“Fantastic Four” or “Fantastic Bore/Snore” my fuckin review

Here is my review for “Fantastic Four“. OMG Everybody hated this movie! What the fuck! Okay so the movie starts off and Reed and Ben are kids. Reed is smart and Ben is dumb. They become best friends when he makes a teleporter or some shit. Cut to the High School Science fair and they have entered the teleporter but still getting no respect. The teachers hate them for some reason. Sue Storm shows up with her African-American father and they hire him to come work on a bigger version of the teleporter that they have already made. Ben can’t come cuz he is dumb. Later Johnny Storm shows up and he is a trouble maker but can build shit. Then Doctor Doom shows up and he is emo as fuck. Now the movie drags on and on and on. FUCK, they finally get the machine to work so they all decide to go to another planet/dimension, but instead of inviting Sue they call Ben, who is still dumb. He even has to drive an hour to get there. Sue is left behind and Reed, Doom, Johnny and Ben all go to some another world and step in green space shit and bring it back to Earth. Sue gets ass blasted by it and Dr. Doom is left behind in it to die. Now we have to deal with these 4 bitches depressed about it for the next hour. Literally having their powers looks fuckin horrifying. I would not want them after watching them suffer so badly, and neither would the kids in the audience. So much for going home and buying those toys bitch. Meanwhile we are all bored. Later they build the machine again to go back to the other planet. This whole goddamn movie is about building and rebuilding a fuckin machine. How about using these powers in cool ass ways mother fuckers. Anyway they get back to the planet and Dr. Doom is not dead and they bring his ass back to Earth and he starts killing everyone, then he is like “I want to go back to the other planet”. Bitch go! They try to stop him for some reason. Haha ummmmm okay. So they follow him back and they finally use their powers in a big ass fight scene that is super fast and makes no sense. The end. Is this movie shit? No. Everyone acts like it is the worst movie ever made, and it’s not. It’s just fuckin boring as hell. I even like the actors they chose. They just aren’t given anything to do but work on a fuckin machine the whole movie. It’s sad really. You will just wish for something fun or exciting to happen, but it doesn’t. There is no magic or wonder at all. Just boredom and sadness. It’s like they said don’t make it as dumb and cheesy as the last 2 movies about the Fantastic Four. So they stayed away from the comedy and the laughter all together and made it sad as fuck. People act like this is the worst movie of the fuckin year. I mean it’s not good but it ain’t complete shit either. Wait for Netflix and don’t watch if you are dealing with a friend’s death, or a break up, or your dog just died. So if you love the Fantastic Four, Nude rock dudes, depressed people, sadness, boredom, building machines, and other planets then this movie is for you. It’s just sad and boring.

The Trailer:

The Facts Bitch:

A. The Thing’s dick was literally hanging out the entire time. I was horrified.

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More nudes!

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B. I guess nobody wants to see a depressing superhero movie.

C. Honestly maybe there is no way to not make this shit not look cheesy. This Fantastic Four in (2005) was terrible and way worse.

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D. Miles TellerKate MaraMichael B. Jordan, and Jamie Bell are all fun actors, but their characters had no witty lines and nowhere to go. 

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E. I wish they wore these outfits holy shit.

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F. The director is Josh Trank. He directed Chronicle, which is amazing. I think there were too many cooks in the kitchen and somebody was bitching about the salt and pepper. They are all talking shit now. Who knows. He was fired from doing a new Star Wars movie though. I feel sad for him really. Here is a pic of him being pushed down by a Producer.

