“50 Shades of Grey” or “Boring Ass Girl Meets A Male Robot That Wants To Spank Her” my fuckin review

Here is my review for “Fifty Shades of Grey“. Okay so the film starts of with a girl named Anastasia Steele. Haha let’s just stop right here. Her fuckin name is Anastasia Steele. This is the shittiest character name I have heard in a long time. It’s sound like a made up author’s name in the 70’s that was trying to hide the fact that she wrote erotic novels with fairies. Haha Anastasia Steele, get fuckin real. Meanwhile Anastasia Steele goes to interview this hot rich android named Christian. He is emotionless and I think owns a company that makes robots. Anastasia Steele comes tripping through the door when she meets him and this is what causes Christian-bot to want to bang her. Her falling down is a turn on? HAHA. The next day Christian-bot stalks her at her job, and he buys rope and duct tape for sex there. Then it gets scary! He starts to control her and she can’t drink anymore or go out to clubs or dress better. Christian-bot is like “Anastasia Steele you stay home and don’t drink you are mine!”. Wait a goddamn minute, this is like a horror movie on the Lifetime Network now. Do ladies want to be stalked and controlled? What the fuck is happening???? I’m confused and scared. Now Christian-bot is like you gotta sign this contract Anastasia Steele, so that he can beat the shit out of her nude. She has never heard of this kind of sex before, so she looks up Dominant and Submissive shit and gets scared. Later Christian-bot finds out that Anastasia Steele is a virgin. This turned him on more. Remember here are the things that have turned him on so far.

1. She trips and falls down in front of him.

2. She wears boring and plain Jane clothing.

3. She drives a shitty car.

4. Her computer doesn’t work.

5. She is a virgin.

All these things would turn me the fuck off!!!! Meanwhile Christian-bot keeps telling her to email him about hanging out or whatever. Wait what year is this? Ummm call or text me it’s 2015! Fuckin email???? In the end they bang and she falls in love, then he is like I want to beat your ass still. So she cries and says to him do your best (worst)! So I think oh shit it’s about to get fucked up and nasty as hell. Like Yoda dildos, or fuckin donkeys, or blood orgies, etc. It turns out Christian-bots worst is literally spanking her 6 times. They counted out loud in the movie too. Six slaps with a belt across that ass. HAHAHA Ummm I’m not into spankings and shit, but that sounds like nothing to me. I was spanked worse as a child. Shit, I was doing worse shit at age 16. He got her a brand new car and computer. You can beat me all day for a new car. Okay this movie is a limp dick. Dakota Johnson is boring and not even good enough to be forgettable. Jamie Dornan is literally acting like a robot the whole movie and it gets old as fuck fast. They both act like they filmed their scenes in front of a green screen without each other there. Just talking to a green wall. That’s how empty it feels to me. “Star Wars: Episode II – Attack of the Clones” had more emotion in it.  This movie really comes across like a Lifetime movie about a girl being stalked. Ladies you can’t be cool with this? This is madness to me. If a dude tries to control you then slap them in the face. This story is hokey and cheesy and laughable. So if you are looking for something to masturbate to then this is not the movie to do it to. It’s boring, silly, and creepy (and not because of the sex). The sex is weak as shit. Just go watch “Basic Instinct” and “Nymphomaniac: Vol. I” or “Showgirls“. At least you will be entertained in these movies. 50 Shades of Grey seems like someone who has never understood or been into BDSM wrote it. 

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Dakota Johnson was boring and plain jane in this movie. She was annoying and her character name is the cheesiest shit I have heard in years. Anastasia Steele! FUCK YOU!

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B. E.L. James wrote the novel and he looks okay. 

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50 Shades of Grey started off as “Twilight” fan fiction. HAHAHAHA good god. Here is an article about it.

http://www.adweek.com/galleycat/fifty-shades-of-grey-wayback-machine/50128

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C. Jamie Dornan was the best android I have seen on a movie screen in years. Oh wait he is supposed to be human? HAHA oops! Also they show Anastasia Steele naked the whole movie and they never show his peen. It is a movie about sex they should be shown equally. 

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D. Sam Taylor-Johnson (Nowhere Boy) directed this. It was weak. 

E. Hellaiser was made in 1997. It’s hotter than this movie.

F. Danny Elfman‘s score was boring and forgettable.

G. I will let anyone spank me 6 times a day to get a new car and computer. This movie feels rated G to me. Also if you are into BDSM good for you. You are having more fun than most people. Article about BDSM myths.

http://www.divinecaroline.com/love-sex/6-myths-about-bdsm-inspired-50-shades-grey

H. They should have played Madonna’s “Hanky Panky” cuz it was more sexy than this movie and that song came out in 1990.

or Madonna’s “Erotica” in 1992.

Also Madonna’s Sex book came out in 1992. Compared to this 50 Shades seems rated G.

