“Avengers: Age of Ultron” or “Avengers: Ultra Spader”- my fuckin review

Here is my review for “Avengers: Age of Ultron“. Okay so I love Joss Whedon‘s shit. I’m not a huge Marvel fan but I enjoyed the first “The Avengers” movie, the “Captain America: The Winter Soldier” and the “Guardians of the Galaxy” so far the most. I also enjoy that at least Marvel is making all this shit connect. Okay so this time the Avengers are all back. Iron Man, Thor, Captain America, Black Widow, The Hulk, and Hawk Eye get back that Loki staff and try to make artificial intelligence out of it somehow. It ends up making a robot named Ultron that is James Spader. Ultra Spader is now born and pissed. He gets twins named Quicksilver and Scarlett Witch to help him (he can run fast and she can control people with her mind and rip things apart). Now the Avengers must save the world from Ultra Spader while dealing with personal problems like Hulk love, Hawk Eye having kids, and a purple robot showing up. In the end more shit pops off, more superheroes sign up and some learn that the real adventure is raising kids and having a family. Okay so Joss Whedon is a good director and he knows how to get a cast of people together and make them beleivable and make them look they are having fun. He also makes his villains seem real and funny. You know like real people.  Whedon makes lovable bad guys! This movie is even bigger than the first movie and they packed it full of cameos and crazy ass shit. You will be overwhelmed. Which is a good thing I guess, because I was never bored. They do take some time to find some emotion with each character so you give shit about what they are doing and where they are going. They tried with the two new twin characters but to me they were boring and forgettable. Meanwhile the rest of the cast knows how to sell their shit and you love seeing them again hanging out and blowing shit up. It’s a movie that should be seen on the big screen for sure. Go see their big asses. So if you love Marvel, the Avengers, Joss Whedon, a shit load of superheroes running around and everyone and their mom in this movie then go see it. You will have fun watching it if you are not tired of superhero movies yet.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Ultron was a good bad guy because he was written and played real. One of James Spader‘s best roles.

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B. 2015 is the year of “family is the real adventure” in storylines. A character will quit the team to go be with their wife/husband and kids. Learning the lesson that family is the real adventure, not all the fun you are having with all these superheroes and shit. Shut the fuck up! Is this some sort of weird Millennial plot? Ummmmmm How bout I keep my job saving the world and take care of this shitty family too. So the kids have a planet to take a shit on and I keep paying the bills!

C. Captain America makes sense in a weird way to me. He is disillusioned by America. They were smart to write him this way. Chris Evans really seems believable as this character.

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D. I always forget Blackwidow’s name. I wish her name was Susie Cart-wheel. Her and the Hulk can’t have kids. Womp Womp. Some consider this a blessing. Just give Scarlett Johansson her own movie as this character. 

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E. This movies QuickSilver was a let down. His outfit was terrible. He looked like a manager who had just gotten off work at the Sports Authority. After the amazing Quicksilver in “X-Men: Days of Future Past“, this one was a forgettable bust.

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Evan Peters Ouicksilver from “X-Men: Days of Future Past” was funny, entertaining, memorable, and great. I want to see more of him.

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F. At least Joss tries to put emotion in these big budget movies. The struggle is real.

G. Scarlett Witch was mopey and boring. I wonder what time she gets off at Hot Topic and if she can get me a discount off of Sailor Moon T-Shirts.

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H. Joss Whedon said he is tired of making these movies. They do look hard to make.

I. The score bored me. It was composed by 2 people? Brian Tyler and Danny Elfman. Looks like Elfman was brought in to help. It didn’t help.

J. Cluttered. Too Much. It looks like a 15-year-old girls scrap-book nightmare.

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“It Follows” or “You Better Fuck and Run” my fuckin review

