“The Gallows” or “Don’t Stay After School With 4 Annoying White Kids”- my fuckin review.

Here is my review for “The Gallows“. Okay I was exciting to see this movie even though it’s another found footage horror film. Honestly found footage films these days aren’t as shaky or poor quality as they used to be because everyone has nice ass cameras. Now they just look like normal films, except that the actors will talk to the camera aka your dumb ass. Anyway the story starts off in 1993 with this High School kid named Charlie. He is acting in the school play and gets hung on stage by accident on these fake ass gallows. Now his dick haunts the school. Cut to the future (today) and there is an annoying dick head jock named Ryan filming everything. Everything he says is useless. Ryan’s jock buddy named Reese is now acting in the same play that Charlie was in, because he has the hots for some dumb girl named Pfeifer Brown. The problem is Reese can’t act (on stage and real life) because he sucks at it, so he and Ryan the douche bag cameraman and his girlfriend Cassie decide to break into the school at night to fuck the set up, so that he won’t have to act in the play the next day. The ding-dong of his dreams won’t know he sucks at acting and will still like him the next day. WOMP WOMP they run into Pfeifer in the school and now all 4 start bitching and fighting until they realize Charlie the ghost/demon has locked all the doors and they seem to can’t find a window to break. All 4 literally do everything wrong to survive or to get out of the school. Okay so was it scary? Yes, you will be scared watching it. It’s like walking through a Halloween haunted house with shit jumping out at you, but like a haunted house there is no story most the time and the acting is bootleg. So yes you will jump, and then when the white kids start talking again you will want Charlie to hang your ass too. Once again the monster is only half of your horror film. The other half is the human/teen cast. If they suck then the movie will derail because you hate them all and you will side with the killer. Then once you side with killer you are not scared anymore. The script is weak, the dialogue is cheesy and the teens do the dumbest shit ever. Audiences are smart, teens are smart  and I am smart. We want people in horror movies to do smart things. They exist and I own them and love Horror movies. Kathie Lee Gifford’s daughter Cassie is in this and if I was Kathie Lee I would beat Cassie’s ass, then if I was the daughter Cassie I would beat Kathie’s ass cuz she sucks too. Meanwhile if you want to see something scary on a Netflix spooky night you will jump at this, but in the end you will hate the cast.  Wait till it’s free on Netflix and watch with Middle Schoolers so that they will be scared to go to High School and hang with shit bombs like in this movie.

The Trailer:

The Fuckin Facts:

A. If you are trapped in a High School at night, just bust out a window. I will literally tear through a wooden door or wall to get out.

B. Cassidy Gifford was dumb and useless. When I looked her up I realized she is fuckin Kathie Lee Gifford‘s daughter. I just threw up.

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I clapped and laughed when this happened to her. tumblr_inline_nrhfefluyd1tt37oi_540

C. Yes you will jump and it’s scary, but scary ain’t enough. You need fun people to hang out with. Think about the teens in “A Nightmare on Elm Street” or “Halloween” they are amazing. Yes, even new films like “It Follows” has cool teens. So it can be done.

D. Pfeifer Brown and  Ryan Shoos were annoying also. 

She is forced and everything she does is dumb.

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Literally all his dialogue was horrible and annoying. He is the guy behind the camera. Die Bitch!THE GALLOWS

E. Never climb a ladder and yell at demon to come get you while you are at the top of it. He will knock you off it. The when you fall and break your legs I will laugh at your ass. You deserved it. Don’t piss off the spirit world. You are a dumb human and are weak compared to them.

F. Reese Mishler was okay but not enough. Hang yourself. At one point he gets out and goes back in for the girl. Get real! 

1. That girl should have kept up. Tough shit hunty!

2. I would not have looked back to know she was not there until I got to the police station. Oh shit girl where are you? Oh Well.

3. If a demon is on your ass, get the fuck out. You can’t save anyone bitch.

4. Don’t go to High School at night for many reasons.

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G. There is a twisty ending. Why? Haha who cares the ghost was enough. Now you give me bat shit logic ending.

H. My good friend Matt GALLO. He should have been it.

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I. Cute but I wouldn’t “hang” it on my wall.

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“Magic Mike XXL” or “Ladies and Gay Men, There Are No The Dicks In This Movie!” – my fuckin review

Here is my review for “Magic Mike XXL“. I really enjoyed the first “Magic Mike” film. It was a lot better than I thought it would be and I really dug it. Okay so this film starts off years after the first film. Channing owns a furniture making business in Tampa. It’s ghetto and just him and one employee work there. His girlfriend from the first film has dumped his ass. He reunites for a pool party with the men from the first film and they all decide that they need to go out with a bang and drive to South Carolina to a Stripper Convention. Matthew McConaughey is dead or something. Now they all pile into a Fro-Yo Food Truck and it becomes a road trip film. On the way there they have terrible dialogue about their friendship, lives, and emotions. It’s basically men saying teen girl dialogue. Think “The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants” but men are talking instead of teen girls. Maybe they thought the audience is all female so we need teen girl dialogue? If so, that is shit. They end up at a Drag Queen bar with gay dancers on stage, but somehow the audience is all female watching it. I guess girls are turned by gay men now. Then they decide to all get up on stage and do some quick voguing. I’m serious. Honestly that was one of the better parts in the movie though. Later they drive through Savannah to visit Jada Pinkett Smith, who owns a huge mansion that is a strip club also. I honestly thought vampires were going to come out to kill the boys. Jada is terrible as some sort of pimp M.C. that moves like a malfunctioning robot, but the boys need her to M.C. their last strip show. On the road again they stop off at another mansion owned by Andie MacDowell, and has other older horny women in it. PS at this point the boys have had their pants on the whole time and have not stripped or even shown the audience thong. The girls in my theater were getting pissed and restless and started yelling at the screen “Take out your Dick”. I live in Atlanta so people women don’t play here. Andy sleeps with Joe Manganiello and earlier they say his dick is so huge nobody can take it. I guess she could. All the while Channing is hitting on Amber Heard Depp. It’s sickens me to see that she is married to Johnny Depp. I believed in you Amber. Now back on the road to the Stripper Convention, where the boys strip but still have their pants on. In the end they finally take their pants off and literally it’s the last 10 seconds of the film. The camera is flying around so if you want to see something  (aka dudes in thongs) you are not going to. Well this movie is weird and the dialogue is a mess. I love Channing in it, because he has personality in shit he does, but honestly he is it. When he does dance in this movie he is great. Literally everything else is cheesy mess. If you are looking for a strip show you are not going to get it ladies. The audience was pissed when it was over and they were all yelling where is the dicks. Haha True. Don’t make a movie about strippers and don’t strip. Jada is literally the worst in this movie. It’s like WTF is happening is broken. Anyway it’s a fun watch for free at home because it is so cheesy. Wait for Netflix and go to a real strip club it will have better dialogue I bet. So if you love Channing and that’s it. Then this is the movie for you. If you are looking for DICK then go to a strip club. HAHA

