“The Last Exorcism” or “You Need Yo Ass Whipped Demon Bitch”- my fuckin review

Got to see “The Last Exorcism” and in a nut shell a preacher goes to a house in the Bayou to perform an exorcism on a red-headed chick, but the preacher doesn’t believe people can be possessed. So he takes a documentary (Yes, think a nicer looking The Blair Witch Project) film crew to shoot him perform a fake exorcism to prove it is NOT real. Little does he know but that shit is real bitch….. Ok there are some twists and turns so I don’t want to give that shit away. Is it scary? Yes (haha for you normal folks).  Is it over acted? Yes sometimes (a little forced). Was the lady next to me watching it with her eyes closed? Yes (she was scared shitless). I did enjoy watching this film, and there were scary moments in it. The chick that played the possessed girl was a little forced sometimes, but whatever. If you can forgive the movie for coming across like the satanic version of “The Blair Witch Project” and “Paranormal Activity” plus “The Exorcism of Emily Rose” then you will enjoy it. Let me tell you something though, white people in horror movies really are nosey bitches and think they have an answer for everything. They are always wanting to hang around after shit goes nuts, because “Friends” isn’t on TV anymore, so they don’t have anything else to do I guess. This red-headed demon bitch is acting all crazy, running around with a knife, and drawing pictures of people heads cut off and they all want to hug her. This trick (I didn’t want to use the word “Bitch” again) needs her ass whipped, if I was her dad I would have thought she was just acting spoiled and gave her a spanky, but if she is getting all twisted up like a pretzel then SHE GOTSTA GO! It was produced by Eli Roth (Cabin Fever, Hostel, Hostel: Part II – I don’t own any of these films in case you are wondering), not directed, he just produced it. His ass filmed a message just for the early screener audiences, talking about go Tweet about this movie and shit. I was like “Shut the fuck up Eli, we will tweet that shit if that shit is good”, we don’t need to be told to tell people bitch. Anyway if demony shit and religion scares you this jam is for you. I didn’t love it, but I did like it. If you want to see a real demon possessed chick watch anything with Sandra Bullock.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Act like a demon around me, and see if I don’t put a cap in your face.

B. If you get possessed you need to call a Catholic Priest, not some polyester preacher. The Catholics have this shit on lock down.

C. They say red heads have no souls. Maybe that was the hidden joke in the film.

D. My grandmother said when she was little in Puerto Rico she witnessed an exorcism. I only heard her talk about briefly once, and her eyes got glazed over.

E. If my daughter is killing cows, and drawing fucked up shit. I would just have her ass arrested.

F. I wonder if you can fill a bathtub with holy water and drop that bitch in it, would that help her ass?

G. I wonder why dudes never get possessed in these films?

H. Look, I do like scary shit and I would hang around for a minute to get some possessed girl footage, but just minute, and my car would have the engine on.

I. If you watch the trailer again you will see that this ginger is bent over backwards with her back all fucked up and she is still alive. Listen, I got out of the car the other day and hurt my back just standing up, now you wanna tell me you can get bent up like a god damn pretzel, and still be alive come the morning. Shut the fuck up. Get yo ass to a chiropractor bitch. PS in the picture below, I have seen people do this dance at the goth clubs. Here is what Kevin V. looks like possessed.

J. If I was possessed I would use my tongue a lot more and probably be nude.

K. I asked my friend Kevin V. this last night “What if I was possessed Kevin, what would you do????????”.  He said this “Nothing, you would be cooler”.  I said “True”.

L. I keep saying this would be my first and my last exorcism.

M. She never does this in the movie.

N. Fuck! What if we are already possessed and do not know it. FUCK! Wait I have holy water in my car, I am having that for lunch today.