“The Forest” or “Go Kill Yourself and Me” – my fuckin review

Here is my review for “The Forest“. Okay so this American girl gets a message that her twin sister has gone into a forest that is in Japan that is haunted as fuck called “The Suicide Forest”. It is where all these people go to kill themselves when they are sad in Japan. So there are all kinds of ghosts and demons and shit there. It’s literally based on reality and many people have died there. So this dumb American girl is like “Oh no my fuckin sister, I gotta go find her stupid ass”. So she goes to Japan into the woods to find her. There she meets Lady Gaga’s boyfriend who happens to be the only conveniently white guy in the city and flirts with him and then he takes her into the woods as a tour guide or some shit. Why a white guy? Why not a hot Japanese dude? I mean you are in JAPAN! What the fuck!!! I guess white people find each other. Now it’s getting late and they decide to stay in the SUICIDE WOODS all night. I’m not staying in a haunting ass woods all night to wait for anyone that may or may not be dead. Literally go kill yourself now bitch. You deserve to die. I deserve to die too for staying and continuing to watch this shitty ass movie. So know it’s 3am or some shit in the middle of some giant ass Satanic death forest and this bitch starts seeing asian ghost girls that tell her to follow them deep into the woods. Umm kill yourself bitch. Now the white dude is acting sketchy, more ghosts are showing up and they are still looking for the dumb twin sister. Who cares. Go kill yourselves. Kill me. Kill the theater. Kill the cast. Kill the Director. I’m dead bitch. So this movie is predictable and dumb. You will roll your eyes the first 5 minutes in the movie when the American girl starts saying I know my sister is not dead because we are twins and I can feel she is not dead. HAHAHA Shut up dummy! Then she does stupid shit the rest of the movie. Yes, I love horror movies so maybe I am harder on them. They have to be smart and fun and scary. Two dumb ass honkeys in the woods ain’t enough. Meanwhile I would love to see a documentary on the true life Suicide Forest because that shit sounds scary as fuck. So if you want to scare a ten year old then show them this movie.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Don’t force your twin bullshit on me.

B. I like Natalie Dormer but she sucked in this. I prayed for this to happen to me the whole movie.

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C.  I want to see the real story about the Suicide Forest aka The Aokigahara Forest. Here is a 20 minute documentary about it. Unfortunately it’s by Vice.

D. Lady Gaga’s boyfriend was the sketchy white dude (Eoin Macken).

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E. Runnnn and then go kill yourself.

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F. Jason Zada directed this film and he has only done short films. This picture should have been the whole movie. It was not. It was like 2 seconds. 

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G. The composer was Bear McCreary (Battlestar GalacticaTerminator: The Sarah Connor ChroniclesDamien). Who I usually love but this score was forgettable.

H. The poster. Go kill yourself now.

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“The Revenant” or “Watch Leo Suffer for 2 1/2 Hours” my fuckin review

Here is my review for “The Revenant“. Leo is back and this time he is suffering. Okay so in this film Leo is some sort of tracker that is leading a team of dudes back from the harsh cold of the wilderness. This shit is old school America so there is no Wal-Mart to help them with supplies. Leo has his son with him who is also Native American and Tom Hardy is there and is racist and hates Leo. Later this fuckin bear shows up and fucks Leo to hell and back and Tom Hardy wants to leave his ass for dead. I mean shit it’s snowing and he is too heavy to carry. So true, you gotta leave a bitch. Leo’s son is all “no way I love my dad” and Leo loves him back. Eventually Tom Hardy, Will Poulter, and his son stay behind to watch him while that wait on his ass to die, but Tom is tired of that shit so he kills the son and leave Leo to die. Then He and Will head back to Fort Something Log Walls America. Now Leo finds hate strength to crawl his ass across the wilderness to take revenge on Tom Hardy. Along the way Leo runs into all kinds of suffering. He even has to Tautaun (sleep inside his horse in the snow) his dead horse in the snow. It’s fucked up. Okay so I did like this movie a lot, it really is just a revenge movie with heart, but a good one. Leo really did love his son and his son loved him. I was like, fuck I wish Leo was my dad. It is a very quiet film at times, so don’t expect non-stop action. You really are watching this man struggle for 2 1/2 hours. Everyone is great in it too (Leo, Tom Hardy, Forrest Goodluck Leo’s son, and Will Poulter). I love that this film is also about the misunderstanding and mistreatment of Native Americans also. You see how one mans compassion for his Native American son and others went a long way. It’s also a sad movie and you will be sad watching it. It’s also loosely based on a true events. So that’s fucked up too. It really is a sad, quiet, brutal, and beautiful film that you should check out. It will probably win best picture.

