“Real Steel” or “The Robots Had No Souls, Oops I Mean Hugh Jackman Didn’t”- my fuckin review

I watched “Real Steel” with Max Fisher the other night and here is the movie review.  The film starts off with Hugh Jackman remote controlling a giant robot at a shitty little country fair. The giant robot is fighting a bull for the audience. What the fuck is already happening. THERE IS A GIANT ASS ROBOT THROWING A BULL AROUND! Anyway Hugh is broke as fuck and the robot gets trashed. So he goes back to his girlfriend/not girlfriend Kate from “Lost”. There he is rude and mean to her and then his long-lost son shows up, and Hugh hates him and treats him like shit. He only allows the kid to live with him because he gets money from the kids Uncle to keep him. Now he has money to buy a new robot and still hates the kid, but takes him to the real version of the game Rock’em Sock’em Robots. Hughes new robot sucks and they eventually end up in a junk yard where they find a bootleg bot to use. The kid loves the new shit bot and they dance together. In the end you figure it out, somebody wins, and father and son get along. Ok here is the thing it is supposed to be the future and the only thing futuristic in this movie are the robots. That’s it! NO future cars, clothes, building or anything. BULL SHIT! Also I am disappointed that the robots had NO personalities and didn’t talk, they are just big pretty remote controlled trash cans. Who gives a fuck if a trash can wins or loses. Not me! Fuck a trash can. Hugh is really shitty to that kid, which I guess seems real, but it made me laugh. The kid has a pig nose and somehow knows the answers to everything about life at 10 years old. SHUT THE FUCK UP! Well if you like the game Rock’em Sock’em Robots, Hugh Jackman, and a future that looks like 1995 then this movie is for your. I was bored with the forced emotion from the humans and no emotion from the robots.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Evangeline Lilly was better on “Lost“. She pretty much did this the whole movie.

B. They taught the robot to dance, but honestly I think I would’ve rather seen the robots do a fuckin dance off. That would be cooler. 20 seconds into this clip WATCH.

C. Here is Hugh hitting on his son and also a pic of his son’s pig nose.

D. Danny Elfman’s score sounded like boring triumphant trash. I was disappointed.

E. This song should have been played in the opening credits.

F. Here is Hugh yelling at a robot that doesn’t understand him because they couldn’t think or feel.

G. Don’t tell me it’s the future but everyone looks 1995.

H. They played Eminem too much. I felt like the robots were going to a fuckin rap battle. I guess Eminem is fuckin retro in the future.

I. I love robots but these bored me.

J. This poster is poot-nasty.

“Bad Manor” a new web series by TWINHEAD THEATRE

BRAND NEW from Twinhead Theatre watch their new soap opera comedy web series “Bad Manor”. You can watch all 3 episodes with this link. At the end of the episode there is a link to watch the 2nd and 3rd ones. Yes it’s an all star cast even Marlinda Phillips shows up and Molly Kristyn makes the best bitchiest face of her career.

EDDIE RAY and MAX FISHER ARE MISSING! Footage Found!

This is NOT Eddie Ray posting this. I have logged on to Eddie’s Blog. He and Max Fisher are missing! This footage was found on Eddie’s camera and may reveal what happened to them. If you know this place they are at please let his family or friends know. We are extremely worried about him and Max. Please help if you can!!!!!!!

Here is the the footage.

“The Woman in Black” or “The Bitch in Black”- my fuckin review

I just watched “The Woman in Black” with mom, who screamed the whole time. OK so the film starts off with 3 little girls jumping out a window. Then Harry Potter shows up and he is older now and does not have any magic powers. He does however have a son and a dead wife. Harry leaves his son and travels by the Hogwarts Express to get to this small village to find some paperwork left behind by another dead chick in a big ass haunted mansion. The townsfolk are scared and sketchy and want his ass to leave, but Harry is an Attorney and has to close out this house for resale. He decides to stay in this big ass spook house over night. This is a period piece horror film, so that means no Telephones or cell phones bitch. His ass would have to write a fucking letter to get help from anyone and that would take weeks. Now he is in the haunted house and shit starts to pop off. Ghosts and noises all over the god damn place. He starts seeing the woman in black (A ghost chick in black evening wear) all over the place and she is scary. Later he finds out the women in black is after all the kids in the village, and she is also a mega BITCH! She is not misunderstood, she is just a fuckin bitch. Harry tries to solve the mystery of what happened to her and why she is killing kids before his own kid comes for a visit. Ok so I did like this film, and Daniel Radcliffe did a good job in it because he is not forcing it or overacting in the film.  Daniel did a whole lot of walking around with candles and that shit got old though. The score was by one of my favorite composers but this one was not very memorable to me. I loved the setting and it really did feel like you were watching an old school (pre 70′s old school) horror movie, it was quiet and never over the top. If you are looking for non stop excitement and constant scares then this movie is NOT it. If you are looking for a straight up ghost story, that is quiet, dark and mysterious then this is the movie for you. So if you like Daniel Radcliffe, haunted mansions, ghost kids, ghost bitches in black, fog, graves, candles, and mysteries then this shit is for you. I enjoyed it, but I don’t feel the need to re-watch this movie again. It is one time show on a dark and windy night. Also safe for the kiddies take em.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Daniel Radcliffe was pretty good in this movie because he was quiet and not forced.

B. I don’t fuck with ghosts wearing black evening wear.

C. I hope when I die I haunt the shit out of a place.

D. The score was done by Marco Beltrami. I do love Marco and this score was just OK for me. Not his most memorable work for sure.

E. I would love to live or stay in a haunted mansion.

F. OH SHIT GHOST KIDS!

G. If you were hearing impaired and blind how would you know a place was haunted?

H. I wish they played AC/DC’s “Back in Black” in the end credits.

I. Don’t bring your kid to a village where kids are dying from a ghost bitch in black.

J. I wish Miss Piggy was the Bitch in Black.

K. I am too lazy to solve a mystery that involves digging up bodies. I would be like fuck this let’s burn their fuckin crib down. Haunt the ashes of your house bitch.

L. I just kept saying “What a bitch!”.

M. AHHHHHHH no eyes, or what I used to do to people in my yearbook in Middle School that I hated.

“THERE’S NO LOVE FOR VALENTINES DAY”- My short films

Valentines Day is coming! See how me, Drake Captaincrakcerjacks Stephens, Kevin Vickery, Marlinda Phillips, James Yates, James Ford, Katie Orr and Alex Orr celebrate this weird ass holiday. This film has Yeti’s, Magic, Guns, Death, Candy, A Crazy Racist, Fingerbang Orangutang, Ice Cream and Love. I hope you enjoy “There’s No Love for Valentines Day“.