“Split” or “James McAvoy Character Orgy” my fuckin review

Here is my review for “Split“. M. Night Shyamalan is back again and everyone acts like they hate him still. Haha He can’t get a break after making “The Happening”. Okay so this film starts off with 3 female teens leaving a party. They get into a car and then get kidnapped by James McAvoy. Now they are in some basement warehouse somewhere with trapped with his ass. Shit gets nuttier when he starts coming in acting like a shit load of different people each time. He has split personalities! Get it! Some are nice and some are assholes. He eventually starts talking about a new personality that is about to pop off that is a beast or demon or something. So fuck that! They have got to get out of there. Meanwhile he is hanging out with some old lady therapist that is trying to help him. She really is trying too, but he crazy. In the end the beast shit hits the fan and personalities go ape shit too. Now here comes a cool twist I didn’t see coming. Yayyyyyyy! I love that ending. WHAT THE FUCK!

Okay so I had fun watching this film. James sold all 23 personalities, it was like a mental orgy up in there. He was creepy and even funny at times too. The main girl Anya Taylor-Joy (the girl from “The Witch”) was great and I hope she keeps doing horror movies. She has a great horror stare. There were some weird flashbacks with her character that seemed a little long-winded, but I get it, you needed to know she was a survivor etc. I love that M. Night always get supernatural and weird cuz that’s what I want to see. It would have been nice for the old lady to help him though, like people with mental disorders aren’t monsters but can be helped etc. Meanwhile the endings reveal was great and made me want to watch another movie of M. Nights again ASAP! I loved that. It was fun. So if you want to see a fun, creepy, weird, twisty movie then this is for you. If you hate all of M. Night’s movies then you will probably hate this one too. So skip it, or if you have hang ups about him then skip it.  Some people hate that he has twist endings. 

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. James McAvoy was great in this movie and he sold all his parts.

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Work it girl.

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B. Anya Taylor-Joy was great in this and I love her long ass stares in movies. 

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Here she is in THE WITCH too.

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C. Here is a list of M. Night Shyamalan‘s films/TV. I guess he really got a raw deal. Many directors have things they love to do in their films that make them “their” films. You know when it’s a John Carpenter film etc., because they all have a filmmaking style. M. Night has his twist endings and people hate him for it for some reason. They roll their eyes it. I mean I guess he just love Twilight Zone endings or whatever. Give the guy a break. Shit he has now made 7 things that I like and 4 I didn’t. 

The Good: 7

The Sixth SenseSignsUnbreakableThe VillageWayward PinesThe Visit, and now Split

The Bad: 4

Lady in the WaterThe HappeningThe Last AirbenderAfter Earth.

D. Betty Buckley gave it her all. 

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E. West Dylan Thordsoy (JoyThe Jinx: The Life and Deaths of Robert Durst) composed this movie. It was pretty good.

F. His next movie is Labor of Love– A widower embarks on a cross-country trip on foot to prove his love for his late wife.

G. Cute.

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“A Monster Calls” or “A Demon Tree Tells The Truth”- my fuckin review

Here is my review for “A Monster Calls“. Okay so this movie is about a boy named Conor and his mother Felicity Jones, who has cancer and is very sick. Conor is trying to deal with it and a giant monster tree comes to visit him one night and tell hims stories. The monster’s stories are about his own past and how he dealt with humans and crazy fucked up issues. They are to make Conor think about humanity and himself in a different way. They are some interesting and fucked up next level stories! Meanwhile his grandmother Sigourney Weaver shows up and Conor hates her, but only because his mother is dying and he doesn’t want to admit to that shit. In the end Conor has to deal with his truth and learns that the truth is all that matters. REAL AS FUCK!

This movie is great, because it is a lot. If kids get what is going on then they really did learn a lot. Shit if adults get it then they did too. It really is about being honest with yourself and others around you. Finding your truth and living with it. The boy who played Conor sold the shit out of it. I believed his anger and sadness and even denial. The stories the monster told were full of real shit that made you think about the world and humans. Shit is not always what it seems and neither are people. Sigourney is really just amazing in anything just let her show up and she will shut a room down. Honestly this movie is great and makes you think about your own life and the things you need to admit to. I had a cousin die of cancer and it was hard and fucked up. So check this movie out it will entertain you but also make you think and feel something real.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Lewis McDougall was great! You believed those tears. 

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B. Liam Neeson voiced the monster. 

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C. I love Keane! Here is the new song from the film.