The Trailer:

The Bear Facts:

A. Look at Leonardo DiCaprio‘s face. Literally the whole movie.

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B. I bet Leo finally wins the Oscar for this movie, but he deserves it for “What’s Eating Gilbert Grape” and “Critters 3” and “Total Eclipse.

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C. Tom Hardy is a bitch in this movie, but does well as usual.

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D. Ryuichi Sakamoto composed the score. It was nice and moody as fuck. Listen here:

E. Alejandro González Iñárritu is the director. He also made “Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance)” and “Babel“. 

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F. BEAR RAPE! I mean a bear will fuck you up!
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G. Domhnall Gleeson is in this movie too. 

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H. Leo’s best friend Lukas Haas is in this movie too.

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I. Everyone in this movie looks like stepped on old school wilderness American shit.

J. This poster is blue.

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“Me and Earl and the Dying Girl” or “Real Teens Hanging Out and Dealing With Death”- my fuckin review

Here is my review for “Me and Earl and the Dying Girl“. So I was kinda of like whatever to watching this movie, but I watched it anyway. I’m glad I did though. Okay so this film is about this High schooler named Greg (Thomas Mann) who make parodies of films with his co-worker (not friend) Earl (RJ Cyler). One day his mother forces him to hang out with a classmate who has cancer named Rachel (Olivia Cooke). Greg doesn’t really have close friends but rather acquaintances and co-workers on films. He has issues getting close to people. He goes to hangout with Rachel and they become friends but the best part about this movie is that it doesn’t turn into some fake ass sappy love story. All their friendships seem real and not forced or cheesy. Rachel has cancer, and cancer is terrible and fucked up. Not a love story. It’s a nightmare and not a series of poetic moments. All these characters seem like real people to me and I liked the movie a lot. Yes, it’s sad at times, but it’s also funny. My cousin died from cancer and there were moments were Rachel reminded of her. So they did their job I guess. Even Greg and Thomas have real moments figuring out their friendship in the film as well. RJ Cyler who play Earl was great in this movie and I bet will be a big star one day. He is funny as hell. So if you are looking for a real story about teens growing up dealing with real shit and not what color of dress they need for the prom then this is the movie for you. This shit ain’t “Pretty in Pink”. Give this film a watch and don’t judge a book by its teen cover. Remember bitch you were a teen once and that shit was hard figuring shit out. I bet you will like this film if you give it a chance you jaded ass bitch.

The Trailer:

The Dead Girl Facts:

A. Thomas Mann (Project XBeautiful CreaturesIt’s Kind of a Funny StoryKong: Skull Island) is good in this movie and has popped up in other shit you may know. He seems like a normal guy you would know.

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B. Directed by Alfonso Gomez-Rejon (Glee episodes, Red Band SocietyThe Town That Dreaded SundownAmerican Horror Story episodes). What a weird ass list. 

C. Olivia Cooke (OuijaThe Quiet OnesBates MotelThe Signal) was also in Bates Motel and she is always sick in shit, but she is good at it. It’s believable. 

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D. RJ Cyler (Power Rangers NEW) was funny and real and will be a big star one day. 

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E. I love that these characters do not fall in love and they keep shit real. Forced love can be so shitty and cheesy.

Here is the song from the hospital and the final song by Brian Eno.

