“Insidious: The Last Key” or “Beep Beep, Who Got The Keys To The Jeep? A GHOST BITCH!” – my fucking review

Here is my review for “Insidious: The Last Key“. Elise Rainier is back and she has to deal with more ghosts and her family this time! This is the 4th Insidious movie but it’s another prequel, so that way we can still have Elise as the main character. She died in the first Insidious movie. She has literally been in all 4 movies, but honestly we love her and want her in them. Okay this time she has to deal with shit from her childhood and growing up. Things her and her brother witnessed and now as an adult she is back at their childhood home fucking shit up with her newly found nieces. Specs and Tucker are back and there are a bunch of ghosts and a few twists here and there too. In the end she tells a ghost to fuck off and learns that family is important. We also see everything come full circle and connect to Insidious part 1. I love that.

Okay so this movie is fun and I love Elise aka Lin Shaye she is amazing in these films and we have always loved her in anything. It’s just cool that she is 74 years old and the star of a huge horror movie franchise. I would buy an Elise doll. These movies really are like walking through a haunted house attraction and the ghosts jump out at you. You will be jumping and screaming watching it for sure. Is it super scary? No, but it is fun and spooky and if you love the Insidious movies it’s fun to see all 4 of them connect. Joseph Bishara composed the score to this one and all the Insidious films, so they sound/feel the same. If you watch all 4 films together it’s a fun long ride. Haha That being said I think I like part 1, then 2, then 4, then 3. In that order. So if you love the world of Insidious and ghosts and shit you will probably like this movie. I dug it and it was fun. 

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Lin Shaye is a horror hero. She is 74 and still giving it to you! We love you.

Lin was in A Nightmare on Elm Street  and

New Nightmare

B. Joseph Bishara Composed the score again and it was scary and he is great for these films.

C. Where is the key!

D. Leigh Whannell and Angus Sampson are great and back as Specs and Tucker. 

E. Ummmm Where was she? I never saw her but she is in the trailer.

 

F. Directed by Adam Robitel (The Taking of Deborah Logan). This pic came up when I was looking for a pic of him. They said he is an up and coming LGBT director. 

 

G. That’s a lot of keys.

“The Shape of Water” or “Yes, He Has A Green Dick” my fuckin review

Here is my review for “The Shape of Water “. Okay so this movie starts off in the 1950’s with a lady named Elisa who is mute. She is single janitor and works in a top-secret government research base.  She is lonely as fuck and except for a gay neighbor and best friend Octavia Spencer, who is also a Janitor. One day at the base a water monster/ocean demon/creature from the black lagoon shows up to be experimented on by an evil Michael Shannon. He is mean to the creature and kicks it and shit. Meanwhile Elisa plays hit songs from the 50’s for it and give it eggs. Later Michael Shannon is like fuck this beast and the Govt. is too, so Elisa tries to help it. In the end Elisa falls in love with the water demon and then she end up banging it and flooding her apartment and her basement. We all learn that love goes beyond looks and species etc. 

Okay so this movie is a lot of fun and real cute. The water creature/god looks real as hell and you will love his skinny ass too. Sally Hawkins is great in the film and I do love the use of sign language too in the film. I liked Michael Shannon as an actor but he plays a bad guy a lot and it’s the same game. I mean yeah he makes a good bad guy and he is bad in this, etc. I love Octavia Spencer in anything but she feels ripped off in this. Like we have seen her play this part before. Give her something else she is amazing. She can do anything! Meanwhile the creature aka Doug Jones was so real and graceful and beautiful. They do describe his dick haha you don’t see it, even though everyone in the movie and world is wondering. Don’t lie asshole you are too. I mean they sleep together and you see Sally Hawkins  fully nude from head to toe, and she is even masturbating. They could have at least shown a green rubber ding-dong. Oh is that too much? Shut the fuck up. You see that Sally  for ass to elbow and you can’t show a green thing ding. Double standard shit. She can bare all and the male is covered up again in movies. Even when he is a goddamn monster or whatever. Anyway it’s a cute film about how people who are different can stick together and the 50’s were a real drag. Go check it out. If you love The Creature from the Black Lagoon and horror movies you will love this movie too.   

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Yes they had sex. Who wouldn’t have. Would you touch a green ding dong?

B. Guillermo del Toro (MimicBlade IIHellboyPan’s LabyrinthPacific Rim) made this film. Honestly this film is his best movie. His other stuff is okay.

