Here is my review for “Jem and the Holograms“. Okay let me first start off by saying I love the cartoon “Jem“. The story, the characters, and the music for it are fucking amazing. So really these new Producers/Directors had it handed to them with a bow. How could they fuck up something that was already such a huge success and lasted the test of time? That being said I was excited to hear they were making a live action movie about Jem. I couldn’t wait to hear more about this new stylized film with cool over-the-top characters and music. Unfortunately I learned fast it was not going to be that, so I have known this mess was coming for a while, and it was not going to be the Jem anyone knew or loved. It would be some toned down, YouTube version of Jem that would only have male writers and Directors. Trust me that matters because it’s a show about women/girls etc. So going into the movie I was not expecting much, because the trailer already let everyone down. Literally the trailer came out and CNN talked about how everyone hated it immediately for many reasons. I still went into the movie hoping for the best because fuck it’s a Jem movie.
Okay now back to the movie. The film begins with Jerrica Benton (Aubrey Peeples) and her Sister Kimber (Stefanie Scott) living with their Aunt Molly Ringwald and 2 foster girls Aja (Hayley Kiyoko) and Shana (Aurora Perrineau) because their parents are dead. They can all can sing, etc. One night Jerrica films herself wearing pink wig and singing a song she wrote. Kimber takes the video and puts it on YouTube under the name Jem and it goes mega viral. The song is boring as fuck and honestly nobody would click on that shit. Anyway she is an internet hit and a big music Producer named Erica Raymond (in the cartoon it was Eric Raymond) wants Jem on her label. Erica is a smart evil bitch and played by Juliette Lewis. Honestly she is the most fun thing about the movie. I’m even okay with her being female and owning the company Starlite Enterprises. At least that is cool. So Jem and the Holograms are born and they take some dumb ass fucking little robot with them named 51n3rgy (which was called Synergy in the cartoon and was a hologram woman) that Jerrica and Kimber’s dad built. It just beeps and projects shit, and wants them to find more pieces of itself all over the city so that it can be completed. Yes, they are sort of building a robot and trying to find pieces of it that are hidden across L.A. Later they meet this hot dude named Rio, who in the movie is Erica Raymond’s son. Then Erica takes them for a makeover but Jerrica is having problems with her Jem personality that she her-fuckin-self came up with. Jerrica thinks she is living a lie? Ummm I guess like all the other big musicians out there with fake stage names. Get real! So we are supposed to think that somehow getting a fuckin makeover and new clothes is bad or selling out or losing yourself ? Hahaha this is every teen girls fantasy. Shit it’s my fantasy. BUY ME SHIT! Remember douchey dudes filmed this movie. Maybe they thinks it’s wrong to spend a man’s money or some shit. Shit gets crazy and Jem fights with the holograms over the record contract because Erica wants only JEM. Basically Jerrica is trying to save their house, but the Holograms think it’s more important to be homeless/broke and a no name shitty band. In then end they have to break into the record label that they work for to get her earrings back. Let me say that again. They break into the record label they work for. That’s like saying you are going to work the next day and say you broke in. Jerrica needs the earrings so that she can plug them into the shit bot so that it can project an image of her fuckin dad, so that he can tell her she did a great job putting the robot together. Now do what? Jerrica’s dead dad has recorded himself before he died so that he could tell Jerrica in the future that she did a good job putting the robot together. Also the robot does nothing else. I would smash that bitch and throw it out the window for wasting my time. FUCK YOU HOLOGRAM DAD! But wait, there is one last song and Jerrica has decided that she wants to be herself and not Jem because that is fake or some shit, but then she decides to still be Jem. hahah Your message doesn’t make sense dickheads. She tells the audience everyone is Jem. Hahahaha I am Jem bitch! hahah Then as we are about to walk of this movie and kill ourselves during the end credits we see Erica Raymond going down a haunted house looking street corner that is glowing in the dark. Where the Misfits are hanging out. Then Pizazz walks out and it’s KESHA! WHAT THE FUCK! Yes, this is the movie we wanted to see, but didn’t get. We got 5 minutes of it in the fuckin end credits. In the goddamn end credits. AHHHHHHHHHHH!
THIS WHOLE MOVIE IS ONE MISSTEP AFTER ANOTHER. Not because we love the cartoon, because your film doesn’t make sense and acts like teens girls are dumb, and that nobody else could possibly like this content. This could have been a stylized over-the-top music sci-fi adventure. Instead nobody saw it. They could have made something cool and memorable. Instead you made the world sad. You made the fuckin world sad bitch! If you are Jem fan you will see this movie like I did and be sad, then smile for a second when it reminds you of the cartoon. If you are not a Jem fan you will think this is literally confusing trash that is incoherent and boring. I understand updating these characters for 2015 or whatever but you fucked up and literally made this film for nobody. I took a picture of the theater I was in and nobody was in it. So yeah you made it for nobody. In the end watch it on NETFLIX for a laugh and to see that they made a Jem movie that could have been something cool and amazing. Instead it’s a YouTube rags to riches shit story. Like how Justin Bieber made it big. I forgot to mention how they keep cutting to random YouTube videos the whole movie. I guess they think teens need to see random fuckin YouTube videos so they won’t be bored. I have no idea why they are in the film otherwise. You are insulting to teens though. I’m sad about the film. I’m glad they are remaking the toys and merch and that more people know who Jem is. I could write about this for days but fuck it. Just go watch the cartoon on Netflix and be happy.
