MERRY CHRISTMAS BITCH! from me and few friends of mine.

“Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol” or “You Got Disavowed Bitch”- my fucking review

I watched “Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol” with Max Fisher on the IMAX and here is my movie review bitch. Let me start off by saying I love spy movies even not so good ones. OK so the movie starts off with Tom Cruise being broken out of a Russian prison by other team members. He then gets a new mission to bust into the Kremlin to get something. I can’t remember what the fuck it was, but it was something important. So he and Simon Pegg, who is now a field agent and is constant comic relief (this is not a good thing), break into the Kremlin and get double crossed, then the Kremlin explodes. Tom runs away from it as it blows up behind him. When he awakens he finds out he is blamed for the big pop off, and is told the U.S and Russia hates him now. HE IS NOW DISAVOWED!  So he goes on his on Mission Impossible with his team and Jeremy Renner. So they go around the world and shit trying to stop the bad guy, who is the most boring villain ever, from starting a nuclear war between the U.S. and Russia. In case you didn’t know the Russians were Americans enemies back in the 1980’s, so I guess that was the point of the film. Think “Rocky IV“. I happen to love Russia. There are a lot of fight scenes, actions scenes and  Tom Cruise runs from a sand storm. Ok I did like this movie and I was entertained by it, seeing it in IMAX made it bigger and louder so that was cool. I didn’t love it though, and will not buy it on Blu Ray when it comes out. It really focuses on Tom Cruise’s character the most (he produced, you figure it out) and his team was kind of boring to me. Also Ving Rhames was only in it for a minute. They fucked up. I loved him in these movies, and he made shit more memorable and fun. Paula Patton was just OK and she has weird feet during a fight scene where she is barefooted. J.J. Abrams directed the last one, and it was a better film structurally and had a villain in it that was more memorable (I own that film). This films villain is lame as shit, and him fighting Tom Cruise is not believable because he is old and busted. So if you love spy movies, Tom Cruise, being disavowed, you don’t know what ghost protocol means, and are into Russia then this movie is for you. It was entertaining and fun for a one time watch, but you ain’t going to be living it.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Brad Bird directed this film. He also did The Iron Giant, The Incredibles, Ratatouille.

B. Tom Cruise thinks he is pretty and he needs to get passed it. Here he is running from a sandstorm. Run mother fucker! RUN!

C. I wish the team would have been cooler. It was too much comic relief, and not enough getting to know the team.

D. Mission: Impossible III was the best one out of the 4.

E. Once again the Eminem “8 Mile” look is big in 2011. Here is Tom going off to a rap battle.

F. Here is the new theme for Mission Impossible 4, the score was composed by

Michael Giacchino and was good, but not as good as his work on part 3.

Nothing beats the original jam by Lalo Schifrin. Listen to that shit here.

G. Josh Holloway from “Lost”  was in it for a minute, but he should have been in it longer.

H. In the film they drove a TRON car.

I. At one point Paula had to seduce some dude to get some codes, I thought it would have been funny if the guy she was seducing ended up being gay and Tom had to go in there to seduce him. I mean if you are a spy you may have to seduce men and women.

J. Paula keep those legs closed at the premiere, and for god sakes keep your shoes on.

K. The most boring and forgettable villain of the year is played by Michael Nyqvist. Yep, he was fist fighting Tom Cruise. Even I know Tom would have whipped this dudes ass, but somehow this bitch was doing Mortal Kombat moves on his ass. Give me a break!

L. The poster should have said “No plan. No backup. No Shoes. No service”.

“Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale” or “Santa Claus is Coming to Kill You Bitch”- my fuckin review

Just in time for Christmas bitch!!!!!! I just watched “Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale” and here is the movie review. Ok let me first start off by saying this is a Finnish film and it is subtitled, but don’t let that scare you. Learn to read bitch! The film starts off with this big company digging in the side of a mountain in the Korvatunturi mountains, somewhere in between Finland And Russia. In real life this is where they say “Father Christmas” comes from, in case you didn’t know Father Christmas later becomes Santa Claus in the United States. That’s right kiddies Jesus didn’t create Santa Claus. The fat red bastard you keep seeing on TV and Movies was re-designed by the Coca-Cola Company. Santa was created to scare the shit out of kids so that they would be good, like Satan (Santa/ Satan think about it, Be good or you he will kill you). Meanwhile back to the movie, now they are digging up the mean ass evil Santa Claus deep within this mountain. The local towns people are like what the fuck is going on, all this blasting is scaring all the reindeer away. Which they eat for dinner by the way. Now they have let loose some fucked up shit, elves and big ass evil Santa Claus. A little Finnish boy has to stop Santa Claus and literally a bunch of naked elves with little dicks hanging out for Christmas. This movie is a Christmas delight. It’s shot well and the snowy countryside of Korvatunturi mountains is a great setting for a pissed off Santa Claus to come back to kill. The movie sort of reminded me of a Christmas version of “The Thing“, ya know something trapped in the ice that is thawed out and comes back for the kill. I love that Finnish people eat reindeer, and that a little boy is the hero and carries a fuckin shot-gun. Now it’s not very fast paced, but it is interesting and entertaining. THIS IS NOT A HORROR movie, there really aren’t any scares, it’s fairy tale creepy. Just so you know. Don’t go in watching it and think you will be screaming, it ain’t going to happen. I did like this movie a lot and it was a fun watch a Christmas time. I’m interested in violent themed Christmas stories. Haha So if you love Santa Claus, old naked limp dicked elves, Finnish people, dead reindeer, and wanna learn how to be good on Christmas then this movie is for you. This should be on Netflix, On Demand and Blu Ray. Go Check it out. It’s worth it.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. I wish someone would have said “Fuck you Santa”.