Here is my review for “It Follows“. Okay so this movie starts off with this teenage girl running out her front door in lingerie and high heels. She is in suburbia and is scared shitless. The score is loud, scary and electronic. Okay you got my attention! I’m into this shit already. Now back to the story. A girl named Jay goes out on a date with this sketchy ass dude and they have sex. Then the shit hits the fan when he tells her that he has passed something along to her that will make these monster hooker things come after her. They/It will stop at nothing to get to her. No matter where she is they/it will keep coming towards her until they/it get her. Unless she passes it to someone else sexually, but if they/it get to them before they pass it to someone else then it will come back after her ass again. So fuck or be fucked, but luckily her suburba friends are there to help her. Some of the they/it hookers even come after her nude as fuck! I would be running and screaming. Will Jay and her Suburba teens survive? Will they fuck their way out-of-town? Is the only safe sex, no sex? Do Scooby-Doo plans ever work? Go see this movie to find out! Okay so this movie is amazing. I loved it. I have not had this fun in a horror movie in years bitch! It was creepy, intense and scary. It also felt like an homage to “A Nightmare on Elm Street” in all the right ways. Even the way it was filmed and they way Jay was stalked felt like “Halloween“. It was fuckin great. You will love the Suburba Teens in this film because they were memorable, likable and fun. Without good teens (or humans) in a horror film your movie will collapse in on itself. When was the last time we had good teens in a horror movie? The score blew my goddamn mind. It was composed by Disasterpeace aka Rich Vreeland and it’s one of the best horror scores I have heard in years. It will become a horror movie soundtrack staple for years to come. The first track “Heels” gets your attention and later in the film the track “Inquiry” solidifies the entire score for me. I also love how that one part of the film’s premise is a typical horror movie cliché, that teens having sex will get them killed. Then they flip that shit on you and that the teens need to have sex to survive. That is brilliant. I love their Scooby-Doo approach at trying to save Jay from they/it, that was fun and dumb in a good way. Even the typical horror movie opening ending is great. Go see this movie or you will regret it. So if you love great horror movies, suburba teens, suspense, great horror score, a fun story, memorable characters, and homages to great horror movies then this is the movie for you. I loved it and say go see it ASAP. You will have fun watching it and be scared too. I have seen it twice already. If you love horror movies then you will have fun watching this one even if you don’t love it as much as I do.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Maika Monroe plays Jay in this movie and she is great and memorable. She was also in the movie “The Guest”. Is she the new Scream Queen? I hope so. You won’t forget those eyes.

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B. John Carpenter said this about the film. Enough said really. I would cry if John said this about anything I made.

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C. David Robert Mitchell directed this movie and I can’t wait to see more from him in the future. Here he is telling you not to talk during the movie.

D. A Nightmare on Elm Street had great suburba teens in it. It Follows pays homage to Nightmare and Halloween and I loved that!

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E. In the film the character Yara uses a Clamshell E-Reader throughout the film. I want one so bad, but it’s not real.

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F. Here is the opening score that gets your attention by Rich Vreeland. It’s amazing and I have been listening to for weeks now. I love this shit. Check out some samples here.

Opening track “Heels”

When shit gets real “inquiry”

I got it on record too. Here is a pic I took.

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G.  Lili Sepe as Kelly, Olivia Luccardi as Yara, and Keir Gilchrist and as Paul. I love all these Suburba Teens and they are all great characters. 

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H. It is coming to get you. Fuck this scary ass bitch!

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I. If you are going to die, then do it fucking.

J. The food in this movie was amazing. It was like OMFG cola, sandwiches, pickles, jello, chips, etc. I was who catered this a 5th grader. Amazing.

K. The poster is amazing and I want it!

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A note from some of the Cast and Crew of Satanic Panic 2: Battle of the Bands

Our film Satanic Panic 2: Battle of the Bands is about to screen at the Atlanta Film Festival on March 27th at 6:30pm. I asked some of the cast and crew to write a little something about the film or each other. Here is what they wrote.

From MATT GALLO B. aka Elza Bob:

Playing B. Elza Bob often skullfucked my soul—wearing layers of satan garb in the middle of summer. Wardrobe malfunctions. Long days of battle scenes. Yelling, kicking, screaming. Ugh! It takes a lot out of you! But I knew, despite it all, that I lucked out. All around me, amazing and gifted people worked as hard as I did (and probably harder). Some were singers and musicians. There were Dancers. Designers. Directors. Funny people. Sexy people. And two amazing storytellers, Max and Eddie. Everyone it could possibly take to film a movie about Satanic pop artists was there. We laughed, we hugged, we cried and bitched (all in equal amounts). I even got slapped a few times! But hey—when you’re welcomed into the world of Eddie Ray and get to know and love everyone who worked on this film, this magical chaos becomes part of your life and you learn to love every second of it.