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Channing Tatum is great and funny in this. He seems like a genuine bitch so I dig him in things. He can also dance for real.

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B. Gregory Jacobs directed this movie. He has only directed 2 other movies. Wind Chill and Criminal. The first Magic Mike was directed by Steven Soderbergh

C. Matt Bomer bored me in this movie and his character was a annoying. He wore this outfit the whole time and his hippie routine got old the second he talked. He also sings twice in this movie. I’m serious. It’s not that he is good or bad at it, but why? 

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D. Jeans in a stripper movie. HAHA

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E. Joe Manganiello seemed like a dummy at times. They show his ass jumping into a pool. Not in a sexual way. Just a Bro at a pool party. Think every video on Vine. Also he faked jizzed out of a water bottle- WITH PANTS ON.

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F. Jada Pinkett Smith was literally like a broken robot. Here movement was terrifying. Here character was stupid and forced. She was a waste.

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G. Honestly WTF is this? If this movie was about female strippers there would not be a stripper cast at age 55. Hollywood double standards. DO women want this?

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H. Here is the Poster. Notice he is pointing at the pants he will be wearing the entire film.

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“Terminator Genisys” or “Terminator: The Annoying Time Traveling Family Edition”- my fuckin review

Here is my review for “Terminator Genisys“. Okay let me first start off by saying I love “The Terminator” and “Terminator 2: Judgment Day“. Both these films are incredible and both are 4 out of 4 stars to me. Okay so this new film is a sequel/reboot/re-wind etc. It begins in the apocalyptic future where John Connor and Kyle Reese are together fighting terminators. The seem pretty happy and chummy with each other and the future is not as shitty as was shown to us in the first “Terminator” film. Skynet (Apple) sends the young version of the Arnold Schwarzenegger Terminator back to 1984 and Kyle Reese is also sent back, just like in the first movie. This time things are different in 1984. Now there is a liquid terminator chasing Kyle at the store where he gets the cool shoes. This new liquid Terminator is also talkative and likes to show off by cutting his own arm off and turning it into a spear to throw. He also poses a lot. Now young Arnold Terminator is out to kill punk rockers and an Old Arnold Terminator shows up to throw him around like a piece of balled up paper, CGI style. This 1984 is not your fathers 1984, it’s a new timeline or some shit. Sarah shows up and is tough (sort of) and her, Kyle, and the Old Arnold Terminator, also called “Pops” non-stop by Sarah Connor, join forces to……. Ummmm go to the future to stop a new type of iPhone from coming online called Genisys. So now the family (Pops, Kyle and Sarah) figure out how to get to the year 2017, which is the day the Genisys phone pops off. Yes, the day of. Not a year before or a month, but the fucking day they have to stop it. Meanwhile Pops doesn’t like Kyle because he is not good enough for his fake daughter Sarah. I’m serious. Also Kyle and Sarah argue non-stop, ya know like a “real” couple that fights robots. In the future they run into their son John Connor, who is now an evil robot. Confused? Yes, John is now the bad guy and evil. So the Terminator family has to kill him. Say what now? I thought the whole point of these films was to save John Connor aka Jesus, so that he could save the future? P.S. Kyle and Sarah have not banged yet, so problem solved right? Anyway the Terminator family gets arrested to the song “Bad Boys” from the TV Show “Cops”. Yes, I’m serious. Then John tells Sarah that she always had a soft spot for Elton John. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT! Now you are telling me Sarah is an Elton john fan???? I just threw up. In the end Skynet shows up as a new version of the Red Queen from “Resident Evil. He is the blue queen I guess. The Terminator family is happy and drives off into the sunset until 2 more sequels that the studio is rushing to get done before James Cameron gets the rights back to the terminator franchise in 2019.

Okay so is better than “Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines“? Yes, that movie was complete shit. Is it a good movie? No. You will have fun watching Terminators running around and bashing shit in, but that’s it really. The Terminator story is just an interesting concept. You could put those robots in a Wal-Mart for 2 hours and be entertained. I guess in the end a lot of shit doesn’t make sense and feels cheesy and forced. New Kyle Reese (Jai Courtney) is honestly a muscle-bound ape, and he just comes across big and dumb. The future he comes from is shiny robots, pretty lasers and him talking about building a house and getting a beer. Say what? The Michael Biehn version of Kyle Reese from the first Terminator came from a future where everyone was starving, not sleeping, dying, crying, radiation from fallout, not having sex, not drinking beer, and a fuckin nightmare. Michael Biehn‘s Kyle was skinny, scared, and angry. Which makes sense. This new Kyle is happy, healthy, and dumb.