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G. I feel like everyone jumped on some weird hate band wagon. There were worse movie this year. Haha

H. The poster. I mean Whatever.

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“Mission: Impossible – Rogue Nation” or “Tom Cruise is a Spy Again” my fuckin review

Here is my review for “Mission: Impossible – Rogue Nation“. Okay the movie starts off with Tom Cruise and he is a spy again. Now Tom Cruise is hanging off a plane. Then Tom Cruise is shooting people and goes Rogue. Later Tom Cruise is chasing spies. Meanwhile Tom Cruise has a car chase scene. Now Tom Cruise has figured out there is ANTI- IMF team. Then Tom Cruise meets a girl. Later Tom Cruise hangs out with Jeremy RennerSimon Pegg, and Ving Rhames. In the end Tom Cruise gets crazy and kills some spies and hugs Alec Baldwin. Okay so this is part 5 of the Mission Impossible film series. I really loved the TV series for Mission: Impossible. Both the 1960’s and 1980’s ones. All the films literally just feel like the same movies over and over again. Are they bad films? No, but are they memorable? No. They seem like one long ass movie. Except Mission: Impossible III I did love that one, but it was directed by J.J. Abrams and it really felt like a different story with characters and ideas and emotions. The rest of the films are generic and we were just waiting to see what Tom Cruise’s hair looks like blowing in the wind. I mean yeah he really hung off a plane while it was flying. Okay. You did it. We are proud of you? Thank Scientology you survived. Anyway I love spy movies so I keep going back but then I wonder why my ass goes half way through the movie. I guess I’m a goddamn dummy. Anyway skip this movie and just watch part 3 again. This Rogue Nation is not a bad film, but so what who cares, we have seen all this shit before. Tom Cruise is alway Tom Cruise. I never know who the fuck he is playing in his films. So if you love Tom Cruise then see this movie and you will probably love this movie if not then skip it. Wait for the next James Bond movie. 

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. They stop numbering these Mission Impossible movies so you will forget that they are on number 5. They did the same shit with the “The Land Before Time” movies. There are like 13 of those fuckin movies.

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B. You can’t beat Peter Graves. Ever! He looks younger than Tom.

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C. Here is Tom Cruise talking about his stunt hanging off the plane.

D. Ving Rhames is the real star of these movies and he should be the main character.

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E. The original theme by Lalo Schifrin. He is amazing.

1966 Opening. THE BOMB.

1988 Opening. Meow!

F. Tom hold on. Why is everything “Rogue” now. Shut the fuck up.

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G. Tom’s boobs in the movie.

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H. Can you imagine hanging this bullshit on your wall. It would look better with Rogue from X-Men on it. Rogue Cut.

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“Ant-Man” or “Honey I Shrunk Paul Rudd’s Dick” My fuckin review

Here is my review for “Ant-Man“. Okay so here is another Marvel movie. There are a shitload now and they all connect, so good luck. Okay this film starts off with Paul Rudd in jail because he is criminal, but a good criminal. He is best friends with Michael Peña who is a funny criminal. They are trying to go on the straight and narrow but Michael Douglas shows up and he is scientist who can shrink shit. Michael hires or blackmails Paul Rudd to become Ant-Man, a new superhero who can shrink down to the size of an ant and also has super strength like an ant. He can also talk to ants. I don’t care to ever talk to ants. Michael Douglas’s daughter is Kate from the TV show’s Lost and she wants to be Ant Girl, but it’s too soon for all that shit. Now there is a bad Scientist on the loose named WASP who can also shrink too. So Ant-Man has to go shut that shit down. There is a lot of flying around on ants and falling down drain pipes, etc. In the end Thomas the train shows up to shut it all the fuck down. Okay I enjoyed this film. It was fun and in a weird way quiet. Quiet compared to most the Marvel movies that are like 2 hours of buildings and robots smashing the fuck out of each other. This one is more laid back and more approachable, like an interesting date. Will you fall in love with this date? No, but you will have a good time. They won’t put out, but you will get a blow job. Paul Rudd is always fun, entertaining and seems like your best friend, brother, boyfriend, etc. You love him in anything cuz he is real. When his ass shrinks and he is riding ants it’s cool because you have never seen that shit before. Well maybe in “”. It was in 3D so you felt like you were on the back of those bitches flying through the city. There was even a fight scene inside a brief case. You don’t see that shit ever. Michael Peña plays well off of Paul Rudd and they make a good comedy duo and I hope he becomes the Bee Daddy or some shit in part 2. Kate’s, from TV show’s Lost,  hair was terrible and I thought it was supposed to be a joke that would be revealed later. It did not. The joke was on me when I threw up. So if you love Marvel, Heist films, Paul Rudd, Ants, Small shit, bad hair cuts from 1996, and Michael D. then this is for you. I had fun watching it. Check it out. You will probably like it too.