D. The art was great in this movie. Also it’s directed by  J.A. Bayonne (The OrphanageThe ImpossibleUntitled Jurassic World Sequel).

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E. The score was composed by Fernando Velázquez (Crimson Peak)

F. Sigourney Weaver is amazing in everything. Give her all the awards. 

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G. The poster is cute.

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“Elle” or “Paul Verhoeven Makes Another Weird 90’s Sex FIick” – my fuckin review

Here is my review for “Elle“. Paul Verhoeven where have you been! I love his films. He is brilliant and goddamn out of control (RoboCopTotal RecallBasic InstinctShowgirlsStarship Troopers). His films are sexual and violent, but honest. This film is about a woman named Michèle Leblanc who is raped in her house one day and it’s witnessed only by her cat who seems unimpressed by it all (like the cat in Alien). Then she orders food. What the fuck. It’s a Paul Verhoeven film though. She is then caught up in a weird mystery of “whodunit”. Along the way she deals with her father’s mob past and her son’s new wife. She also runs a successful video game company and doesn’t want the police involved because she wants things done on her own terms always, but really she is just too busy to deal with it. It really is a bizarre film that reads like a 90’s thriller at times. It really is a Paul Verhoeven movie with one-the-top characters, which is a good thing. It’s interesting, entertaining, fucked up and real.

I really did like this movie a lot and Isabelle Huppert is great in it and I love that she was cast. She is a women in her 50’s and who is in charge and knows what she wants how to get it and end it.  I think the character of Michele was in control of everything. At one point she tells a guy to take his dick out and show it to her. Just to make sure it was not the same dick that raped her. What the fuck. She goes and gets weapons and learns to fight all while running a business and being on top of everything even sexually. She really does give it to you up until the end. Her son is played by Jonas Bloquet and is a weird ass slacker character and is sort of dumb in a way. Michele had to be in control of his life too. Anyway if you love Paul Verhoeven, a 90’s feel, weird sexual shit, and movies in French then this is the movie for you. Go check it out. 

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Paul Verhoeven is a great director. He does what he wants to. Fuck it. Also the Christmas dinner scene was great. 

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B. Isabelle Huppert learning to shoot a gun to kill dudes with. Kill them! 

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C. It won 2 Golden Globes. Best Foreign Picture and Best Performance by an Actress Isabelle Huppert. The cat should have won one too. 

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D. Here is a picture of when she asks to see this dudes dick.

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E. Jonas Bloquet was great in this too. 

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F. Composed by Anne Dudley. It feels weirdly 90’s take a listen. Warning it does not take place in the 90’s. Just felt that way.

G. This poster is cool.

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The Best Films of 2016! MY FUCKIN OPINION!

Here is a list of my top films of 2016 that I loved and the reviews for each one underneath. You may agree or disagree. Who cares make your own or let me know one I may have missed and I will watch that shit and add it to the list.

1. The Neon Demon– The more I saw this movie more I love it. The way it’s filmed, the weird shit going on, the score, the lingering stares, the triangles, the blood, the ending, the eyeballs, the eating people, etc. People hate or people love it. I DON’T CARE! When I watch it I am happy. If anything is truly art this is. Hate or love it.

https://eddieraysmoviereviews.wordpress.com/2016/06/25/the-neon-demon-or-beauty-isnt-the-only-thing-there-is-also-blood-my-fuckin-review/

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2. Pee-wee’s Big Holiday– Pee-wee Herman you are my hero. Still! You make me laugh and I would follow you on any journey in this world. I have seen this movie so many times this year and I smile every time. Thank you!

https://eddieraysmoviereviews.wordpress.com/2016/03/24/pee-wees-big-holiday-or-pee-wee-is-timeless-gold-my-fuckin-review/

3. The Witch– This tore the horror community apart. It shouldn’t have. There is room for all kinds of Horror movies. I love Horror movies. If you found yourself on either side of this movie you were in the wrong. That’s right in the wrong. You were either a horror movie snob or a horror gore whore. You can be both and love The Conjuring and The Witch or It Follows etc. This was great and interesting and really made a point about women.

https://eddieraysmoviereviews.wordpress.com/2016/02/19/the-witch-or-satanic-goats-and-witch-titties-run-my-fuckin-review/

4. Kubo and the Two Strings– This company boggles my mind. Their films are all amazing and this one is incredible. A Not Children’s movie bout Buddhism! I love it!

https://eddieraysmoviereviews.wordpress.com/2016/09/06/kubo-and-the-two-strings-or-amazing-one-eyed-buddhist-boy-fights-demons-in-japan-my-fuckin-review/