From KEVIN VICKERY aka Little Horn:

I’m very proud to consider myself a part of this team of multi-talented filmmakers and lifelong friends. Without the hard work, writing talents and inspired vision of Eddie Ray and Max Fisher, there wouldn’t be a movie to watch at the Atlanta Film Festival or any warm memories made in the process. And we couldn’t have made a movie about the number-one-band-on-the-planet without the out-of-this-world musical talents of Dan Foley and Cherry Delrosario or the various other bands in The Battle of the Bands. Of course this dream world would never have become reality without the awesome crew who volunteered their energy and expertise to make it happen. Victoria Cook and Matt Gallo breathed life into the film with their remarkable animation and graphic design. And last but not least, I count myself incredibly lucky to have worked with such an all-star cast. These actors and actresses light up the screen with their larger-than-life characters and one-in-a-million acting talents. It’s hard to pull off an action-comedy-drama-horror-romance and all of these guys made it looks easy!

From LAURA KRUEGER aka Susan:

When I was approached by Eddie Ray to be a part of his artistic visions, I jumped at the chance. Eddie has a way of curating the most interesting, down to earth, creative, and unique people to be a part of his life and his work (often times the two blend together seamlessly with him), so I considered it a very high honor to be asked to participate. I had a blast! Seriously, the best thing you could do for yourself as an artist is to be with people who do this shit because they love it. Because if they don’t, they”ll explode, or go off on some kind of rampage. Ebola Entertainment has been built on the dreams of one, but he willingly shares all of the glory with his creative team, which is more often than not also his dearest friends. For a movie about Satanism, I really have nothing but warm fuzzies to feel from the whole experience. The movie is so much fun! The acting is superb, the special effects are dope, the whole experience was so fun and easy, the music is amazing, everyone did it to 10. I am so proud to be a part of this work of art!!!

From JAMES YATES aka Dick Dano:

Being Dick Dano is a weird experience because a lot of his interactions are on the phone. I get my pages from Eddie but I don’t get to read the whole thing. So when I get to see the finished film…the HILARIOUS performances from Satanic Panic and the way Max cuts it all together I get to experience it with the audience and just be blown away. HOLY SHIT THEY ARE SO FUNNY! And the songs are beyond. I got to be at the video shoot for “Skinny White Bitch” and I peed. ! It’s also hard to be Dick because I have to hate Cherry, Matt, Kevin, and Marlinda but they’re just too goddamn charming.

From CHERRY DELROSARIO aka Penny Graham:

I remember the first day we started filming the first Satanic Panic. I remember thinking “Hmm, I don’t know most of these people (Marlinda, Kevin, Matt and Max) that well. This’ll be a good opportunity to get to know them.” And by the end of filming Satanic Panic 2 we’d shared so many hilarious and tiring moments–I feel these people are like family to me! Real friendships came from this project and it doesn’t always happen that way. And none of it would have happened without Eddie. So many people came out to contribute to this film, mostly because they believe in Eddie. Ultimately, this Satanic film was built on friendship! HA! On top of the mushy love and kisses, ALL of these people are brilliant and talented and I couldn’t ask for more. Hail Satan.

From MARLINDA PHILLIPS aka Annie Cryce:

I’m often asked “What is Satanic Panic? Is it a movie, a band, or chaos?”  It’s all of the above but even more than that for me. I’m honored to play Annie Cryce in the movie, not just for the role, but the people I met while filming. I met my fellow cast members through Eddie Ray, our director and savior. He brought this project to us and we, as believers, brought it to life. Max Fisher our editor, spent an endless amount of time, energy, and thanks to him, he made us all look good. Without Max and Eddie’s dedication, this movie would’ve never happened. And if it wasn’t for this film I would’ve never met my Satanic Panic family, who I am formed bonds with through sweat stains, broken acrylic nails, and endless jokes about klit-klack bars. Cherry DelRosario, Kevin Vickery, and Matt Gallo have become more to me than just cast members; we became our own weird family and when we are together NOBODY messes with SATANIC PANIC!!!!