The Trailer:

The Facts Bitch:

A. Paul Rudd was great and fun-loving as always as Ant-bitch.

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His best role was in “Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers” as Tommy Doyle

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B. I don’t know if ants are cute. I would step on them.

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C. The best part was is when Michael Douglas‘s wife shows up and it’s Sharon Stone. WOW! #TBT

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D. Directed by Peyton Reed (Back to the Future -TV Series, The Weird Al Show – TV Series, Bring It OnNew Girl -TV Series). I guess you can make it.

E. Evangeline Lilly was in this and I literally didn’t know this was her/Kate from the TV show Lost until the end of the movie. Also her hair was terrible. I would have wished ants to take away that 1996 Drew Barrymore wig from the movie Scream off her head and kill that shit.

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F. The music was composed by Christophe Beck (Buffy the Vampire SlayerAngelBring It OnLet’s Be Cops). Take a listen to the main theme. I like it because it sounds like a heist/mystery movie instead of a superhero movie. Usually Marvel score is pretty generic. So this is cute.

G. More Judy Greer aka FERN FUCKIN MAYO!

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H. Michael Peña is funny and he should have been in it more and a superhero. 

I. The best thing about this movie was how the Digital Assets were managed by Max Fisher. Here he is at Jurassic Park.

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J. Thomas the Tank/ Train was in this. He was hot as fuck.

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K. I love the posters for this movie. I don’t know which ones are real.

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“Tangerine” or “Amazing Hookers On Christmas Eve”- my fucking review

Here is my review for “Tangerine“. Okay the movie starts off with 2 transgender hookers (Sin-Dee and Alexandra) trying to make their way in a fucked up world. Sometimes that means you gotta trick. Sin-Dee has recently gotten out of jail and is looking for her boyfriend Chester. He is also a pimp. Alexandra tells her that Chester has been cheating on her with some bitch named Dinah. Now the adventure begins because Sin-Dee is out to find Dinah and whip her ass. Meanwhile Alexandra is just trying to get people to come hear her sing at a bar on X-Mas Eve. Too real. There is an Armenian cab driver also who has a crush on Sin-Dee and picks up crazy ass passengers. Some he wants to give a Blow Job too. There is a scene going through a car wash that is amazing. In the end the shit hits the fan but also has a heartwarming Christmas message. Okay I loved this movie and you need to see it. Yes, it’s funny and trashy. This movie feels real and it’s Not Safe for Work or boring ass people. Honestly the dialogue in this movie makes more sense to me than any other movie I have seen this year. The characters are fun, likable and memorable. The music is great and when Alexandra sings “Toyland” at first you laugh, but then by the time she is done you feel sad for her. I think I loved it because I relate to over-the-top characters like these in films the most, but by the end you realize they are honest and just like everyone else. They really do care about each other in the harsh ass world they live in. The last scene between Sin-Dee and Alexandra is amazing and NOT cheesy or forced at all but so real, and shows the love they have for each other as friends. Unlike the Pimp Chester and Hoe Dinah. So if you love fun, over-the-top, real, interesting, vulgar, and lovable characters in a movie then this is the movie for you. There is a John Waters and Harmony Korine feel to it. So if you like their work you will like this movie as well. It was for me and I felt happy after watching it. It is one of the most honest Christmas stories I have ever seen. I will buy this movie the day it comes out. You should watch with the kids on Christmas Day.