5. Closet Monster– A coming of age gay story that’s not cheesy and forced! This movie was great, emotional and yes kept your ass interested the whole time.

https://eddieraysmoviereviews.wordpress.com/2016/12/28/closet-monster-or-learning-to-be-gay-with-buffy-my-fuckin-review/

6. Rogue One: A Star Wars Story– Well, I know it’s Star Wars but I really liked this movie. It was the most grounded Star Wars movie ever made. It was sad and felt real. People died. You really felt like they were fighting for a cause in this one. I was in. I was sold.

https://eddieraysmoviereviews.wordpress.com/2016/12/22/rogue-one-a-star-wars-story-or-a-serious-fuckin-star-wars-my-fuckin-review/

7. The Conjuring 2– James Wan you know what I want. I love all these Conjuring movies and Insidious movies. I love the real life Warrens and you gave me their stories. This is what I want.

https://eddieraysmoviereviews.wordpress.com/2016/06/09/the-conjuring-2-or-the-warrens-go-fight-demons-in-england-yes-my-fuckin-review/

8. La La Land– I love singing and dancing, but I love when shit is real. This movie gave it to me. Plus I love the cast.

https://eddieraysmoviereviews.wordpress.com/2016/12/29/la-la-land-or-the-magic-and-sadness-of-hollywood-my-fuckin-review/

9. Other People– Life is funny, Death is funny and sad. This movie is great because it feels like it happened to someone for real. 

https://eddieraysmoviereviews.wordpress.com/2016/12/30/other-people-or-cancer-gay-and-molly-shannon-my-fuckin-review/

10. 10 Cloverfield Lane– UMMMMM This movie surprised the shit out of me. It was non-stop and it was great and it was like WTF! Also the main character was the smartest and toughest girl on film this year!

https://eddieraysmoviereviews.wordpress.com/2016/03/18/10-cloverfield-lane-or-cloverfield-2-you-go-gurl-my-fuckin-review/

BONUS: Movies that were fun to watch and were runners up to my top 10 list.

1. Green Room– Brutal as fuck. The cast is the best. At the time I thought Nazis that shit is over. Now I am shit Nazis are back wtf.

https://eddieraysmoviereviews.wordpress.com/2016/06/03/green-room-or-punk-is-not-dead-but-it-is-cut-the-fuck-up-my-fucking-review/

2.  Zootopia– The most diverse movie of the year. It deals with everything racism, sexism, homophobia. NUTS!

https://eddieraysmoviereviews.wordpress.com/2016/12/29/zootopia-or-the-most-diverse-film-of-2016-my-fuckin-review/

3. Black Mirror (San Junipero)- Yes, just a TV show but better than most movies I have seen this year. It was amazing.

4. The Edge of Seventeen– A teen movie for every age and of 2016.

https://eddieraysmoviereviews.wordpress.com/2017/01/01/edge-of-seventeen-or-teen-girls-are-pissed-off-but-they-are-honest-my-fuckin-review/

5. Arrival– If aliens showed up this shit would happen. Real and interesting.

6. Neighbors 2: Sorority Rising– The only movie that made me laugh all year really and yet also dealt with sexist issues in colleges at the same time. It allowed women to be funny just like the men.

https://eddieraysmoviereviews.wordpress.com/2016/06/14/neighbors-2-sorority-rising-or-funny-ass-neighbors-with-messages-my-fuckin-review/

7. Elle– Paul Verhoeven is back with a crazy french film about woman dealing with an attacker. The outcome is nuts. It honestly felt like a 90’s movie.

https://eddieraysmoviereviews.wordpress.com/2017/01/18/elle-or-paul-verhoeven-makes-another-weird-90s-sex-fiick-my-fuckin-review/

8. King Cobra– Yes, it’s trashy and all over the place but I love trashy fun!

https://eddieraysmoviereviews.wordpress.com/2016/11/25/king-cobra-or-brent-corrigan-is-a-national-treasure-my-fuckin-review/

9. Midnight Special– It was like watching a weird ass E.T. movie. It was interesting and I had no idea where it would end.

https://eddieraysmoviereviews.wordpress.com/2016/05/25/midnight-special-or-boy-with-fucked-up-eyes-on-the-run-my-fuckin-review/

10. A space for something I may have missed!!!!!

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“Edge Of Seventeen” or “Teen Girls Are Pissed Off, But They Are Honest” my fuckin review

Here is my review for “The Edge of Seventeen“. This film is about a teen girl named Nadine and the teenage shit she goes through. She is growing up and dealing with school, a dead dad and her best friend just started dating her older brother. She is stressed and her school work is due. Life is a nightmare etc, etc. Wait till the goddamn rent is due then talk to me about suicide. Needless to say Nadine figures shit out in this coming of age story.

