Here is my review for the remake of “Maniac“. The movie opens with the point of view of someone watching some sexy ass ladies trying to get home from the clubs. It’s Elijah Wood! He is insane as fuck and killing chicks on the daily. He also restores mannequins for a living and keeps them in his bedroom with the scalps of the girls he has killed, so that they have long pretty hair. HE FUCKIN CRAZY, but he really just wants to be loved. Later he meets this one hot girl and she is in to him and mannequins too, but he still digs those lovely lady scalps. It’s mostly shot from Elijah’s point of view which is interesting and you feel like your ass is the killer. Then he walks by a mirror and you see his super mind rape eyes, and you are frightening as fuck. ELIJAH you gave me the mother fuckin willies. Okay so I really dug this movie a lot. It was fucked up and crazy, and Elijah sold that shit. It was violent and bloody and the score was FUCKIN AMAZING! I was even okay with the point of view filming. It takes place today, but had an 80′s movie feel to it, due to the score, the shots of the city, and subway chase scene. Which I loved. It really is worth the watch, and those mannequins creeped me the fuck out. For a minute I thought Elijah was going to fuck one of those mannequins. So if you love slasher films, Elijah Wood, mannequins, blood, and scalps then this is the movie for you. I loved it. I will see this when it comes out here June 21st and buy it on Blu Ray.
The Trailer:
The Facts:
A. Elijah Wood is all good, and he is good in this movie. He got that creepy ass stare!
C. Here is the first 6 minutes of the movie to give you a boner. You will also want to notice the amazing score in this movie by Rob. It was fucking incredible.
D. Elijah getting ready to party.
E. Elijah doesn’t fuck a mannequin in this movie, but I wished he would have.
F. Gurllll your hair look good, but your forehead is fucked.
G. They played “Goodbye Horses” by Q Lazarus in this movie. This was the hot jam from “The Silence of the Lambs“.
H. Run!!!! Elijah is on that ass!
I. Here is the girl he likes with her mannequins.
J. Here is the trailer for the original 1980 “Maniac” movie. The old movie is more over-the-top than the new movie.
Here is my review for “The Great Gatsby“. Okay so the story starts off with Tobey in a nut house in the future and telling his story on how he knows that Gatsby. He met that Gatsby in New York in the 1920′s and is his neighbor. Gatsby is rich as fuck and throws big ass parties and everyone is drunk and dancing that flapper dance. Then they all drive drunk. There is this one bitch that Gatsby has his eyes on, and it’s Tobey’s cousin Carey Mulligan, but it turns out Carrie and Gatsby used to date back in the day. Then they all drive drunk. Now Carrie is married and has a kid and shit, but Gatsby still wants up in that ass again. Meanwhile Tobey is in love with Gatsby. Gatsby and Carrie final get it on again, but she is still married. We call that adultery today. They all end up getting in a huge ass fight and drive home drunk and run over some hooker that Carrie’s husband is cheating with. Everybody cheats in this movie, and it’s okay with them. Now Gatsby and Carrie are involved in a hit and run, but they don’t seemed very concerned. I guess because the girl they hit was a flapper hooker and everyone drives drunk. In the end Carrie turns out to be a mega bitch and drives away drunk. Okay so I did like this movie, but I didn’t love it. It’s crazy as Christmas and over-the-top and yes, it will take you a minute to adjust to shit you are seeing. They even play today’s hottest tracks in scenes and not 1920′s jazz. At first I thought I would hate this but I didn’t mind because it fit this film. Leo really is a great actor and I really enjoy him in movies, especially when his ass is screaming and yelling at tricks. Tobey was good as the goofy stalker of Gatsby too. So if you are looking for a Koo koo ass 1920′s ride and love Leo, Tobey, flappers, Jay-Z, over dramatic ass stories, and driving drunk then this is the movie for you.
F. My favorite part in this movie was when it cut to this car and they were driving and drinking and listening to JAY-Z’s “Izzo”.
Play the video and watch the image from above.