From ROB BULLARD aka Terry:

So first I just need to say I fucking love Eddie and his crazy mind because it’s always refreshing when you meet people that you have an instant artistic connection with. Also I want to say Max is amazing because he is also an artistic brother. Each member of the cast nailed Eddie and Max ‘s characters and brought the lines to life with complete perfection!! I’m also honored to be in the company of some of the most wonderful people Atlanta has to offer. Now let’s do another one!!!

From MOLLY KRISTYN aka Connie:

Eddie and Max are two of my favorite film makers on the planet. Their writing style is like nothing else out there – raw, real and there’s always something unexpected. They know how to get the best out of everyone they work with and that’s why their projects are great. Plus, they make me look hot. They would never let your ass look to’ up unless that’s part of their vision. Working with them makes our lives better and their work makes the world a better place. Pay attention, bitches.

From MAX FISHER aka Editor, Effects, Co-Writer, Co-Director:

How the fuck did we pull this off??? Together we made a (barely) feature-length sequel about a fake-Satanic dance band, who also double as government spies, that includes a song called “Fuck you, skinny white bitch,” plus it got accepted into Atlanta’s biggest film festival– Just try to take that in for a minute!
There was a time (literally years ago) when we only had a few weeks to shoot over half the movie, at locations we hadn’t found, with bands we hadn’t cast and I honestly thought completing it was impossible. Except, spoiler alert: It wasn’t. We fucking did it! You all sweat, fake bled, repeated stupid lines for hours on end, animated, held brooms as boom poles, produced amazing music, sacrificed your weekends, sang as multiple people, and danced in front of a green screen just because you believed in this movie (or you really loved birthday cake Oreos). Personally, I have never had a more satisfying experience working on a project. Because I edited the movie I have seen it a million times and I can honestly say that it never gets old to me.
Somehow, what seemed like an impossible task turned into a thoroughly entertaining movie that people are really responding well to. I’m so proud to be associated with you all and so thankful that you believed in me to help you with this movie. I hope you can see how much all your hard work paid off and can’t wait to do it all again with you!

From EDDIE RAY aka Bitch: 

I am the director, co-writer and co-creater of the these movies. The day I came up with the idea for these movies I was sitting with Matt Gallo in his apartment talking about the cartoon Jem and the Holograms and said “What about a Satanic dance band movie”. Then we both starting coming up with character names an ideas for this shit. Then I sat down and wrote that shit. Then I meet Max Fisher and he told me that he loved Jem and the Holograms he then became Assistant Director on the first film. He also edited the music videos and the opening and ending credits for that film. When he was almost done with the first music video I came over to his apartment to sit down and watch it and to give him notes on it. When it was done playing I had no notes to give him. It was perfect. I’m serious. I got in the car and called Matt, Kevin, Marlinda and Cherry (they didn’t know Max well yet and were skeptical still) and told them all that I just watched the music video that Max edited and you are going to die. It’s amazing. I was so happy. I knew we would be partners on these films after that night. He understood me and I understood him. From that night I trusted him. Part 1 was finished. So we wrote part 2 together Now part 2 is done and in the credits it says Max is assistant Director, but we all really know we both Directed this movie. We both wrote it. We did not both edit it. He did that shit. I love him and I am lucky to know him. I believe people meet in life for reasons. This is one of those times. To create this magic bitch.

I have been lucky enough to meet so many talented people in my life that want to work with me on all the crazy ideas that I have.  Then I realize they have crazy ideas too. I honestly love everyone that has ever helped me on any film I have ever done long or short. I think it starts as someone helping me then it becomes me helping them. It’s hard making movies and I have put people through hell over the years. Hahaha. Matt Gallo without you this movie would have never even been created. When  we are together we are 10 years old and create insanity that is gold. I love you always! Marlinda Phillips I have known you forever and you alway ride the ride with and never complain about it. I told you will get to wear a red jump suit, red high heels, and look like Susan Lucci from the 80’s. You were so Happy and went looking for the outfit the next day! I am glad we bought that wig. I love you always! Kevin Vickery when I first met you I underestimated you. It was the worst mistake ever I made. I realized within days that you were funny and smart as fuck. From then on I would be asking your opinion on everything. I love you always! Cherry DelRosario when I met you we were both in zombie makeup. We were bored and had to keep each other entertained and became friends immediately. From that day on I was pitching you movie ideas. I was like what about this movie? What about that movie? I am glad you were always on board no matter what I threw at your ass. You have brought so much life and voice to these movies literally. I love you Always! All 4 of you brought Satanic Panic to life and made them real. Without you guys there would be no movie! You are true stars and we love you.