 

The Trailer:

The Fuckin Facts:

A. The dialogue for this movie is the best I have seen this year. It’s real, honest, and funny. I literally said “True” through the whole movie. They never shy away from being vulgar and real about sex, drugs, discrimination, and violence. That’s what makes it so honest for me.

B. Kitana Kiki Rodriguez and May Taylor are amazing as Alexandra and Sin-Dee. I hope they make sequels with these characters. Best Friends forever. 

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C. This film was directed by Sean Baker (StarletPrince of BroadwayTake Out). I am interested in seeing his other films.

D. This film was shot exclusively on 3 iPhone 5s smartphones, along with the Moondog Labs’ anamorphic clip on lens and a $8 app, FiLMiC Pro in addition to Steadicam Smoothee Mounts. WTF! THAT is crazy, but shows if characters are interesting they can be filmed on duct tape and it will still be fun.

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E. Clu Gulager is in this movie riding in cab. I love him and he was in The Return of the Living Dead and A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge

I meet him once. Here is what he wrote “Goddamn it”

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F. I mean look at these screen shots of Sin-Dee grabbing another hoe by the hair! I was dizzy.

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G. I made 3 films a few years ago about Hookers on Christmas and what they had to deal with. It is NSFW also. Haha

H. This soundtrack was hot!  Get it here! The Christmas song “Toyland” was my favorite.

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I. I like this poster.

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“The Gallows” or “Don’t Stay After School With 4 Annoying White Kids”- my fuckin review.

Here is my review for “The Gallows“. Okay I was exciting to see this movie even though it’s another found footage horror film. Honestly found footage films these days aren’t as shaky or poor quality as they used to be because everyone has nice ass cameras. Now they just look like normal films, except that the actors will talk to the camera aka your dumb ass. Anyway the story starts off in 1993 with this High School kid named Charlie. He is acting in the school play and gets hung on stage by accident on these fake ass gallows. Now his dick haunts the school. Cut to the future (today) and there is an annoying dick head jock named Ryan filming everything. Everything he says is useless. Ryan’s jock buddy named Reese is now acting in the same play that Charlie was in, because he has the hots for some dumb girl named Pfeifer Brown. The problem is Reese can’t act (on stage and real life) because he sucks at it, so he and Ryan the douche bag cameraman and his girlfriend Cassie decide to break into the school at night to fuck the set up, so that he won’t have to act in the play the next day. The ding-dong of his dreams won’t know he sucks at acting and will still like him the next day. WOMP WOMP they run into Pfeifer in the school and now all 4 start bitching and fighting until they realize Charlie the ghost/demon has locked all the doors and they seem to can’t find a window to break. All 4 literally do everything wrong to survive or to get out of the school. Okay so was it scary? Yes, you will be scared watching it. It’s like walking through a Halloween haunted house with shit jumping out at you, but like a haunted house there is no story most the time and the acting is bootleg. So yes you will jump, and then when the white kids start talking again you will want Charlie to hang your ass too. Once again the monster is only half of your horror film. The other half is the human/teen cast. If they suck then the movie will derail because you hate them all and you will side with the killer. Then once you side with killer you are not scared anymore. The script is weak, the dialogue is cheesy and the teens do the dumbest shit ever. Audiences are smart, teens are smart  and I am smart. We want people in horror movies to do smart things. They exist and I own them and love Horror movies. Kathie Lee Gifford’s daughter Cassie is in this and if I was Kathie Lee I would beat Cassie’s ass, then if I was the daughter Cassie I would beat Kathie’s ass cuz she sucks too. Meanwhile if you want to see something scary on a Netflix spooky night you will jump at this, but in the end you will hate the cast.  Wait till it’s free on Netflix and watch with Middle Schoolers so that they will be scared to go to High School and hang with shit bombs like in this movie.

The Trailer:

The Fuckin Facts:

A. If you are trapped in a High School at night, just bust out a window. I will literally tear through a wooden door or wall to get out.