G. They kicked a lot in the 20′s.
H. Tobey Maguire plays shit real and goofy. I like that.
I. Everyone really did swerve all of the fuckin roads in their cars. I think they really were all drunk. When I left the theater and drove home I swerved a lot, just for kicks.
J. What a Bitch, but I still like her.
K. Here is a video of Leo yelling. He yells his ass off in every movie. I love it.
Here is my movie review for “Oblivion“. Okay so the movie starts in the future and the Earth is a shit bowl. Aliens attacked it back in the day and shut humanity down, except for Tom Cruise (I don’t know his character name because he is Tom Cruise in everything), and some chick. They both live in an apartment designed by APPLE and have to fix drones that fly around and shoot at humans on the ground dressed like black chickens. The entire planet is overgrown with dirt and the tops of building are now the front doors of those buildings. Tom eventually runs in Morgan Freeman and some other humans and he learns some secrets about humanity and the aliens and shit. Then the fight is on to stop aliens we never see. In the end Tom realizes that one of him on a movie screen is not enough, but what he doesn’t realize is that one Cruise on-screen is already one too many. Okay so this movie looked really pretty and everything looked real and shit, but honestly it was like watching a boring video about the Earth on the Discovery Channel. Look at this busted up building that is over grown with dirt, or woods, or snow-capped mountains, or desert. Think Tom Cruise’s vacation video with really good score and effects. Still boring though. This movie really was long and wooden and the end of the film was whatever. So if you love Tom Cruise, Apple, earth without people on it, and aliens you don’t see then this is the movie for you. I will never watch this movie again. Wait for Netflix or the Syfi Channel.
The Trailer:
The Facts:
A. Tom Cruise plays fake baseball in this movie in a broken down stadium. I hated that. That is a like a douche bag at a party playing air drums, because they can’t dance.
B. When will our houses look like APPLE.
C. If you dress up like a black chicken it’s not scary, I just want to eat you.
E. Tom does this a lot in the film, just staring at shit.
F. M.8.3 composed the score to this movie. Here is a track.
G. Tom Cruise fought himself at one point. I bet he couldn’t wait to see two of himself on-screen at the same time. I beat he jerks off to himself in movies.
My movie review for “Iron Man 3“. Ok finally Pepper Potts (Gwyneth Paltrow) is back in a whole new adventure. She is still dating Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr.), who is this rich guy who makes robot suits, and now she is trying to juggle being a businesswoman and also date an eccentric billionaire. Now there is a new bad guy in town that wants to come between them called The Mandarin (Ben Kingsley). He eventually does come between them and blows this shit out of their crib and Pepper and Tony get separated. Tony ends up across the country dealing with some little kid and having panic attacks and Pepper is left to pick up the pieces of their house and shattered lives. Later Pepper teams up with one of Tony’s ex’s and feels pretty awkward about it. So she goes and visits her mom Annie Potts to get advice about her relationship. In the end Pepper is better looking in an Iron Man suit than Tony and can also start fires and melt shit with her hands. Pepper saves the day an all is well in Iron Land. Okay so this movie was entertaining and fun, but I didn’t love it. I do love the concept of Iron Man though, but in these movies something seems off to me every time. I was joking above, but Gwyneth was in this jam a lot and Robert was not in the Iron Man suit a lot. There are literally a shit ton of Iron Men running around with nobody inside the fuckin suits. So I guess they are just robots now. I was okay with Gwyneth being a hero too in this film, but the bad guys in it sucked. The Mandarin was cool and funny, but as a “bad” guy, he sucked. There were other villains but they bored the shit out of me. The score (I know you are rolling your eyes, but the score is very important to a film. Especially a super hero movie) was boring and generic and could have been taken out of this movie and put into the Thor movie and you wouldn’t have known it was from Iron Man. It sounds like interchangeable disposable score. It was composed by Brian Tyler if you are interested. My favorite part of the film was the “Air force One people ejected out the ass end of the plane” scene. I thought it was going to be the big “every Iron Man costume shows up to fight” scene, but that shit was a confusing mess. If you are looking for a fun, one time watch then you will get into this jam. So if you love Iron Man, Iron Woman, Gwyneth P., Robert D., robots, Tony without his suit on, Don Cheadle, and another shitty Iron Man villain then this movie is for you. It was cute and fun, but I wouldn’t want to watch it again. Iron Man did cooler shit in “The Avengers” movie. Also get ready for Iron Man 4.
