“Captain America: The Winter Soldier” or “Captain America: Buffalo Soldier” my fuckin review

Here is my review for “Captain America: The Winter Soldier“. Okay Captain America is back and he has been living in present day for a while now. So he knows about internet porn, CD’s, etc. He hangs out with his new best friend Falcon (I’m glad the Captain is not a racist) and they jog together. Later Shield and Scarlett Johansson are like “come on we got a new mission you prehistoric bitch”, so he and Scarlett go beat the shit out of everyone on a boat. Samuel L. Jackson is back and still giving orders to everyone with one eye and blowing people up. This time there is a new mysterious bad game name Winter Soldier and he has a metal arm, and dresses EMO as fuck. Shit hits the fan when Robert Redford shows up and starts fucking with everyone because he is pissed about all those wrinkles. In the end shit gets more nuts when giant battle ships are flying around blowing shit up. Okay so this movie was a lot of fun to watch and had some great action scenes in it. I ‘m glad they didn’t force some hokey ass relationship crap on us from Captain America and Scarlett. Shit really did seem real and not cheesy. Super heroes can get cheesy as fuck sometimes. There were some great action scenes with Samuel L. Jackson by himself without Captain America around, which I loved. We got to see how tough he really is. You will have fun watching this one and I have been surprised by both Captain America films now. I am not a big fan of the Iron Man films and Thor is just okay to me. I could watch Captain America’s film again. So if you love Marvel, Chris Evans, Scarlett Johansson, Samuel L. Jackson, a death frisbee, and fight scenes then this movie is for you. It makes sense and is fun, so go see it.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Chris Evans makes a good super hero. He seems sincere and not cheesy. Which is hard to do wearing that “American” flag outfit. Also his lips were so pink in this movie.

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B. This should have been the theme song.

C. Gurllll you got iron fisted.

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Also Winter Soldier looks like he is an Russian screamo rock band.

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D. The score was poppin by Henry Jackman (This Is the EndG.I. Joe: RetaliationWreck-It RalphX-Men: First ClassKick-Ass). Here is a sample.

E. Emily VanCamp is in this movie as an agent and I hope she becomes Captain America’s love interest later. She is also on the TV show “Revenge“. I am into her.

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F. They should have played this during a fight scene.

G. He ain’t ever playing.

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H. He may be from a different time but he already has a Facebook https://www.facebook.com/CaptainAmerica.

I. Iron Man and The Hulk were on vacation in this movie.

J. I like this poster more than the other ones. Also coming soon “Captain America 3“. 

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“Muppets Most Wanted” or “Muppets Unwanted” my fuckin review

Here is my review “Muppets Most Wanted“. Okay so this film starts off where the last movie (“The Muppets” 2011- which I loved) left off. Kermit and the rest of the Muppets are wondering what the fuck they are going to do next. They decide to hook up with Ricky Gervais and then go on tour across Europe. This bad guy shows up that looks just like Kermit and Kermit gets arrested and is sent to a Russian prison. The fake Kermit takes his place in the Muppets and he and Ricky are actually crooks who are stealing shit from art galleries while the Muppets tour around Europe. Meanwhile in the Russian prison Tina Fey is the warden and Danny Trejo and Ray Liotta are prisoners there. In the end the Muppets go ape shit. Okay so I love the Muppets. I love the old movies and the one from 2011. I didn’t like this one. It just seemed thrown together to me and more kiddie than usual. It felt forced and all over the place and I was really let down. Even Janice sounded weird with her one line in this movie. The writers of the last one made it fun, entertaining and even emotional. This movie was just a mess and I wouldn’t want to watch it again. The songs were hokey too. I am sad about it. :( So if you love the Muppets, Ricky G., Tina Fey, Ty Burrell, and that’s about it then you might be entertained by this movie. I was not, and I just went back and watched the old ones again.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Miss Piggy is still hot though. I would get with that pig.

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B. I hope the Muppets do a horror comedy next.

C. Lady Gaga showed up for one second in a song. It was awkward though.

D. Tina Fey as a Russian Warden is hot but forced.

A scene from the new movie 'Muppets Most Wanted'

E. What I have learned about the Muppets is that the Muppets just need to be themselves. Weird, a little pervy, smart ass, and fun. This one was just too processed and by the numbers. James Bobin wrote and directed this movie and he also directed the one back in 2011 (“The Muppets“), but he didn’t write that one. The writer for Muppets 2011 was Jason Segel and Nicholas Stollerand they did a better job of updating them and having fun with them.

F. Céline Dion shows up and sings with Miss Piggy and you would think this would be amazing. It was not and seemed weird and out-of-place.

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G. The songs weren’t memorable in this movie either.

H. Walter was the big character in the last movie. He was irrelevant in this movie.

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I. Just skip this one and go watch “The Great Muppet Caper” or “The Muppets“.