B. Cassidy Gifford was dumb and useless. When I looked her up I realized she is fuckin Kathie Lee Gifford‘s daughter. I just threw up.

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I clapped and laughed when this happened to her. tumblr_inline_nrhfefluyd1tt37oi_540

C. Yes you will jump and it’s scary, but scary ain’t enough. You need fun people to hang out with. Think about the teens in “A Nightmare on Elm Street” or “Halloween” they are amazing. Yes, even new films like “It Follows” has cool teens. So it can be done.

D. Pfeifer Brown and  Ryan Shoos were annoying also. 

She is forced and everything she does is dumb.

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Literally all his dialogue was horrible and annoying. He is the guy behind the camera. Die Bitch!THE GALLOWS

E. Never climb a ladder and yell at demon to come get you while you are at the top of it. He will knock you off it. The when you fall and break your legs I will laugh at your ass. You deserved it. Don’t piss off the spirit world. You are a dumb human and are weak compared to them.

F. Reese Mishler was okay but not enough. Hang yourself. At one point he gets out and goes back in for the girl. Get real! 

1. That girl should have kept up. Tough shit hunty!

2. I would not have looked back to know she was not there until I got to the police station. Oh shit girl where are you? Oh Well.

3. If a demon is on your ass, get the fuck out. You can’t save anyone bitch.

4. Don’t go to High School at night for many reasons.

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G. There is a twisty ending. Why? Haha who cares the ghost was enough. Now you give me bat shit logic ending.

H. My good friend Matt GALLO. He should have been it.

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I. Cute but I wouldn’t “hang” it on my wall.

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“Magic Mike XXL” or “Ladies and Gay Men, There Are No The Dicks In This Movie!” – my fuckin review

Here is my review for “Magic Mike XXL“. I really enjoyed the first “Magic Mike” film. It was a lot better than I thought it would be and I really dug it. Okay so this film starts off years after the first film. Channing owns a furniture making business in Tampa. It’s ghetto and just him and one employee work there. His girlfriend from the first film has dumped his ass. He reunites for a pool party with the men from the first film and they all decide that they need to go out with a bang and drive to South Carolina to a Stripper Convention. Matthew McConaughey is dead or something. Now they all pile into a Fro-Yo Food Truck and it becomes a road trip film. On the way there they have terrible dialogue about their friendship, lives, and emotions. It’s basically men saying teen girl dialogue. Think “The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants” but men are talking instead of teen girls. Maybe they thought the audience is all female so we need teen girl dialogue? If so, that is shit. They end up at a Drag Queen bar with gay dancers on stage, but somehow the audience is all female watching it. I guess girls are turned by gay men now. Then they decide to all get up on stage and do some quick voguing. I’m serious. Honestly that was one of the better parts in the movie though. Later they drive through Savannah to visit Jada Pinkett Smith, who owns a huge mansion that is a strip club also. I honestly thought vampires were going to come out to kill the boys. Jada is terrible as some sort of pimp M.C. that moves like a malfunctioning robot, but the boys need her to M.C. their last strip show. On the road again they stop off at another mansion owned by Andie MacDowell, and has other older horny women in it. PS at this point the boys have had their pants on the whole time and have not stripped or even shown the audience thong. The girls in my theater were getting pissed and restless and started yelling at the screen “Take out your Dick”. I live in Atlanta so people women don’t play here. Andy sleeps with Joe Manganiello and earlier they say his dick is so huge nobody can take it. I guess she could. All the while Channing is hitting on Amber Heard Depp. It’s sickens me to see that she is married to Johnny Depp. I believed in you Amber. Now back on the road to the Stripper Convention, where the boys strip but still have their pants on. In the end they finally take their pants off and literally it’s the last 10 seconds of the film. The camera is flying around so if you want to see something  (aka dudes in thongs) you are not going to. Well this movie is weird and the dialogue is a mess. I love Channing in it, because he has personality in shit he does, but honestly he is it. When he does dance in this movie he is great. Literally everything else is cheesy mess. If you are looking for a strip show you are not going to get it ladies. The audience was pissed when it was over and they were all yelling where is the dicks. Haha True. Don’t make a movie about strippers and don’t strip. Jada is literally the worst in this movie. It’s like WTF is happening is broken. Anyway it’s a fun watch for free at home because it is so cheesy. Wait for Netflix and go to a real strip club it will have better dialogue I bet. So if you love Channing and that’s it. Then this is the movie for you. If you are looking for DICK then go to a strip club. HAHA