A. Juliette Lewis as Erica Raymond was the best part about this movie because she was cool, bitchy, and fun. In the original cartoon it was a male named Eric Raymond. Oddly enough though she was supposed to be evil but just made sense to me the whole movie.
B. Jerrica/Jem was boring and forgettable. You mean to tell me this mousey ass bitch getting out of a limo is supposed to stop people in their fuckin tracks with this outfit and hair? Haha bitch please. I would trip her. The Holograms were more memorable. Jerrica/Jem acted like a dumb cry baby who didn’t know how to delete a video.
I mean look at this below, I would wreck my car if saw this coming at me.
C. The Misfits are what made the Jem cartoon fun, by leaving them out you blew it. You showed them during the fucking end credits. Literally the 10 people who saw this movie said “Ummm that’s the movie we wanted to see you stupid fucks”. I mean watch this and have your dicks explode. Imagine Kesha singing this live with effects etc.
D. Having Rio secretly own Starlite Enterprises is stupid. In the cartoon Jerrica owned it. A woman. Now a guy has to? You literally had woman running the company and took it away from her and handed it to a man. This movie was made by 3 douchey dudes. At least ask the woman who made the goddamn cartoon what they thought. A man literally did nothing at the end of this movie to save the day but secretly own the company. WTF!
E. Going to get new clothes and new hair is not changing who you are bitch! It’s a make over and it’s fun because you are boring and ugly. If someone rich said lets go get new shit cuz I’m rich. I wouldn’t say “I can’t, I want to stay Eddie Ray, It’s who I really am”. FUCK YOU! I will change my name to fuckin Becky Diamonds and spin around on stage nude right now if you pay my fuckin rent bitch!
F. Kesha as Pizzaz is amazing and it’s the movie we want to see. You didn’t make that movie though. You made a boring teen girl movie written by middle-aged men who know nothing about being a teen girl. So teen girls could care less. You took out the action and adventure and sci-fi elements that the cartoon had so guys don’t care. You took out the fashion and big hair so women and gay guys don’t care. You took out the cool story and character stuff that the fans of the cartoon loved so they don’t care. Who the fuck did you make this movie for? Literally nobody because it tanked. It’s the 4th worst opening for a movie ever.
Here is a video somebody made where they take a Kesha song and put it to a Misfits video. It’s literally perfect.
G. Sometimes they would throw you a bone. Like there goes a character’s name we recognize. Zipperrrrrrrrrr then that’s it.
H. The music was pretty good. I mean it sounded like cheesy pop. Jem songs always kinda sounded that way. Here is Jem’s hit in the movie. Also a link to listen to the whole soundtrack.
“I’m Still Here”
“The Way I Was”
I. 51n3rgy was literally a waste of time. They put this fuckin stupid robot together so that it could project a hologram of Jerrica’s dad telling her she did a good job putting the robot together. So he made this advance technology so that in the future Jerrica could go on a scavenger hunt to find the pieces to put it together so that it could tell her she did a good job putting it together. WHAT THE FUCK! It literally did nothing else. I am serious. It didn’t project holograms to help them or clothing or whatever. Just the message of their dad and maps to its own pieces. Basically their dad could have made a VHS tape saying the same shit and hid it in a Little Mermaid case. What a dumb dumb dumb fucking waste of time in the film and a character! Literally kill me.
Honestly which would you rather see?
This robotic piece of shit that beeps and does nothing but project and image of her dead father?
Or this Holographic Electronic Disco Version of Olivia Newton John that projects literally anything- clothing, cars animals, people, and dumpsters?
J. What is sad is that during the last song Jem sings they cut to real people talking about how much they love Jem (Jem the cartoon, people submitted videos to the filmmakers), they are wearing wigs and Jem T-shirts etc. This was the only real emotion this movie could give you. Real fans talking about the real love for the Jem cartoon. Not the movie. It made you more sad about this film.
K. The most Jem like moment in the film was when Jem sung by herself on stage and had a lot of pink make up on without the holograms, but the filmmakers made it seem like this was the moment she had sold out and lost herself. What? The most Jem like moment and we are supposed to dislike it? UMMMM FUCK YOU!
L. Here is the announcement video that three douchey dudes made announcing that they were making this movie. Notice how they are playing with Nerf guns the whole time. It’s like they don’t take it seriously. This was day one I knew it was going to be a mess. The Director is Jon M. Chu (Step Up 3D, G.I. Joe: Retaliation, Justin Bieber: Never Say Never, and Justin Bieber’s Believe). The Producers Jason Blum (he Produces a lot of Horror movies) and Scooter Braun (Justin Bieber’s old Best Friend). They are getting death threats now from fans. Good!
M. Literally a picture of the theater I was in. Completely empty.
N. There are some Jem cartoon cameos in this movie. They should have asked them how to write it and Direct it. Samantha Newark plays a hairstylist. She is the voice of Jerrica and Jem in the cartoon. Britta Phillips is the stage manager. She is the singing voice for Jem in the cartoon. Also Christy Marx plays Lindsey Pierce. Christy is the creator of the Jem cartoon. She was not asked for her input on the story or movie. That was a huge mistake.
I mean listen and be amazed and dazzled bitch! Christy Marx we love you and you made true magic!
O. Maybe the filmmakers are right. Maybe over-the-top outfits and hair don’t make sense in 2015. OH WAIT THE DO! FUCK YOU! Look around at musicians and bands all over the fuckin world bitch!
P. The poster.
Q. Me leaving the theater.