F. The character Scott Mayhew (Matt Bennett) was funny and this is his goth crew.

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G. I would hang with them.

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H. Cute poster.

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“Maze Runner: The Scorch Trials” or “Get Outta The Scorch Bitch” -my fuck review

Here is my review for “Maze Runner: The Scorch Trials“. This is the sequel to “The Maze Runner” which I dug. Okay this movie starts off right where the last one left off. Our crew is saved by another Govt. group and taken outside the maze to a base, but they soon find out from that guy from Game of Thrones that everybody is a goddamn liar! So now the Maze Posse team up with some new friends and they are all on the run again but this time outside where the Earth is a burned out apocalyptic shit hole called “The Scorch”. There they run into some crazy zombie like people and all kinds off dickheads, all while on the way to try to find people who might help them in the hills. Who can they trust? Will they get their asses Scorched? Watch to find out bitch! Okay I liked this movie too, it pretty much keeps moving the whole time and the setting keeps changing throughout the film. The first film they were trapped in the maze the whole time, and this one they are on the go. I like the cast a lot and the main guy, played by Dylan O’Brien, is a likable/”real” guy. He is not packed full of muscles or a superhero type. He seems like a real bitch, someone you would know. Not a Hemsworth or some shit like that. I do love this apocalyptic setting a lot too, but the mystery of the first film is gone. You really know what is going on in this film and it’s  GO, GO, GO. The ending is obviously open for another film because there is another book, and yes I do want to see that shit also. These films are way more entertaining and interesting to me than those sad ass “Divergent” films. If you like post apocalyptic/dystopian films about attractive people on the go fighting zombie like monsters and sand everywhere then you will love this shit. I liked it and it was fun to watch.

The Trailer:

The Facts Bitch:

A. Dylan O’Brien is interesting action star because it’s like someone you know. This is seems real to me and I like it.

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B. Thomas Brodie-Sangster is good in these movies and has a memorable face. He needs to curse more.

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C. The Maze Runner: The Death Cure  is not coming out until 2017 fuck! This is the next movie.

D. Kaya Scodelario was in Skins and she is cool but quiet in these movies. 

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E. Directed by Wes Ball. He also directed the first one and the next one. 

F. Maze/Scorch Posse.

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G. Lili Taylor and Aidan Gillen show up. Lili Taylor is always gold.

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H. I do love a good waste land.

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This should have been the poster. Dylan and Thomas about to make out. Haha

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“The Hateful Eight” or “Quentin Tarantino’s The Thing”- My fuckin review

Here is my review for “The Hateful Eight“. I was lucky enough to watch this bitch in 70MM. It looked and sounded great and was longer etc. Okay so this film is about Kurt Russell playing a bounty hunter that is trying to get a prisoner he has captured to town though a blizzard for money. The prisoner is Jennifer Jason Leigh and along the way he picks up passengers that may or may not be secretly trying to help her ass escape. Due to the terrible snow storm they have to stop off at this cabin that already has all these people hanging out in it. Basically Kurt has to find out who The Thing/bad guy is or he may lose his life and prisoner. Okay so I did love this movie maybe because there are a lot of nods to John Carpenter’s “The Thing” in it. Kurt Russell, people trapped in the snow, finding out who is bad, 3 pieces of unused score from the movie “The Thing”, even the end is very Thingish. Kurt Russell, Samuel L. Jackson and Walton Goggins are the stars of this movie and are the most fun and you will love them the most too. The dialogue is like all Tarantino films interesting and entertaining. They do say the “N” word a lot. Too much. It’s like we get it, we know they would have said back it in this time frame a lot. We also get these people are dickheads or what not and you are supposed to like Samuel L. Jackson and it makes you like him more but after the 50th time it’s still like bitch come onnnnnnn. Words exist and to act like they don’t is silly I guess, but we don’t need to get clobbered by them either. Meanwhile Kurt Russell is a national treasure and we should have Kurt Russell day and everyone should be off work that day. Quentin Tarantino has always entertained me with his films even these westerns ones and I don’t like westerns. So he must be doing something right. It does feel like a stage play though because the setting stays pretty much the same the entire movie, but I was okay with that as well. I assume that is what his ass was going for. Channing Tatum shows up and I like that Channing has fun with shit and he seems like a real guy in movies, etc. I love that Zoe Bell had a brief part in this. I love her and I don’t care. Anyway at this point if you like Quentin Tarantino films you will probably like this movie but this is not “Kill Bill”. So if you are looking for Kill Bill this is not it. Also if you don’t like stage plays you will probably get bored in this shit too. That’s Just a warning. I dug it a lot though because it reminded me of the movie “The Thing”, it was violent, and I love Kurt Russell and the score. Check that shit out. 