The new Sarah Connor (Emilia Clarke) is okay I guess. She seems more bubbly and whiney, and that shit gets old fast. She calls Arnold “Pops”, what feels like 50 times. Like a bitchy kid annoying her dad. She also argues with Kyle the entire movie and that gets old. She really never seemed tough to me at all. The Linda Hamilton version of Sarah Connor was tough and real, but also motherly. I believed her. This Emilia Clarke version would be tough if she was 14 years old. Meanwhile you are told you have to kill your son and you are okay with it? WTF! Honestly the best thing about this movie is Arnold. I mean shit you just like him in movies, he is fun and charismatic. I wouldn’t say he saved the movie, but he was the best thing about the movie. As a whole the dialogue is cheesy ass though.

I hated John Connor (Jason Clarke) in this.

The CGI seems like a cartoon a lot of the times, because people and things are tossed around like toys and it doesn’t feel real or even look real at times. Not because they can’t make a young-looking Arnold Terminator look real, because the stuff they doesn’t look physically possible in their realm of reality. It’s like CGI people flying through the air doesn’t seem real because there is no weight behind it etc. It looks like a cartoon. Even the Liquid Terminator is performing tricks like he is showing off. Showing off for who? He is programmed to kill Sarah Connor, not to show off and try to look cool by cutting his arm off and making it into a goddamn spear and throwing it, then posing for Instagram. That’s what made the first Terminator films scary, it’s about a machine that will stop and nothing to rip your goddamn face apart. Now they are doing tricks and posing. It’s silly. There is also a Helicopter chase scene that is basically a cartoon. One helicopter falls off the roof of a building then right before it hits the ground it flies away. CARTOON LOGIC. Then they fly around and shit basically upside down. In Terminator 2 there is a helicopter chase scene with a real helicopter doing real crazy ass stunts like flying underneath bridges etc. To this day your are like wow, nuts that shit is real and looks real. Then in the end you make John Connor a bag guy. Is that good story telling? Maybe, but not when the whole point of all your films is save this dude so he can save everyone else. Now he is evil, and you have to stop a new iCloud service from going online. I mean it’s basically Siri, so is that the point of the film? We are dead already because we use Siri? Who knows. It’s confusing and a mess. I had fun watching robots fighting because I love the world James Cameron set up in the first 2 films, but the dialogue, message, and point is lost. YES, fuck you. The first 2 films had huge messages in them. So don’t give me this it’s a popcorn movie it’s supposed to be dumb. That’s bullshit. What’s your favorite Sci-Fi film? I bet there is a huge message in it. Anyway I was hoping for a realistic sequel or reboot or whatever. This one comes across like a silly family adventure through time. It’s another “the real adventure is family” film I guess. Except they hate their son now and they love their robot Father Pops.

So if you love “The Terminator” and “Terminator 2: Judgment Day“, love realistic apocalyptic films, love practical effects, and coherent plots then you will not enjoy this movie. If you want to see an alt version of the Terminator films and keep that locked in your brain the whole time then you may enjoy it more. I wish it could have been more. It may sound like I hated this movie. I didn’t, I was just disappointed.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Arnold Schwarzenegger is always pretty entertaining in everything. I was okay with an old skin Terminator, but him being too much like a dad wigged me out. Yes, I know he is dad like in Terminator 2, but they don’t keep shoving it down your throat like in this film. At one point Arnold says take care of my Sarah. Haha what now!

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B. Directed by Alan Taylor (Sex and the City TV, The Sopranos TV, Game of Thrones TV, Thor: The Dark World). 

D. If you are going to try to stop something from happening in the future don’t time travel to the day it happens. Try to go a month ahead of time. Or just don’t time travel at all and do things that stop it right there in 1984 or 1990 or 2000 etc.

E. The Kyle Reeses-  The new one is a joke, the old one sold it.

Old Kyle Reese- Michael Biehn– Sketchy, hungry, scared, angry and sad.

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New Kyle Reese- Jai Courtney–  is basically a muscle-bound monkey with perfect skin and somehow found time to work out while machines were chasing him. He is annoying.

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F. Robert Patrick‘s T-1000 didn’t show off and he ran right toward the target to kill it. It’s a robot and it doesn’t need to show off. You can still show off cool effects without making shit seem cheesy.

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The New T-1000 likes to waste time and show off. Not very machine like.

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Although I do like that they cast Byung-hun Lee as the T-1000 (I Saw the DevilG.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra). He is always interesting in things. This role is limiting though.

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G. The Terminator (1984) is an incredible film. Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991) blows minds still to this day. Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines (2003) is a piece of shit and should be burned. Terminator Salvation (2009) was fun and at least they tried something new. Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles (2008- 2009) TV show was one of the best TV shows those years. I loved it.

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Terminator 1- Amazing, depressing and real.

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Terminator 2- Amazing, 4 stars, incredible.

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Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles- Intersting, cool, and took them all in amazing new direction.

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Terminator Salvation- I liked the casting, the score, and at least it was something different in the future.

H. The Sarah Connors the new one is all bubbles, and the old one was sad, serious and tough. 

New Sarah Connor- Emilia Clarke – She is all Bubbles and tough if she was 14-year-old. Also she can’t stop saying “Pops”. Shut up!

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Old Sarah Connor- Linda Hamilton – Look at that hair it’s amazing. She was sad and afraid and became tough. She was a real women and not a little girl.