J. Too many humans.

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“Nymphomaniac: Vol. 1 and Vol. 2″ or “Shia’s Dick” my fuckin review

Here is my review for “Nymphomaniac: Vol. I and Nymphomaniac: Vol. II“. Okay so this is a Lars von Trier (Melancholia, Antichrist. etc.) film. So get ready for the real fucked up deal. His shit ain’t PG. Okay so this movie is about a girl named Joe (Charlotte Gainsbourg) who is a Nymphomaniac. It’s about her life and how hard it is dealing with the fact that she is nympho. She has sex like 10 times a day but never really enjoys it. Its nuts. She meets Shia LaBeouf one day and they start banging and fall in love, but he can’t have sex 10 times a day so she looks elsewhere, and he tries to be okay with it. Joe is telling her life story to this man who is asexual (not interested in sex with anyone), so her stories aren’t turning him on. You see Joe’s ass do all kinds of crazy shit throughout her life. It really is interesting and entertaining to watch. No, not because people are having sex. Sex is normal and people have it, grow up bitch. Yes, it is graphic and you see Shia’s ding ding, and Joe’s hootie cootie, but their story is interesting and sad. I fell like all Lars Vin Trier movies make me nervous and even a little scared because you have no fuckin idea what is coming next. Shit, horror directors should watch his films and take a lesson on how to scare people. There is also a part one and part two to this film, but I watched it in a big ass 4 hour block. I guess people will watch this film hoping to get to see some “acceptable porn”. This is not porn, its sex and the issues that revolve around it. Yes, there is a shit load of nudity, but check this out, you naked to sometimes! Shia’s character is English in this movie and honestly is believable and you forget he is Shia. Uma Thurman and Jamie Bell are both amazing in this movie and you will love them both in it. So if you love Lar Von Trier, talking about sex, watching sex, Shia’s dick, Christian Slater, relationships, real talk, and over sexed people then this is the movie for you. I enjoyed it and you probably will too for many different reasons. I also loved the ending it was fucked up and real. So watch with your kids and grandparents and hide a camera so we can see their faces.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Lars von Trier is interesting and keeps shit weird and real.

B. Shia playing with his ding ding.

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C. Sex is not a big deal. It happens or people want it to happen. Don’t be embarrassed about it or thinking about it.

D. Shia with a bag on his head.

tumblr_n0uudmQBmO1r2igm4o1_500E. Jamie Bell is great in everything. He is always interesting and convincing.  Also no he is naked in this.

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F. Here is the cleaned up version of Shia’s sex scene. You see a lot more in the movie.

G. Uma Thurman was amazing and funny in this and I love her. No she was not naked in this.

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H. The main character had to have sex 10 times a day. I would die. Being a Nymphomaniac is hard and sad. This should have been her theme song by PEACHES.

I. There is a lot of nudity in this movie, but you are naked every time you get dressed or take a bath. Get passed it. Here is the director Lars.

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J.Willem Dafoe is forever nasty!

K. This poster is great.

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“Wolf of Wall Street” or “Leonardo is Rich and Fucking Everyone on Cocaine” my fuckin review

Here is my review for “The Wolf of Wall Street“. Okay Leonardo DiCaprio starts off poor and then gets a job on Wall Street. Then he does cocaine a lot with Matthew McConaughey, gets rich, has orgies, more parties, and then takes some ludes. In the end he goes to jail for a minute. That all lasts about 3 hours and I dug it. I love Leo in shit, He is funny, serious, scary, fucked up, and screams a lot. It really is an entertaining film and it’s Leo that makes this shit fun. The rest of the cast is great too, but Leo is gold. I heard some people saying shit like “It glorifies the bad guy”. Maybe, but when the movie was over I felt like I was fuckin poor and I should be on ludes all day. I guess he ripped off people and shit. It was still entertaining as hell! You will have fun watching it. So if you love Leo, Jonah Hill, cocaine, orgies, gay orgies, orgies on planes and money then you will love this movie. I’m not a fan of Martin Scorsese, but I dug this movie. It was crazy, vulgar and fun.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Reason 1 to see this movie. Leo dancing. rs_1024x576-130628145835-leonardodicapriowolfdance

B. What are Quaaludes?

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C. Reason 2: Leo yelling.

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D. There was an orgy on plane that was incredible. Big hair and slow motion.

E. Reason 3: Leo comedy.

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F. Reason 4: Gay Orgy.

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G. Reason 5: Leo on Ludes.

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H. This version of the song “Gloria” was played.

I. Reason 6: Henry Zebrowski is in this film and he is funny as hell. He is also in “Your Pretty Face Is Going to Hell“.

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J. I guess I would hang this up. I just hate the title.

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“Her” or “Banging A Computer” – my fuckin review.

