Here is my review for “Fifty Shades of Grey“. Okay so the film starts of with a girl named Anastasia Steele. Haha let’s just stop right here. Her fuckin name is Anastasia Steele. This is the shittiest character name I have heard in a long time. It’s sound like a made up author’s name in the 70’s that was trying to hide the fact that she wrote erotic novels with fairies. Haha Anastasia Steele, get fuckin real. Meanwhile Anastasia Steele goes to interview this hot rich android named Christian. He is emotionless and I think owns a company that makes robots. Anastasia Steele comes tripping through the door when she meets him and this is what causes Christian-bot to want to bang her. Her falling down is a turn on? HAHA. The next day Christian-bot stalks her at her job, and he buys rope and duct tape for sex there. Then it gets scary! He starts to control her and she can’t drink anymore or go out to clubs or dress better. Christian-bot is like “Anastasia Steele you stay home and don’t drink you are mine!”. Wait a goddamn minute, this is like a horror movie on the Lifetime Network now. Do ladies want to be stalked and controlled? What the fuck is happening???? I’m confused and scared. Now Christian-bot is like you gotta sign this contract Anastasia Steele, so that he can beat the shit out of her nude. She has never heard of this kind of sex before, so she looks up Dominant and Submissive shit and gets scared. Later Christian-bot finds out that Anastasia Steele is a virgin. This turned him on more. Remember here are the things that have turned him on so far.
1. She trips and falls down in front of him.
2. She wears boring and plain Jane clothing.
3. She drives a shitty car.
4. Her computer doesn’t work.
5. She is a virgin.
All these things would turn me the fuck off!!!! Meanwhile Christian-bot keeps telling her to email him about hanging out or whatever. Wait what year is this? Ummm call or text me it’s 2015! Fuckin email???? In the end they bang and she falls in love, then he is like I want to beat your ass still. So she cries and says to him do your best (worst)! So I think oh shit it’s about to get fucked up and nasty as hell. Like Yoda dildos, or fuckin donkeys, or blood orgies, etc. It turns out Christian-bots worst is literally spanking her 6 times. They counted out loud in the movie too. Six slaps with a belt across that ass. HAHAHA Ummm I’m not into spankings and shit, but that sounds like nothing to me. I was spanked worse as a child. Shit, I was doing worse shit at age 16. He got her a brand new car and computer. You can beat me all day for a new car. Okay this movie is a limp dick. Dakota Johnson is boring and not even good enough to be forgettable. Jamie Dornan is literally acting like a robot the whole movie and it gets old as fuck fast. They both act like they filmed their scenes in front of a green screen without each other there. Just talking to a green wall. That’s how empty it feels to me. “Star Wars: Episode II – Attack of the Clones” had more emotion in it. This movie really comes across like a Lifetime movie about a girl being stalked. Ladies you can’t be cool with this? This is madness to me. If a dude tries to control you then slap them in the face. This story is hokey and cheesy and laughable. So if you are looking for something to masturbate to then this is not the movie to do it to. It’s boring, silly, and creepy (and not because of the sex). The sex is weak as shit. Just go watch “Basic Instinct” and “Nymphomaniac: Vol. I” or “Showgirls“. At least you will be entertained in these movies. 50 Shades of Grey seems like someone who has never understood or been into BDSM wrote it.
A. Dakota Johnson was boring and plain jane in this movie. She was annoying and her character name is the cheesiest shit I have heard in years. Anastasia Steele! FUCK YOU!
B. E.L. James wrote the novel and he looks okay.
50 Shades of Grey started off as “Twilight” fan fiction. HAHAHAHA good god. Here is an article about it.
C. Jamie Dornan was the best android I have seen on a movie screen in years. Oh wait he is supposed to be human? HAHA oops! Also they show Anastasia Steele naked the whole movie and they never show his peen. It is a movie about sex they should be shown equally.
E. Hellaiser was made in 1997. It’s hotter than this movie.
F. Danny Elfman‘s score was boring and forgettable.
G. I will let anyone spank me 6 times a day to get a new car and computer. This movie feels rated G to me. Also if you are into BDSM good for you. You are having more fun than most people. Article about BDSM myths.
H. They should have played Madonna’s “Hanky Panky” cuz it was more sexy than this movie and that song came out in 1990.
or Madonna’s “Erotica” in 1992.
Also Madonna’s Sex book came out in 1992. Compared to this 50 Shades seems rated G.
Also these clips from the movie SHOWGIRLS make more sense than this movie and that is sad.
I. The best part in the movie was Beyonce’s songs. Whoever directed her music video should have directed this movie.
J. This poster is forgettable.