Rob Bullard, Laura Krueger, James Yates, and Molly Kristyn. You are the best bad guys I have ever seen on film. I am serious. You make everything look so easy and fun. I don’t know how you do it. When I first saw you all on stage I literally said I want you all in everything I do from now on. PERIOD!!!!!! Terry, Susan, Dick Dano, and Connie should rule the world. You all deserve Oscars in my opinion. Thank you for giving so much time, energy, and love into this movie. We will never forget it. I love you always! This is your film!

I have stories about each and every person in the cast (WHEN TEMPERS FLARE rules!) and crew but this was supposed to be short. Dan Foley you are my hero. His music is mind blowing! Everyone contributed in thousands of ways. Their time, their money, their camerawork, their acting, their sound, their music, their voice, their support, their location, their friendship, their love, etc. Thank you for making our dream of Satanic Panic 1 and 2 come true! I love you always!

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“Chappie” or “The Band Die Antwoord Raises A Robot”- my fuckin review

Here is my review for “Chappie“. Okay so it’s the near future and Anderson Cooper still works for CNN and the band Die Antwoord are on the run from the law and robbing and killing people. This robotics engineer named Deon, who works for Sigourney Weaver, has secretly figured out how to make a robot think and feel. This robot is called Chappie and is being raised by a couple named Ninja and Yo-Landi of the band Die Antwoord. They are literally teaching Chappie how to steal, shoot, kill, and be gangsta. He is like a little kid learning shit for the first time. They give his ass a gun and a rubber chicken to play with. Later Chappie just wants to be loved and to continue to exist in a harsh ass world, but Hugh Jackman is a bitch and sends a big ass robot to kill him. This big robot is like “RoboCop“s Ed 209. In the end can Chappie survive living with an insane dance band? Okay this movie is nuts but in a good way. It’s pretty non-stop and entertaining but not in the way you think. It really is about the band Die Antwoord raising this robot to be violent and vulgar. Not about Artificial Intelligence. It’s a strange ass movie and I guess you think it’s going to be like “Short Circuit” or some shit, but it’s not. It feels like a lot of other Sci-fi movies but in the end it’s not like any of them. Funny at times and then violent the next. That’s why it can’t be a great movie. It doesn’t know what movie it is I guess. I did like it a lot, but because it was ape shit nuts, but I think people will be turned off by its left and right driving. You never know where it’s going. Even then end is nuts. Amazing, but nuts. I would defiantly check it out. It was a lot of fun, but just know it ain’t Short Circuit or Robocop Etc. So if you love Neill Blomkamp‘s movies, robots, cursing, violence, Die Antwoord, chase scenes and rubber chickens then this is the movie for your ass. It was for me. It was crazy as fuck.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Dev Patel is in this movie and I hope he becomes a bigger star (SkinsSlumdog MillionaireThe Last AirbenderThe NewsroomThe Second Best Exotic Marigold Hotel).

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B. Sigourney Weaver is in this and she is great in anything she is in. Put her in anything. Here she is pissed on the phone. 

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C. Hugh Jackman has a mullet in this movie.

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D. The score was great. Here is a sample of Hans Zimmer‘s score.

E. Ninja and Yo-Landi Visser literally play themselves in the movie. They are in the band “Die Antwoord”. Here they are not fuckin around.

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Here is one of their videos and a song they used in the movie.

F. This was directed by Neill Blomkamp (District 9– I liked, Elysium– I hated here is my review https://eddieraysmoviereviews.wordpress.com/2013/08/26/elysium-or-matt-damon-saves-latino-earth-my-fuckin-review/, Untitled Neill Blomkamp/Alien Project– Coming soon).

G. Number 5 would have gotten his broke off and handed to him if he were in this movie.

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H. Sharlto Copley plays Chappie. Here is what he looked like with the robot graphics and shit over him. Honestly it looked real as fuck. 

