – my fuckin review

Here is my review for “Alita: Battle Angel“. Listen I love Robert Rodriguez his characters are amazing in his movies. I love James Cameron he is a brilliant perfectionist. Now they are working together. What will happen?

Okay so the films starts off with this Cyborg girl waking up and running around. Her name is Alita and she is laughing and rollerblading etc. She meets this guy who she likes a lot and they start dating. Later the bad robots show up and starting trying to kill her and ruin her rollerblading. What can a Cyborg girl do? Cartwheels and beat the shit out of everything. In the end we realize there is no ending.

Okay so like I said I love both the directors but together they cancelled out what makes each special. The dialogue is flat as fuck in this movie. Just boring and lifeless. Yes, Alita and her robot friends look real as hell. It really looks amazing, but it’s empty. I know that a lot of directors are writing for the planet now. It’s a global movie, which means things are generic so nothing gets lost in translation. You will get it, it’s the basics. They get it all over the Earth, but it feels like there is no flavor. Everything really is just dull. Go watch any Robert Rodriguez film and you will come out laughing and love the characters and dialogue. This one is lost in itself. Cameron starting making Global movies when he made Avatar. Ya know all the dialogue and the story was basic. Everyone complained about that too. It looked amazing but felt lifeless. Now I guess it’s a thing, listen I get it. The world wants to see these movies not just some jerks in the U.S., but something memorable is lost. You love the effects and the fight scenes, but that is it. Even the ending is a cliffhanger that we will never get to see. It’s a weird let down in the end. I didn’t hate the movie, I just wished it could have been more and I think I am in too deep with these Directors. See it in theaters in 3D. This movie will look like shit on a TV.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Directed by Robert Rodriguez (Desperado The Faculty Spy Kids Machete). Written by James Cameron Laeta Kalogridis and Robert Rodriguez I love both directors, but together it has no real personality.

B. Rosa Salazar did a good job as Alita. She looked real and felt real. She only had one memorable line “Fuck your mercy”.

C. Her human boyfriend. Keean Johnson (The Fosters Nashville) He was boring.

D. Mahershala Ali was just a generic bad guy. I wish he would have just been a person with goals. haha

E. Dog blood. What?

F. I wish this movie had memorable characters and lines.

G. Music was composed by Junkie XL. It felt generic.

H. Cute poster.

 

“Happy Death Day 2U” or “Get Your Ass To The Multiverse”- my fuckin review

Here is my review for “Happy Death Day 2U“. The original Happy Death Day was a fun and amazing feel good movie. Make sure you watch part one before part 2.

The movie starts off right where the last one left off. This time from the roommate that keeps opening the dorm room door in the first scene, the guy talking about her vagina every time. They all figure out that they are in a time loop pretty fast, but they all end up in a multiverse. Another universe where shit is similar but also different. Tree has to figure out if she is staying in this new multiverse with dead relatives or go back to her old one. Also who the new killers are. In the end shit gets crazy and stay for the post credit scene.

Okay so listen I love the first movie. I love the character Tree. I love who plays Tree (Jessica Rothe ). This movie is fun but it’s crazier and sillier than the first film. It’s great seeing a different universe with the cast of the first film with a twist. When the fun parts were happening they were genuinely fun, but when shit was silly it got super silly. The silly shit is cringey for sure. Like some of it is goofy as fuck. I know they were trying to make scenes look like a crazy 80’s movie, but it’s 2019. We are over that shit. There are a group of College nerds and they are just dumb and annoying as fuck.

This time finding the killer is just a side plot, that you really don’t care about anymore. You just want to see more crazy multiverse stuff. You kept thinking maybe giant spiders would show up or aliens or Tree would fight another version of herself. They opened the door to fun, but it was capped. We were having fun with that and they needed to go further. Okay that being said, you will have fun watching it and roll your eyes throughout. I do hope they make a part 3.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Christopher Landon directed this movie. He directed Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones and wrote DisturbiaParanormal Activity 2, 3 and 4. His father is Michael Landon from Little House on the Prairie.

B.  Jessica Rothe (She was in La La Land  as somebody?) plays Tree. She really is a cool final girl and her personality backs it up. 

D. Israel Broussard (The Bling Ring , Fear the Walking Dead) is back as Carter. He sells that good guy role but they should have made him gay in the multiverse.

E. The score is composed by Bear McCreary (Terminator: The Sarah Connor ChroniclesBattlestar GalacticaThe Walking Dead) and it was fun. His stuff is pretty great.

F. These group of nerds are terrible and silly. They could have been more interesting and memorable.

G. Here is her ringtone if you want it. I did.

H. I do love these posters.