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I. Here is the new theme by Lorne Balfe (Penguins of MadagascarA.D. The Bible Continues). The score had some okay moments but not very memorable. Here is a sample. This is the worst score out of all the films.

J. Here is Kyle Reese nude looking at his dad John Connor. Creepy, you just saw your dad’s dong.ZZ7FDDB9AB

K. Here is my short film called TERMINATOR: FASHION EDITION. Possibly more believable than this film. Haha

Also another film I made called  “A Very Robocop Christmas”. The terminator is in this one also.

L. This scene was redone from the original version in 1984. I guess new timeline, new hair.

1984 Punk Rockers from the original “The Terminator”.

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New 1984 Punk Rockers from “Terminator Genisys”. I guess the new Director didn’t like their hair or tire track make-up from the first film.maxresdefault

M. This time you get to see San Francisco get nuked. In the last few years San Francisco is always getting blown up or whatever in films. Also it really is just another big CGI explosion of a city. We see this in every action/superhero movie now. I’m brain-dead to it all. You know what would have been creepy or memorable and also relatable? To show people getting incinerated by the nukes like in a playground. Wow that would have been something amazing. Oh yeah like in Terminator 2! That shit was fucked up. Seeing kids burned etc.

From Terminator 2:

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N. This poster is boring. All in the Family.

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“The Maze Runner” or “Lost (TV Show) in a Maze”- my fuckin review

Here is my review for “The Maze Runner“. Okay I kinda wanted to see this movie and kinda didn’t. So I finally watched it and honestly I enjoyed it. The film starts off and you don’t know what the fuck is going on. This guy named Thomas (Dylan O’Brien) is being sent up in an elevator to the middle of this field that is also in the middle of a gigantic maze. There are a shit load of other boys living/trapped there and trying to survive. It’s basically the who’s who of young new Hollywood (Aml AmeenKi Hong LeeThomas Brodie-SangsterWill Poulter, etc). There Thomas finds out that they all are trapped and some of them are trying to map the maze so they can find a way out. They are Maze Runners. None of the boys can remember who they really are or how they got there. It really is a mystery and feels a lot like the TV Show “Lost” at times. Eventually scary shit pops off and there are spider like creatures in the maze and girl is sent up the elevator named Teresa (Kaya Scodelario). She is the only girl there. Shit hits the fan and some of the boys don’t want to leave because they are scared shitless. It gets a little Lord of the Flies. In the end all this crazy shit happens in the maze that I don’t want to spoil. It answers a few things, but really just makes you go WHAT THE FUCK! Honestly I can’t wait for the sequel now “Maze Runner: The Scorch Trials“. So yeah I really enjoyed watching this movie more than I thought I would. It was interesting, entertaining and they didn’t feed you the answers. Honestly you still don’t know what’s going on at the end of the movie, which I loved. I’m not a huge fan of the newer dystopian/future films that have been coming out lately. They all seem so similar, which is why I didn’t rush out to see this one. Plus there are so many lately (InsurgentDivergentThe Hunger Games movies, The GiverOblivion, Elysium). This film is more fun to me and keeps you guessing about shit and even in the end you are still trying to figure out the answers. I do love films where the characters are trapped and have no way out. Also the end is great.  So if you love dystopian teens, mazes, spiders demons, Lost the TV Show, twists and turns, and not everything summed up in the end then this is the movie for you. I dug it and it was fun to watch. My favorite out of this new batch of Dystopian films. Check it out, it’s a fun film. 

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Dylan O’Brien is likable and is believable. You may remember him from Teen Wolf (TV Series).

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B. Directed by Wes Ball, this is pretty much all he has done. He is also directing the sequel. 

C. I liked all these characters.

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D. Here are ways to get out of a maze.

http://www.wikihow.com/Find-Your-Way-Though-a-Maze

E. OMG Demon spider things in the maze. Run bitch! Also Kaya Scodelario is Effy Stonem from the TV show Skins!

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F. The music was composed by John Paesano (Superman/Batman: ApocalypseDaredevil TV Series). Here is a sample. It was interesting and someone to look out for. 

G. I hope they make the 3rd one too. The Maze Runner: The Death Cure!

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Part 2.

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Trailer for Part 2. Don’t watch if you have not seen part 1!

H. Thomas Brodie-Sangster is also Ferb from Phineas and Ferb!

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I. Cute.

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“Jurassic World” or “Go Dumb or Go Home” my fuckin review

Here is my review for “Jurassic World“. Okay so I love watching the Jurassic films, even though part 2 and 3 have plot holes etc. At all these films basic levels it’s dinosaurs chasing people and that is fun to watch. So that being said this new movie is similar. This movie is obviously not going to be as good as “Jurassic Park“. Meanwhile people have asked what I think about this new one and I say “It’s a fun ride, just don’t think about it too much or it will derail on you and then you will die”. So If you want a fun ride and don’t care about characters, plot, score, etc. then just stop reading this review or other bitches movie reviews. Just go to the movies and watch them and go home and hug your kids and love America or whatever it is you do. So go in dumb and come out dumb and you will be happy as Universal studio. Okay that was your way out! Also don’t get made at me, I didn’t make the goddamn movie!