C. If you invite bad guys to your home they will come blow it up bitch.
D. This was my favorite Iron Man suit or Robot or whatever.
E. Honestly all the villains in all 3 Iron Man films bored me.
F. Tony about to bottom for one of his Iron Men suits.
G. I wish Pepper was the real hero of these films.
H. Look at them on the cover of Entertainment Weekly. Also look how horrible this Photoshop is.
I. I wish this was theme song for the Iron Man movies.
Instead it was this song by Eiffel 65.
J. I do like Robert D. though. He seems real to me in these movies and also in this picture.
K. Tony was jumping in and out of suits so fast at one point I thought he was going get knocked out, and now he can control the suits and where they go by voguing. So Madonna can also control his suits. Also if you fall into a metal suit it will probably break your face and dick.
L. A picture of Pepper Potts in her Iron Man suit.
Here is my review for “The Kings of Summer“. Okay so the film is about these 2 boys who have a shitty home life. Their parents are either assholes or controlling dicks and weird. Honestly I think that’s just parents in general but whatever. Okay so the one boy Joe (Nick Robinson), has an idea that he and his best friend Patrick (Gabriel Basso) should both run away from home and build their own house deep in the woods. Along the way they meet this one weird kid at party named Biaggio (Moises Arias) and he joins their runaway gang. Then they get their shit and head to the woods to build a house to live in. There they meet snakes, and have fights over chicks they are in love with. In the end they come of age and learn about life, etc. Okay I really liked this movie, it was funny and entertaining, and all the 3 boys did a great job carrying the entire film. It really was a fun coming of age story and I related to it because my ass wanted to run away too. Their dialogue seemed honest and real and not PG’ed up for kids or any shit like that. Honestly this movie was shot well, is funny and sincere. Check it out if you ever felt like running away. So if you like coming of age stories, friendship, comedy, snakes, building montages and woods then this movie is for your. It has a heart, but not a forced one. You will enjoy it.
The Trailer:
The Facts:
A. Here are the three boys you are running away with. Honestly they were all entertaining and funny, and I bet will be big stars one day.
B. I want a house in the woods.
C. Snakes will bite the fuck out of you.
D. Burning shit.
E. I am not eating wildlife I killed that shit looks nasty.
Here is my review for “The Lords of Salem” and a surprise reviewer guest star SHANE MORTON (Under Fact Letter N.). The movie starts off in 1696 and there is a coven of nasty ass witches around a fire talking about Satan and how much they love his ass. The witches hate babies and lick and spit on one of them. Babies are overrated anyway. Then it cuts to 2013, but it looks like 1996. Sheri Moon Zombie is a DJ at a local Salem radio station and she lives in this creepy ass Salem apartment house. Shit gets crazy when she receives a record in the mail in a wooden box. The record says it by “The Lords” on it. She decides to play that shit and then Satanic and witchy shit starts to pop off. The song ain’t bad, I could make out to it. Anyway Satan and witches start coming for her and she is seeing fucked up evil shit and doing all kinds of fucked up shit. In the end you learn Salem is real happening place. Okay so I dig Rob zombie movies. Is he the best Director ever? No, but his shit is interesting to watch and while this movie looks like a Rob Zombie film, it’s a quieter and more moody version of his films. I wonder if fans of his other films will like this movie? Probably not. So If you love his louder and more over-the-top characters and dialogue then you are not going to get it here. Things are slower paced and the dialogue is subtle. Which really is a breath of fresh horror air. This movie is also very Satanicy and witchy. They aren’t playing around, and its Satan talk all the way through it. I loved that, if you are doing a movie about Satanic ass witches then they better be Satanic ass witches. They were even naked a lot and that shit was not pretty. These are no sexy witches. They got that saggy ass and floppy teets. Which I loved. If you didn’t know who Rob Zombie is while watching this film you would have thought you were watching an Indie art house movie about creepy ass Satan shit. I loved that also. Directors need to try new shit and keep it real. Even if fans are let down at first. Later they will love it. Humans hate change, but then love shit later. There were so many shots that could have been framed pictures on a wall, and honestly beautiful (in a horror way). If you are looking for scares or a typical A to Z horror film you are not going to get it here. If you love creepy ass imagery and weird ass Satanic scenes then you will dig it. I liked it a lot and I really thought about what I just watched later and I do want to see it again. I even like how a song can fuck people up and make them do evil shit. Clearly he is poking fun of how people view his own music and how critics or parents thought/think it’s evil or could make you kill. Also all the ladies that played the witches were amazing. I love them all. You should give this film a chance and try to not think about it being a Rob Zombie film. Unfortunately I think people will pre-judge this film before they even see it because his name is on it. Shit people will even post-judge it because of his name. Just judge it as a film. Anyway so if you love ugly naked witches, Satanic talk, weird ass imagery, Sherri Moon Zombie, goats, priests getting blow jobs, babies getting spit upon, and Salem then this movie is for you. It was for me because I dug all that shit. I will buy this jam on BLU RAY.