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I. There is an ED 209 looking robot in this movie called the MOOSE.

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J. They say “Mother Fucker” a lot in this movie and I am glad.

K. This poster is cute as shit.

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“Kingsman: The Secret Service” or “A Chav James Bond” – my fuckin review

Here is my review for “Kingsman: The Secret Service“. Okay so the film starts off with a group of older spies called “THE KINGSMAN”. They are all hard-core ass kickers but one dies trying to save the rest. Colin Firth is one of those spies and has to go to tell the dead spies wife and kid that their husband/dad is dead. Being a spy is fucked up. Cut to years later and that kid Eggsy (Taron Egerton) is all grown up and is a Chav and living bootleg in the ghetto. Colin finds him and sees that his ass has potential to become a super spy. Meanwhile Samuel L. Jackson is a bad guy trying to fuck the world up with a girl with knives for legs. Later Eggsy is in spy training school with other possible future spies. In the end shit hits the fan and the world is about to get janked up. Okay I dug this movie a lot. It’s action packed and a lot of fun. It’s smart ass, vulgar and over-the-top. Basically everything I want to see in a film. There is even a line that is said to Eggsy from a Princess that he is saving that goes something like “If you save the world I will let you put in my asshole”.  Haha that’s amazing. At one point people are beating the shit out of each other and that is incredible too. There are even heads that explode so I was happy watching this movie. Honestly it gave me what I needed in a movie. Spies, Chavs, gadgets, violence and cursing. I was sold. So if you love James Bond, action, comedy, fight scenes, gadgets, and fun over-the-top characters then this is the movie for you. I loved it. It was a lot of fun to watch. I will buy this bitch on Blu Ray!

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Colin Firth was great as spy and whipped everyone’s ass in this movie. His best scene was a giant fight in a church with racists homophobes.

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B. Samuel L. Jackson was amazing as a bad guy and he made sense.

They played this song. I love it.

KC & The Sunshine Band – Give It Up

and this song

Dire Straits – Money For Nothing

C. Taron Egerton as Eggsy was believable and real. A Chavy spy makes sense and is vulgar and violent. He was great. He will surely pop in many movies to come.

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D. Matthew Vaughn (X-Men: First ClassKick-Ass) really is a fun director and I have enjoyed his films. I love his humor, violence and vulgarity. Keep making rated R films! If you are offended by his films then you are  goddamn boring ass nerd that needs to stay home. It’s 2015 grow up bitch!

E. Sofia Boutella ummmmmmm she is amazing and will cut your goddamn head off.

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F. Henry Jackman composed the score (Kick-AssX-Men: First ClassThis Is the EndCaptain America: The Winter SoldierBig Hero 6The Interview). He has been making a name for himself over the last few years. Listen here

G. In the film they mentioned that there are a lot of “JB” spy names. James Bond, Jason Bourne, and Jack Bauer. Interesting.

H. CHAV-  The word was popularised in the first decade of the 21st century by the British mass media to refer to an anti-social youth subculture in the United Kingdom.

I. THIS POSTER IS AMAZING!!!!!!!!! I LOVE IT. It’s very “For Your Eyes Only“.

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Sparkle Hooves!!!!

Sparkle Hooves is a gay horse that lives in Atlanta, GA. He talks about what’s going on there and the gay community there. Check out his videos below.

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“50 Shades of Grey” or “Boring Ass Girl Meets A Male Robot That Wants To Spank Her” my fuckin review

Here is my review for “Fifty Shades of Grey“. Okay so the film starts of with a girl named Anastasia Steele. Haha let’s just stop right here. Her fuckin name is Anastasia Steele. This is the shittiest character name I have heard in a long time. It’s sound like a made up author’s name in the 70’s that was trying to hide the fact that she wrote erotic novels with fairies. Haha Anastasia Steele, get fuckin real. Meanwhile Anastasia Steele goes to interview this hot rich android named Christian. He is emotionless and I think owns a company that makes robots. Anastasia Steele comes tripping through the door when she meets him and this is what causes Christian-bot to want to bang her. Her falling down is a turn on? HAHA. The next day Christian-bot stalks her at her job, and he buys rope and duct tape for sex there. Then it gets scary! He starts to control her and she can’t drink anymore or go out to clubs or dress better. Christian-bot is like “Anastasia Steele you stay home and don’t drink you are mine!”. Wait a goddamn minute, this is like a horror movie on the Lifetime Network now. Do ladies want to be stalked and controlled? What the fuck is happening???? I’m confused and scared. Now Christian-bot is like you gotta sign this contract Anastasia Steele, so that he can beat the shit out of her nude. She has never heard of this kind of sex before, so she looks up Dominant and Submissive shit and gets scared. Later Christian-bot finds out that Anastasia Steele is a virgin. This turned him on more. Remember here are the things that have turned him on so far.