C. He is trying to get a look at dat ass. Doug Jones played the Aqua dude. 


He also played Abe Sapien in Hellboy

He also plays Saru in Star Trek: Discovery

D. Sally Hawkins was great in this. She gave it to you, and to the water demon/god.

E. It was composed by Alexandre Desplat. (Moonrise KingdomThe Grand Budapest HotelGodzillaRise of the Guardians). It was cute.

A sample:

F. Basically Guillermo del Toro wanted to do a movie where the Creature from the Black Lagoon fell in love with and girl and then you see her boobies. Sorry kiddies. That’s what I think. He was a horror teen and he saw that movie and loved the creature and loved the girl. The End.

G. There has been talk about a short film looking like or ripping off the Shape of Water coming out in 2015. Here is a link to some info about it.  Guillermo del Toro says he just watched the short film the other day.

http://hollywood-elsewhere.com/2017/12/nothing-here-but-i-asked/

https://io9.gizmodo.com/the-shape-of-water-novel-does-much-much-more-than-adap-1820895586

http://www.indiewire.com/2018/01/the-shape-of-water-the-space-between-us-1201920378/

G. This poster is real pretty.

 

“I, Tonya” or “A Real American Hero” my fuckin review

Here is my review for “I, Tonya“. I heard there was a lot of cursing in this movie so I was excited to see this jam. Okay so this is the story of the Ice Skater Tonya Harding. Basically it’s her growing up white trash and poor, but loving to ice skate and getting beat by her mother. Then getting married and getting beat by her husband. All while training for the Olympics and trying to win at Ice Skating. People hate her because she was white trash and vulgar and had to make her own costumes. Also because she picked rock songs to skate to. Then one day her dumb ass body-guard and husband hired some dudes to go hit Nancy Kerrigan in the leg with a pipe. She didn’t know shit about it and it ruined her life and Ice Skating career. It really is fucked up! In the end dreams can’t come true.

Okay so this movie is really entertaining and I honestly learned a lot about Tonya. Her life was hard and she got ripped the fuck off. The dialogue is real and funny and fucked up. The script is the one thing that made sense in 2017. Margot Robbie plays Tonya and she was great. She sold the shit out of it and her costumes were amazing too. Even  Sebastian Stan was great as her abusive dumb ass husband. Allison Janney plays her mother and was incredible. She is an dickhead, but you love to hate her ass, or just love her. Whatever. Meanwhile Tonya is really the true story of an American Hero. She was beaten down and should and could have won all the shit, but people fucked her dream up. You really will be entertained watching this movie and you will laugh and be sad all at the same time. Go check it out. Filmed in Atlanta!!!! Tonya we are sorry we were all dicks to you!

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Margot Robbie played Tonya Harding and she was great!  Look at her!

B. Directed by Craig Gillespie (Fright Night 2011, United States of TaraKid Cudi: No One Believes Me (Video short)) and filmed in Atlanta! 

C. Allison Janney played Tonya’s mom. She was fucking great! Her lines were amazing. 

D. Sebastian Stan played Jeff Gillooly I forgot it was him. He was that good.

E. OMG the real Tonya and Nancy!

Here is the video of Nancy Kerrigan crying.

F. Here is the real Tonya skating to the Music: Batman soundtrack by Danny Elfman, Send in the Clowns by Sondheim, Wild Thing by Tone Loc. HAHAHAHA I am amazed. She does the triple Axel.

G. They played this song in the movie. YES!

H. They filmed at the GOLDEN BUDDHA here in Atlanta.

I. Sufjan Stevens wrote this song for the movie but it was not used. You may recognize his work from other films like “Call Me By Your Name” or just in life. He is amazing.

J. YES!

“Blade Runner 2049” or “The Future is Long but Pretty!” – My fuckin review

Here is my review for “Blade Runner 2049“. Let me first start off by saying I am not a big fan of the 1982 film “Blade Runner“, but I was excited to see the new one.

Okay this time it’s the future again. It’s 2049 and the world sucks. There are humans that look like robots running around. Ryan Gosling plays a police officer named “K”. His job is to track down old ass robots who have gone into hiding, who basically should have died in part 1. In the film’s opening, K tracks down a farmer bot living in a shit hole. What he finds there will start his journey to figure out his own past and what it means to be a human. He has sex with his hologram girlfriend and then Harrison Ford shows up. Humans and I am right.