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Channing Tatum is great and funny in this. He seems like a genuine bitch so I dig him in things. He can also dance for real.

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B. Gregory Jacobs directed this movie. He has only directed 2 other movies. Wind Chill and Criminal. The first Magic Mike was directed by Steven Soderbergh

C. Matt Bomer bored me in this movie and his character was a annoying. He wore this outfit the whole time and his hippie routine got old the second he talked. He also sings twice in this movie. I’m serious. It’s not that he is good or bad at it, but why? 

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D. Jeans in a stripper movie. HAHA

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E. Joe Manganiello seemed like a dummy at times. They show his ass jumping into a pool. Not in a sexual way. Just a Bro at a pool party. Think every video on Vine. Also he faked jizzed out of a water bottle- WITH PANTS ON.

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F. Jada Pinkett Smith was literally like a broken robot. Here movement was terrifying. Here character was stupid and forced. She was a waste.

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G. Honestly WTF is this? If this movie was about female strippers there would not be a stripper cast at age 55. Hollywood double standards. DO women want this?

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H. Here is the Poster. Notice he is pointing at the pants he will be wearing the entire film.

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“Terminator Genisys” or “Terminator: The Annoying Time Traveling Family Edition”- my fuckin review

Here is my review for “Terminator Genisys“. Okay let me first start off by saying I love “The Terminator” and “Terminator 2: Judgment Day“. Both these films are incredible and both are 4 out of 4 stars to me. Okay so this new film is a sequel/reboot/re-wind etc. It begins in the apocalyptic future where John Connor and Kyle Reese are together fighting terminators. The seem pretty happy and chummy with each other and the future is not as shitty as was shown to us in the first “Terminator” film. Skynet (Apple) sends the young version of the Arnold Schwarzenegger Terminator back to 1984 and Kyle Reese is also sent back, just like in the first movie. This time things are different in 1984. Now there is a liquid terminator chasing Kyle at the store where he gets the cool shoes. This new liquid Terminator is also talkative and likes to show off by cutting his own arm off and turning it into a spear to throw. He also poses a lot. Now young Arnold Terminator is out to kill punk rockers and an Old Arnold Terminator shows up to throw him around like a piece of balled up paper, CGI style. This 1984 is not your fathers 1984, it’s a new timeline or some shit. Sarah shows up and is tough (sort of) and her, Kyle, and the Old Arnold Terminator, also called “Pops” non-stop by Sarah Connor, join forces to……. Ummmm go to the future to stop a new type of iPhone from coming online called Genisys. So now the family (Pops, Kyle and Sarah) figure out how to get to the year 2017, which is the day the Genisys phone pops off. Yes, the day of. Not a year before or a month, but the fucking day they have to stop it. Meanwhile Pops doesn’t like Kyle because he is not good enough for his fake daughter Sarah. I’m serious. Also Kyle and Sarah argue non-stop, ya know like a “real” couple that fights robots. In the future they run into their son John Connor, who is now an evil robot. Confused? Yes, John is now the bad guy and evil. So the Terminator family has to kill him. Say what now? I thought the whole point of these films was to save John Connor aka Jesus, so that he could save the future? P.S. Kyle and Sarah have not banged yet, so problem solved right? Anyway the Terminator family gets arrested to the song “Bad Boys” from the TV Show “Cops”. Yes, I’m serious. Then John tells Sarah that she always had a soft spot for Elton John. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT! Now you are telling me Sarah is an Elton john fan???? I just threw up. In the end Skynet shows up as a new version of the Red Queen from “Resident Evil. He is the blue queen I guess. The Terminator family is happy and drives off into the sunset until 2 more sequels that the studio is rushing to get done before James Cameron gets the rights back to the terminator franchise in 2019.