The Trailer: (I LOVE THIS TRAILER)
The Facts:
A. This ain’t no HOCUS POCUS! It is dreary, dark, depressing, creepy, unnerving and hot.
B. Sheri Moon Zombie is gold to me in everything. Is she the best actor? No, but I love to watch her and she seems real to me. This looks like a fun ass ride.
C. I have been to Salem on Halloween. It was nutz. I want to go back.
N. ALERT! ALERT! In a surprise movie review twist I asked my good friend Shane Morton to give you another opinion, we both love horror and have worked together on films, and haunted attractions. Now just because we both love horror it doesn’t mean we like the same type of horror. So I thought it was important to get another opinion on this film. Here is what Shane thought:
After the awesome successful screening of Your Pretty Face Is Going to Hell last night, I still hadn’t had enough Satan in my life, so this morning I woke up bright and early to catch a Beelzebub breakfast with Rob Zombie’s Lords of Salem at a 10am screening. I was really looking forward to this movie as I have some personal insights to the road to getting this movie made. I really hit it off with Rob when he hired me to oversee a big part of the production of Halloween 2′s ‘Phantom Jam’ party scene. Every production head signed off at his request so I could paint, build props, do wardrobe, hair and makeup and he even insisted I cast the 270 actors required for it! I ended up doing almost every painting in the movie, almost every sign and billboard and he kept giving me more work throughout my 3 months on the show because we share a lot of the same sensibilities. I found him to be somewhat of a sensitive artist type and saw firsthand why his movies have fallen short of his vision. I was there the day Weinstein screamed at him and ripped 25 pages out of his script. I saw him pulling his hair out over assigned designers that wouldn’t give him what he needed to make his movie look cool. I came to understand that you can’t make art (or a good movie) by committee, and I told him so after we wrapped and expressed the hope that he would one day make a movie he wanted to make without having to answer to money men and other idiots and assholes that he was surrounded by. I always believed that he was capable of truly delivering the goods…and I think he finally has, with Lords of Salem. I think people will hate this movie for the some of the same reasons I love it, so here goes (get ready for run on sentences!)… He made his art film for under 3 mil and under the radar of major studios, if I’m not mistaken, the Paranormal Activity producers (responsible for faves like Insidious) let him do what he wanted, (I’m really tight with his art director/Lori Mazuer and she kept me updated as we were both working on satanic projects at the same time and we would swap stories of our productions) and it shows, as this film has love in it, you can see the care taken in almost every shot, there’s some beautiful stuff going on in here and I hope Lori gets an award for her wonderful design work on this show (which many will say is overblown and pretentious, but keep in mind, he’s trying to make a somewhat experimental art film here).