Okay the film starts off like 20 years later or so. Now Jurassic Park is open for business and it’s called Jurassic World. It’s big and pretty and I want to go there. There are rides and attractions and bars and shit. Judy Greer plays an emotional mother who sends her two sons to Jurassic World and literally cries the rest of the movie and shits on Claire for not having kids. There the 2 boys are supposed to hang out with their Aunt Claire (Bryce Dallas Howard) but she doesn’t have time for them because she runs the entire park, wears a white suit with high heels, is too controlling, doesn’t like kids, doesn’t like animals, and is just an asshole. So she sends the kids to go hang out with her female assistant. The boys ditch the assistant fast. Meanwhile Chris Pratt is training female raptors to…… perform, kill, not kill, love him? Who knows, but they love him for some reason. The same reason the audience does probably. Now enter the villain, he is some shitty military guy who wants to use raptors as weapons. Yes, I am serious. He wants to drop them off in some Non-American country and then I guess the raptors would eat everyone and then run the country. You know like they do with lions and bears now. Oh they don’t do that? Oh well. He is the worst villain ever. Meanwhile back to Claire who is dealing with a new breed of dinosaur they creating called Indominus Rex or iRex for short. Yes, she is still wearing the white suit and high heels in the jungle. She goes to get Chris Pratt to help her understand the iRex? I think. Oh no, its super smart and gets free. Now the park is in danger girl. People are getting eaten and now the boys are out staring at girls cuz the older one wants down their pants and also they are driving around in a hamster ball made of glass or plastic powered by the magic of Jimmy Fallon. Earlier it’s set up that the older teen boy doesn’t want to date or believes in love because he has a girlfriend that he doesn’t love and is now cheating on her ass. He just wants dat ASS! Now Claire enlists the help of Chris Pratt the Alpha Male (his words not mine) to go rescue the boys from the evil dinosaur, who kills out of hate or spite or some shit. Not because she is hungry! She is a fuckin serial killer!!!!! YES, well maybe. Who knows? Now Claire (still wearing high heels in the mud) and Chris Pratt are on the run and the boys really don’t need their help. Shit hits the fan when the pterodactyls get free and start attacking the park and eating people. Wait I don’t think they were eating people they were just grabbing them and playing. Then the most gruesome death in the film occurs when Claire’s assistant gets picked up and tossed around in the air by a few pterodactyls then taken to the water and drowned, then thrown back into the air then eaten by the Whale-A-Saurus. She had a villains death. What did she do to deserve such a horrible death? She wasn’t watching the kids close enough I guess. Evil! Meanwhile the military wants the raptors to find the iRex, they are real serious about using raptors as weapons. This plot seems so 80’s to me. So Chris Pratt punches the military guy then agrees to do it right after that and talks to his raptor girlfriend about it. They all ride motorcycles to search for the iRex. Meanwhile more running from dinosaurs and Claire still has the white suit on with high heels. In the end all the dinosaurs team up against the evil iRex dinosaur in a big wrestling match and Claire runs away from a T-Rex in high heels. We all learn that if dinosaurs can be best friends then can’t humans be also. 

Okay so let me first start off by saying again that it’s a fun ride and if you stop at that then their you go. If you are looking for more in your films, ya know like characters, plot, score, etc. then there is a problem. If you think all movies are like a ride at SIX FLAGS then you will love that shit. Just ride the fuckin Scream Machine but don’t analyze the wood or don’t ask the 16-year-old working the controls any questions because you may not like what he has to say to you about his daddy issues. I guess when I start to think about the movie I think about the dumb ass characters first. To me characters are the most important part of any film. You should be able to take them out of the film and place them in another setting and you should still think they are cool or memorable or whatever. These characters are not.

Chris Pratt is the most memorable, but it’s because he is Chris Pratt. We love him as Chris Pratt. Not the character. He is a lovable dude. Even though in this film he talks about being an Alpha Male and wanting to control raptors, and bang Claire when she shows up at his door. It’s like we get it, you are a man. I guess we all flirt, but not with co-workers. Gross. Then there is Claire, who is honestly the worst character in this film, and deserves the award for worst female in a film for 2015. It’s like, what is your character bio “Controlling, emotionless, asshole, who hates kids, hates animals, who wears high heels to run away from monsters”. She does change her tune but only when Chris Pratt says it’s okay to love animals and kids and his dick. Then they kiss. Thank god he taught her emotion. WTF! It’s 2015 and I bring up the high heels a lot because it’s such a huge joke in horror movies (any movie really) and it’s makes the females in old horror movies come across as dumb. In real life they would take that shit off. In the movies, because a man wrote it, they keep them on while they are running and fall and die because it looks sexy. It’s fuckin stupid 80’s shit. Everybody knows the joke and it’s dumb and fuckin stupid. It’s insulting to everyone in the audience. The heels are a symbol of all the other shit. It’s not just one thing, it’s a buildup and multiple layers of dumb shit. The white outfit, the controlling stereotypical attitude, comments that she doesn’t like sex, or kids, or being a mother, etc. then the heels in mud. Get real. This year we have seen the amazing female character Furiosa in “Mad Max: Fury Road” and you give us this stupid shit. Hell we have seen Sarah Connors, and Ripleys, etc. Even the other women in the film like Claire’s sister who just cries and cries every time they show her. Ya know cuz women just cry a lot cuz they are so emotional or shit on other women because they don’t have kids or are not married. You don’t have to be married or have fuckin kids to be happy in this world or even to be a woman. Right? I am not a woman though. Then the female assistant who was literally destroyed like a villain character. I mean her death was fucking nuts. I’m all for fucked up death shit in movies, but why her? I didn’t know if I was supposed to clap or cry. 

