“Ready Player One” or “Take Me to the Porn Oasis” my fuckin review

Here is my review for “Ready Player One“. Okay this movie is funnnnnnnnn as fuck! The film starts off with this poor kid named Paralyzed and all he has in his life is a Video Game World. Ya know the real world sucks and if you can be a transformer or some shit then you would be happier. The guy that created the video game world is dead and now there is a contest to find some keys which will get you all the money and you will own the Video Game World and cheat codes. The Video Game World is a happy place where you can get laid and hang out with Teenage Turtles all day.  So everybody wants those keys even the “corporate assholes”. Paralyzed meets a girl and some other friends in the Video Game World and they all work together to win. They should have had a video game orgy. In the end we realize that in the game world you can be anyone, but in real life you are ugly. Also Iron Giant shows up and you literally die screaming!

Okay this movie was so much fun. I loved watching every minute of it. I have always loved a good “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” golden ticket plot, and all of the references in the film are nuts. There are so many, that you can’t figure them all out or even see them all the first time. It’s like a thousand easters eggs waiting to be found and licked on. When you seen one that you know you love it and are happy/ scream. Goro from Mortal Kombat showed up and I died. Tye does a pretty good job as Parzival and I loved his Avatar. He sells it. Also Olivia Cooke really is great in it. I have loved her in everything that I have seen her in. I believe her. I loved their video game best friends too.  Lena Waithe plays Aech /  Helen and she is funny and cool. Philip Zhao plays Sho and Win Morisaki plays Daito and they were fun in it too. I just wished they had been in it more. The “2 kids in love” plot is boring and predictable, but you roll with it because a Gremlin just ran by. They should have worked it from a “He is in love with her soul” angle. Like it doesn’t matter what she looks like on the outside. It’s her personality and inside that matters. They really didn’t do that. Maybe it’s not in the book and Steven S. is to chicken shit to get that real about love. It could have been a cool message though. Meanwhile a straight white dude falls in love with a straight white girl. Not there is anything wrong with that. Some of my best friends are white and straight. They did imply that Lena Waithe’s character is a lesbian and/or Bi. So that being said if you can get over the basic plot then this movie really is fun as hell. It really felt like you were watching an 80’s movie. Basic plot included. Go see that shit or buy it on blu ray and pause that shit everywhere.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Tye Sheridan is Parzival /  Wade and he was good in it. He looks like a regular busted teen or he might morph into a lion. 

His avatar looks better.


This is in the movie though! CHUCKY!

C. Olivia Cooke is Art3mis /  Samantha is great in BATES MOTEL and everything. She sells it.

D. Iron Giant and GORO from Mortal Kombat are in this movie! Also here is a link to a lot of the shit in the movie. http://www.vulture.com/2018/03/here-are-all-the-references-in-ready-player-one.html

E. Philip Zhao and Win Morisaki were great in it, but I wish they were in it more. Here they are being interviewed. They really were cool. 

F. Steven Spielberg directed this. He hasn’t made a good movie since War of the Worlds in 2005. So this is a pretty fun one for him.

G. Clare Higgins from “Hellraiser” is in this movie! I almost died. She plays Mrs. Gilmore. 

H. There is a scene inside the movie “The Shining” it’s amazing and nuts. You will be like WTF!

I. Alan Silvestri composed the score and he is brilliant and I love this score too. Here is a sample. He has composed some amazing scores over the years. Cat’s Eye, Predator, Back to the Future, The AbyssDeath Becomes Her.

J. Lena Waithe is in this movie. She wrote and episode of Master of None “Thanksgiving“. Which won an Emmy for Outstanding Writing for a Comedy Series! 

K. This poster is great!

They also made 80’s posters too. CUTE!

“A Quiet Place” or “Silent But Deadly” or “I’m Not Trying To Hear That!” My fuckin review

Here is my review for “A Quiet Place“. Okay so this family (white) has survived and alien invasion/apocalypse. They have survived because the aliens are blind as fuck, but they can hear shit from 2 cities away. So you have got to shut the fuck up! Any noise will make them come and eat you in seconds. The family lives in the woods on a giant farm.. They have a daughter who is hearing impaired and a son who is giving a scared face constantly. The mother is also pregnant. Listen I get it, humans have sex and want to have babies or whatever, but if there is an alien apocalypse where you can’t make a noise then DO NOT GET PREGNANT aka don’t have sex aka don’t have a baby. In fact if there is any apocalypse where something is coming to kill you don’t have a baby. It cries and shit etc. So ya know, think about it for like 2 seconds. This family did not. It’s more important to love or bang or keep having babies for the future or some dumb shit. Okay meanwhile the aliens are running around and are hungry and the family is caught up in a fight for their life to stay quiet or be eaten! Kids being quiet. These days. haha I would have LOL’d and died.

