“The Killer Inside Me” or “Jessica Alba Gets Her Ass Whipped”- my fuckin review

Ok.. So I got to see the new movie “The Killer Inside Me” last night. It stars Ben Afflecks brother, Dark Angel (Jessica Alba), Goldie Hawn‘s daughter, and somehow Ned Betty is still alive. He was old in 1980, shit. OK so this movie is based on a 1950’s novel, before DNA evidence. Ben Affleck’s brother plays the Deputy Sheriff and a sociopath (that means crazy bitch). He likes to whip girls asses, no literally, like with a belt. Ben Affleck’s brother meets this HO that is played by Dark Angel and she slaps him around some, then he gets pissed and pulls her pants down and spanks the shit (not literally) out of her  until she is crying, then they have sex. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE, if you hit or beat my ass I will knock you the fuck out, I don’t want to have sex with you, I want to hit you back bitch. I mean each to their own kink i guess. So then they start seeing each other for sex rendezvous, even though he is dating Goldie’s daughter on the real. He eventually beats the dark angels face in, no for real, he beat her fucking face off. I was like oh my god dark angelllllll. Then the films turns into a “I am crazy and smart and let me cover up my tracks” story. I will not give anything away, but there really isn’t much to give away. They give you some back story, but it is vague and sketchy and I was like UMMMMM what the fuck is going on by the end of the movie. I feel like the film has a lot of holes and leaves you grasping at reasons for why he is a killer. Also shut the fuck up, don’t sit there and tell me “Well the director is trying to make you think and come up with your own reasons and logic for the film”. Oh fuck you. I have been filming shit since I was 10 years old and watching movies everyday of my life, if your shit don’t make sense it don’t make sense. Like the TV show “LOST” there is a point where I give up on figuring shit out and say “Fuck it who cares, I need to try to figure out my own life more than this fucking movie”. I could go into other reasons why this films doesn’t make sense but it will give away too much shit and then you will hate me. Ok so even though the story is a mess and confusing, the acting was all good. I liked Ben Afflecks brother, and Goldie’s Daughter, and even Dark Angel (Jessica Alba). They were all engaging and believable. Also let me say this about Jessica Alba, FUCK IT, I LIKE HER… She is trying to do different shit, I feel like everyone wants to shit on her but she just got her face obliterated in this film and I was proud of her. I mean shit she was in “Dark Angel” for 2 seasons, “Sin City”, and in “Machete”. I know her ass did “Fantastic Four” and it was the worst shit ever, but I forgive her. I FORGIVE YOU JESSICA ALBA, I forgive you. People need to get off her nutz, she is ok god damn it. So if you don’t want your head to hurt then don’t watch this movie, or if you DO want to see Ben Affleck’s brother spank girls and have sex with them and see Jessica Abla’s face cave in, then watch this jam. The story is a mess but the acting is hot.

Trailer:

The Facts:
A. You do not see Casey Affleck, Jessica Alba, or Kate Hudson naked. Sorry everything is covered with blankets, hands, and fancy editing.

B. Kate Hudson pisses herself in this movie.

C. Jessica Alba looked hot before and after her face was punched in.

D. Jessica Alba is a good girl, leave her alone.

E. This movie should have been shot as a porno.

F. Casey Affleck likes to spank girls.

G. Figure out how to end your film, don’t just say fuck it.

H. I wish Goldie Hawn was in this movie instead.

I. If a guy is smacking you around on the first date, and beating your ass with a belt, I CAN PROMISE YOU THIS! He will eventually want to beat the shit out of you or push your face in. I am serious. You have been warned, don’t come crying to me 2 years from now, with a “he beats me story”. I will ask you this “Did he hit you on the first day?” you will say “YESSSSSS” then I will say “Hmmmmmm, if you knew there were bees in the beehive why did you stick your head in there?” you will then start crying again.

J. Save the bullshit for the birds.

K. Maybe the book was better, but I get headaches easy.

L. They should have played this song by the Smashing Pumpkins in the end credits.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QQtLoJlQD6E

M. I loved the TV show “Dark Angel”.

N. The poster is boring.

8 responses to ““The Killer Inside Me” or “Jessica Alba Gets Her Ass Whipped”- my fuckin review

  1. I did see this movie and I agree with you on all of what you said. But I think there should have been more killing. Any way it was a choice between this and human centipede and I was too chicken to watch that now I wish I had. :/

  2. I did love Lost and insisted on watching it to the end, but it did piss me off that a lot of shit was shit left to the viewers’ imaginations. There were a crap ton of important questions not answered, and I just felt like, “Hey, this is your fucking TV show, not mine, why the fuck do I have to come up with the answers? Aren’t you entertaining me here?” So I guess I’m saying that I agree with you, any show or movie should make sense and we as the viewers shouldn’t be left hanging and wondering. The shit that truly pissed me off that I’ll never get over is when they didn’t show what Rosemary’s baby looked like. God damn it.

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