Like I said earlier the older teen boy was like all about that ass. I get it we all like ass, but it’s the way it’s presented and the film it’s presented in. He was staring at girls creepily and rapey. That scene at the hamster ball he looks like he is going to fuckin jump that girl. I was like ummmm weird. It’s odd they show his girlfriend at the beginning of the film and she say she loves and he doesn’t say it back. So technically he is cheating on her and looking for ass. You know just a typical cheating horny male but at 16 years old in a PG film. The pay off for his character would have been him getting laid I guess?  I guess the 2 boys together as brothers were okay once you get passed the older one rape staring all the time, I mean one was bored and one wasn’t. That’s real I guess. I’m glad they were actually doing shit on their own, even if it was dumb shit sometimes. I hated when the adults showed up and treated them like they were dumb ass kids when they literally just fixed a 2o year old car by themselves. Yeah I know that can’t happen. Tires will not last 2o years just sitting somewhere and neither will gasoline or wires and shit. On to the military dude, I mean this character is annoying and just cheesy as fuck. He even stands fuckin cheesy. Raptors as weapons? Hahaha SYFY Channel logic. I wish someone really high up in the military would write a real review and say “NO we love machine guns we don’t want bears, or lions, or raptors to kill for us”. I guess I wish the characters would have been cooler and more memorable. Then you will say but Eddie this movie is about the dinosaurs. Is it? Is the movie Halloween just about Michael Myers? No! It’s about Laurie Strode and her friends and they are cool as fuck. I want to hang out with all of them. Fuck Michael. Even in Jurassic Park Dr. Ian MalcolmDr. Ellie Sattler and Dr. Alan Grant are memorable. Laura Dern is smart, fun, tough, sexy, emotional, real, outfit appropriate, and not fuckin stupid. That was in 1993! Now this new Claire character takes us back to 1980. Thanks.

I guess the story really is the same as the first film. There is park, dinos get out, kids are lost, they are found, and a big showdown. It is missing those thought out/memorable Steven Spielberg action sequences for sure though. There is action, but there is also a lot of standing around and talking about bullshit like a terrible military plot, divorce, and how to control raptors. Chris Pratt being able to control dinosaurs is weird to me, but I guess whatever. At one point the main raptor and Chris look like they have a moment and are in love. I’m serious. If I had kids I would have covered their eyes. Then I was confused on how all the dinos knew the iRex was evil. Then I was like wait, why is that one evil? It’s a fuckin animal. They all hungry and shit and will eat you. What makes one more evil than the other ones. They all got teeth. Fuzzy logic! I guess the first Jurassic Park film was coming at you with real science and was trying to teach your ass about dinosaurs and how they might have been and looked for real. Bitch you were learning. This one was like fuck it. You dumb! Here is an iRex. I mean the dinosaurs did look cool running around and shit. They did in all of the films. It looked all CGI this time though. Like I said when you think about it, it hurts. I could probably just keep writing and writing but will just stop.

So if you love dinosaurs, the first 3 films, can cut off logic and reasoning, don’t care that women look dumb in films, and just want to ride a ride then this is the movie for you. I did have fun watching the dinosaurs, but the nano second I thought about anything it derailed and killed me. Go see it, just literally go dumb and pretend it’s 1980. Maybe your mothers, girlfriends, sisters, daughters will not notice they are being shit on in it. Also for gods sakes do not see it twice you will notice all this shit!

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Bryce Dallas Howard as Claire is the worst. Her character is the worst. Her outfit is the worst. Her high heels are the worst. I read Bryce wanted to keep her high heels on to stay true to her character so that makes Bryce the worst. Look at her next to Laura Dern. Dern is giving you Jurassic realness. Then Claire is forgettable trash. She did know how to use a road flare though. 

Don’t believe me? Then read this other article about how Claire sets women back 30 years.

http://www.vulture.com/2015/06/jurassic-world-feminism.html?om_rid=AACJDG&om_mid=_BVezpGB9Cf7qaY

Still don’t believe me. Ask Joss Whedon (Avengers: Age of UltronBuffy the Vampire Slayer), who says “… and I’m too busy wishing this clip wasn’t ’70s-era sexist. She’s a stiff, he’s a life-force — really? Still?”

http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/heat-vision/joss-whedon-slams-jurassic-world-787998

Bryce Dallas Howard and Chris Pratt in a scene from the trailer for the motion picture

This shot is literally in the movie. A woman running from a T-Rex (monster) in high heels. The most made fun of horror cliché ever. I have seen films where they are making a statement/commentary about women wearing high heels in horror as cliché. That makes sense. This is not one of those times. This is stupid and not real.

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B. This film is directed by Colin Trevorrow (Safety Not Guaranteed). I’m not impressed. Even though I hate Michael Bay and I hope he dies at least he knows he is a sexiest douche bag. This guys doesn’t realize he is I think. Here he is talking about Claire’s character, Trevorrow said, “There’s no need for a female character that does things like a male character, that’s not what makes interesting female characters in my view.” Haha I guess keep them dumb dumbs and pretty with high heels on. That’s interesting to him. Get real. I hope that in part 2 he puts the focus on fun characters, a logical plot and smart/real women. 

Also more proof I am not the only one thinking this WOMP WOMP.

http://io9.com/jurassic-world-the-spoiler-faq-1712042566

C. Chris Pratt is entertaining in anything. He could play Hitler and he would probably be likable somehow. So remember that’s what you liked. Not the character but the person. He is like your best friend who is in a movie so we like whatever part he plays. 

Chris Pratt in a scene from the trailer for the motion picture

D. I love scenes where groups of people are running and screaming. Basically this movie is a big budget version of “Jaws 3-D“.

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E. Nick Robinson (The Kings of Summer) and Ty Simpkins (Insidious) were okay in this movie and are even great in other movies. I just wish they seemed more real in this one and not one note teens/kids. 

1. Older pissed off/creepy horny teen. 

2. Cry baby annoying younger brother. 

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F. I loved the Shamu Dinosaur. But due to the movie “Blackfish” I wanted to see him free.