Okay this movie was scary and tense for sure. You will be stressed out watching it. You will also be quiet watching it because it can be so silent at times. Then some shit will pop off and scare the fuck out of you! Everyone was great in it especially the kids. I love that the little girl (Millicent Simmonds) and she is really hearing impaired and they use sign language a lot. Which I loved. The little boy (Noah Jupe) sells the shit out of it. He really looks horrified. He was in the movie “Wonder” too, and was so believable in that movie. He is a future star for sure. John Krasinski was good in it too and he also directed this movie and he did a good job with the scares and characters. I just wish they would not have kept doing dumb shit the entire movie to justify making noise. You roll your eyes a lot when shit happens because you are like “Okay they dumb”. It’s a thing in a lot of horror movies or the joke is that here are some dumb white folks doing stupid shit again. You don’t have to make characters do stupid shit to justify your plot or scares in a horror movie. If you can get over this then you will love the movie. I did like it a lot and it was fun and interesting for sure. I love an alien apocalypse too. The score is amazing! It’s Marco Beltrami and he has being doing horror movie scores for years and they are the best! I loved it. You should check out this movie for some alien scares and characters that look scared as fuck. PS the aliens looked like The Lickers from “Resident Evil”. I am not sure if they did that on purpose or not.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Emily Blunt (My Little Pony: The Movie) was cute in this. I honestly can’t remember her face ever. I don’t know why. I hear her name and I am like what has she been and what does she look like. Then I see her and I am like I don’t remember her at all. I could be writing this right next to her right now and not know it was her. She is the new Mary Poppins so maybe when that comes out I will remember her. Mary Poppins Returns

B. John Krasinski I do know his face but I just realized I have never seen him in anything but The Muppets 2011. I have never seen The Office but I am aware he was in it. He gave it to you mute style, and he also directed this film and co-wrote it. 

C. Noah Jupe was so real in this movie. He looks scared as fuck! He was great in Wonder too. 

D. Millicent Simmonds  (Wonderstruck) is great in this movie she did some dumb shit though and needed a talking too aka ass whipped.

E. I would have died the first hour in this movie. Shutting up is hard to do or at least I would have made a sound proof room or live in a music studio where it’s sound proof. If you are thinking well I don’t know how to do that etc. I just did a google search. So many ways.

F. Marco Beltrami composed the score and he is awesome! Take a listen.

G.  Buffy the Vampire Slayer had an episode call “Hush” and there was no sound in it. It reminded me of that episode. There is even a part where Buffy screams out loud because of the quiet at the end etc. It’s one of Buffy’s most talked about episodes. Also there was an episode of Switched at Birth where it was from the perspective of a character that is hearing impaired. So no sound either. 

1:47 into this

H. The scariest part was waiting to hear if someone was going to fart in the audience. It was that quiet.

I. Here is a poster that I added to, to make it better. That’s a LICKER from Resident Evil too. Tell me they aren’t the same monster.

“Black Panther” or “Wakanda Forever!”- my fuckin review.

Here is my review for “Black Panther“. Finally Black Panther is out and it’s amazing. I don’t know if I have ever seen a movie like this. Even “Blade” was more about vampires than anything else and I loved Blade. Okay it starts off with sketchy parent shit. When the Black Panther is a child. Parents are always fucking up. Then he is grown up and running Wakanda. Wakanda is a hidden city that is ahead of everyone with technology on the entire planet Earth. Now it’s time for Black Panther to become king and there are some challengers etc. Ya know everyone wants to rule.  Later some shit hits the fan when some bad guys that stole their super metal fuck shit up. Enter Erik Killmonger he is the bad guy with an interesting point of view. He and Back Panther fight, and the women of the film tear shit up! This film is all about the women. Women being smart, tough, funny, and real. In the end we are left with 2 points of view on how to do and run things. Both make valid points but kindness and inclusion win out.

Okay this movie is great. It’s action packed and looks amazing. It’s totally African and feels African. The sets, the costumes, the actors etc.  It was time for a big Hollywood superhero to be this.  The film really is a celebration of all things African. Chadwick Boseman is great as the Black Panther, and as a superhero. You would follow him on any adventure. My favorite character was Shuri (Black Panther’s sisters), she was funny, smart and knew how to fight. All the women in this film were tough as hell and took no shit from nobody! Danai Gurira was incredible, give her all the weapons. Michael B. Jordan was great as the main villain, he really is a great actor and I have loved him in everything that I have seen him in. He offered up a realistic flip side to the Black Panther’s beliefs. I wish his character could be in sequel. This film really is a fun movie with a cool story, great music, and amazing characters. People in the theater were cheering and i’m glad I saw it with an audience. Everyone leaving the movie at the end was so happy. So you don’t want to miss it for a lot of reasons.  I can’t wait for a sequel. Wakanda Forever! 