Okay so is better than “Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines“? Yes, that movie was complete shit. Is it a good movie? No. You will have fun watching Terminators running around and bashing shit in, but that’s it really. The Terminator story is just an interesting concept. You could put those robots in a Wal-Mart for 2 hours and be entertained. I guess in the end a lot of shit doesn’t make sense and feels cheesy and forced. New Kyle Reese (Jai Courtney) is honestly a muscle-bound ape, and he just comes across big and dumb. The future he comes from is shiny robots, pretty lasers and him talking about building a house and getting a beer. Say what? The Michael Biehn version of Kyle Reese from the first Terminator came from a future where everyone was starving, not sleeping, dying, crying, radiation from fallout, not having sex, not drinking beer, and a fuckin nightmare. Michael Biehn‘s Kyle was skinny, scared, and angry. Which makes sense. This new Kyle is happy, healthy, and dumb.

The new Sarah Connor (Emilia Clarke) is okay I guess. She seems more bubbly and whiney, and that shit gets old fast. She calls Arnold “Pops”, what feels like 50 times. Like a bitchy kid annoying her dad. She also argues with Kyle the entire movie and that gets old. She really never seemed tough to me at all. The Linda Hamilton version of Sarah Connor was tough and real, but also motherly. I believed her. This Emilia Clarke version would be tough if she was 14 years old. Meanwhile you are told you have to kill your son and you are okay with it? WTF! Honestly the best thing about this movie is Arnold. I mean shit you just like him in movies, he is fun and charismatic. I wouldn’t say he saved the movie, but he was the best thing about the movie. As a whole the dialogue is cheesy ass though.

I hated John Connor (Jason Clarke) in this.

The CGI seems like a cartoon a lot of the times, because people and things are tossed around like toys and it doesn’t feel real or even look real at times. Not because they can’t make a young-looking Arnold Terminator look real, because the stuff they doesn’t look physically possible in their realm of reality. It’s like CGI people flying through the air doesn’t seem real because there is no weight behind it etc. It looks like a cartoon. Even the Liquid Terminator is performing tricks like he is showing off. Showing off for who? He is programmed to kill Sarah Connor, not to show off and try to look cool by cutting his arm off and making it into a goddamn spear and throwing it, then posing for Instagram. That’s what made the first Terminator films scary, it’s about a machine that will stop and nothing to rip your goddamn face apart. Now they are doing tricks and posing. It’s silly. There is also a Helicopter chase scene that is basically a cartoon. One helicopter falls off the roof of a building then right before it hits the ground it flies away. CARTOON LOGIC. Then they fly around and shit basically upside down. In Terminator 2 there is a helicopter chase scene with a real helicopter doing real crazy ass stunts like flying underneath bridges etc. To this day your are like wow, nuts that shit is real and looks real. Then in the end you make John Connor a bag guy. Is that good story telling? Maybe, but not when the whole point of all your films is save this dude so he can save everyone else. Now he is evil, and you have to stop a new iCloud service from going online. I mean it’s basically Siri, so is that the point of the film? We are dead already because we use Siri? Who knows. It’s confusing and a mess. I had fun watching robots fighting because I love the world James Cameron set up in the first 2 films, but the dialogue, message, and point is lost. YES, fuck you. The first 2 films had huge messages in them. So don’t give me this it’s a popcorn movie it’s supposed to be dumb. That’s bullshit. What’s your favorite Sci-Fi film? I bet there is a huge message in it. Anyway I was hoping for a realistic sequel or reboot or whatever. This one comes across like a silly family adventure through time. It’s another “the real adventure is family” film I guess. Except they hate their son now and they love their robot Father Pops.