John 5 kills it with an amazing score that made my spine tingle and perfectly captured the sound of dread (if that’s possible) this guy needs to do more film scoring as he’s really good at it! (Others will probably bitch about the lack of rock, fuck em who says Goblin doesnt rock?) Usually Sheri Moon annoys me but here she gives a real performance that I didn’t think her capable of. Rob had the balls to shoot her warts and all and I applaud him overall for his unusual portrayals of women in this. I mean really, she’s sagging and he’s zeroing in on it, and that made it feel very real to me and unglamorous. All the witches are awesome in this and I haven’t seen anything like these rituals since Christensen’s Häxan: Witchcraft Through the Ages, it’s really great stuff! (But people will probably say it’s not sexy enough!) Wayne Toth destroys again with some VERY different approaches to devil/demon/incubus designs…there is some seriously weird shit going down in this one! I could go on and on about the look of this show (it’s so different that horror fans may not be able to accept something so out of the range of what they’re used to!)…So how do you make me happy? You make a satanic horror movie (which I usually hate, especially when a catholic hero flies in and saves the day, which usually happens, and damn sure doesn’t here!) seeped in terror and dread, (referencing the greatest one, Rosemary’s Baby) almost devoid of cheap shots and jump scares,with characters I care about because their back stories are so well-played, and give it the psychedelia of Russell’s The Lair of the White Worm and Kenneth Anger’s Lucifer Rising ritual magic films,then you process it thru a Jodorowsky filter to really amp up the strange, then grease it up with euro trash sleaze ala Dossorio and Naschy to get it good and filthy and you are giving me what I want! Hail Rob Zombie for finally making the movie he wanted to make! I’m sorry, because I think the public, the critics and most of his Neanderthal fans are gonna hate this movie, but I loved it and can’t wait to see it again as there’s alot of deep stuff going on here and I wanna revisit it so I can figure it out! Anyhoo, give this a chance, if you like psychotronic cinema, I haven’t seen a movie deliver like this in a long time! Hail Satan! Hail Eddie Ray!!!
Here is my movie for “Come Out and Play“. Okay so the movie starts off with this married couple on vacation in some Spanish country. This is Francis (Ebon Moss-Bachrach) and Beth’s (Vinessa Shaw) last vacation before Beth has their baby. She is pregnant as fuck. So they take a small 2 seater boat to some tiny ass Island that Francis used to hang on or visit. When they get there they see some kids on the dock and they are laughing and playing and shit. Then they walk into the town and realize there is nobody there. Just kids on the hide. They begin to realize they are trapped and the kids have killed all the adults and are now after their asses. Think “Children of the Corn” on an island with happier kids killing. Now Francis and Beth are on the run from a shit load of brats. Okay so I dug this movie it was like a new version of “Children of the Corn” and maybe even more believable because it was on an Island, not in a town in America. The kids don’t act all sketchy and for the most part they are laughing and playing while they kill. Sketchy kids in movies are tired and not scary. So these kids were cool. The couple was believable and the pregnant wife Beth was bitchy and moody, which I liked. This movie really is a fun watch and you should check it out. So if you love “Children of the Corn”, Spanish kids, kids killing the shit out of people, a human head used as a ball, and can handle kids getting killed then this movie is for you. I liked it, even the ending was cool.
The Trailer:
The Facts:
A. These kids are pissed as fuck.
B. It was Directed, Produced, Written, Filmed, and Edited by Makinov. He has only done this one movie, but he knew what to do to make it interesting and scary. Here is a video of him introducing the film for film festivals. WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!! AMAZING and SCARY!
C. If you are pregnant you should not be traveling to an island in the middle of nowhere. Sorry stay your pregnant ass near the hospital.
D. You can’t get away from a swarm of kids. They are like ants and they will bite that ass!
E. I will hit a kid with a baseball bat if he is trying to eat me. FUCK THEM!
F. I like this poster.
G. American audiences hate seeing kids or animals getting killed. Other countries could give a shit less. I am with the other countries. Sometimes kids and pets are evil. Fuck them!
H. She has her first body parts necklace. Good for her.
I. I don’t want to go on vacation anywhere that I could be trapped. I ain’t into that shit.
J. Carry a knife with you when travel, you never know when kids will go ape shit and try to play with your intestines.
K. If you are wondering if they show kids getting killed, they do. They went there and I am glad they did.