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Also these clips from the movie SHOWGIRLS make more sense than this movie and that is sad.

I. The best part in the movie was Beyonce’s songs. Whoever directed her music video should have directed this movie.

J. This poster is forgettable.

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“The Boxtrolls” or “Nicholas Hoult Thinks He Is A Troll Wearing A Box”- My fuckin review

My review for “The Boxtrolls“. They also made “ParaNorman” and I loved that movie. Okay so this movie is about an orphaned boy named “EGGS”. He is raised by a shit load of trolls who wear boxes for clothing. They put a box on Eggs too. So he grows up thinking he is a troll too, until this monster killer shows up and starts catching all the boxtrolls. He eventually teams up with this girl named “Winnie” who helps Eggs realize his ass is really a human. In the end they work together to find his troll friends. Okay so this movie is great and it’s a lot of fun to watch. Sometimes movies can be so dumbed down when they are mainly made for kids, but this film is for all ages. It’s smart and funny. You will laugh and be amazed at the animation. I hope they make toys of these bitches. So if you love animation, smart/fun dialogue, cool characters, over-the-top stories then this movie is for you. I loved it and will own it. Go rent that shit!

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. This  film was made by Laika Entertainment who also made “ParaNorman“, “Coraline” and “Corpse Bride“. Coming in 2016 “Kubo and the Two Strings” (Article about it http://io9.com/first-look-at-laikas-next-movie-kubo-and-the-two-strin-1674250526_).

B. Isaac Hempstead Wright plays Eggs. He also plays Bran Stark in “Game of Thrones“.

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C. Here go dem trolls.

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D. Elle Fanning played Winnie. The Fannings have taken control. 

E. Eggs looks like he was designed after Nicholas Hoult.

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F. Richard Ayoade is in this film as Mr. Pickles. He is funny in everything. 

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G. They played this song in end credits. It was great. Loch Lomond- “Little Boxes”.

H.Score was composed by Dario Marianelli (V for VendettaSalmon Fishing in the Yemen, and Eat Pray Love).

Listen here:

I. Cute poster.

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“Jupiter Ascending” or “Mila Kunis Bored In Space” – my fuckin review

Here is my review for “Jupiter Ascending“. The Wachowskis (Andy Wachowski and Lana Wachowski) directed this movie. Okay so this movie starts of with Mila Kunis cleaning toilets and is a poor Russian girl. She lives in Chicago and is trying to sell her eggs (eggs inside her) for money. Aliens show up to fuck her up because she is queen of the universe. I think? Then Channing shows up to protect her with Space Boots that allow him to skate up in the air. Later they both head to her kingdom and I think she is getting her taxes done. Finally there is a duel with her shitty family members. One of them is Eddie Redmayne. who talks really low. They all hate her and want her ass dead too, but Channing loves her. In the end Channing grows wings and turns into a gay angel and Mila gets space boots. Does this sound confusing? Well, so was the movie. I see what the Wachowskis were trying to do, but it didn’t work. It was a big space soap opera, but maybe it was too big. Every character was constantly explaining what was going on and who each other were. I honestly was confused half way through it and gave up trying to remember names or dynasties. It should have been a 12 part TV series so you could get it all. Channing is great when he is being funny, but he is so serious in this movie it’s boring. Mila was boring as hell in this movie and her and Channing had no chemistry at all. They looked like they had just met in every scene. Mila’s character had no knowledge of space or what she was when the film begins and then half way in the movie she somehow completely understands everything and is getting her space taxes done. I was like UMMMMM we don’t know what’s going how the hell does she. I did love the costumes and spaceships and shit but that’s all there is to lock onto in this film. The score is amazing also, but it can’t save this confusing/boring film. I wanted to like it but can’t. Wait for Netflix. So if you love the Wachowskis, Channing, space, action, a boring Mila, Eddie Redmayne and space boots then this is the movie for you. It was a let down for sure.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Channing Tatum looks good with elf ears, but he was too quiet and looked bored.

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B. I can’t even do my taxes on Earth and you want me to go through it in space with you. I don’t think so. Yes, I know they weren’t doing their taxes. It’s a joke.

C. Eddie Redmayne is entertaining in this movie. I kept trying to sound like him after the movie. Also wtf is this picture?

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Listen to him here.

D. Michael Giacchino is a brilliant composer. Have a listen.

E. Mila looks bored here too.

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F. The Wachowskis (Andy Wachowski and Lana Wachowski) also directed Cloud AtlasSpeed Racer, and The Matrix movies. I have been entertained by all their movies, but this one was TMI. Too Much Information at once. I loved Cloud Atlas.

G. Ummmm she is the best character in this movie. It should have been about her.

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H. Those space boots were out of fuckin control.

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I. Cute poster.