So if you love “The Terminator” and “Terminator 2: Judgment Day“, love realistic apocalyptic films, love practical effects, and coherent plots then you will not enjoy this movie. If you want to see an alt version of the Terminator films and keep that locked in your brain the whole time then you may enjoy it more. I wish it could have been more. It may sound like I hated this movie. I didn’t, I was just disappointed.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Arnold Schwarzenegger is always pretty entertaining in everything. I was okay with an old skin Terminator, but him being too much like a dad wigged me out. Yes, I know he is dad like in Terminator 2, but they don’t keep shoving it down your throat like in this film. At one point Arnold says take care of my Sarah. Haha what now!

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B. Directed by Alan Taylor (Sex and the City TV, The Sopranos TV, Game of Thrones TV, Thor: The Dark World). 

D. If you are going to try to stop something from happening in the future don’t time travel to the day it happens. Try to go a month ahead of time. Or just don’t time travel at all and do things that stop it right there in 1984 or 1990 or 2000 etc.

E. The Kyle Reeses-  The new one is a joke, the old one sold it.

Old Kyle Reese- Michael Biehn– Sketchy, hungry, scared, angry and sad.

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New Kyle Reese- Jai Courtney–  is basically a muscle-bound monkey with perfect skin and somehow found time to work out while machines were chasing him. He is annoying.

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F. Robert Patrick‘s T-1000 didn’t show off and he ran right toward the target to kill it. It’s a robot and it doesn’t need to show off. You can still show off cool effects without making shit seem cheesy.

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The New T-1000 likes to waste time and show off. Not very machine like.

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Although I do like that they cast Byung-hun Lee as the T-1000 (I Saw the DevilG.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra). He is always interesting in things. This role is limiting though.

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G. The Terminator (1984) is an incredible film. Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991) blows minds still to this day. Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines (2003) is a piece of shit and should be burned. Terminator Salvation (2009) was fun and at least they tried something new. Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles (2008- 2009) TV show was one of the best TV shows those years. I loved it.

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Terminator 1- Amazing, depressing and real.

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Terminator 2- Amazing, 4 stars, incredible.

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Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles- Intersting, cool, and took them all in amazing new direction.

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Terminator Salvation- I liked the casting, the score, and at least it was something different in the future.

H. The Sarah Connors the new one is all bubbles, and the old one was sad, serious and tough. 

New Sarah Connor- Emilia Clarke – She is all Bubbles and tough if she was 14-year-old. Also she can’t stop saying “Pops”. Shut up!

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Old Sarah Connor- Linda Hamilton – Look at that hair it’s amazing. She was sad and afraid and became tough. She was a real women and not a little girl.

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I. Here is the new theme by Lorne Balfe (Penguins of MadagascarA.D. The Bible Continues). The score had some okay moments but not very memorable. Here is a sample. This is the worst score out of all the films.

J. Here is Kyle Reese nude looking at his dad John Connor. Creepy, you just saw your dad’s dong.ZZ7FDDB9AB

K. Here is my short film called TERMINATOR: FASHION EDITION. Possibly more believable than this film. Haha

Also another film I made called  “A Very Robocop Christmas”. The terminator is in this one also.

L. This scene was redone from the original version in 1984. I guess new timeline, new hair.

1984 Punk Rockers from the original “The Terminator”.

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New 1984 Punk Rockers from “Terminator Genisys”. I guess the new Director didn’t like their hair or tire track make-up from the first film.maxresdefault

M. This time you get to see San Francisco get nuked. In the last few years San Francisco is always getting blown up or whatever in films. Also it really is just another big CGI explosion of a city. We see this in every action/superhero movie now. I’m brain-dead to it all. You know what would have been creepy or memorable and also relatable? To show people getting incinerated by the nukes like in a playground. Wow that would have been something amazing. Oh yeah like in Terminator 2! That shit was fucked up. Seeing kids burned etc.

From Terminator 2:

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N. This poster is boring. All in the Family.

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