Okay so this movie is visually amazing. Your brain will explode. The sets are nuts, the costumes are nuts, the landscapes/cities are nuts. You will be dizzy and sucked in and the sucked off. The music will make your ears melt. Honestly even Ryan Gosling’s character will pull you in fast. Something about him in this movie interests you. You want to see where the fuck he is going and who he is. What makes a human, human in the future. Shit what makes you a human. Are you human at all? There is a beautiful sadness to it all and to Ryan’s characters. Is the movie long? Fuck yes, but I really didn’t mind it because there is so much to see and hear, and even feel at times. Plus Ryan and the cast kept me interested. You really are living it with them. I know the film didn’t really do well at the box office, because it’s for a sequel for a film that was made in 1982, but I am glad it’s not a reboot or whatever. I am glad it’s a part 2, with not all the questions answered. Leave me with confusion and sadness. The director Denis Villeneuve (Arrivalknows how to tell a Science Fiction story and how to make it believable and interesting. I mean it’s based on characters by Philip K. Dick so you know, but I am glad Ridley Scott didn’t direct it. I feel like his vision for fresh and interested Science Fiction died in the 80’s. This last Alien films have been shit and this would have been a mess. Meanwhile you should see this in the theater big and loud and proud. It will make a difference. 

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Ryan Gosling is interesting in anything. He is great in this film and we buy what this bitch is selling. Rob Sadness or some shit.

B. The score is really the main character in this film. Composed by Benjamin Wallfisch (ItAnnabelle: Creation) and Hans Zimmer (The Dark Knight RisesInception). It’s amazing, even though there was some drama on who they decided to go with for the composer.

http://collider.com/blade-runner-2049-composer-replacement-explained-johann-johannsson/

C. You are mesmerized with the look of this whole film and just stare at it.


D. Directed by Denis Villeneuve  (Arrivalhe knows how to tell and interesting Science Fiction story with cool characters and amazing dialogue.

E. Jared Leto sometimes we don’t know what to think of your weird ass, but you fit it in here.

F. Harrison Ford  shows up in this and you know honestly he doesn’t really show up until towards the end and he throws the movie off for me. It took me kind of out of it. You just get used to him not being in it and then all of a sudden there he is. Like oh yeah Harrison Ford.

G. How is back? WTF! Sean Young! Technology is amazing! 

I loved Mackenzie Davis.

H. Cute poster. Blah

 

“Lady Bird” or “Mothers and Daughters Fight A Lot” my fuckin review

Here is my review for “Lady Bird“. It’s like 2002 in Sacramento, California! She is a girl from the wrong side of the tracks! Get ready for Lady Bird! Lady Bird is a high school girl stuck in a Catholic school and she wants out. Outta that school and town and away from her bitchy mom. She has a best friend played Beanie Feldstein that makes life bearable and she has a first and second romance her senior year there. Neither really work out but she learns a lot from them. It’s really the story of a daughter VS. a mother, and how they love/hate each other. Is this true of all mothers and daughters? They acted like my mom and sister! In the end will Lady Bird learn to appreciate her overbearing my mom? Will her mom learn to love her free-spirited daughter? Will Lady Bird get out of Sacramento? Does anyone? You will have to see it to find out! 

Okay so this really was a well made and funny film. You will grow to love Lady Bird fast in this movie. Saoirse Ronan is believable, witty and truly funny. Her mother is played by Laurie Metcalf and she is comedy gold. Yes, she is crazy and controlling, but also caring and loving. It’s real! Beanie Feldstein is Lady Bird’s best friend and she was in Neighbors 2. She is amazing in both films. I can’t wait to see her in more films also. It was directed by Greta Gerwig and she gave it to you. Keeping shit real, funny and smart the entire film. You loved every character and wanted to see Lady Bird get out of this shit town. At times you feel like it’s and indie drama and the next minute it’s like a big Hollywood movie. I can’t wait to see Greta’s next movie if it’s as fun and interesting as this one. This one is a must see and you will like it for sure. I hope they make “LADY BIRD 2- The College Years 2004”.  Saoirse Ronan is a star. Greta is the real deal!