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Chadwick Boseman was great as the Black Panther. You believe it and would follow him anywhere.

B. It was directed by Ryan Coogler (Creed). Both these films are great. He has turned into a great director. He will give you that action and emotion. 

C. Letitia Wright was the best! She was funny and memorable and sold it. Get me the toy of her!

D. Lupita Nyong’o can do no wrong. Cast her in everything.

E. Danai Gurira in Walking Dead is so quiet and sad. In this film she is funny and tough. You will love her and cheer for her when she is fighting people.

F. The score was composed by Ludwig Göransson (CreedCommunity) and it was great. His score for Creed is also good, go watch that movie too.

Here is a sample.

G. Michael B. Jordan is a star. He amazing in any movie he is in. That costume is the best too! I want that vest!

H. I love this poster.

“Maze Runner: The Death Cure” or “Thomas I’m Tired of Running Kill Me!” – my fuckin review

Here is my review for “Maze Runner: The Death Cure“. Thomas is back and his ass is still running and his ass is exhausted. Okay this is the 3rd The Maze Runner movie and also the last. It starts with a rescue attempt on some of the other runners that got captured in part 2! They fuck that up and have to go to some mega maze city to find them. There they run into Walton Goggins and a few other surprises also. It’s a fight to the finish over who lives and dies, and who has the cure for that sun shit they all have. In the end Dylan O’Brien wants to be an action star and they finally stop running and sit down on the beach. 

Okay so yes I do like all these movies. There is something fun about them to me. Are they super memorable? No, but they do have a lot of action in them and I do like the characters. I like Dylan O’Brien in these movies, but honestly he is more interesting and relatable when he is being funny or over-the-top like in “Teen Wolf”. I’m sure he wants to be a serious action star, but why not be a fun one with all these fight moves etc. He even runs and moves differently than other action stars. His shit is all over the place and unorganized, but that’s more believable and memorable. Shit ain’t perfect. Thomas Brodie-Sangster plays Newt and there is an internet thing about Thomas and Newt getting together called “NEWTMAS”. At times Newt kinda acts like he is into Thomas. I mean honestly they should have went that route. Fuck it. Even if Thomas wasn’t into it. Also I feel like they could have taken more time to get to know Newt too. He is talking here and there but it’s always the facts. He does get emotional at one point and we thought Newtmas was going to happen. They are cool and fun movies but they all seem to lack something. You just don’t feel so attached to them. It’s still a fun movie and if you love the other Maze Runner films you will love this one too. It has the most action in it and it didn’t look cheap either. They spent some money. Check it out!

The Trailer:

The Fasts:
A. Dylan O’Brien is a cool action star but could be even cooler if he wasn’t so serious. He is funny, let him be.

B. The same director made all 3 films, Wes BallHis life has pretty much been these movies.

C. Thomas Brodie-Sangster is cool in shit. I love him in these movies but I wish his character felt more real so we can feel more toward him.

D. Dylan got ran over by a car in this. “Due to Dylan O’Brien‘s injury during filming, which he sustained in March 2016, and his eventual recovery, the release date of the movie, originally slated for February 17th, 2017, was postponed to January 12th, 2018.” The film almost killed him.

E. Jacob Lofland as Aris was back in this movie. I would have been pissed if they just forgot about this emo bitch! 

F. Walton Goggins showed up and he was fucked up looking. He didn’t have a goddamn nose!

G. Newtmas happened. Right before they kissed.

H. I do love this poster.

“Insidious: The Last Key” or “Beep Beep, Who Got The Keys To The Jeep? A GHOST BITCH!” – my fucking review

Here is my review for “Insidious: The Last Key“. Elise Rainier is back and she has to deal with more ghosts and her family this time! This is the 4th Insidious movie but it’s another prequel, so that way we can still have Elise as the main character. She died in the first Insidious movie. She has literally been in all 4 movies, but honestly we love her and want her in them. Okay this time she has to deal with shit from her childhood and growing up. Things her and her brother witnessed and now as an adult she is back at their childhood home fucking shit up with her newly found nieces. Specs and Tucker are back and there are a bunch of ghosts and a few twists here and there too. In the end she tells a ghost to fuck off and learns that family is important. We also see everything come full circle and connect to Insidious part 1. I love that.