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“The Grand Budapest Hotel” or “Bisexual Concierge Runs A Pink Hotel” my fuckin review

Here is my review for “The Grand Budapest Hotel“. This film is directed by Wes Anderson and I have enjoyed all of his films for many reasons. Okay so this movie is about a guy named Gustave H (Ralph Fiennes), a bisexual concierge at a big ass pink hotel during the first and second World Wars. Zero Moustafa is his trusted friend and the lobby boy for the hotel. After one of Gutstave’s lovers dies they both get into all kinds of crazy ass trouble over a painting she leaves him in her will. They eventually run into a bad guy played by Adrien Brody. Then the chase is on. Okay so this film was great, I love Wes Anderson films because they are really all about the characters and how much fun and over-the-top they can be. He does such a great job with characters that I don’t even care about the story. You would want to hang out with any of these bitches. Fiennes is great in this movie and I love his purple outfit. The dialogue, like all his films, is fun and entertaining. So if you love Wes Anderson, Ralph Fiennes, a Bisexual concierge, pink hotels, over-the-top characters, and an interesting story then this is the movie for you. I bought it and will enjoy watching it again. Check it out.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Wes Anderson‘s films are always fun to watch and the characters are memorable as fuck!

B. Tony Revolori was great as Zero. 

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C. Ralph Fiennes is great in this movie. I’m also glad his character is bisexual and wearing purple. 

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D. Here is a look at all the characters. They are all pretty entertaining.

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E. Adrien Brody‘s hair is great in this.

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F. Jason Schwartzman is in this movie also. He and Wes are BFFs.

G. Take this poll on your favorite Wes Anderson movie. “The Royal Tenenbaums” is still my favorite.

H. Alexandre Desplat composed the score. (GodzillaThe Imitation GameZero Dark ThirtyMoonrise Kingdom, and The Tree of Life). Here is a listen. I like him.

I. This poster is great.

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“Gone Girl” or “Go On Gurllll- The Ben Affleck’s Dick Story”- my fuckin review

My review for “Gone Girl“. This film is directed by David Fincher . His films are always pretty interesting and entertaining. This film starts off with Ben Affleck living in suburbia. Soon he finds out his wife is gone, gurllll. Then the hunt is on to find out what happened to her. Is Ben guilty? Did they cat do it? Who is Neil Patrick Harris’s character? Is this movie better than Fincher’s other film “The Social Network“? Lastly when do you get to see Ben Affleck’s dick? Okay all these questions are answered and more when you watch this movie. This movie was a surprise to watch, and it’s what you think and then not what you think. Which is great, and I don’t want to give anything away. Rasamund Pike is great in this movie and Ben plays his character pretty calm and understated which is great too. The story is interesting and how it plays out is fun. Fincher comes from a music video background and that is why his movies look so great. He always has a great cast to back the story up also. You should definitely check this movie out, especially if you love murder mysteries. So if you thrillers, David Fincher’s films, crazy ass stories, and Ben Affleck and his junk then this is the movie for you. It will surprise you more than you think. Rent that shit!

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. David Fincher‘s films are always fun and entertaining. Which is your favorite?

His best work is directing this music video

B. Rosamund Pike was great in this movie and so was that fuckin cat!

Rosamund_Pike

D. Ben Affleck‘s Dick gif. Yes, this is a big deal, or why would they shoot it bitch!

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Happy about his dick.

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E. Pumpkin stencil of his dick.

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F. Neil Patrick Harris was creepy and weird and I loved it.

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G. Tyler Perry was good as the lawyer. Although I wished he played it as Madea.

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H. Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross composed the score. A sample. I dig his shit.

I. It looks like a space adventure. “Gone Girl in Space”

Gone-Girl-poster-3

“Selma” or “Go See This Movie And Learn Something Honkey” -my fuckin review

Here is my review for “Selma“. This is the true story about Martin Luther King‘s march from Selma to Montgomery, Alabama in 1965. King wanted to make sure that the voting rights were equal for all Americans. The movie takes place over a 3 month period and shows all the struggles that King as well as the people of Selma went through just so they could secure the right to vote. It also deals with President Johnson’s involvement and him signing the Voting Rights Act of 1965. A must see and very relevant even today. Okay so I loved this movie. It’s as real as a movie is going to get. David Oyelowo is beyond amazing as Martin Luther King. He should get Oscars. I love that King is shown as real person and not always a hero or a perfect husband. It’s honest and approachable. I love that they showed Martin and Coretta Scott King‘s relationship too, and that it was not perfect. I love that Orpah is in this, and when they hit her you really felt it too. I love how they showed how the Government kept tabs on Martin Luther King to see what he was up to. It was crazy what they knew about him. Even Malcolm X showed up and I had no idea that he was there during this march. This movie really is a must see for all, so that you remember or see where America was at in 1965 and how much things have changed and NOT changed over the years. You may also learn something you didn’t know. So you need to see this movie because you will learn something about humanity, your friends, your family, and even yourself. Go see it and don’t wait for Netflix, see it at the theatre if it’s still out when you read this.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Ava DuVernay was the director, she did an amazing job. Can’t wait to see more from her in the future.