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Saoirse Ronan is great in this movie and she has been great in other movies that you forgot she was in! HannaThe Grand Budapest HotelBrooklyn

She also looks like she could be in a teen X-MEN show too. Look at this other girl on a Fox X-Men show.  It’s not her but see what I mean.

B. Laurie Metcalf is comedy gold.

She was the killer in Scream 2 also. DEBBIE SALT! I know Roseanne too.

C. Directed by Greta Gerwig (Nights and Weekends) but she acted in China, ILThe House of the DevilThe Mindy Project

D. Beanie Feldstein was great in this movie and in . She also Jonah Hill sister. 

E. They played this song in it. Love this!

F. Timothée Chalamet is great in this movie. He is also in “Call Me by Your Name“. He is in 2 huge films this year.

G. Lucas Hedges (Manchester by the Sea) and John Karna (MTV Scream) are making out in the boys bathroom in this movie.

H. This poster is great.

The Best Films of 2017! Just my fuckin Opinion! CHILL OUT!

Here is a list of my top films of 2017 that I loved and the reviews for each one underneath. You may agree or disagree. Who cares make your own or let me know one I may have missed and I will watch that shit and add it to the list. There are links to my movie reviews after each title listed. It was a great year for movies and there were so many more movies that were great that didn’t make the list. They say when the real world is shit then art is great.

  1. Call Me by Your Name– I have been thinking about this movie for days. A lot longer than any other film this year. Something about stays with you. The acting, the dialogue or maybe the music.  Maybe it was the truth and sadness of it all. I am not even into love stories but this stuck with me. So it wins.

Click here to read my review!

2. Get Out– A horror movie that is truly scary as fuck, but also says a million things about the world you live in. A brilliant film that will be remembered for years to come.

Click here to read my review!

3. The Florida Project– I loved this movie because it was funny and sad as hell. It felt real and I loved the characters.

Click here to read my review!

4.  The Disaster Artist– I loved this story about 2 best friends making a movie that nobody liked.

Click here to read my review!

5. Wonder Woman– It’s about a Wonder Woman! They gave it to you on a lot of levels. I thought she was believable and sincere.

Click here to read my review!

6.  The Babysitter– I really loved this movie and watched it 3 times. It was a lot of fun to watch and I loved the characters. Make a part 2 I am in bitch!

Click here to read my review!

7.  Baby Driver– Something about Ansel sucks you in, and the driving and the music was beyond fun to me. Plus hello Atlanta.

Click here to read my review!

8. Happy Death Day– Happy horror movies, this new trend in horror is weird but I like it. It was the feel good movie of the year. I loved watching this movie.

Click here to read my review!

9. Star Wars: The Last Jedi– I loved it because it was subversive as fuck. Then days later fans hated it and critics loved it. WTF! I watched it again, then realized I loved it more. Film is supposed to shock and surprise you. This movie did that.

Click here to read my review!

10.  It– Those kids sold this movie and made it fun and scary and you are excited to see part 2!

Click here to read my review!

BONUS: Movies that were fun to watch and were runners-up to my top 10 list.

1. Lady Bird– Mothers and daughters hate each other but that’s funny and emotional. Haha this movie is great.

Click here to read my review!

2. I, Tonya– Dialogue I can understand for a change. Also a story about a true American hero that everyone shit on.

Click here to read my review!

3. The Shape of Water-The love story we were waiting on. Someone slept with the Creature from the Black Lagoon! A beautiful love story about who are the real monsters in this world.

Click here to read my review!

4. Blade Runner 2049– I am not a huge fan of Blade Runner, but you are sucked into this movie and you just stare at everything and are lost in it. The music is incredible also.

Click here to read my review!

5. Atomic Blonde– Charlize can do no wrong. She is amazing in this movie and the fight scenes will make you go blind.

Click here to read my review!

6. Better Watch Out – At first I was rolling my eyes in this movie then things flipped and I screamed out loud! I love this mean ass movie!

Click here to read my review!

7. Beach Rats-This beautifully shot movie about a gay man who doesn’t believe he is gay is as real as shit gets.

Click here to read my review!

8. Girls Trip– The funniest movie of the year. You will laugh until you throw up.

Click here to read my review!

9.  The LEGO Batman Movie-The Lego movies have better dialogue than most live action movies. If you love Batman you will love this movie. I did.

Click here to read my review!

10. Coco-Coco was sad as fuck, but honest too. Even kids wanted to die in 2017.

Click here to read my review!