Okay so this movie is fun and I love Elise aka Lin Shaye she is amazing in these films and we have always loved her in anything. It’s just cool that she is 74 years old and the star of a huge horror movie franchise. I would buy an Elise doll. These movies really are like walking through a haunted house attraction and the ghosts jump out at you. You will be jumping and screaming watching it for sure. Is it super scary? No, but it is fun and spooky and if you love the Insidious movies it’s fun to see all 4 of them connect. Joseph Bishara composed the score to this one and all the Insidious films, so they sound/feel the same. If you watch all 4 films together it’s a fun long ride. Haha That being said I think I like part 1, then 2, then 4, then 3. In that order. So if you love the world of Insidious and ghosts and shit you will probably like this movie. I dug it and it was fun. 

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Lin Shaye is a horror hero. She is 74 and still giving it to you! We love you.

Lin was in A Nightmare on Elm Street  and

New Nightmare

B. Joseph Bishara Composed the score again and it was scary and he is great for these films.

C. Where is the key!

D. Leigh Whannell and Angus Sampson are great and back as Specs and Tucker. 

E. Ummmm Where was she? I never saw her but she is in the trailer.


F. Directed by Adam Robitel (The Taking of Deborah Logan). This pic came up when I was looking for a pic of him. They said he is an up and coming LGBT director. 


G. That’s a lot of keys.

“The Shape of Water” or “Yes, He Has A Green Dick” my fuckin review

Here is my review for “The Shape of Water “. Okay so this movie starts off in the 1950’s with a lady named Elisa who is mute. She is single janitor and works in a top-secret government research base.  She is lonely as fuck and except for a gay neighbor and best friend Octavia Spencer, who is also a Janitor. One day at the base a water monster/ocean demon/creature from the black lagoon shows up to be experimented on by an evil Michael Shannon. He is mean to the creature and kicks it and shit. Meanwhile Elisa plays hit songs from the 50’s for it and give it eggs. Later Michael Shannon is like fuck this beast and the Govt. is too, so Elisa tries to help it. In the end Elisa falls in love with the water demon and then she end up banging it and flooding her apartment and her basement. We all learn that love goes beyond looks and species etc. 

Okay so this movie is a lot of fun and real cute. The water creature/god looks real as hell and you will love his skinny ass too. Sally Hawkins is great in the film and I do love the use of sign language too in the film. I liked Michael Shannon as an actor but he plays a bad guy a lot and it’s the same game. I mean yeah he makes a good bad guy and he is bad in this, etc. I love Octavia Spencer in anything but she feels ripped off in this. Like we have seen her play this part before. Give her something else she is amazing. She can do anything! Meanwhile the creature aka Doug Jones was so real and graceful and beautiful. They do describe his dick haha you don’t see it, even though everyone in the movie and world is wondering. Don’t lie asshole you are too. I mean they sleep together and you see Sally Hawkins  fully nude from head to toe, and she is even masturbating. They could have at least shown a green rubber ding-dong. Oh is that too much? Shut the fuck up. You see that Sally  for ass to elbow and you can’t show a green thing ding. Double standard shit. She can bare all and the male is covered up again in movies. Even when he is a goddamn monster or whatever. Anyway it’s a cute film about how people who are different can stick together and the 50’s were a real drag. Go check it out. If you love The Creature from the Black Lagoon and horror movies you will love this movie too.   

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Yes they had sex. Who wouldn’t have. Would you touch a green ding dong?

B. Guillermo del Toro (MimicBlade IIHellboyPan’s LabyrinthPacific Rim) made this film. Honestly this film is his best movie. His other stuff is okay.

C. He is trying to get a look at dat ass. Doug Jones played the Aqua dude. 

He also played Abe Sapien in Hellboy

He also plays Saru in Star Trek: Discovery

D. Sally Hawkins was great in this. She gave it to you, and to the water demon/god.

E. It was composed by Alexandre Desplat. (Moonrise KingdomThe Grand Budapest HotelGodzillaRise of the Guardians). It was cute.

A sample:

F. Basically Guillermo del Toro wanted to do a movie where the Creature from the Black Lagoon fell in love with and girl and then you see her boobies. Sorry kiddies. That’s what I think. He was a horror teen and he saw that movie and loved the creature and loved the girl. The End.

G. There has been talk about a short film looking like or ripping off the Shape of Water coming out in 2015. Here is a link to some info about it.  Guillermo del Toro says he just watched the short film the other day.




G. This poster is real pretty.