Here is my review for “Her“. Okay so the movie starts off with River Phoenix‘s brother who is depressed and lonely in the future. He wants to be in love but dresses weird as fuck and has a horrible mustache. He then signs up for online dating, but it’s an artificial intelligence operating system instead of a human with boobies. Think long distance dating over the phone but you don’t know what they look like. P.S. Long distance dating never works. So River’s brother falls in love over the phone with his OS (Scarlett Johansson). They laugh and shit and he walks around the city talking to her on the phone and jerks off with her too. They fall in love, but remember she has no body. Eventually she joins other OS’s and they form Skynet and they destroy the world together. Okay so this movie was fun and cute, and I could totally date a computer too. Unless that shit is calling me all day on speed dial. I do however need something to look at, even if they send a fake picture of that ass. It really is an interesting movie and you feel you bad for Joaquin Phoenix‘s ass by the end . As I watched the movie I kept thinking “Oh shit she is going to kill him somehow” or “She can see him through cameras and shit”. I thought it was going to turn into a horror movie the whole time. It did not. So if you love Spike Jonze, Joaquin Phonex, phone sex with Scarlett Johansson, people talking on the phone, weird love stories, and computers then this movie is for you.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Ummmm they have all this technology, can’t you plug her ass into a robot body with a built-in flesh light for love?

B. The fashion of the future is ass.

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This is what they should have been wearing!

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C. I would bang a computer if it told me it loved me.

D. Jealous computers are scary. Also this should have been the movie’s theme song.

E. What is this?

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F. Dating long distance does not work. Out of sight, out looking to get laid.

E. I would date Soundwave. Is that the same thing?

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F. Siri told me this shit. What the fuck!

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G. I hope the sequel is called “Him” or “Them”. I would date multiple OS’s.

H. The poster.

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“Robocop” 2014 or “Robocock” -my fuckin review

Here is my review for “RoboCop“- 2014. Okay Robocop is back and this time he is made by Michael Keaton and Gary Oldman. Yes, this movie is a remake or reboot or re-imagining or whatever they call it now. The story begins with this cat named Alex Murphy, who is a cop that is trying to bust some big time assholes. He eventually gets to close and they blow his ass up. He is burnt the fuck up so this company gives him a new Robobody. He still has his mind though. Now he is Robocop and he is out to fuck bad guys, but he has too much emotions so they reprogram him to think more robotic. Until his wife and son get involved and bring his ass out of this Robocoma. In the end, Robocop shoots people up and meets up with Number 5 from “Short Circuit“. Okay so this movie was entertaining but that doesn’t mean it was a good movie. Yes, I love the original because of its over-the-top characters and violence. The new one tries to keep it more realistic, which is boring at times. I like the dude playing Robocop, but he was acting like a robot before he was a robot. Also his voice was not Robosynthed. Robocop’s partner was a male in this movie, in the old it was a girl. She was fucking amazing. I guess they didn’t want you to think the new Robocop was in love with his partner. So they made his new partner a guy this time. You know girls and guys can’t be friends or work together or anything. It really just makes you wanna go back and watch the original again. Some cool robot actions scenes but that’s it. You ain’t going to cry for his Roboass. So if you love robots, Robofighting, Roboshooting, Robosex, Roboboners, and Michael Keaton then this movie is for you. It was a fun one time watch. I will not buy it on Blu Ray.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Here is the new Robocop (Joel Kinnaman).Robocop Alex Murphy Joel Kinnaman

B. Me in the theatre dancing.

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C. Ed 209 looked hot.

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D. Does Robocop have a Robocock. This was not answered in the film. Lame.

E. This is creepy. Also one with visor down.

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F. People remade this scene from RoboCop- 1987 . It’s amazing.

I made this one with Robocop at Christmas.

G. Roborape face.

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H. Without Nancy Allen as Officer Anne Lewis what’s the fuckin point.

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I. Robocop playing chess poster.

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“The Lego Movie” or “Talking Bricks Have Better Dailogue Than Most Live Action Movies” My fuckin review

Here is my review for “The Lego Movie“. I love Legos bitch. Okay the movie starts off with this Lego dude named Emmet Brickowoski (Chris Pratt), he is part of the machine and works for THE MAN, named Lord Business (Will Ferrell). Emmet then hears about a prophecy about some Lego who will save the Lego world they live in, but he feels like he is not special. He is just an average Lego worker. He meets up with  Wyldstyle and Vitruvius and they all try to shut Lord Business down. In the end they prove that big business is bad and that Communism can work. Everyone is special in Lego Land and equal. Okay so I love this movie. It’s message was bigger than I thought it would be and I enjoyed that shit too. The characters are funny and entertaining and you will laugh the entire time. It really had some of the best dialogue I have heard in any movie in the past fuckin year. That’s right talking bricks are better than most live action movies.  We saw it in 3D also so there were Lego bricks flying at my fuckin head. Honestly the entire audience really enjoyed it, old and young. There was even some nudity. So you if you want a smart, witty, happy, fun, hot,  good time and love Legos this movie is for you. I say go see it in 3D.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Legos have great dialogue.

B. Morgan Freeman is good in any role he plays.

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C. I would make out with a Lego.

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D. Anthony Daniels as C-3PO shows up in one scene.

E. Liam Neeson plays Bad Cop.

F. Billy Dee Williams shows up as Lando. That shit was gold.

G. OMG these costumes.

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H. Channing Tatum as Superman and Jonah Hill as Green Lantern. The Best

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I. Batman was funny. Here is his theme song in the movie.

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J. Mark Mothersbaugh composed the score. It was tight as a Lego’s ass.

Here is the theme song. “Everything is Awesome”.

K. My favorite Lego dude.

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L. Cute

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