B. Martin Luther King is a better man than me I would be punching mother fuckers. I live down the street from his church and the National Historic site. I literally drive passed it everyday coming from work. I always think about it too. I have even filmed there once. His story is always relevant.

C. David Oyelowo was literally Martin Luther King. He captured everything about him. He should win all the awards. 

Selma

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D. A video about the real Selma. Watch it to see the real images from the march.

E. Oprah Winfrey as Annie Lee Cooper was amazing. I love her in movies and hope she does more and slaps more people in them.

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F. The song “Glory” by Common and John Legend played in the end credits. I have met Common a few times and he is real and genuine.

G. Real pictures from 1965 in Selma. They also showed real images of Selma at the end of the film and that was great too.

6306070_orig &" CIVIL RIGHTS MARCH

 

H. Simple and effective.

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“The Guest” or “Terminator Mary Poppins” my fuckin review

Here is my review for “The Guest“. This movie begins with this dude named David who looks like he is a model, but he is really in the military. He goes to visit this family claiming to the best friend of their dead son. He ends up staying as a guest with the family and then people start dying. Everyone would let him stay as a guest cuz look at his fucking eyes. They suck you in and off.

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In the end there really is no ending. Okay so I liked this movie, but I didn’t love it. There are so many cool things that are in this movie. Dan Stevens (David) is great in it and really is cool and creepy. The rest of the cast is pretty fun. The soundtrack and score are amazing and it has a John Carpenter feel to it. The film takes place during Halloween, and all the sets have pumpkins in it. They even end up at a Halloween dance. It’s shot well and looks great. The big problem is it never goes anywhere. Obviously the Director Adam Wingard is modeling this film after different movies from the 70’s and 80’s (HalloweenThe Terminator), but it’s 2014 and that shit doesn’t work as well today as it did back then. This film lacks a punch or even something original in the story. You kept wishing this or that would happen for a twist or surprise or something fun. It just ends. I have found that if I am in a movie and wishing that something else was happening that means I am bored with the story that they have written. It just seems basic. I wish he would have been a robot, or their real son with a facelift, or David was sent by their dead son to kill his family. Hell anything. They really don’t tell you anything, but that he was part of a military program. That’s it. Not enough. I bet most of you will feel the same way. Adam W. also directed a movie called “You’re Next” (Here is my review of that film “You’re Next” or “When Stupid Ass Rich White People Get Attacked”- my fuckin review). Which I didn’t like because it felt like it was made in the 90’s and left you wanting something more. Cool idea, but it never really went anywhere. Maybe it’s the writer of both films fault (Simon Barrett). I hope they realize that need these films need something extra to be great movie. They are on the right path and let’s hope they get there. So if you love 80’s throwbacks, Halloween, a great synth soundtrack, and story that never goes anywhere then this is the movie for you. I had fun watching it and wanted to love it but couldn’t. It’s worth the watch for sure. Just don’t expect a pay off at the end. 

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Dan Stevens was great in this movie. He was fun and spooky. His eyes will molest you. Honestly I didn’t see what the problem was because he was just helping this family out the whole time until shit hit the fan. He was like a terminator Mary Poppins. Flew into help them and then left. 

dan-gunHey guest, where’s your shirt bitch?

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B. The score was composed by Steve Moore and it was great. The soundtrack was also amazing. Here is one of the songs from the soundtrack.

C. It takes place during Halloween which is hot ass. In this shot you can see that the decorations were designed like the masks from “Halloween III: Season of the Witch“. I love that.

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Here they are carving pumpkins with a switch blade. I loved that. 1407781768851_wps_3_The_Guest_2_jpg

D. Maika Monroe aka Sarah Connor and Brendan Meyer aka John Connor. 

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E. This song by Stevie B. was played. I loved that.

F. The film was directed by Adam Wingard who made V/H/S (segment “Tape 56″), The ABCs of Death (segment “Q Is for Quack”),  V/H/S/2 (segment “Phase I Clinical Trials”) and You’re Next. I think he is on the right path, but something always seems missing. Like a punch or something original. I have hopes for him after this movie. It’s like the ending of this movie lacked something fun or cool that could have made it great. Maybe David could have been a robot. Maybe who could have been sent by the dead son to kill that family, because the son hated them. Shit something.

G. Dan Stevens was also on Downton Abbey as Matthew Crawley.

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H. I wish the story would have paid off in the end. It just left you feeling flat. Throw me a fuckin bone.

I. This poster is great. I love the color.

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