Here is what is really crazy! I liked this movie a lot and the girl who plays Nadine, Hailee Steinfeld, is great. You could watch her in any story. I hope she solves crimes next. What is also cool is her love interest. HE AIN’T WHITE! Yes, this is a big deal. He is Asian. It matters. All this matters. I loved that. He is played by Hayden Szeto and he is awesome and you will love him too. Blake Jenner does play the typical white guy, but he is her older brother, and he even turns out not to be so typical which was great too. They did a good job with making characters real and interesting. It’s a teen movie for 2016. Honestly I would love to see a part 2 and her in college or some shit and I feel like girls and guys will relate to this story because they shit it out on you. That’s real. My life isn’t PG, it’s rated R or worse. So if you are teen girl, a teen boy, woman, or a man or everything in between you will like this movie and relate to it somehow. Growing up is a bitch and it turns out you are still growing up asshole. Check it out!

 

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Hailee Steinfeld (Pitch Perfect 2 and 3) was great and you would follow her anywhere. 

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B. Hayden Szeto was the love interest and he was awesome and awkward! I am glad they didn’t just cast another white dude. 

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C. Directed and Written by Kelly Fremon Craig. Cleary someone to follow and watch for her next movie.

D. Blake Jenner (his big break was Glee) was in this as her brother. He was good and not entirely what you thought. 

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E. It was cool film with fun and interesting characters that felt real.

F. There is another movie that is gay themed called “Edge of Seventeen“.

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G. This song by Stevie Nicks should have been in it.

This song by Santigold was in it. It’s good too.

H. It looks like the Fall season.

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“Pete’s Dragon” or “Bastard Child Has Shitty Hair And Hangs Out With CGI Green DOG” my fuckin review

Here is my review for “Pete’s Dragon“. The film starts off with this family driving and they get into a wreck because they aren’t paying attention to the road in front of them. Now the parents are dead and the little boy Pete is lost in the woods and meets a dragon, that for some reason looks like a big ass green dog. He immediately forgets his parents ever existed and lives with this fuckin Dog Dragon for 6 YEARS! WHAT! What’s he eating magic? Dragon Shit? Anyway I guess the dragon bought him food at Whole Foods. Meanwhile now he is a bastard homeless child running around with shitty hair and old clothes hanging off his ass. Dirt is all over his face and he looks like his has not taken a bath in 6 years. The Dog Dragon doesn’t know how to show him how to take bath but can make him and elaborate treehouse. Later Bryce Dallas Howard shows up and tells him to get out of the woods that he needs to live with a human family. That Dog Dragons are stupid as fuck and not real!!!!! Also there are log dudes that want to kill the Dog Dragon. They hate him cuz he is green and shit. Also the kid still has NOT gotten a hair cut. I mean it looks horrible. Now Robert Redford is sitting around talking about magic and shit. Later everyone is after the Dog Dragon and he tries to burn Bryce Dallas Howard screaming to death in her car. Honestly good riddance. They eventually get the Dog Dragon back to the woods and the boy forsakes him for this new family HE HAS ONLY KNOWN FOR A FUCKIN DAY! Wait til they tell you to clean your room and to take a bath you little shit, then you will pray for the Dog Dragon to love you again you mop haired little fucker. So if you love shitty hair, Dog Dragons, the Renaissance Festival, logging, dirty looking kids, and terrible ass dragon folk music then this is for you. It was not for me. Get a hair cut you ain’t one of THE BEATLES BITCH!

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Take a bath and go to SUPER CUTS BITCH!

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Here he is trying to comb that rat’s nest.
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B. Dog Dragon! WTF!

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C. This is from the old one. This shit looks more real. Hahane79gsza5x6jad_1_b

 

D. Here is a song from the new one. It sounds like when you are walking into the Renaissance Festival.

Here is a song from the old one. Holy shit. I might be happy all day after hearing this shit.

E. Haha wtf am I looking at? GAG ME WITH A DOG DRAGON!

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F. I love magic and movies about magic, but I felt limp after watching this. The score was composed by Daniel Hart and bored me also. He also did the score for The Exorcist (TV Series) that score was bad also.

G. Hahaha fuzzy ass dog tail.

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