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Quentin Tarantino is a fun director to me and I am always entertained. Hearing him talk is irritating and he sounds like he is on Cocaine non-stop. 

B. Kurt Russell is a goddamn national treasure. He is amazing in everything. Even his worst movie he has ever made he is still gold in. He is great in this movie too. Thank you Kurt for everything. 

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C. Samuel L. Jackson you are amazing. You keep me laughing and entertained in everything you do. You are brilliant.

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D. Ennio Morricone composed the score. He also helped John Carpenter compose the score to “THE THING”. They used 3 unused tracks from the movie The Thing in this movie also. Those songs are amazing as well.

Here is a new song from this film it’s amazing “L’Ultima Diligenza di Red Rock”. Listen here.

E. Walton Goggins is really great in this movie and steals the show. He is a fuckin racist and somehow you still like him in the end. That means he did his job as an actor. 

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F. Jennifer Jason Leigh is like an old toothless witch in this movie. I loved her.

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Here is a pic of Jennifer in “Single White Female“.

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Jennifer from Hudsucker Proxy

G. Zoë Bell I love you.  She plays 6 Horse Judy!

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H. Channing does interesting shit to me. Here he is dressed as Beyoncé because I couldn’t find a pic of him from the movie.

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I. Trailer for THE THING.

J. Pretty as fuck.

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The Best Fuckin Films of 2015 You Stupid Ass!

Okay 2015 was a pretty good year in film, but here is the top 10 movies I enjoyed the most. Which means I will own them and watch them again and again. I loved them for different reasons so I attached my reviews underneath each one. You can click them to read them. If you haven’t seen any of these go rent them or whatever. Remember this is not your top 10, it’s mine bitch. Also this list may change over time because it’s impossible to see every fuckin movie in 2015. So I have missed some movies in 2015, when I run into more in the future this shit could change. The Top 10 probably not though.

Our film is clearly the best film of the year, but I can’t vote for myself.

Satanic Panic 2: Battle of the Bands is fun, musical, and fuckin hilarious.

Add us on Facebook here so you can find out where to see this amazing film.

https://www.facebook.com/satanicpanic666

Also the film I co-wrote with Jonny Rej became available to watch online. Atlanta Zombie Apocalypse

Watch it here:

HERE IS THE LIST and links to my reviews are under each film.

1. “Mad Max: Fury Road – The best movie of the year. It had everything. Amazing characters, score, story, acting, setting, and cohesion. Honestly it surprised me and it’s the best of 2015.

https://eddieraysmoviereviews.wordpress.com/2015/05/25/mad-max-fury-road-or-mad-max-what-the-fuck-just-happened-yes-my-fuckin-review/

2. “It Follows– This is best horror movie in years. The characters are amazing and the score is mind-blowing!

https://eddieraysmoviereviews.wordpress.com/2015/04/13/it-follows-or-you-better-fuck-and-run-my-fuckin-review/

3.  “Tangerine– The most real shit I have seen about Christmas I have seen ever.

https://eddieraysmoviereviews.wordpress.com/2015/08/03/tangerine-or-amazing-hookers-on-christmas-eve-my-fucking-review/

4. “Krampus– YES! I love horror and Christmas mixed together. This is movie fun and is a new holiday classic.