1. She trips and falls down in front of him.

2. She wears boring and plain Jane clothing.

3. She drives a shitty car.

4. Her computer doesn’t work.

5. She is a virgin.

All these things would turn me the fuck off!!!! Meanwhile Christian-bot keeps telling her to email him about hanging out or whatever. Wait what year is this? Ummm call or text me it’s 2015! Fuckin email???? In the end they bang and she falls in love, then he is like I want to beat your ass still. So she cries and says to him do your best (worst)! So I think oh shit it’s about to get fucked up and nasty as hell. Like Yoda dildos, or fuckin donkeys, or blood orgies, etc. It turns out Christian-bots worst is literally spanking her 6 times. They counted out loud in the movie too. Six slaps with a belt across that ass. HAHAHA Ummm I’m not into spankings and shit, but that sounds like nothing to me. I was spanked worse as a child. Shit, I was doing worse shit at age 16. He got her a brand new car and computer. You can beat me all day for a new car. Okay this movie is a limp dick. Dakota Johnson is boring and not even good enough to be forgettable. Jamie Dornan is literally acting like a robot the whole movie and it gets old as fuck fast. They both act like they filmed their scenes in front of a green screen without each other there. Just talking to a green wall. That’s how empty it feels to me. “Star Wars: Episode II – Attack of the Clones” had more emotion in it.  This movie really comes across like a Lifetime movie about a girl being stalked. Ladies you can’t be cool with this? This is madness to me. If a dude tries to control you then slap them in the face. This story is hokey and cheesy and laughable. So if you are looking for something to masturbate to then this is not the movie to do it to. It’s boring, silly, and creepy (and not because of the sex). The sex is weak as shit. Just go watch “Basic Instinct” and “Nymphomaniac: Vol. I” or “Showgirls“. At least you will be entertained in these movies. 50 Shades of Grey seems like someone who has never understood or been into BDSM wrote it. 

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Dakota Johnson was boring and plain jane in this movie. She was annoying and her character name is the cheesiest shit I have heard in years. Anastasia Steele! FUCK YOU!

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B. E.L. James wrote the novel and he looks okay. 

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50 Shades of Grey started off as “Twilight” fan fiction. HAHAHAHA good god. Here is an article about it.

http://www.adweek.com/galleycat/fifty-shades-of-grey-wayback-machine/50128

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C. Jamie Dornan was the best android I have seen on a movie screen in years. Oh wait he is supposed to be human? HAHA oops! Also they show Anastasia Steele naked the whole movie and they never show his peen. It is a movie about sex they should be shown equally. 

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D. Sam Taylor-Johnson (Nowhere Boy) directed this. It was weak. 

E. Hellaiser was made in 1997. It’s hotter than this movie.

F. Danny Elfman‘s score was boring and forgettable.

G. I will let anyone spank me 6 times a day to get a new car and computer. This movie feels rated G to me. Also if you are into BDSM good for you. You are having more fun than most people. Article about BDSM myths.

http://www.divinecaroline.com/love-sex/6-myths-about-bdsm-inspired-50-shades-grey

H. They should have played Madonna’s “Hanky Panky” cuz it was more sexy than this movie and that song came out in 1990.

or Madonna’s “Erotica” in 1992.

Also Madonna’s Sex book came out in 1992. Compared to this 50 Shades seems rated G.

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Also these clips from the movie SHOWGIRLS make more sense than this movie and that is sad.

I. The best part in the movie was Beyonce’s songs. Whoever directed her music video should have directed this movie.

J. This poster is forgettable.

fifty_shades_of_grey_australian_poster