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G. My favorite dinosaur was little Sally Peanut the baby Triceratops.

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H. Vincent D’Onofrio is shit in this movie. His character is lame. His plot is lame. His stance is lame. DIE!

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I. The score was composed by Michael Giacchino (Super 8LostLet Me InAliasDawn of the Planet of the Apes). I was hoping for something more memorable. He used score from the original Jurassic Park and that was great, but honestly that’s all I was feeling. Here is the best track.

J. The assistant had a name. It was ZARA (Katie McGrath). She was destroyed in this movie. We will never know the reason she died so horribly in this movie. Maybe she was the real villain. Maybe cuz she was on the phone. Maybe the director hated her. RIP ZARA.

“It’s the first female death by dinosaur in the Jurassicfranchise… And that one was a brutal death, wasn’t it? She was tortured.” said Bryce Dallas Howard. You are Ron Howard’s daughter. WTF!

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K. Here are some other opinions from people I know. Too funny.

Melissa Payne It’s like “Jurassic Park”, but with smart phones.

James Yates It was fun! Like one of those Megadon vs. Troglasour Syfy movies! I considered giving it a 6 but then remembered it is supposed to be JURASSIC FUCKING PARK.—my original words.

Max Fisher “In these post-Furiosa times, the humans of Jurassic World belong in the stone age”.

Zahir Merchant This quote about Jurassic World is brought to you by Samsung.

Allison Maier A mermaid at Weeki Wachee told me it was “really good” and she “loved it”

Silas Fiction Jurassic shart.

Cody Ziglar The most unrealistic part of having a dinosaur park in Central America is that it’s staffed almost exclusively by gringos.

John-Paul Ward Life is too short and we’ve been denied a good sequel for too long to let one dumb redhead ruin the movie.

Blake Hutchins That movie set dinosaurs back 65 million years. Every scene had me shaking my head, trying to hide my shame from sitting in the theater. Afterwards, I had to go home and wash the bullshit off before it infected my memory of the other Jurassic movies.

Dave W. Campbell Why were the raptors changing sides like that shit was Mission Impossible? That movie should have committed to being about dinosaurs eating people, I didn’t need all that sitcom character development.

Alicia May Two quotes I remember laughing at where: scientist “cats are monsters to a canary, we are just used to being cats” and two: when Chris Pratt said “what happened to the sibling” and the dumb Claire chick said “she ate him”.

Jason DeMarco Didn’t watch it because Chris Pratt motorcycle races with Velociraptors. So: video.

Madeline Brumby I want a pet raptor!

Ryan Cabe I can safely say that Chris Pratt’s package was the true star of this film.

L. I mean it’s the biggest movie ever now, so I guess who cares. Part 2 coming soon. Next time I hope humans are not even in it. The first film really was a magical mother fucker though. Watch and remember. The music, the action, the animatronics, the characters, the story, etc.

M. I could be wrong about everything. I am not a women and maybe I’m an asshole. Maybe I expect to much from movies. I should just take a muscle relaxer and just watch them on drugs or some shit.

N. Hamster Ball failed logic.

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O. Cute. Raptors can be heroes too.

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“Tomorrowland” or “George Clooney Goes to Magic Land” my fuckin review

Here is my review for “Tomorrowland“. Okay so Tomorrowland starts off in the 6o’s and George Clooney is young and hopeful at the World’s Fair. There he gets a fancy pin that invites him to the magical future/alt reality of Tomorrowland. A place where scientists, inventors, robots, and elitists live. It’s like a Utopia set up by a white people who think they can better the world. Think Portland. Now cut to today. The world is a mess, I guess? Now people know more about Pollution, there is an African-American President, Women’s rights, Gay rights, Transgender rights, a Woman is running for President, equal rights in general, etc. Wow what a mess. Wait a minute. It seems a lot better to me now than in the 60s? I’m confused? YES, the world is better now, well unless you’re a straight white racist male. Then it’s hell on Earth. Am I a right kids?

Anyway this young girl named Casey Newton gets a another fancy pin to Tomorrowland and goes on an adventure to try to find out how to get there, she runs into crazy ass robots, and a helpful young robot girl named Athena. I liked her and she was fun. Then she teams up with a now grown up George Clooney who helps her get to Tomorrowland. Now Tomorrowland is not what she thought it would be and there she learns a weird sort of Coca-Cola commercial message about the world ending. It’s about if we (the audience) would have kept dreaming the way we did in the 60’s the world would have been better today in 2015. HUH? What now? Wait a minute? I’m literally confused. Honestly I was having Disney PG fun on this adventure the entire movie. I was having a good time watching it and I was on board this Disney fuckin ride. Then we took a weird confusing left turn. So wait, run that by me again. We ruined the world because we don’t dream like we did in the 60’s, so that’s why we fucked up the Earth. Now it’s an apocalypse? Ummmmmmmm I know this. Tomorrowland don’t want me in it. Because I curse a lot, and can be vulgar, and I like trashy things. That’s just the start. I feel like people did keep dreaming or hoping or trying or whatever because the world is better today. So I’m glad we ruined the world? I’m confused. The writer of the TV shows “Lost” wrote this movie so this all makes sense to me now. You made a cool ride then that shit derails at the end. You will have fun watching it, then at the end you will be lost and will get mixed messages. I’m not a fan of the 60’s because I was not born then I guess. Yes it was a simpler time, but I’m not simple bitch. I really do like Britt Robertson (Casey) in this movie. She is fun and seems real to me. I want to see her in other shit. George Clooney is always entertaining in anything. I guess this kind of safe, clean, weird, white, happy future just doesn’t make sense anymore. I kept calling it “Magic Land” not “Tomorrowand” because it’s not the future. It’s magic, because it’s not real. So if you believe in magic, Disney, are white, PG, think America is a nightmare in 2015, are racist, wish for a brighter/whiter tomorrow, love George Clooney then this movie is for you. Wait for Netflix.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Directed by Brad Bird (The Iron GiantThe IncrediblesRatatouille). All great animated movies. 