https://eddieraysmoviereviews.wordpress.com/2015/12/09/krampus-or-a-merry-horror-heart-warming-christmas-my-fuckin-review/

5.“Straight Outta Compton– The music and the acting are the best, but seeing their story for the first time laid out was the most interesting story this year.

https://eddieraysmoviereviews.wordpress.com/2015/09/02/straight-outta-compton-or-the-streets-are-rough-but-they-do-have-a-great-beat-to-dance-to-my-fuck-review/

6. “The Hateful Eight– Characters are the most important part of any film. These characters are fun, horrible and interesting. It’s like John Carpenter’s The Thing all over again. I loved it.

https://eddieraysmoviereviews.wordpress.com/2016/01/08/the-hateful-eight-or-quentin-tarantinos-the-thing-my-fuckin-review/

7. “Star Wars: The Force Awakens– Fun, exciting and cool characters. It was the year of Star Wars. Again.

https://eddieraysmoviereviews.wordpress.com/2015/12/26/star-wars-the-force-awakens-or-spoiler-alert-it-was-a-blast-you-wookie-bitch-my-fuckin-review/

8. “Creed– They deserve Oscars. This story is sad an emotional and everyone in this movie sells the shit out of it.

https://eddieraysmoviereviews.wordpress.com/2015/12/07/creed-or-rocky-7-and-still-great-my-fuckin-review/

9. “Kingsman: The Secret Service– I was surprised at how much I loved this movie. It was a lot of fun and violent as hell.

https://eddieraysmoviereviews.wordpress.com/2015/03/06/kingsman-the-secret-service-or-a-chav-james-bond-my-fuckin-review/

10.  “Goodnight Mommy– A creepy and moody film that will stick with you.

https://eddieraysmoviereviews.wordpress.com/2015/12/16/goodnight-mommy-or-dont-mistreat-your-twins-or-they-will-mistreat-your-ass-my-fuckin-review/

10. “The Visit– I love a good creepy ass tale with pervy shit mixed in and an Unsolved Mysteries feel. I love the ending too.

https://eddieraysmoviereviews.wordpress.com/2015/09/11/the-visit-or-old-folks-are-creepy-as-fuck-my-fuckin-review/

BONUS: Movies that were fun to watch and were runners up to my top 10 list.

1. “The Nightmare– It’s real and it’s scary!

2.  “Me and Earl and the Dying Girl– Sad but real, and not cheesy or fake.

3. The Revenant– A sad revenge tale about father and son.

4. “Chappie– A ghetto Short Circuit. I am in.

https://eddieraysmoviereviews.wordpress.com/2015/03/13/chappie-or-the-band-die-antwoord-raises-a-robot-my-fuckin-review/

5. “The Danish Girl– The movie is based on a novel, which is a fictionalized account of the life of Einar Wegener/Lili Elbe. It’s a story about the first person to undergo sex reassignment surgery. I love that it’s about fighting to be yourself no matter who that is and the outcome.

6.“The Final Girls– A fun take on the slasher horror genre with heart.

https://eddieraysmoviereviews.wordpress.com/2015/11/18/final-girls-or-for-the-love-of-slasher-movies-my-fuckin-review/

7. “ Ex Machina– A robot girl wants to be real and will kill you to do. I am interested.

8.”The Wolfpack“- It’s a documentary about these brothers nicknamed the wolfpack. They were basically locked up their whole lives in an apartment on lower East Side of Manhattan. Living out their lives through movies.

9. “Insidious: Chapter 3– I jumped twice and that is a lot for me. I love all these Insidious movies.

https://eddieraysmoviereviews.wordpress.com/2015/06/05/insidious-chapter-3-or-you-got-that-swamp-foot-demon-in-your-crib-my-fuckin-review/

10. “Maze Runner: The Scorch Trials– A group on the run in a post-apocalyptic world. These movies are fun than I thought they would be.

https://eddieraysmoviereviews.wordpress.com/2016/01/08/maze-runner-the-scorch-trials-or-get-outta-the-scorch-bitch-my-fuck-review/

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