B. Here are the old naked men elves. CREEPY AND GROSS. Cold little dicks everywhere.

C. This film was based on a short film the Director made in 2003 called “Rare Exports Inc.“. Here is the short film.

There was also a follow-up short made called “The Official Rare Exports Inc. Safety Instructions 2005“.

D. Here are the rules to survive Santa Claus.

E. I wonder if Santa wears red, because it’s the color of blood.

F. I wish they would have played Madonna’s version of “Santa Baby” during the chase scene.

G. The cast was all good.

H. Christmas is a Pagan holiday. Do some research bitch!

I. Here is an old ass pic of Father Christmas, people in the background are coming to kill him.

J. I just filmed this. I told you I was into violent themed Christmas stories.

K. I love this poster. I really would have called this movie “Santa Claus is Coming to Kill You Bitch”.

‎Satanic Panic: Band Out Of Hell has a special message for you for Christmas.

Satanic Panic filmed a special message for you for the holidays.

“Shame” or “Michael Fassbender’s Dick is Huge”- my fuckin review

I watched “Shame” with Max Fisher and Stephanie N. tonight and here is my movie review. Ok the story starts off with Michael Fassbender getting up from bed and he is hanging dong, swing log or dropping dick. He ain’t shy about it and nor should he be. He has nothing to be ashamed about, I am not sure why this movie is called “Shame”. I am also secure enough to talk about another mans dick, bitch. OK now Michael is fucking some girl, then jerking off, then fucking another girl, then jerking off, then fucking another girl, then some dialogue with some coworkers, then jerking off to porn on his computer, then fucking another girl. Then one night he gets so horny he goes to a gay bar and gets head from a gay guy. I thought he was going to fuck a car at one point. Then his sister (Carey Mulligan) comes to stay with him, and I thought he was going to fuck her (I am not kidding). He was so horny. It is at this point I leaned over and Max let me know that Michael is a “Sex Addict” and this is a problem. I was like oh…… Michael then tries to go out on dates but can’t because he wants to fuck all day and night. I was like shit the real tragedy would be if Michael was ugly and had a little dick and couldn’t get laid. Fuck there is the real story. I mean shit I was like OK he is getting laid a lot with a big a dick. How does this suck for him? I am lost, but I am not a sex addict so I can’t relate. At one point he fingers some girl in a bar and makes her boyfriend smells his fingers. Haha I was like wow. I guess he was lonely, but shit bitch who ain’t at least you get laid everyday  you fuckin cry baby. Ok so I liked this movie even though it was long (get it long haha) and slow, but there was so much sex, boobs, bush, and dick in it how could you be bored. I think Michael Fassbender really is a great actor and interesting to watch act, and everything I have seen him I have liked him in. So if you want to see Michael’s big dick a lot, non stop sex, boob, bush, ass, some dialogue, people crying, more sex, more dick, and learn about what a sex addict goes through then this movie is for you. There was an old married couple behind us and the women kept saying “Honey, he is having sex because he is sad”. Hahaha

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Michael Fassbender should be very proud of his penis and acting in this film. It takes a lot of guts to get up there and bare all, and he did it and should be commended. In this picture he is looking at a girl who wants to fuck on a train.

HERE is a gif of his dick from the movie. Click the picture to see it jiggle. NSFW

B. He liked to bone girls against glass windows of hotels, I kept thinking he was going to bang her right through  the glass and they would fall to their deaths.

C. Steve McQueen Directed this movie.

D. They played a lot of disco in this movie for some reason.

E. Holy shit this film was made in 25 days. WHAT THE FUCK.

F. I know his dick had to be half erect before they did those takes. Jerking off on set before takes. Weird.

G. Carey Mulligan did a good job in this except for her singing. She was also in “Drive“.

H. Isn’t David Duchovny a sex addict? “Davids Duchovny why dont you love me” music video

I. In the same year Michael played Magneto and you saw his dick. I am proud of him.

J. I am glad there was so much sex and nudity in this movie. Not for perverted reasons, but because the film is about a sex addict. I am glad they didn’t wimp out and not show the truth.

K. Blondie’s “Rapture” is played in the movie. I love this jam.

L. I tried to find a picture of Michael’s dick online, but you will have to go watch the movie or wait for the Blu Ray. Sorry straight girls, gay boys, bisexuals, or in the closet straight homophobes who secretly want to blow someone.

M. I bet sex addicts go see this movie and half way during the movie they get horny and go jerk off in the theatre bathroom.

N. Here is the Italian poster for the film. Which makes sense.

O. Here is the Banned poster. Amazing.

P. Here is the American poster. Haha Americans are so fucking lame and sexually repressed sometimes. It’s like for fucks sake America grow up. Dongs slap boobs sometimes. This poster is fucking boring.