B.  I like Britt Robertson a lot. She seems real and believable. Maybe because she was in Scream 4. She is cool in this movie.

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Dead in Scream 4

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C. This movie was written by Damon Lindelof who also wrote the Lost TV series, PrometheusStar Trek Into DarknessWorld War Z, and The Leftovers. Do you see a theme here. Cool ideas but in the end Womp Womp. 

D. Tomorrowland looked a little to clean and PG for me. I assume they would kick me out for being to vulgar or whatever. The ride Tomorrowland was made in the 50’s and it was a 50’s perception of the future. So that was a little too white, clean, straight, etc. for me. Haha. That’s why I call that shit Magic Land. Because it is not the future, it’s not real. But a bitch can dream I guess. Haha

E. George Clooney is entertaining in anything. His best role was in The Facts of Life.

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F. Michael Giacchino (Jurassic WorldSuper 8LostLet Me InAliasDawn of the Planet of the Apescomposed the score. It really is amazing. I love it.

Listen this track I love it.

G. The toys for this movie look like shit dogs. I mean for fucks sakes try a little harder.

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H. Haha his poster is terrible. Is this for kids to put on their fuckin walls? I would be terrified.

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“Insidious: Chapter 3″ or “You Got That Swamp Foot Demon In Your Crib”- My fuckin review

Here is my review for “Insidious: Chapter 3“. I love these “Insidious” movies because they are fun and scary, so I was excited to watch this shit. Okay so this time it’s a prequel and all three of these movies tie in together pretty well. I’m not sure why they went this route but they did for whatever reason. Maybe because Lin Shaye’s character died at the end of part 1 and she is the real star of these movies so it was a way to bring her ass back. Meanwhile there is a new family played by Dermot Mulroney and Stefanie Scott. They live in an apartment building and shit starts hitting the fan when the teen girl starts trying to contact her dead mommy. She goes to see Lin Shaye but this is pre Insidious, so Lin ain’t into demon fighting just yet. Now the teen girl is on her on and both her legs are broke as fuck. You ain’t running that’s for sure. A demon show up wearing an oxygen mask and scaring the she shit out of me and everyone in the audience. Yes, I jumped twice. Yes, I never jump!!!! I know, they got my ass. Something happens on a street early on and it really scared the shit out of me. Haha Anyway crazy shit happens and the demon who can’t breathe has swamp foot and keeps leaving dirty footprints everywhere. They decide to call in some ghost hunters that you will remember as Tucker and Specs from the first 2 Insidious films! Now Lin Shaye is popping off because the demon comes to see her and she is pissed. So she puts on a sensible outfit and her demon fighting power scarf and goes to help shut these fuckers down. She is literally tossing demon bitches. In the end you find out how it all began. Okay so this movie really is creepy and scary and you will have fun watching it. Is it as good as the first 2? No. Does it work as a trilogy? Yes. I love Lin Shaye’s character and I’m glad she is back. She and her scarf are the real stars. I was bored with the new family, Dermot and Stefanie just ain’t enough. They are okay, but just not memorable at all. You will be bored with them too. Honestly though you will jump watching this movie and be scared at home thinking about those swamp foot demons in the corners of your bed. Go see it and get scared. There are a few surprise demon cameos too! So if you love the first 2 Insidious films, being scared, Lin Shaye, Swamp foot demons, and Broke legs then this is the movie for you. I enjoyed it and would watch it again with a crowd even though the new family is a drag.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Dermot Mulroney and Stefanie Scott bored me, even though this pic is amazing. Stefanie Scott will also be playing Kimber in the Jem and the Holograms movie. 

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B. Never stand in the middle of the street or you will get hit by a car.

C. Leigh Whannell plays Specs and is also the Writer and Director of this film. He also wrote InsidiousInsidious: Chapter 2SawJames Wan directed the first 2 Insidious films. They best friends I guess.

D. If you try to talk to the dead, then the dead will talk back. Lin Shaye says if you call out to one of the dead then all of them can hear your ass! SHIT TRUE. SHUT THE FUCK UP BITCH!

E. Lin Shaye is back as Elise Rainier. She plays the sensibly dressed psychic in all 3 films. She is great in all of these movies and is the real fuckin star. In this movie she is tossing demons and calls one a bitch! She doesn’t pop off until she puts her trade mark sensible scarf on. Then she is unbreakable. 

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Where can I get this super scarf????

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F. Tucker and Specs are back. You may have noticed Tucker aka Angus Sampson as The Organic Mechanic in Mad Max: Fury Road and in Fargo the TV series as Bear Gerhardt. 

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G. Michael Reid MacKay is the demon “The Man Who Can’t Breathe”. He also played The Mummy in The Monster Squad

Here he is in Insidious 3 as “The Man Who Can’t Breathe”.

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Here he is as The Mummy too.

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H. I think we made these lanterns in 1st grade.

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I. Joseph Bishara is the composer for all 3 films and his scores are scary and tense as fuck. His shit is great. He also plays the Lipstick-Face Demon in Insidious, Bathsheba in The Conjuring, Demonic Figure in Annabelle, and Lipstick-Face Demon Insidious: Chapter 3.

J. Don’t ever hang out a window when there are demons after you or even look out a fuckin window.

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K. I love this films series posters. They are interesting.

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